she slept with someone else

[Think About It...]

Hi all just writing this to vent more than anything

My situation i had been with my girlfriend for 2 years, when we first got together it was amazing (i know same old story) totally in love with me, would do anything for me, sex was like nothing id ever experienced before (thats still not changed really), however i noticed some red flags when i first started seeing her, she seemed to have a real jealous streak but it wasnt so bad (or i chose to ignore it)

Anyway things were great at first at then 3 months into the relationship she fell pregnant i couldnt understand how because she had told me that she and her previous partner had been trying to get pregnant for 7 years, he had had tests and was perfectly fine, she had tests and there was something wrong but she couldnt elaborate. She told me she did not like to use condoms ( i know im an idiot, and big red flag), so i went along with it thinking that it wouldnt happen. Either i have superspunk or she lied.

The relationship was fine for a while except this darn jealousy streak, it wasnt normal jealousy, if i was watching a programme and there was an attractive woman on screen she would get angry and give me the cold shoulder or start an argument with me. Well this went on and on until it got to the point where she wanted me tol look at the wall if anything remotely bare came on tv including commercials, this then escalated to work (we work together) , i couldnt speak to female colleagues even though i had to because of my job, she would flip out at me and acuse me of being attracted to other women.

the worst was sitting at home though, i wasnt allowed out of her sight at all, and was made to feel like i was constantly cheating on her by seeing these women on tv, this was the same for movies, she had to vet every single movie first and if she deemed it appropriate i was allowed to watch it. Also the rages, she would flip out big time over a minor disagreement, she threw wine in my face, vases at me, glasses at me.

I stood up to her most of the time, although i gave in quite a lot also to keep the peace and with the belief that i was doing something wrong to her by looking at the TV. I remember one time i wanted to watch james bond but she flipped out big time as though i had requested to watch a pornographic movie. So i decided i was going to watch it upstairs on my laptop, she followed me up calling me all the vile names under the sun, grabbed my laptop threw it against the wall, and blamed me for hurting her.

Anyway after 2 years of this crap (wasnt all bad, was good times too), i decided id had enough, i asked her to see a therapists which she did on the threat of me leaving (CBT) anyway things still didnt change and i was starting  experiencing sever headaches, my stomach was in constant knots, i felt like i was doing something wrong ALL the time even though i knew i wasnt.

So i left her, anyway she had already been flirting with a work colleague and she slept with him less than 2 weeks after i split, now she knew that if we had any chance of saving this relationship her sleeping with somebody else would call the whole thing off, i wouldnt tolerate, yet she did it anyway!.

Well i didnt know at first and we tried to make things work, i was going round a few times a week, she didnt seem to be as bad (although it was still there she seemed to have more self control) she wasnt raging at me quite as much, we even managed to watch some movies that she wouldnt have dreamed of watching together so i was really hopeful. We had a short break took the kids on a holiday and had almost a nice time.

A few weeks later i find out shes slept with this guy who i was a little worired about when he first starting working at ours because they seemed to be getting quite close, but i dismissed it thinking i was being paranoid and jealous and didnt want to treat her as she was treating me, so i didnt say much.

I left, i had previously told her if she sleeps with anyone else that i would never go near her again, she did it anyway, so ive left.

Ive had text message after text message from calling me all the most horrible names under the sun, to using our son as leverage and laying guilt trips, to her telling me how much she loves me and wants to marry me etc.

Not once has she taken my feelings into consideration, how i might have felt that she jumped into bed with someone else straight away, she has never apologised and this is the best bit, ITS ALL MY FAULT! I left her, she wasnt being unfaithful (which i suppose is technicaly true) she loves me more than life itself etc, i havent replied to any of these text messages for 2 weeks.

Shes now taked time off work, (we work at the same place), brought in a sick note, crying at work all the time, making me out to be a complete bast*rd.

