Can Kids Sense BPD?

[Think About It...]

Whenever my BPDw goes out of town on business or I'm watching our 3-year-old toddler for a few hours, I have almost no problems with his behavior. Our son is pretty much under control and behaves himself when it's just the two of us. He eats his meals and goes to bed without a fuss. There's no slamming doors, throwing toys, yelling, hitting, etc.

When my BPDw is around, there always seems to be something making our son go nuts. He constantly craves attention and acts-up. He throws fits when it comes time to eat and refuses to go to bed without a fight, unless he's absolutely exhausted, and that's not often. And, he has a tendency to hit my wife.

Here's the strange comparison I make when I think about our son and, believe it or not, our 2 dogs. From the moment my BPDw moved in with me 7 years ago, she was so upset that my dogs barked and acted like dogs that she managed to convince me they needed shock collars. Their behavior embarrassed her and it absolutely drove her crazy to think she couldn't control them or their instincts as dogs.

Sometimes, I feel like she treats me like our dogs, but that's another story. It absolutely drives my wife mad that she can't control our son's behavior, and she's always trying to figure out new techniques so he won't act like a toddler spreading his wings and testing the limits. If she could buy a shock collar for him, I'm sure she would. She is so embarrassed by any peep he makes that we stopped going to Church last Easter.

Her attempts to control behavior in humans and dogs always results in failure and frustration. I'm just wondering if our son can sense she's unstable and exploits it. I have no idea if he's even capable of doing so, but he's an angel when it's just the two of us and he's a little devil whenever my wife's around.

[scaredsilly]

Whenever my BPDw goes out of town on business or I'm watching our 3-year-old toddler for a few hours, I have almost no problems with his behavior. Our son is pretty much under control and behaves himself when it's just the two of us. He eats his meals and goes to bed without a fuss. There's no slamming doors, throwing toys, yelling, hitting, etc.

When my BPDw is around, there always seems to be something making our son go nuts. He constantly craves attention and acts-up. He throws fits when it comes time to eat and refuses to go to bed without a fight, unless he's absolutely exhausted, and that's not often. And, he has a tendency to hit my wife.

Here's the strange comparison I make when I think about our son and, believe it or not, our 2 dogs. From the moment my BPDw moved in with me 7 years ago, she was so upset that my dogs barked and acted like dogs that she managed to convince me they needed shock collars. Their behavior embarrassed her and it absolutely drove her crazy to think she couldn't control them or their instincts as dogs.

Sometimes, I feel like she treats me like our dogs, but that's another story. It absolutely drives my wife mad that she can't control our son's behavior, and she's always trying to figure out new techniques so he won't act like a toddler spreading his wings and testing the limits. If she could buy a shock collar for him, I'm sure she would. She is so embarrassed by any peep he makes that we stopped going to Church last Easter.

Her attempts to control behavior in humans and dogs always results in failure and frustration. I'm just wondering if our son can sense she's unstable and exploits it. I have no idea if he's even capable of doing so, but he's an angel when it's just the two of us and he's a little devil whenever my wife's around.

[larissap]

Hi

I have a BPDexh and have been separated for 3 1/2 years.  I don't know what others are going to say but actually in my opinion it doesn't have to be his mother's BPD that makes him act like that.

Often perfectly 'normal' children with perfectly 'normal' mothers act that way around their mothers.  I am not saying it isn't the affect of his mother's BPD although I would personally doubt that at 3 years of age.  My 11 year old is only just starting to figure out something isn't quite 'right' with his dad.

Children often act out with their mother's because they feel safe with them.  Children that are angels with grandparents, at childcare, with their dad turn often into monsters when their mum's come around. A psychologist actually said this is normal to me.  She explained that is why my 11 year old acts out so badly after visits with his dad.  (although this is unrelated to your situation as his Dad and I aren't together but you are still with your wife!)

Like I said, as the first poster, I may differ from what other's think, but I would say this isn't to do with the BPD but normal 3 year old behaviour.

[scaredsilly]

I think he's normal, too, but it drives me nuts when my BPDw is always trying to fix him. She's convinced he's the only toddler who acts this way. Like I noted, she gets embarrassed whenever he acts like a toddler in public. She comes home and gets moody and depressed because she thinks she's a bad parent. She's constantly adjusting her parenting techniques, and I think it's just confusing and frustrating him because she's so inconsistent with her discipline.

