Sexual orientation and acting out

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi,

I am curious to hear from other people about their experiences with their BPD partners sexual acting out. 

I understand that impulsive behaviours, including sexually impulsive behaviours are common amongst people with BPD.

My uBPDxbf sexually acted out every time we broke up.  This included:

Going to a gay sauna and having oral sx performed on him by a man.
Going to a brothel.
Trying to have a sexual encounter with a friend's sister.
Online sx
Compulsive masturbation

He told me about each of these 'encounters' which hurt a great deal and led to quite a bit of confusion re sexual orientation, risk of disease and so on.  We received counselling about this and he disclosed that he had been using impulsive sx as a self-soothing technique since teenage years.  He said that he had no doubt about his sxual orientation and would have no hesitation in admitting it if he were gay.  He said that when he became so emotionally distressed he would turn to the nearest outlet, whatever that was...

Any thoughts?

Or similar experiences?

[Easydoesitnow]

Hi,

I am curious to hear from other people about their experiences with their BPD partners sexual acting out. 

I understand that impulsive behaviours, including sexually impulsive behaviours are common amongst people with BPD.

My uBPDxbf sexually acted out every time we broke up.  This included:

Going to a gay sauna and having oral sx performed on him by a man.
Going to a brothel.
Trying to have a sexual encounter with a friend's sister.
Online sx
Compulsive masturbation

He told me about each of these 'encounters' which hurt a great deal and led to quite a bit of confusion re sexual orientation, risk of disease and so on.  We received counselling about this and he disclosed that he had been using impulsive sx as a self-soothing technique since teenage years.  He said that he had no doubt about his sxual orientation and would have no hesitation in admitting it if he were gay.  He said that when he became so emotionally distressed he would turn to the nearest outlet, whatever that was...

Any thoughts?

Or similar experiences?

[Willy]

To tell the whole story is too much and to be honest I am shamefull about it that I put up with it. So, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
I love sex and I donot shy away from trying new things, but this was way too much.

-She had sex with many women. When going out she would often commend how good another woman was. In the beginning I thought this was cool. Later she even confessed she once went to a prostitute.
-She could masturbate a whole day in bed. She would call it 'sports'.
-Sometimes she called me that she was masturbating in the car.
-She would brag sometimes how everyone wanted to see her vagina.


...Like I said this is just the tip. AFAIK she never had sex with another man when we were together.

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Easydoesitnow]

Thanks for your feedback - I can see I am not alone...

I also experienced the bragging about how others were flirting or were trying to start up something with him.

I have coped with this by reminding myself that I did not cause this, it existed before me. It was not personal.

[rollercoasterrider]

My stbxuBPDgf does the same thing.

Everytime we broke up or even discussed it the "threats" of what she would need to do would poor out.

This included when we discussed living apart for a while... she wouldn't promise to be "true" to me then.  I was(and still am) too coependent to allow for that, so I let her move in with me.  I am getting T help and finding my boundaries etc, and getting ready to have her move out on her own.  I know she will threaten that she will then involve others in her life.  this will test my new found boundaries, but I need to do what is right for me.

I too have a sexual addiction, so I am in treatment for that as well.  It is tough being so addicted to the thing she can deliver the best.

I do feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I need to stop it before I hit the ground.

[Easydoesitnow]

Thanks rollercoaster for your feedback..

[larissap]

I also experienced the bragging about how others were flirting or were trying to start up something with him.

I thought my X was a sex addict. Since I discovered PD and believe he has a cluster B PD I am not so sure it was an addiction, more the acting out by someone with PD and no moral values to realise he shouldn't be doing it.

He often told me about how everyone was after him, how women were always flirting with him. He told me stories about women who had ripped his shirt off, and once how someone gave him a sleeping pill to give to me so he could sneak out in the night to be with her! 

There is so much else of course, compulsive masturbation, cheating, online porn and online masturbation in front of a webcam, the list goes on. 

So no, unfortunately for all of us, you are not alone.

[Easydoesitnow]

My uBPDxbf  recognises that he does not get lasting satisfaction from his encounters and has not had sx with anyone while we have been in a r/s but the threat was always there that he would leave and act out and I felt very insecure about that.

