SO confused and conflicted - should I stay or should I go?

[Think About It...]

Greetings,  ?

I am a recent member to this awesome site. It's taken nearly 20 months of being in my current "relationship" to finally begin to understand what I had thought to be "un-understandable." I wish that I knew my SO suffered from BPD at the start of the relationship so that I at least knew or could have researched what I would be in for. I also wish that someone who knew my situation at the onset would have given me one of the two following words of wisdom: a) Run the Three “F's” - Fast, Far, and Furiously, or b) Strap on a helmet and fasten securely your safety belt very tightly because it's going to be a hellish ride! Well, that was not the case. Now that I have been “enlightened” somewhat, I desperately ponder what it is that I must do, both in best interest of my personal well-being and that of my BPD girlfriend for which I love and care a lot about. Instead of retelling my dilemma from the beginning once again, I am simply going to copy/paste previous comments that I have made in this and other sites to tell my story. Thank you in advance to any and all responses. They truly are deeply and sincerely appreciated. Here we go:

I.Needing help as a non-BP w/ a BPD girlfriend. We've been dating nearly 2 years, the only "real" and longest relationship she's ever been in. It's to the point that after living together for some time, I've helped set up in her own apartment. I sincerely love and care for her, but I keep getting placed in no-win situations. I've tolerated physical and verbal abuse. I've read books on the subject, the best thus far being Stop Walking on Eggshells. I don't want to lose the relationship, but I also cannot continue much longer the way that it is. I have stood by and continue support her through tough times, including betrayals of infidelity. I just don't know how much more I can endure. If I leave, there is a high probability that she'll return to a drug addiction past, end up homeless once again, and even attempt another suicide and/or to harm me. I'm desperate. Any advice and encouragement, suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Anything! I am thankful for sites like this and people who share for the education and insight given. Thank you!

II.She is on a series of medication, but they seem to be constantly adjusted/changed. She occasionally does not take them as prescribed. She has also seen therapists. She was even in a month-long in-patient program. Even tried DBT but with mixed results. Both I and her docs have seen vast improvements when she lived with me in a highly stable environment. However, when things were smooth, she would seek out causes to create havock, ie. threatening vandalism, spreading lies to my friends, self-injury, etc. I have also played the role of the caretaker, which she many times appeared to be grateful for. But her perception could quickly turn into a perception that I was controlling. One of the biggest problems appears to be that she portrays me as a demon to friends and families, and of course they give her advice that only continues behaviour that self-sabotages our relationship. I just can't seem to win. She has recently apologized for some of her behavior towards me, which is something new, and for the first time actually admitted that she used me yesterday to accomplish her errands and goals. Yesterday morning I was the best thing since sliced bread. By evening I was a demon responsible for all her woes. It's just a continuous spin of the wheel of how she feels and acts towards me. It's not in my nature to give up, but I've been sacrificing my personal well-being over her own. Thank you again.

III.My situation is a little different since we're not married, but my pain is nevertheless intense. I am new to this site and have found so much help in understanding what I've been going through in the brief amount of time. Please also know that sharing your story helps people like me realize that we're not alone in what we're going through. I am/was in a serious relationship, or so I thought/think, with a girl with BPD. It started as a semi-long-distance relationship, a four hour drive between us. We would alternate staying 2-3 weeks in each of our homes. Last summer, while up at her place, my dad suffered a heart attack. I had to leave immediately to come back home to be with him during surgery and recovery. During the three weeks that I was with Dad, her and I talked/texted daily. All seemed well. There were periods of time where her phone was "unavailable" with excuses such as dead battery, phone malfunctions, etc. Finally I was able to return back up to her. As I was driving telling her I was on my way, she texted me how excited she was I was returning. When finally I got into town she was not home and would not answer my calls. I was able to stay with another friend for a few days while I attempted to find out where she was. Needless to say, I was very concerned at the time for her well-being. She finally called me and told me she was in a "safe place" and was ok, but would not be able to see me for a couple of days. She would not elaborate any further. I found this to be very bizzare. On about the third day I found out that not only had she been cheating on me, but had actually moved in and been living with another guy that she had met during a prior hospitalization. During all this time the texts and conversations were about how much she loves me, misses me, and how we were meant to be together. Needless to say, I was devastated. Their relationship only lasted a couple of weeks, and then she called me and asked me to take her back. I foolishly did, but was never able to really come close to forgiving her. Things just were never the same after that incident. Although some of her actions could be attributed to her illness, the person must still be held responsible for their actions. We were living together, but I just couldn't take the roller coaster anymore. I've recently set her up in an apartment about 20 minutes away, but this has added the element of potential for another betrayal if the opportunity presents itself. It's tough to think about it, but I'm nearly certain that if I leave her alone for more than just a day or two, she will do it again. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to continue a relationship like this much longer. I guess I'm between undecided and leaving at the moment. If you are strong enough to forgive, then do so for your own sake. I guess I'm not a strong person.

