Dating again and confused

[Think About It...]

Hi

Its been almost a year when I left my uBPDw with my S2. Ive been healing pretty well in my opinion. I bought new house some months ago for me and my son. Im primary parent and our divorce is been clear for long time. I have been happy with my life. I have seen traumas what my past 10 year abusive relationship made to me and been working them. I have started making social contacts with other people etc.

Well now I met new woman online. Went to date and now ive seen her few times. I didnt believe she was my type when I read her emails but when I did see her and talk with her I really liked her. I feel good being with her. Ive found that I really miss touches, hugs, kisses and all things like that.

Ok problem is. That because I have read several books about BPD, codependency (Ive had some issues), mental illnesses, human psychology etc I know just too much. I see BPD 'everywhere' way too easy because my past relationship was very, very abusive and terrible.
There are red flag I know. She is _way_ too interested in me. Shes really falling really fast and yes she blames other men  for her previous relationships etc.

She hasnt yet shown any aggression or any typical manipulative BPD behavior but I fear they will come. I know with my mind that these red flags doesnt mean necessary that shes same kind nutcase than my ex was but it gives me creeps to even think about it.

I try to think I have now way more information that I had 11 years ago when I met my ex. I try to say to myself that I can end this if/when things start to go too wrong. Im still afraid that I cant. I have decided that I will keep my own life separated no matter what. I dont want to move in with anybody for long time, if ever.
Really, could anyone end dating someone when there is no bad things yet, just red flags?

[Nuhis]

Hi

Its been almost a year when I left my uBPDw with my S2. Ive been healing pretty well in my opinion. I bought new house some months ago for me and my son. Im primary parent and our divorce is been clear for long time. I have been happy with my life. I have seen traumas what my past 10 year abusive relationship made to me and been working them. I have started making social contacts with other people etc.

Well now I met new woman online. Went to date and now ive seen her few times. I didnt believe she was my type when I read her emails but when I did see her and talk with her I really liked her. I feel good being with her. Ive found that I really miss touches, hugs, kisses and all things like that.

Ok problem is. That because I have read several books about BPD, codependency (Ive had some issues), mental illnesses, human psychology etc I know just too much. I see BPD 'everywhere' way too easy because my past relationship was very, very abusive and terrible.
There are red flag I know. She is _way_ too interested in me. Shes really falling really fast and yes she blames other men  for her previous relationships etc.

She hasnt yet shown any aggression or any typical manipulative BPD behavior but I fear they will come. I know with my mind that these red flags doesnt mean necessary that shes same kind nutcase than my ex was but it gives me creeps to even think about it.

I try to think I have now way more information that I had 11 years ago when I met my ex. I try to say to myself that I can end this if/when things start to go too wrong. Im still afraid that I cant. I have decided that I will keep my own life separated no matter what. I dont want to move in with anybody for long time, if ever.
Really, could anyone end dating someone when there is no bad things yet, just red flags?

[Realization]

Nuhuis:   = bad relationship. 

Your 'inner sensory system' is flying red flags regarding certain behaviors of her's, trust yourself.

Agreed, you can still feel out the relationship/her (her personality) and retreat if the red flags become sirens...however, part of the healing (I have found/experienced) is TRUSTING yourself and recognizing that YOU are not 'feeling all that positive' regarding your (potentially) blossoming relationship if you stick around and see what happens.

I, too, started on-line dating and had found a lot of commonalities in some of the guys BUT I saw the   and, for me, I didn't want to stick it out. 

My theory: I WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR ME and I don't want to see a red flag in any potential 'suitor'...it's going to be a LONG process and my trust is in God and when the time comes...it will. 

For me,   represent a HUGE potential problem and I have learned I cannot 'save' the person or I risk being co-dependent.  This go around (after a 20-year marriage) is going to be about ME and NOT losing me...no time for the   anymore, I've tried to douse my share.

Trust yourself, listen to your 'gut' - if it's not feeling right in the beginning (the get-to-know you's) how can it change as this is the time that we're usually on our "best behavior" when trying to impress a potential suitor...

[Nuhis]

Yep thats exactly what ive been thinking too.

What makes me second guessing things and not just blindly running away beacause I see few possible   (Like she blames her exs from bad relationship and is really showing alot affection to me) is that what kind of person It really should be in the end who I end up dating?

Its not like anyone is perfect. Everyone has little traits and things which may not be 'perfect'. I think Everyone has traits which remind my exwifes some BPD behavior, they arent just as severe. Or atleast traits which I may read as ones..
Can I _ever_ find anyone which i can be 100% sure she doesnt have BPD or anything like that. I mean after few dates.

I think Im not trusting my 'inner sensory system' like you said. I dont know if its right or wrong. For sure I know that by default I hate women and cant trust anyone. I keep them away and dont let anyone near me in emotional sense.
I dont think im supposed to keep my feelings locked up rest of my life just because I fear that I may someday meet new BPD person..

 

[northerndragon]

Ok problem is. That because I have read several books about BPD, codependency (Ive had some issues), mental illnesses, human psychology etc I know just too much. I see BPD 'everywhere' way too easy because my past relationship was very, very abusive and terrible.

I try to think I have now way more information that I had 11 years ago when I met my ex. I try to say to myself that I can end this if/when things start to go too wrong. Im still afraid that I cant. I have decided that I will keep my own life separated no matter what. I dont want to move in with anybody for long time, if ever.
Really, could anyone end dating someone when there is no bad things yet, just red flags?