[Easydoesitnow]

I am so confused today.  I was just speaking with a counsellor (not my T) about this and she said that he was probably doing it all the time and not telling me and I would have been at risk of catching an STD, or at high risk of catching HIV because he had been involved with men.  

I have already been over and over this in the past and have formed the view that:

- If he told me about these incidents then why would he keep anything else secret?  he didn't have to tell me about this stuff.  I would never have known.
- Sex with men does not automatically equal HIV.  There are no guarantees in any r/s we just have to trust.  I insisted he have a full suite of sexual health checks.
- I viewed it as an impulsive (dysfunctional) self soothing behaviour.  I learnt not to see it as a personal slight.  I would not have tolerated it if any of this happened while we were in a r/s.  I did appreciate that he was honest with me.

My boundary is that
- I will not be in a r/s where there is cheating. 
- I insist on safe sex

Am I being naive?

[artman.1]

asydoesitnow,
     I don't really know if you are naive, however, I do know a little about the general behavior of most men.  here is my example from my experience in the Navy, and you may draw any conclusions as you wish.  This is absolutely TRUE:  I was a Reactor Operator on One of our Nations Nuclear Submarines, The US HADDOCK, SSN621, and went on a WestPac operation with 6 other Nuclear Subs.  When the trip started, we left Pearl Harbor and submerged, and soon arrived at Subic Bay, Phillipines.  In Subic Bay, we were given Base Liberty only to go to the Post Exchange to buy personal needs for a long voyage.  I went to the PX, and bought razors, and stuff, and went to the EM club and had several 10 cent drinks (they were really cheap then).  I went back to the Boat, and relieved the watch, so others could go to the PX.  Two days at sea, and the DOC (Medical Coreman on board) lined everyone up to get Penicillin shots.  He claimed out of a 110 man crew including Officers, we had nearly 100 cases of STD.s of various types.  I told him I had done nothing, and had to have the shot anyway.  It was bad, as that hurt more than any shot I have ever had, because it was really big!  WOW!  Before the trip, the Navy showed us movies about STD's, and warned us.  I was a believer, and took it seriously, but there are so many that place their pleasure first, and are low on morals.  Some of those cases, were not allowed to go ashore for the entire seven months WestPac operation.  They were restricted until they were cured and safe.
     As a result of this experience, and besides the fact that I have a high moral respect, I have been unable to screw around during my life.  My UBPDW is the only Woman I have ever been with sexually.  She has been the love of my life and I simply could not betray that love.  This is my own life policy and belief.  What is suprising to me, is the moral situation, and attitudes of many-many men.
     I hope this does not offend you, or hurt you in any way, but I am just telling the truth, and you can deal with, or dismiss it as you wish.

Art

[westgate]

I feel that sex was all about meeting their 'needs', getting attention for them, or a use as manipulation... i realise this because i can honestly never remember feeling like she wanted to share sex from a place of bonding, giving and love.

Mine was having sex with others within a week up us breaking up (6 year rel).. was sending naked photos of herself to anyone gave her attention, slept with girls, put masturbation videos of herself on the internet, was topless waitressing... these are the things i know of.

I got back with her and I have learned that nothing changes. She told me all these reasons, from being curious, to just playing around, to feeling powerful by leading people on, to not knowing what she was doing, to feeling pressured... but time showed that there were no real reasons.

She acted that way to fill the gaping hole of need that is aching inside her
my understanding is that they do not really know why. They do it because they are compelled to. Their self image is non-existant, so how can they feel comfortable with something so fundamental to self image as sexuality? How can they explain sexual fluidity, when the world is black & white?

Why cant they get some sense of self by feeling like someone else will have sex with them?

[Easydoesitnow]

Hi Artman,

Do you mean most men are like that?  But there are a few exceptions here and there.  That is one argument I have heard from others, that most men are like that, they just wouldn't tell you...Is that something I need to practise radical acceptance about?

Westgate - that's interesting about one week after...that's what I found difficult - I could no more do that than fly to the moon...