IV.Q: The main question I have in order to try to help is, does she know or even have an inkling of an idea of the hurt she cause to her loved ones?
A:  I guess the answer would be an ambiguous yes and no. As far as the infidelity goes, she has had moments where she says she has experienced some guilt and regret only after witnessing how much pain it has and continues to cause me. However, having said that, she has also stated that she didn't think “it was such a big deal.” As far as the physical/verbal abuse, it does not appear that is the case. She seems to back-in into the equation by re-writing history and placing herself in the victim role. Basically I have been responsible for 100% of the perceived verbal abuse and there has been 0% acknowledgment of the several episodes of physical abuse. Needless to say I am/have been very confused. Only until recently have I actually began to realize what the situation that I am in really is by educating myself through forums like this one and other BPD educational sites.

Thank you again for your time, patience, and interest. I am just so confused. I don't like to admit it, but it's scary. I've never been anywhere near a situation(s) such as this/these before.   ?

[PeaveyT40]

Greetings,  ?

I am a recent member to this awesome site. It's taken nearly 20 months of being in my current "relationship" to finally begin to understand what I had thought to be "un-understandable." I wish that I knew my SO suffered from BPD at the start of the relationship so that I at least knew or could have researched what I would be in for. I also wish that someone who knew my situation at the onset would have given me one of the two following words of wisdom: a) Run the Three “F's” - Fast, Far, and Furiously, or b) Strap on a helmet and fasten securely your safety belt very tightly because it's going to be a hellish ride! Well, that was not the case. Now that I have been “enlightened” somewhat, I desperately ponder what it is that I must do, both in best interest of my personal well-being and that of my BPD girlfriend for which I love and care a lot about. Instead of retelling my dilemma from the beginning once again, I am simply going to copy/paste previous comments that I have made in this and other sites to tell my story. Thank you in advance to any and all responses. They truly are deeply and sincerely appreciated. Here we go:

I.Needing help as a non-BP w/ a BPD girlfriend. We've been dating nearly 2 years, the only "real" and longest relationship she's ever been in. It's to the point that after living together for some time, I've helped set up in her own apartment. I sincerely love and care for her, but I keep getting placed in no-win situations. I've tolerated physical and verbal abuse. I've read books on the subject, the best thus far being Stop Walking on Eggshells. I don't want to lose the relationship, but I also cannot continue much longer the way that it is. I have stood by and continue support her through tough times, including betrayals of infidelity. I just don't know how much more I can endure. If I leave, there is a high probability that she'll return to a drug addiction past, end up homeless once again, and even attempt another suicide and/or to harm me. I'm desperate. Any advice and encouragement, suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Anything! I am thankful for sites like this and people who share for the education and insight given. Thank you!

II.She is on a series of medication, but they seem to be constantly adjusted/changed. She occasionally does not take them as prescribed. She has also seen therapists. She was even in a month-long in-patient program. Even tried DBT but with mixed results. Both I and her docs have seen vast improvements when she lived with me in a highly stable environment. However, when things were smooth, she would seek out causes to create havock, ie. threatening vandalism, spreading lies to my friends, self-injury, etc. I have also played the role of the caretaker, which she many times appeared to be grateful for. But her perception could quickly turn into a perception that I was controlling. One of the biggest problems appears to be that she portrays me as a demon to friends and families, and of course they give her advice that only continues behaviour that self-sabotages our relationship. I just can't seem to win. She has recently apologized for some of her behavior towards me, which is something new, and for the first time actually admitted that she used me yesterday to accomplish her errands and goals. Yesterday morning I was the best thing since sliced bread. By evening I was a demon responsible for all her woes. It's just a continuous spin of the wheel of how she feels and acts towards me. It's not in my nature to give up, but I've been sacrificing my personal well-being over her own. Thank you again.