This is sort of on the topic ... she has been trying to fix him and make sure he's perfect since he was born. She made sure he was on a rigid schedule for eating and sleeping. That was actually good for us and him, so I can't find much fault with it.

She read all of the mommy blogs and books that had timetables for development, and when he wasn't quite speaking 20 words by a certain month, she called the state's health office and got 2 social workers to come and assess his speech development. Turns out, he was/is normal. Of course, we fought because I thought it was useless and unnecessary, but she needed an "expert" opinion. Common sense and trusting her own parental instincts is not enough for her.

Ever since his first tooth came in she's had him going to the dentist for cleanings and exams. I have no problem with practicing good oral hygiene, but for her, it's more about him being 110% healthy and, again, perfect. She goes to doctors for personal examinations almost every month for one reason or another. Before we got married, she was scheduling appointments for me with a dentist, dermatologist, and physician. I'm guessing it was to make sure I was perfect, too, and wasn't going to croak on her before the big day or anytime soon.

When he started his "terrible twos," she wanted to get him evaluated by his pediatrician and/or a child psychologist to figure out what was wrong with him and how to fix him. I put my foot down and told her he's a toddler exploring boundaries and testing limits. She's probably still mad at me for not entertaining her paranoia.

Now he bites his nails and she is telling me he's doing it because of tension between us. She's using that as justification for her on again, off again threats to leave me and protect him. I explained he might have seen his friends do it at daycare or he might be doing it just because he can. In her head, there always has to be a worst case scenario and someone to blame. Our infant daughter sucks her fingers until they're raw, but I haven't been accused of causing that -- yet.

He has frequent nightmares, too, and that's also being attributed to "us."

Basically, she can't find any cures or quick fixes for his normal toddler behavior, so "we" must be causing it. I'm tired of talking about ways we need to try to fix what's not broken and being cast as the root of his so-called problems. It's one of many, many phases he's going to go through and they're all perfectly natural and normal -- but she doesn't want to accept that fact.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[larissap]

What you have written about here is more about your BPD wife than your son!  

I don't feel that I am experienced enough to answer some of your other questions (if you are actually asking one!    I think you are venting more than anything which is fine.)

You are probably asking how to deal with this.  I think other board members who are still with their pwBPD would be better of answering as I left my X and trying to coparent with a pwBPD as a separated partner is very different from trying to do it while still living together and maintaining a relationship.  In fact you might be better off asking this on the staying board. Not sure.  One of the board's senior people will probably help.

Glad though that you realise your son is the normal one and it is your BPD wife with the problem!

 

[scaredsilly]

I'm doing a lot of venting these past few days since she threatened to divorce me and now she's all lovey-dovey with me again. That might change on Monday night when we goto the marriage counselor, but I'm prepared to validate-validate-validate. Praying for a conflict-free weekend. Wish me luck!

And thanks for listening!

[BattleBornMom]

What you are describing is classic behavior of BPD parents toward their children -- and it is very scary. I don't know if you know that yet, but start exploring it.

Why is it scary? Because BPD are generally very good with children who are 3-4 and younger. They are the perfect recepticles for their disorder. They are true needy individuals who offer non-judgmental, unconditional love and have no opinions of their own. What more could a BPD ask for? They are blank slates to project onto and live vicariously through.

That is exactly what your wife has done with your DS so far. What you see as her actions of being a good mother are actually her selfish motives to present a "perfect" child to the world. If the world thinks she has a perfect child, then she is a perfect mother to have created that perfect child, right? So, it is all on your DS to be sure he toes the line of perfection. If he steps out of line, there will be hell to pay. If he steps out of line in public, the consequences will be even more severe because he will have exposed her to others as an "imperfect" mother. (Just as your dogs barking exposed her as the "imperfect neighbor and pet owner" and she needed to correct that at all costs. Even if it meant using electric shock on your dogs. What it did to them didn't matter. It was about what it was doing to HER.)

He is also reaching the age where he is individuating. This is a cardinal sin to a parent with BPD. He will no longer be that perfect, moldable, blank-slate. She will start to resent him for that and see it as a personal rejection and abandonment. She will lash out at him for it. He will learn to do whatever necessary to please her so that she won't rage at him. That will mean he will squash his own needs, desires, and personality in order to project the person that he thinks she wants him to be. He will learn to put her and her desires first. He will learn to guage her moods and try to guess at what she needs before she even know she needs it. The problem is that this will be a constantly moving target and he will never get it right. So, that adds a great deal of confusion, chaos and instablility into his attempts. But it won't stop him from trying -- he'll just try harder.