[artman.1]

Easy,
     What I wrote is the truth.  Out of a crew of 110 men and officers, we had nearly 100 cases of STD's during a one day, not 24 hours, shore liberty on the Navy Base only.  I would say that is really severe bad morals account for those men.  Yes they were all pretty young say from 20 to 45 years old group of men.  Like I said, the US Navy warned about STD's very vividly, with gross pictures and demonstrations on the film, and then the leader talked to us about the reality of where we were.  The Far East is very well known for the whore houses, and hotsie bars.  I just didn't hang out there, but instead, went on USO toures of each Country I went to.  I would say these typical guys are pretty loose.

Art

[westgate]

Hi Artman,

Do you mean most men are like that?  But there are a few exceptions here and there.  That is one argument I have heard from others, that most men are like that, they just wouldn't tell you...Is that something I need to practise radical acceptance about?

Westgate - that's interesting about one week after...that's what I found difficult - I could no more do that than fly to the moon...

Young Navy guys together, away from home, in a foreign country with s3x thrown at them might not be representative of most men.. however a lot of men (and women!) dont truly have firm principles. Everyone says they do. Few really do.

As for BPD people - they do not base their decisions on morals, values or principles. Its all about the feelings. Avoiding bad ones.

"that's what I found difficult - I could no more do that than fly to the moon..." +1. Hell. Yes. I feel exactly the same. And im happy that i am that way.

[westgate]

most men are like that, they just wouldn't tell you...Is that something I need to practise radical acceptance about?

radical acceptance does NOT mean you have to tolerate being in a relationship where guys cheat on you because that is the way they are! If the guy is that way, you need to accept him and move on with your life.. not force him to change, demand that he changes.
You can say what you want and see if HE CHOOSES to change. But accept him for who he is and what he really can or cannot give to you.

You said My boundary is that
- I will not be in a r/s where there is cheating. 
- I insist on safe sex

These are boundaries based on honourable values and principles. Please stick to them! They are fundamental to who you are. And who you are is a pretty awesome person From being on here, we can tell that you have a heart of gold. You really should honour it.

Westgate

[artman.1]

westgate,
     You may have missed the fact that this was Navy Base liberty only, and only during a short time of about 12 hours, and we had to return to the Boat, to relieve someone else so they could get to the PX.  In this circumstance, I was absolutely apalled that nearly 100 men and officers, out of a total of 110 crew cought STD's.  I'm saying that is really outragous.  When I was on the base for the few hours, that I was able, I did not see any prostitutes on base, but there must have been, as so many guys found them.  Maybe at the EM club, IDK?  Anyway, many of these guys were married, at least half.  You had to be in the Navy at least three to four years before getting assigned on a Nuclear Submarine.  Furthermore, all of the crew had to pass a rigerous mental psychological testing program.

Art

[westgate]

Art,
Wow, mate i did misunderstand the circumstances a bit - but really that doesnt change your facts & hard numbers does it? There aren't any circumstances that make it ok.

I geuss i was shocked and appalled by the numbers too and wanted some 'reasons' to make myself feel better.

I mentioned before a lot of men (and women!) dont truly have firm principles. Everyone says they do. Few really do.
If your stats are to go by, then that number is ~10%.

I have this sinking feeling it is actually lower.
Thanks for clarifying mate

Westgate

[Beluki]

This is depressing to me...

I probably shouldn't have read this thread so early in the morning.   

[redberry]

I have heard rumors that my exbf had sex with 2 men that I know.  I can't be completely sure that this is true.  At the time, I laughed at the idea.  Now, I mostly believe it did happen.  There were some flags along the way that made me wonder for a split second if my ex was maybe bisexual.  I quickly dismissed them and moved on.  Looking back, I should have gone with my gut.  Where there's smoke, there's fire.

I think their need for affection is SO strong and their lack of identity runs SO deep that even their sexuality can be in flux.  At least, this is true for my ex.

[westgate]

I think their need for affection is SO strong and their lack of identity runs SO deep that even their sexuality can be in flux.  At least, this is true for my ex.

Yea i agree with that. By no means would i suggest that everyone who displays sexual fluidity is BPD, but i feel like the sexual fluidity in the case of BPD is all about external attention coupled with unstable self image

[sunnywind]

i now recall my Ex BPDw was often having sexual checkups at the doctors, even though i was her only partner...or was i ?