III.My situation is a little different since we're not married, but my pain is nevertheless intense. I am new to this site and have found so much help in understanding what I've been going through in the brief amount of time. Please also know that sharing your story helps people like me realize that we're not alone in what we're going through. I am/was in a serious relationship, or so I thought/think, with a girl with BPD. It started as a semi-long-distance relationship, a four hour drive between us. We would alternate staying 2-3 weeks in each of our homes. Last summer, while up at her place, my dad suffered a heart attack. I had to leave immediately to come back home to be with him during surgery and recovery. During the three weeks that I was with Dad, her and I talked/texted daily. All seemed well. There were periods of time where her phone was "unavailable" with excuses such as dead battery, phone malfunctions, etc. Finally I was able to return back up to her. As I was driving telling her I was on my way, she texted me how excited she was I was returning. When finally I got into town she was not home and would not answer my calls. I was able to stay with another friend for a few days while I attempted to find out where she was. Needless to say, I was very concerned at the time for her well-being. She finally called me and told me she was in a "safe place" and was ok, but would not be able to see me for a couple of days. She would not elaborate any further. I found this to be very bizzare. On about the third day I found out that not only had she been cheating on me, but had actually moved in and been living with another guy that she had met during a prior hospitalization. During all this time the texts and conversations were about how much she loves me, misses me, and how we were meant to be together. Needless to say, I was devastated. Their relationship only lasted a couple of weeks, and then she called me and asked me to take her back. I foolishly did, but was never able to really come close to forgiving her. Things just were never the same after that incident. Although some of her actions could be attributed to her illness, the person must still be held responsible for their actions. We were living together, but I just couldn't take the roller coaster anymore. I've recently set her up in an apartment about 20 minutes away, but this has added the element of potential for another betrayal if the opportunity presents itself. It's tough to think about it, but I'm nearly certain that if I leave her alone for more than just a day or two, she will do it again. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to continue a relationship like this much longer. I guess I'm between undecided and leaving at the moment. If you are strong enough to forgive, then do so for your own sake. I guess I'm not a strong person.

IV.Q: The main question I have in order to try to help is, does she know or even have an inkling of an idea of the hurt she cause to her loved ones?
A:  I guess the answer would be an ambiguous yes and no. As far as the infidelity goes, she has had moments where she says she has experienced some guilt and regret only after witnessing how much pain it has and continues to cause me. However, having said that, she has also stated that she didn't think “it was such a big deal.” As far as the physical/verbal abuse, it does not appear that is the case. She seems to back-in into the equation by re-writing history and placing herself in the victim role. Basically I have been responsible for 100% of the perceived verbal abuse and there has been 0% acknowledgment of the several episodes of physical abuse. Needless to say I am/have been very confused. Only until recently have I actually began to realize what the situation that I am in really is by educating myself through forums like this one and other BPD educational sites.

Thank you again for your time, patience, and interest. I am just so confused. I don't like to admit it, but it's scary. I've never been anywhere near a situation(s) such as this/these before.   ?

[PeaveyT40]

Hi again,

My apologies for my prior ramblings. I'm just so tired of deciding what the best course of action to take is. I have felt as though I've been in an endless loop of some bizarre “Twilight Zone” episode.

Bottom Line:  As I mentioned, we started living separately, I got betrayed big-time. Then we were living together, but I just couldn't take the roller coaster and physical/verbal abuse anymore and recently helped her get set her up in an apartment about 20 minutes away.

But this has added the element of high potential for another betrayal if the opportunity were to present itself. And it's not that I'm feeling paranoid for no due cause due to the events that occurred when last we lived separately. Out of site, out of mind. It's tough to think about it, but I'm nearly certain that if I were to leave her alone for more than just a day or two, maybe less, she would betray me once more. That means that I can't leave town for conferences, family, travel, etc. or even stay home with the flu in bed for a few days. There is no trust factor. Basically a new hybrid of imprisonment for me and I just don't know if I'm strong enough to continue a relationship with these attributes much longer. It just doesn't feel healthy.  ?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Annaleigh]

If she is going to search out other romantic partners, that is kind of tough to bare.  I don't think I could do it. 