How do I know this? Been there, done that, still doing it with my uBPDm. I'm 35 and just NOW coming to the realization this is all wrong.

I've also seem my uBPDm do it to my 14yo niece. I've also seen the seeds of it sown in my own DS2 and DD1. Thank goodness I see it now and can stop it before it ruins my own children.

I don't want to terrify you, but I want to arm you. Arm you with the knowledge of how this really works and where it is heading. Maybe then you can find some tools and strategies to minimize it and keep it from damaging your children.

Also, maybe start doing your own parenting research. There are many differing opinoins out there about what is "best" for children. What she settles on might not really be best. The thing that sticks out to me is the enforcement of a sleeping and eating schedule as an infant. If you do the research that sort of "baby training" is highly frowned upon by trained, educated, and certified professionals. It is usually only promoted by a select few with no real background in child rearing and/or education and/or research. But they sure make a pretty penny off the books they sell. Baby training works for the parents because it seems to produce the "perfectly behaved baby." But there are other (educated, experienced) experts that feel strongly it is damaging to the child. It teaches them to NOT be their own person and NOT to trust their own needs. It teaches them to be tired whem mom says they are tired and hungry when mom says they are hungry. They learn to ignore when THEY FEEL hungry and when THEY FEEL tired. Think about it. That plays perfectly into the projecting needs of a BPD mom -- "you don't have your own needs, MY needs are your needs." That is what we, as children of pwBPD, are taught from infancy.

All trained experts I have consulted -- including the AAP -- strongly recommend eating and sleeping on demand (infant's demand, not parents') for AT LEAST the first 6 months of life. I mention that because it sounds like you have a baby girl, too.

Hang in there!

[Althea]

Battle Born,
That was very useful to me!  Thank you, as I am married to a uBPDh and worry, constantly,  about the effects on my 2 and 4 year old.  Thank you for arming me with first hand info.  We were totally ondemand parents. when they were infants.

[BattleBornMom]

I'm glad it provided you with insight.

Maybe you should consider doing some reading on the Coping board of this site. Many posts there are by the adult children of pwPD. It might provide you with insight into how we were treated and made to feel as children. Then you can look for the red flags of the same patterns in your spouse's interactions with your own children.

[scaredsilly]

Thanks, BattleBornMom! A lot of useful information. A bit scary, too, but I'm glad you made me and others aware of it.

Just got a call from my wife -- she wants me to buy egg timers so we can use them to train our son for time to clean-up, turn-off TV, goto bed, etc.

When the bell rings, he'll know he has to jump. Maybe he'll get a Milkbone too.

I'm not equipped with the skills the nip my wife's behavior in the bud yet. It kills me that I'm being tasked with buying the egg timers -- finally, she has her shock collar for our son. I'm very sad about this right now.

[BattleBornMom]

Scaredsilly,

Actually egg timers might not be a bad thing. I know, this is all very confusing. But keep posting and keep asking.

Egg timers are actually recommended by some respectable child experts. However, they have very limited use and must be used very carefully. They tend to work well not to reinforce a schedule like your wife is trying to do, but to give a toddler that doesn't have a real sense of what "5 more minutes" means the cue when "time is up."

My DS is 2 and I haven't used them yet. However, it is something I might use in the near future. Like this:

It is after supper and we usually do supper, bath, jammies, then bed. However, sometimes a bit of TV time or play time is allowed to sneak in there. So, right now, when he wants to "stay up longer/late" I tell him, "Okay. You may watch 1 episode of Blue's Clues and then it is time for bed." That is a limit he can understand, especially if I consistently enforce it.

The egg timer would work for a slight older child -- say the child wanted to color before bed. "Ok, you can color for 15 minutes, then it is time for bed. I will set this timer for 15 minutes and when it dings, that means it is time to put the crayons away and go to bed."

THAT is how it works. Make sure you are using it like that. The way you describe your wife wanting to use it is as a drill sargent's tool to enforce strict schedules. One way introduces the child to the concept of being allowed an extra bit of freedom, the concept of negotiation, knowing they have to stick to those agreements/rules, and learning what time is (ie 15 minutes). The other makes him into a mini-private in a personal rigid army of do this and do it now.

Do you see the difference?

This is the other thing your wife will do... use her powers of twisting to make something that is actually good into something bad. If you question the egg timers, she will say expert such and such says it is effective! But the truth is it is only effective when used properly and she has rewritten the truth to use it to her own means instead. Be viligent with that.