After a sixteen-year relationship with a BPD woman, I was right where you are for months with my new girlfriend, constant worry that she was displaying signs of BPD, that she was clingy, that she was mirroring, that I was codependent, and so on. I spent a lot of time talking to my therapist about it, worrying, fretting, double-checking. Alot of what I was seeing as BPD was just...normal couple stuff. Because BPD traits are normal human behaviors turned up to eleven.

But I'd been scarred so badly, I couldn't help but see everything as a BPD flag. I saw it in people I had been friends with for years who most certainly did NOT have BPD! This is because we spent so long in a bad relationship we are hypersensitive to behaviors that remind us of the abuse, because our prior relationships destroyed our internal sense of what normality is, kept us on a crazy-train where we were trained not to trust ourselves, skewed our perceptions, so our sense of what is normal and what is crazy is broken.

So the only real advice I can give you is: take your time. Take a loooong time. Don't move in together, don't spend every minute together, take your time. Take a year or more to see where the relationship goes, how it progresses, how she and you handle less-than-total-and-complete-immediate-commitment. And remind yourself over-and-over, "I can always walk away." And KNOW that you can if you need to. Don't let yourself get sucked in. Enjoy yourself, but don't become the relationship.

Discuss these concerns with her after you've been dating for a bit. If you can't, if she reacts poorly, if you feel her response is manipulative, there are problems you should be concerned about, because you should always be able to talk to one another openly-and-clearly about how you're feeling without feeling manipulated or worried about one another's responses. Especially negative feelings and worries.

Eventually, if things are going well, then step the relationship up.

The second thing I would do is, if you aren't already, see a therapist--one experienced in dealing with BPD who will understand what happened to you and how it can affect someone--to talk about these issues. It will help you double-check your perceptions and help recenter and strengthen your internal gauges. Because otherwise you can spend your entire life seeing BPD everywhere around you. Heck, join a DBT group! The lessons don't just work for BPD, and can be very helpful to people who aren't BPD but are having emotional difficulty (and we are!). Remember, part of healing is confronting the damage and pain left behind by the bad relationship.

This is my two cents, I'm not a therapist. But this is how I'm handling things and I feel they are going well because of it.

[SunflowerFields]

I'm going to offer a different perspective.

I have been dating too. I have become an expert in seeing the signs. The other day I identified someone as NPD after just 2 dates.

How about she really likes you?

How about she may indeed have been hurt in the past?

I have met people I am interested in, and those I am "blah" about. Those I am interested in, I show my interest. Those I am blah about, believe me, they are not seeing my enthusiasm.

And it seems that those that I am "blah" about always seem coming running for more. While those that I have been enthusiastic about (and who were enthusiastic about me), the MOMENT I show my enthusiasm, there is distance.

This is the disadvantage of being a woman. Men like to "hunt". So we have to "allow ourselves to be hunted". If it is someone you are blah about, it comes naturally. If it's someone you are excited about, it goes against everything that you feel.

If she weren't interested, would you be falling all over for her now?

For some reason, I have not been afraid to get back out there. And you know what - if, after everything I have gone through, I have managed to tame my fears and see every person as a new person, well, dammit, in my mind, so can the men. I don't want to be in another situation where I am the one who calms fears, initiates talks, has to pacify him. THAT I'm done with.

Yes, you can take your time - and should if you feel like it. She can too - she can also decide that she doesn't want to deal with someone's fears and your moving at a snail-like pace, and she can move on. The two people really have to be at the same wavelength. That's where I've gotten with the guy I have been dating. I am no longer interested in initiating talks, or calming his fears. He can do that himself. If he's not interested enough in me to overcome his fears and traumas from the past and and be in a normal relationship, that's ok - and it can be my choice to move on. Be careful what you wish for.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[newlife3]

 Understandable that you are concerned about dating, however in order to experience a healthy, emotionally intimate r/s we have to take the risk to be vulnerable..

Your comment that you hate women by default & can't trust is concerning as it sets you up for a self-fullfilling prophecy...After, all BPD's have very rigid, black and white thinking, self-defeating behaviours and do not trust anyone..You have lots of knowledge now about BPD, so enjoy dating! It all comes down to trusting yourself, setting good boundaries, and dating is an opportunity to practice those skills.. Being in therapy can really help you to let go of the hating women, and trust issues..

 When we change our thoughts, we change our world.

[Nuhis]

Thank you all for different opinions and perspectives.

Im not really hating women. English is not my native language and sometimes I express myself way I do not want to. Im really last person to think black and white. I did mean to say that I have huge problems to trust women. Or should I say trust myself that I really CAN do something if BPD or any other behavior which I find too abusive arises.

Ive been thinking that I cannot live my life in fear. I cannot close myself inside my house just to be afraid heartache is something goes wrong.

I want to start opening up to women a little by little and see how things goes. I dont want to move in with anybody, maybe not ever. Im satisfied with my life with my s2. It doesnt mean I dont want to date and meet someone. I have my own company which I run from my home etc. So I have to find someone who is fine without moving in. I dont want to 'risk' things anymore what it comes to house, company, income etc.
Its been really hard for me to build my old life back after divorce and dont want to do it again.

Ive been in therapy before and after divorce. Stopped it few months because T and myself both feeled that I can try my own wings now and if need comes I go back.


I had really nice day yesterday with her and shes coming to visit me tomorrow. 

[newlife3]