Shes now started texting me things like, how could i do this to her, i must have a heart of stone, i am evil, a cold hearted bast*rd etc etc, she will take no responsibilty for any part of this herself.

hes not diagnosed with BPD so i dont know if she has, i have asked a few people on here if her behaviour sounds like typical BPD but never had a definitive answer.

Wow that felt good, what a release thanks for reading guys

Well i found

[ricky15100]

Hi all just writing this to vent more than anything

My situation i had been with my girlfriend for 2 years, when we first got together it was amazing (i know same old story) totally in love with me, would do anything for me, sex was like nothing id ever experienced before (thats still not changed really), however i noticed some red flags when i first started seeing her, she seemed to have a real jealous streak but it wasnt so bad (or i chose to ignore it)

Anyway things were great at first at then 3 months into the relationship she fell pregnant i couldnt understand how because she had told me that she and her previous partner had been trying to get pregnant for 7 years, he had had tests and was perfectly fine, she had tests and there was something wrong but she couldnt elaborate. She told me she did not like to use condoms ( i know im an idiot, and big red flag), so i went along with it thinking that it wouldnt happen. Either i have superspunk or she lied.

The relationship was fine for a while except this darn jealousy streak, it wasnt normal jealousy, if i was watching a programme and there was an attractive woman on screen she would get angry and give me the cold shoulder or start an argument with me. Well this went on and on until it got to the point where she wanted me tol look at the wall if anything remotely bare came on tv including commercials, this then escalated to work (we work together) , i couldnt speak to female colleagues even though i had to because of my job, she would flip out at me and acuse me of being attracted to other women.

the worst was sitting at home though, i wasnt allowed out of her sight at all, and was made to feel like i was constantly cheating on her by seeing these women on tv, this was the same for movies, she had to vet every single movie first and if she deemed it appropriate i was allowed to watch it. Also the rages, she would flip out big time over a minor disagreement, she threw wine in my face, vases at me, glasses at me.

I stood up to her most of the time, although i gave in quite a lot also to keep the peace and with the belief that i was doing something wrong to her by looking at the TV. I remember one time i wanted to watch james bond but she flipped out big time as though i had requested to watch a pornographic movie. So i decided i was going to watch it upstairs on my laptop, she followed me up calling me all the vile names under the sun, grabbed my laptop threw it against the wall, and blamed me for hurting her.

Anyway after 2 years of this crap (wasnt all bad, was good times too), i decided id had enough, i asked her to see a therapists which she did on the threat of me leaving (CBT) anyway things still didnt change and i was starting  experiencing sever headaches, my stomach was in constant knots, i felt like i was doing something wrong ALL the time even though i knew i wasnt.

So i left her, anyway she had already been flirting with a work colleague and she slept with him less than 2 weeks after i split, now she knew that if we had any chance of saving this relationship her sleeping with somebody else would call the whole thing off, i wouldnt tolerate, yet she did it anyway!.

Well i didnt know at first and we tried to make things work, i was going round a few times a week, she didnt seem to be as bad (although it was still there she seemed to have more self control) she wasnt raging at me quite as much, we even managed to watch some movies that she wouldnt have dreamed of watching together so i was really hopeful. We had a short break took the kids on a holiday and had almost a nice time.

A few weeks later i find out shes slept with this guy who i was a little worired about when he first starting working at ours because they seemed to be getting quite close, but i dismissed it thinking i was being paranoid and jealous and didnt want to treat her as she was treating me, so i didnt say much.

I left, i had previously told her if she sleeps with anyone else that i would never go near her again, she did it anyway, so ive left.

Ive had text message after text message from calling me all the most horrible names under the sun, to using our son as leverage and laying guilt trips, to her telling me how much she loves me and wants to marry me etc.

Not once has she taken my feelings into consideration, how i might have felt that she jumped into bed with someone else straight away, she has never apologised and this is the best bit, ITS ALL MY FAULT! I left her, she wasnt being unfaithful (which i suppose is technicaly true) she loves me more than life itself etc, i havent replied to any of these text messages for 2 weeks.