Your wife's shock collar will be her rages or with holding her love and approval. THAT is what is truly hurtful and scary to your children. THAT is what she will use as negative reinforcement.

If you'd like some gentler parenting techniques and are looking for a place to start with your research, google Dr. Sears and Attachment Parenting. The website is askdrsears.com Start there and see if you like it.

[FinalLee]

She is so embarrassed by any peep he makes that we stopped going to Church last Easter.

Her attempts to control behavior in humans and dogs always results in failure and frustration. I'm just wondering if our son can sense she's unstable and exploits it. I have no idea if he's even capable of doing so, but he's an angel when it's just the two of us and he's a little devil whenever my wife's around.

These themes sound like my mother.   I have "emotional memories" from about that age.  I also have a specific memory of being younger than 4 (because of the house, I know I couldn't have been any older) and having my mother go ballistic and scream and spank the heck of me when I spilled my orange juice at breakfast.  In fact, until I was about 10 years old, I actually thought that spilling a drink was an immoral action;  I kid you not. 

The emotional memories from that age are that the world is a very unsafe place and nothing is predictable.  I might take a step and the floor might open up and swallow me because evidence suggests that there is no consistency in anything.  There is nothing I can do in any sphere to make "good" happen and "bad" can happen any time, without my knowledge.  There is no predicting.  And even though I will have no idea how I made the "bad" happen, it's always my fault that the "bad" suddenly appeared.

It seems your son already knows the difference between the two of you.  If I may say so in a factual way, you are responsible for protecting your son emotionally from your wife's craziness.  I know that might seem unfair when you also have to try to protect yourself but your son is helpless.  Be aware of that responsibility and solicit help from others to be on the protection team.  My dad didn't protect me, he just made sure he was out of the house as much as possible.

[scaredsilly]

Thanks again BattleBornMom!

I'll be sure to take your tips into consideration when we discuss our approach.

My wife is pretty good with paying attention and giving attention to our kids. Because she works F/T, she has an awful guilt complex about it, so she devotes everything she has whenever she has it to them.

The only time she loses her cool and gets scary is when the 3-year-old goes into one of his rages and she fires back at him, "I'm done. I can't take it anymore. Do whatever you want. I don't care!" She'll then look at me and say, "I don't know what to do. What am I doing wrong?" Then she retires to the couch or bed and goes into her zombie state. All of this while the little guy has instantly calmed down and stands there like a deer in headlights.

I comfort him. I comfort her. He apologizes to mommy, but she never apologizes to him. So, yea, I guess he's getting a taste of her BPD now and I need to get to work on mastering those Lessons ASAP.

[scaredsilly]

Thanks, FinalLee!

Yes, I am my kids' sworn protector. I make that promise to them every day and that's why I'm dedicated to trying to make this relationship work.

[BattleBornMom]

I can identify with what you describe -- when my mom was good, she was VERY good. Mother of the Year for sure. When she was bad, she was VERY bad and abusive. This is what makes it so confusing and chaotic and damaging to the kid. They want the Mother of the Year and will do whatever necessary to make her appear and keep her around. The problem is that there is no predicting or understanding or logic in when Mother of the Year will disappear and Queen Witch will appear. pwPD's thinking is so disordered and illogical to us as adults... how can you expect a child to figure it out? They can't.

You are seeing the early parts of that -- your toddler is being a toddler. When you say he "rages" my first instinct is to say -- are you SURE? And if that is what he is doing, you need to get him to a child psychologist. More likely he is being a toddler. My DS2 throws tantrums, too. Frequently and seemingly randomly. He is in a very difficult stage: he can speak just enough that he understands language is powerful and a way to express himself. But he doesn't yet have the language or emotional tools to express all his feelings and desires with clarity. So, he wants or needs something... or feels bad for some reason (maybe had a bad day, maybe is tired, maybe he bumped his head and has a headache). He can't express any of that in words, so instead he looses control and tantrums when he is frustrated.

Example:

2 days ago my DS fell at daycare and got a nasty black eye. That evening he was a little monster. Nothing pleased him, he cried and screamed and threw fits at everything. Finally, I got down on my knees to be eye level with him (what I always do), put my hands gently on him, and said calmly, "Son, look at me." I repeated that and waited until he did... or at least turned toward me, then, "Bubba, use your words. Mommy can't understand you when you cry. Use your words." He would try to start to speak, but was still crying/whining. Me, "Use your words, sweetie."

