Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder on the website has helped me heal, stay NC and accept BPD more than any other thing that I read (trust me, there has been a lot).  

Seeking balance started this workshop on article 9 (10 myths that keep us stuck) - truly analyzing and understanding our role in these - can help the healing process.

This workshop is myth 6 - please share your experiences as it relates.  It will help you and it will help others.


6) Clinging to the words that were said   [Read original text here]

'“But she said she would love me forever”

Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications.

You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth."

What my exdBPDgf said to me...
OTH, It makes me sad to think that anyone who knows me knows that I love you completely and want to spend the rest of my life with you, but sometimes you don't.  I know things have been rough, much more so than I would have thought.  That doesn't change the way that I feel about you, love you, and want to be together.  Please don't lose sight of that . . . EVER

Did she mean it when she said it? Did she forget the things she said? Was it all just words trying to keep me in the relationship to get her needs met? Do the words matter?

All tough questions. The words must matter or I wouldn't remember them.

My ex to a friend of hers...
OTH is really laid back.  Very outdoorsy.  Intelligent, active, motivated, patient, affectionate, thoughtful, considerate, trustworthy, strong, ridiculously talented (cars, home repairs, etc.), and gentle and understanding with me.  The love of my life.  That's who he is.

They made me feel special. They definetly created a strong attachment in me towards her. I fell hard. I loved her. She loved me and believed her words until the euphoria of finding new love ended and the difficulty of forging a life together took its place. The fun ended and the disappointment began.

As the article states, she was a dreamer. You can't just remember the times they made you feel special. You have to remember the times they made you feel low. This is the reality. This is the complete picture.

My ex discussing our troubles...
There is still that same condescending "I know everything and you should do what I tell you" tone that has always been offensive.  Seriously, listen to what you are saying.  I have always admitted that I have problems.  I have always searched for answers.  You just started doing so at age 40, yet call yourself an expert on these things and want to tell everyone their business, including me.  Who do you think you are?  Get over yourself.  Please.

What do we do with the two realities? The first reality makes us feel good about ourselves. The second makes us feel bad about ourselves. What are we most likely to want to remember? What do we do to keep the facts straight in our memory?

I was told how much she loved me and wanted to be with me. As the relationship continued I only felt it as I pulled away. She would pull me back with the same nice words. They had the same effect on me. They drew me to her. It made it easy to forgive the times she devalued me. I even forgave her for doing it in public. I learned to just shut her out when she got in her moods. I didn't listen. Saving the relationship required me to block out part of the experience and deny what it meant about her true feelings for me. She didn't feel the same but wasn't ready to let go.  It wasn't what she expected. I wasn't her dream anymore. She was having new dreams. I wanted the old dream so I ignored her behavior and told myself she would come back around. She didn't. We didn't. Our dream became a nightmare and now it's over. Sweeping it under the rug kept me stuck. It kept things looking nice until the pile under the rug got to big. I will keep a cleaner house now.    

How does this myth relate to your BPD relationship?

---

More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

I suffered the most due to myths 4, 9, and 10.

But when I was weakest most vulnerable to STBXH's damage was when I was remembering the sweet words that he spoke and believing them to be the truth of how he felt.  These were fewer and farther between as the years went by.  But my heart was squishy and I wanted to believe that he would start treating me like a princess and that I was the only woman that he wanted and that I was the person most like Jesus that he had ever known.

Later on, the nasty, foul, from-the-pit-of-hell things he said played over and over in my head.  I started to believe that I was a fat, lazy b****.  Maybe no one else would ever want me or love me.  Maybe I did need to drop my principles and sink to the level of doing the sick sexual things H said would make him happy.  Even though everybody else I know, family, friends, co-workers, etc. loved me and gave me validating compliments and encouragement- I was believing the lies and labels that a very sick man placed on me.

As I have grown stronger, 6.5 months out of the house/mid-divorce, I have thought less and less about those words, both good and vile.  They came from a man who never knew or loved himself and had no way of knowing or really loving me.  A man who scrambled to make empty promises, never intending or able to keep them, any time he felt me detaching.  As my dear friend says, "He wanted his binky."  I was an object of comfort to him, although he treated me so often like a piece of annoying trash.  And I would have stayed with him forever if, after the first time he admitted to having a problem and promised to get help, he had done it.

Good thread, even though I'm not really supposed to be here (discovery possibility, though low).

