Sexual orientation and acting out

[Think About It...]

You're right, westgate, I don't think the correlation works backwards but statistics seem to show that a lot of BPDs have had homosexual experiences.

[redberry]

You're right, westgate, I don't think the correlation works backwards but statistics seem to show that a lot of BPDs have had homosexual experiences.

[RCA212]

I think their need for affection is SO strong and their lack of identity runs SO deep that even their sexuality can be in flux.  At least, this is true for my ex.

Ummm...YES!  How about a guy who's had sex with a gf's mother, with a porn star, a transsexual...is this every man's dream, or  ?  How about that same guy constantly telling you how much of a worthless whore you are, how you can't keep your legs closed...you MUST have slept with every guy who you've ever come into contact with...it's tiring!  You're absolutly going to cheat on him because "that's how you are"...

FYI - No, that's not how I am...I'm no angel, I've made my mistakes...I'll be the first to admit...but WHOA!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[westgate]

Ummm...YES!  How about a guy who's had sex with a gf's mother, with a porn star, a transsexual...is this every man's dream, or  ?  How about that same guy constantly telling you how much of a worthless whore you are, how you can't keep your legs closed...you MUST have slept with every guy who you've ever come into contact with...it's tiring!  You're absolutly going to cheat on him because "that's how you are"...

FYI - No, that's not how I am...I'm no angel, I've made my mistakes...I'll be the first to admit...but WHOA!

no, they are   in a big way!
i must have dated the girl version of your ex.. her accusations would actually make me laugh they were that far off. Of course, laughing is a response i dont recommend while still in a relationship with a BP!

[rollercoasterrider]

Sexual orientation and confusion is a stated characteristic of a person with BPD.  However, it is also prevalent amoung many others as well.  I for example am being treated for my Childhood Sexual Abuse.  I am heterosexual.  However, I have fantasized about, and was willing at one time to try  having sex with another man (Bi Curious).  For me it was repeating the sexual abussive behaviour of my childhood.  The fantasies were all about validating the wounded child within me.  I  have started recovery for my childhood events and realize what I was about to do.  I have nothing against LGBT lifestyle.  Its a choice that should be made freely by everyone.  With my issues, it really wasn't a free choice for me.  With my treatment and recognition of my past, now I can make the decision for me and in my best interest.  Not as a way to feed the wounded child within.

I suspect pwBPD have the same internal issues as I face, at least those that also have the childhood sexual abuse trauma as part of their past too. 

[RCA212]

rollercoasterrider,

I 100% agree that the things I mentioned earlier have to do with childhood sexual abuse - abuse in general - I will say that never once have I judged him for any of his behaviors, nor do I hold any of them against him...in ANY way...I just can't get over the fact that he makes me out to be such a horrible person and won't let it go - I seem to become worse and worse each time, while I so easily let everything of his go...I truly feel for him and what he's gone through...I would never throw anything in his face the way he does me...I've been tempted once or twice...but I have not, and will not.

[rollercoasterrider]

RCA,

I know exactly what you are talking about.  I too get the rages when I work late, miss a TM or Call opertunity, don't say "I Love You" at the right time, or the right way, get questioned to death when she fears something is wrong (her favorite question:  What's Wrong?).  I am sure her paranoid radar is a full screen all the time.  I get the accusations etc. 

I have found that those accusations usually come at me at the time she is guilty of doing the same thing.   For example, she questions or accuses me about chatting with someone for purposes of "getting together".  That is my clue that she is probably cheating.

Anyhow, I also do not throw the same things back at her that she would throw at me.  For me it is part of trust and respect.  However I am finding trusting and respecting her with her uBPD, really means its her opportunity to take care of her needs that I wouldn't approve of.

I am working on fixing me.  She is resisting it, complaining about, etc.  She would love to control it, but I won't let her.  She is truely afraid that I will come out not wanting her or her not wanting me.  She doesn't get it.  She could get her own treatment, but chose to cancel that.  So she will be getting the results of her actions, just like she predicted.  I am not holding it against her as she will beleive as much as I am learning to stand up for me.

[Jen48]

My boundary is that
- I will not be in a r/s where there is cheating. 
- I insist on safe sex

Am I being naive?

My boundary, too. I am a sexual abuse survivor, so my BPD/Bp's hypersexuality was one of the most disturbing parts of our relationship. He made me feel abnormal for not having the sexual appetite he had. For 18 years, I put up with him crossing boundaries...having sex when I did want to, and feeling that I was just a sexual object, even though he reassured me all the time that wasn't the case. Now that we are separated, I have taken a vow of celibacy while I work on issues I was working on at the time I met him, but stopped because when I was working on them, I did not have any desire for sex, and I thought it would "ruin" our relationship. Again, thinking of him not me. If he had been "normal," he would have respected my need to work on these issues and been a compassionate partner in my healing. I want a normal sexual relationship, but it will take some time to work through the past issues from childhood as well as the years spent in a sometimes warped sexual relationship with him. I do not think he ever cheated on me, but he wanted sex constantly -- I suppose for validation.

[Jen48]

RCA,

I know exactly what you are talking about.  I too get the rages when I work late, miss a TM or Call opertunity, don't say "I Love You" at the right time, or the right way, get questioned to death when she fears something is wrong (her favorite question:  What's Wrong?).  I am sure her paranoid radar is a full screen all the time.  I get the accusations etc. 

"What's wrong?" was also my spouse's favorite question. I swear he asked it at least a dozen times a day even when I told him it drove me crazy. I found it smothering.

[rollercoasterrider]

Jen,
I totally agree.  It is smothering and very pessimistic/negative.  I don't like everything viewed with only the negative consequences in mind.  I like optimism.  Unfortunately the constant embattlement of "What's Wrong?" also allows them to constantly be right, at least when something is wrong.  Her follow-up when something is wrong is "I knew it, and you wouldn't tell me", as if everything that was wrong has been brewing since the last issue.  And of course it’s my fault that I wasn’t willing to discuss it or fix it before it became a problem. 
So in the end, I don’t have any problems because she won’t let me have problems without belittling me for them.  In the end, when I break it off with her (working on finding the strength to do what is right for me, without worry about her….yes, very codependent I know), she will blame me for not discussing it with her when the problem came up.  Like last night’s discussion when she asked me what it is about her I don’t like?.  How does one answer that question?  I know it will be her chance to gaslight, minimize issues, and change enough to cover her for a while? In the end, if she wants to change, she needs to do it for her, not to protect the r/s.  (Of course, shame on me for not considering the r/s important enough to work on…LOL).