Most times when I do this, he will eventually calm down enough to show me or tell me what is wrong. But sometimes he just doesn't HAVE the words. This was one of those times. So, I guessed and asked him. "Does your owie hurt?" He put his hand to his eye and said, "Yes. Hurts." Of course the poor guy had a headache. I gave him some advil.

The red flag for me in your post is that your son apologizes, but your wife does not. Classic. And problematic. He gets that "deer in the headlights" because he sees your wife angry (probably the start of what will eventually become full on raging) and it scares him. He doesn't understand why she is doing it. He just knows it is scary. Pretty soon he will start to try to link his own behavior, thoughts, and feelings to his mom. Then he will blame himself (especially because he is already being made to apologise, so clearly it is his fault). Then he will come to believe ALL her problems are his fault and it is his job to fix them.

Can you see that progression? I've lived it.

How you choose to dicipline and raise your child is entirely your choice as his parent. And remember you have at least an equal say in that compared to your wife!

Keeping that in mind, I will share what I do with my own toddler. You can take it or leave it.

At this young age (or any age really!), I NEVER expect him to apologise for his feelings, even if those feelings are anger. I always try to head off any violent expressions of anger by doing what I described above.

If I can't and he hits or bites (a normal stage at this point in development), I ALWAYS act swiftly on that. We are working on learning about the "naughty spot." I also fully expect him to apologise to anyone he has physically hurt. I do NOT expect him to apologise to ME if he has hurt someone else. The "sorry" is very specfic and very directed. "You hurt your sister when you hit her. You need to tell her you are sorry." When he does that, all is forgiven and we move on.

I never tell him "You need to apologise to your sister for being angry." Why? Because... NO, he doesn't. He has a right to his feelings. He just needs to learn he does NOT have the right to act violently on those feelings.

When he is a little older and past the uncontrolable impulses of a 2 year old developing brain, we will refine those more to learn how to control expressions of anger in healthy ways.

Expressing anger in an appropriate way is VERY hard for a child of a PD parent to learn. After all, their parent with the PD is a TERRIBLE example of how to express anger properly.

[FinalLee]

Thanks, FinalLee!

Yes, I am my kids' sworn protector. I make that promise to them every day and that's why I'm dedicated to trying to make this relationship work.

   on their behalf

[dawnjd]

scaredsilly,

Understand your issues. Mine is opposite. My uBPDso has no routine and I can't get him to understand that our child at least needs a little routine and stability to eat, sleep, etc. (my son and I get up at 6-7am, but when his dad is home, he will let our son sleep til 9 or 10...messes with our whole napping routine!)

I have also read your other post in "staying" and I have to agree with one of the other posters... she sounds OCD. There is also something call narcissistic parenting and the perfection factor your wife has might fit that. I don't know the details about it, but it might be worth exploring.

My brother-in-law is very OCD with my nephew...your wife sounds like a female version of him...

[scaredsilly]

dawnjd,

OCD, BPD, PTSD ... my wife probably has a bunch of 'em. Her MPD father tortured her during her youth and his living ghost continues to haunt her today.

She had to deal with his multiple personalities, rages, violence, and everything she saw him to do her mother, too. Her mom's a total control freak, but I don't know her well enough to put a label on what's wrong with her now. I just know that I don't want her giving relationship or child rearing advice to my wife.

I'm just trying to do my best and learn the most I can here to make sure her family's illness(es) don't get passed-on to another generation. Thanks so much for everyone's advice here!

[scaredsilly]

Here's an update and a request for some advice:

My BPDw lost her cool the other night with our 3yr old. He was throwing her stuff around and she absolutely went ballistic on him. She yelled and screamed. He cried and ran to me. I soothed him and he calmed down quickly.

She went into a rage against me after that happened. She blamed her behavior on me for making her angry all the time. No big surprise. She also felt compelled to keep on waking him up after we put him down to bed so she could tell him how much she loves him "no matter what." Interesting choice of words.

Now she feels extreme guilt and pain for lashing out at our innocent child. She continues to blame me for making her angry and won't accept personal responsibility for her own actions.

The real kicker is that she wants us to consult the pediatrician about his behavior that caused her to lose her marbles and yell at him. And she thinks we might need to take him to a child psychologist.

So, along with blaming me for making her angry, she is pinning blame on him for inciting her rage. But she pitching her idea to me as trying to help him behave better and feel safe around mommy and daddy who are "always fighting" (but we're really not - and especially not around him when we do). She just keeps telling me our son can "sense the tension between us," and that's why he's misbehaving and even biting his fingernails (we stress him out).