I know we can get really hooked into these relationships.  The first step for a lot of us to start to detach.  Learning about the illness helps us to understand their behavior and learning about ourselves, why we would even consider being part of an abusive situation is part of the journey.

[heavenward]

I feel for you,  as it is a tough decision.   one that I am agonising through at the moment myself.      I am about to post another thread  as  I have yet more questions    and I have my 12yr old son to consider in all this.   Im married 6 months and all this behaviour started to manifest after our marriage.   

I am discovering that the more I read and learn about this the more I question what is happening and unfolding before my eyes... is the BPD?     Am I  making these behaviours fit the profile of BPD?    the truth is I don't want it to be BPD,  I don't want it to be depression, I just want the guy I fell in love with and married back.         

The absolute truth though...no matter what the label...its not healthy or wholesome.   

I hope you get enough peace to make your decision.

[PeaveyT40]

Thank you both for your comments. They REALLY help 

I am finding that now that we're living apart, her fear of abandonment has appeared to augment even with my continued assurances that I will stand by her. Also, since I am no longer assisting her with issues such as finances and budgeting, she is and has set herself up for some failures. It's going to be difficult for me to walk the tightrope between allowing her to experience responsibilities for her decision making (spending her very limited income on "stuff" she can't afford) and enabling her (sharing some of my income with her). My financial situation is solid and stable, but only for one person. The little income she makes is from disability. In less than 2 weeks of living "on her own," she's already beginning to find herself in "crisis" mode, ie., out of funds until the beginning of next month. She just doesn't seem to learn from prior experiences. Maybe it's really that she doesn't learn, but maybe more of the impulsive, instant-gratification urges so common to pwBPD. For example, instead of budgeting for essential necessities such as food for the next three weeks, she's trying to decide what colour computer to buy. The thing is, she doesn't have funds for either.

She has "hinted" that perhaps I can buy the computer for her, and even a new couch and love seat, for her. Heck, while we're at it, she wants a new refrigerator and bed. But again, I can't afford nor am willing to enable her irresponsible spending habits. I can already even see the beginning of being perceived as unwilling to "help" her achieve all her needs, wants, and desires. She is definitely increasing her role as a "user" in the relationship.

On a brighter note, I am realizing how unhealthy this relationship is/has been and appears that there will be no happy ending regardless of what action(s) I take. Put simply, nothing I do will ever be enough. I sit here now contemplating moving onto the "Leaving" board. I have given all I can sacrificed a lot of my personal well-being. Although the relationship can be intoxicating when good, the price to pay when it's bad appears to be getting steeper.

Thank you all again.

[Annaleigh]

Wanted to mention...your assurances aren't true, you are considering ending the r/s.  She might be picking up on that.

When people don't have budgeting skills, they can fall into a kind of hopelessness and create some big messes.  It helps to encourage any sort of good moves.  I would validate the 'yeah, budgeting is tough stuff' but make it clear you can't make her choices for her.  Maybe get her a basic book on how to budget?

It's tough to watch someone you care about make poor choices.   ;p

[catnap]

On a brighter note, I am realizing how unhealthy this relationship is/has been and appears that there will be no happy ending regardless of what action(s) I take. Put simply, nothing I do will ever be enough. I sit here now contemplating moving onto the "Leaving" board. I have given all I can sacrificed a lot of my personal well-being. Although the relationship can be intoxicating when good, the price to pay when it's bad appears to be getting steeper.

Such a difficult position to be in especially if you have not begun to detach, but it sounds as though you are beginning to.  Realizing that she could be a never ending black hole of want and infidelities, etc.

She was sick when you met her and she unfortunately will be sick still if you end the relationship.   

[bewildered2]

i was once where you are now.

try and see the big picture.

your gf has a mental illness. it explains all of her bizarre behaviour. will it change without 3-5 years of intense therapy? no.

question to you: do you want to live like this?

borderlines hurt the people around them. fact. the longer you stay the deeper the hurt will be.

if your best friend was in the spot you are in now, what would your advice be?

i got out after about 2 1/2 years. it was the best thing i ever did. i hate to think where i would be if i had stayed.

it's up to you.

b2   

[PeaveyT40]

Thank you... Just posted in the "Leaving" forum!