Are these the fruits of alienation?

[Think About It...]

I wouldn't worry about a focused approach to deal with specific issues triggered, for example, by the dissolution of a marriage and resulting life changes. A scattershot approach trying assorted treatments without direct connection to the dissolution...I'd worry that that could be twisted from 'a healthy response to difficult circumstances' to 'the dude's got serious issues and shouldn't have custody'.

[JustSaying]

I wouldn't worry about a focused approach to deal with specific issues triggered, for example, by the dissolution of a marriage and resulting life changes. A scattershot approach trying assorted treatments without direct connection to the dissolution...I'd worry that that could be twisted from 'a healthy response to difficult circumstances' to 'the dude's got serious issues and shouldn't have custody'.

[NorthernGirl]

One of the things my DH learned through all is ups and downs with his uBPDx was that he had to look after himself. He uses the analogy of the oxygen mask in an airplane. The flight attendants always remind parents, put your own mask on first, then assist your child. If the parent isn't getting oxygen (i.e. staying healthy), they will struggle to help their kids.

The better you feel, Scraps, the more you can help your kids.

My DH took up running in his late 40s, just after his separation. He hated it at first, but saw the look on the people's faces he was running with and realized he wanted that feeling. He had a friend who called him up and got him out the first month or so. The friend wouldn't take no for an answer. Then DH got hooked. Now he runs all the time and it gives him peace. He learned that he was good at keeping a steady pace, and so now he is a pace setter for groups, which gets him out because he knows his job helps others learning to run. There is no doubt there is a natural high that comes from exercise, and in DH's case it helped reduce his anxiety and depression immensely.

He also went to a post-divorce class, talked with a T, and kept doing fun things with his kids. It all helped. By the time I came along, he was 100 times better than he was when he was first separated.

Find things you like to do. Find a friend who will drag you out. The kids and other women  will like what they see when you're engaged in doing things for yourself.

[scraps66]

Yah know NorthernGirl, I could see taking up running for that look and I am jsut like your DH - I alwasy HATED running.  But that look is something to behold, this last gf I had - she had it, amidst a ton of overwheleming stuff she started trainign for a marathon.  Big time commitment, but it is her therapy.  It seems odd that someone would do that in an overwhelming state.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Amberlee]

If you hate running, try joining a running club that has beginning pace groups that practice at a slower pace.  (As a plus, there are usually a lot of nice, more relaxed women in the slower groups.  I should know! )

Also, consider taking a yoga class.  It will help strengthen, stretch and relax you, and also develop your focus and calm the chattering monkeys in your mind.

Also, simplify your life a bit. Establish a routine, with wake-up and bedtimes, regular habits like brushing teeth, eating meals at regular times at home, standard chores like washing dishes and putting things away.  Simple but regular tasks help to establish the norms when the kids are at dad's (or mom's) house.  Same for activities and fun times.  Don't overload the schedule when they're with you, and make sure there's down time for rest and relaxation for both you and the kids.

I agree with Northern Girl, that if you take care of yourself first, your children will also feel calmer and more secure being with you, because you'll be happier, less stressed, and more focused on enjoying your time with them.  

[scraps66]

Good points Amberlee, and I am still thinking about running, can be done anytime and a big plus the benefit/cost ratio is very high. 

I have noticed that my routine does play a part. say if there are dirty dishes in the sink and/or a heap of clena unfolded laundry, seems the rest of me is disorgaized as well.  So I've addressed that, and making a point to make the kids' lunches the night before to ease the morning routine a bit.I may even start using an alarm clock again, but my sleep has been an issue so waking is not a problem, but if I get better with everything else, start exercising, I'm guessing my sleep will improve.

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