Do I entertain this latest attempt by my BPDw to fix our son and save him from "us?" If I disagree about it, she'll tell me I always shoot her down and don't care about her needs. And should I call the pediatrician to give her a heads-up about what's going on in my wife's head and make sure she realizes who/what we're dealing with?

[marlo6277]

I know that your son is still quite young.  But there are play therapies for very young children.

You can look at this as a silver lining. Eventually your son will likely need therapy anyway.  If mom is pushing now for him to enter therapy, I would considering just saying "I agree it would be good for him to talk to someone".  (NOTE - you are not saying that you agree that you are at fault for his behaviour or hers.  You are not saying that HE is at fault for her behaviour.  You are merely saying that it would be good for him to talk to someone)

She just keeps telling me our son can "sense the tension between us," and that's why he's misbehaving and even biting his fingernails (we stress him out).

There could be some truth to this.  Children have this amazing sixth sense when it comes to dischord between their parents.  And they can sense it.   Even if you act like it's all rainbows and bunny farts, they know otherwise.  They just do.

When we attempted to get help for my skids, mom was so against them seeing any type of therapist that it was actually making everyone more disregulated just by her disagreeing and saying that kids didn't need to see anyone.  And putting the blame on us for their behaviour.  And hers. 

We managed to find a counsellor who was willing to go the extra mile and literally find her to confront her as to why she didn't want the kids in counselling and to seek her written permission.  She did a very good job at evading the therapist.  But eventually when the stress got too much for her and the kids started lashing out at her she eventually had a revelation and decided that this was enough and said that they needed to see a therapist. 

Since then, whenever the kids start to act out at her place, she immediately sends an email to my DH stating that they need more therapy and they should be booked into an appointment ASAP as they are the ones with problems. 

While I agree, my skids do have some serious issues, I also see why they might be acting out at her house.  They aren't angels.  They act out here as well.  But we are better equipped with handling it and neutralizing the situation, where mom has a tendency to exacerbate a situation and then turn it around.

The only time she wants them to have a therapy appt is when she is affected by things.  And you know what? It works out well, because then at least they are getting the therapy they need.  Who cares how it happened?

I will also tell you as a warning - the things that come out in therapy are going to be things that probably don't paint her in a good light.  And possibly you either for some situations.  You need to be prepared for that.  And she probably won't be well prepared for it.  And then she will likely try to put a stop to it.  But as long as you have that initial consent, you are good to go.  Because then she had agreed.  Her changing her mind can easily be seen by the Ts that it's because she feels she might be in hot water.   They will continue to treat your son, especially if they see that there is actually a lot of merit to the fact that he should be in therapy to help deal with her anger and ways he can learn to cope and not internalize everything.  Which children are also very good at doing.

[scaredsilly]

Thanks for your feedback and advice, Marlo!

The more I think about this, the more I feel it's just another one of my BPDw projecting onto our kids. She was in therapy at a very young age and it's become a normal part of her life. Because of that, I feel like she can't ever make a decision on her own without consulting an "expert."

I'm afraid that she's setting-up our own 3yr old to doubt himself and to focus on things that he simply doesn't see or feel like my BPDw sees and feels. His sensitivity level just isn't set that high, but she wants us to treat him like he's being affected by anything and everything and internalizing it all -- just like mom.

My wife needs to blame his behavior on something because, as I've noted already, she is frustrated that she can't control it. So, when the books and blogs can't provide the quick remedies, she proceeds to blame herself (a busy working mom) and eventually, us -- the parents who are "always fighting" and "stressing him out."

This is just me venting, but maybe if she exerted some confidence around him instead of always being panicked and worried, he'd feel safer and more secure about himself. Right now, he sees his mommy constantly changing her approach to him and getting frustrated by his natural instinct to test the waters and figure out the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, etc.

And I certainly don't want our son growing up thinking that he needs a therapist to validate all of his emotions. I believe my wife is afraid that every grunt and groan has the potential to manifest itself into tragedy and misery and eternal emotional damage/scars. It sure did for her. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but it seems to me like my wife wants to make him emotionally dependent on an expert and encourage him to dwell on things that aren't always perfect in his young life. Knowing her, she'll have him scheduled every week to go in and dig-up some wounds for the sake of digging-up wounds. I just don't think that's a healthy approach to raising a toddler.