Hugs to all,
JDoe

Ok, let's see...this is what I was to her at the beginning:

1. I am her "soul mate"
2. I am the "one"
3. "We are forever"
4. "I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you"
5. "I can't picture my life without you"
6. "We are meant to be"

Wow, it's amazing all of the things that she supposedly loved about me at first, she complained about to her best friend and used against me to cut me down at the end. All this in order to make me feel worthless and unlovable. I still struggle with the words that were said at the beginning. I am a very practical person, I usually don't buy into the "soulmate", "destined to be together" crap. However, she had me convinced that it was all true. Talk about having the wool pulled over your eyes. God, what an idiot I am. Never again.

Act 1:
"you are the only one who ever loved me"
"I can't live without you"
"You are the one"
"We are a team"
"we are unstoppable"
"you make me feel so good"
"I am so lucky to have you in my life"
"you are so selfless"
"you are my best friend"
"you show me everyday how much you love me"
"meant for each other"
"you get me and my issues"
"I'm all in"
"I'm not going to let our conflict break us up"

Timebomb im with ya bro... i wanted to believe and did all those sweet wonderful words... your my soul mate, your my everything, blah blah... actions were totally different. words mean little without any actions

It has been awhile since my break up with the npdbf and thank the heavens, I am over him. The hardest part of the journey toward acceptance and healing was indeed letting go of the words that were said, for those very words and actions in the relationship were what kept me stuck and enmeshed for a long while.
In the very beginning, when I was cautious and reserved, he came to my home and said "I know exactly what I want, I know exactly who I am, I know you are hesitant but please hear me, I love you, I want you, and I will do whatever it takes to win your trust. Doubt my words, but watch my behavior, I will show you, every day, how very much I want you, us and this relationship. I know what I want and what I want is you.
And for many months his behavior matched his words, he was-without a doubt- thoughtful, considerate and present in my life. A rock. And then, within a few short weeks he changed. We were together for almost three years, they were (at that time) the happiest years of my life, with the exception of the times when I gave birth to my children. I was extremely happy and felt loved and safe. The absolute confusion I felt when this man looked at me and said " I will give you no second thought, I have always felt I could give or take this relationship". Dumbfounded, shocked, and without an anchor and adrift at sea was my response. It was one of the worst conversations of my life.
You cannot cling to the words or even the actions of a pwBPD-or npd. You must accept the mask when it slips and reveals what lies beneath-then, and only then, can a person move on. I have. But I paid a price.
C

Yup, the same words to different people.

Act 1
"You make me whole"
"I have never loved someone so much in all my life"
"I want to die in your arms"
"When I see two old people walking down the road  holding hands, I know that will be us"
I want to make old bones with you.
"You are the love of my life"
"I cant picture my life without you, you  mean everything to me"
He Painted "I love you Shannon" on every piece of timber he could find.

Act 1 (mistress)

"You make me whole"
"I have never loved someone so much in all my life"
"I want to die in your arms"
"When I see two old people walking down the road  holding hands, I know that will be us"
I want to make old bones with you.
"You are the love of my life"
"I cant picture my life without you, you  mean everything to me"
He Painted "I love you Co**********" on every piece of timber he could find.

The worst one by far was, "I would have ended up cheating on you because I have nothing left for you but resentment and disinterest."

Mine used to send me the most beutiful letters and cards and love trinkets..i thought i had finally found the one..we had some really great times together and then one day it was like a light switch going off..she was done with me! she went back home..and i didn't hear from her for three months. I e-mailed her asking what happened..why did she 'abandon" me. i got a simple goodbye and no closure. It's the hardest thing to wrap your mind around..how could someone do this ? how could they just get so ice cold all of a sudden? I still have not recovered.

I had all this but it was not immediately. . .at first he was charming, attentive, flirtatious, complimentary

After about a year or so came romantic meals, poetry, paintings, music. . .plus all the above

After a few years it got more intensive. . .plus all the above and his actions matched his words
I love you
I adore you
I've never loved a woman like i love you
I was born to love you
My life would be a very dark place without you

Then. . .bam and just before we broke up he read a card he sent me i had on the shelf of my bedroom. . .full of the above mentioned poetry/romantic words. . .he looked at me and said (surprised/quizzical) "did i write that" - it was  horrible, as if he couldn't imagine feeling that way about me.