Shes now taked time off work, (we work at the same place), brought in a sick note, crying at work all the time, making me out to be a complete bast*rd.

Shes now started texting me things like, how could i do this to her, i must have a heart of stone, i am evil, a cold hearted bast*rd etc etc, she will take no responsibilty for any part of this herself.

hes not diagnosed with BPD so i dont know if she has, i have asked a few people on here if her behaviour sounds like typical BPD but never had a definitive answer.

Wow that felt good, what a release thanks for reading guys

Well i found

[elizabethm]

Hi There,

I am glad you had the courage to leave when you found out that she slept with someone else.

Last Oct 2010, I found this out and he begged and pleaded and said it was not "technically cheating"...

WHATEVER!

Same thing in January...I have no clue why I went back and tried to make it work...

As soon as he knew he "had me back" and things were ok for a while...

He did THE EXACT SAME THING...and then Raged, Split me black and freaked out in all the ways

that BPD's do.

SAVE YOURSELF!  KEEP THE UPPER HAND!

Or...take is very, very, very, very slowly...going back in...

Because, this, is not over and you are in for a honeymoon period, shorter than the rest...

And the BAM...You will get hurt far worse than you can ever imagine.

They are unstable , ill people...who will flip on you in an instant, no matter what they

say or promise.

Take it from one who knows, much love, e.

[whatarideout]

not only is she a skank, but she blames you for being one.

koo koo, koo koo...

you did the right thing man. keep this tramp in the rearview mirror for good.

[Why Why Why]

Take it from me, my basic storyline is similar to yours, except I was with my fiancee for 4 years.  She cheated once, twice, three times... same repetitive behaviour.  It does NOT change my friend, no matter how much you hope it will.  Do NOT let hope blind you to REALITY.  She's sick, very sick in the head, and she won't get better out of the blue.  Even if she does undergo therapy, I'm sure it would take years to start noticing changes.  Do you want to invest that much of yourself and your time into her?  Is it worth it?

The cheating, once that line has been crossed, is the breaking point.  If you take her back, SHE WILL CHEAT ON YOU AGAIN... EVENTUALLY.  That's her coping mechanism.  Everything she is accusing you of doing is projection on her end.  You're a cheater, you're flirting, you're doing this and that means... SHE's the one doing it!

She will try to guilt, shame, and manipulate you into taking her back.  If you do, you condition her to believe she can cheat on you again... and again... and again... and again... and each time you will take her back.  And if you take her back, she'll construe that as YOU admitting fault for the relationship breaking down.

Save yourself amigo... this is the best thing that could have happened to you.  You're on the Titanic and a life boat has been sent to save you.  Are you going to hop on or will you remain on-board a sinking ship?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[blackberrypie12]

I know how you feel. My ex and I broke up but he already had someone else lined up, and probably cheated on me. He couldn't have gotten someone so fast after the break up otherwise.

That's what I can't deal with yet I still love him. It's screwing me up. But you appear much stronger than me. And it definitely sounds like it's for the best because you weren't very happy, were you? Stay strong 

[Clearmind]

Ricky, I received some insight into why my ex slept with someone else so soon after our split.

We split and we were conversing on the phone for a few days trying to sort out a time to sit and talk. I wanted the weekend to think things through. We met up and he told me he had already slept with someone else. He knew this was a deal breaker for me because I had told him such previously.

He told me it was self sabotage - he felt so bad within himself that he felt like he didn't deserve me - so he did exactly what I thought he would do.

I see these things as two things - a test to see how far they can push it and self sabotage. It rarely has anything to do with us.

BPD or not her behaviour is not right and she is treating you poorly. Do you have access to your son? Are you limited contact right now? Are you responding to these nasty texts?

Hugs to you

[ricky15100]

thanks everyone, it does help to know im not cracking up, i was almost feeling sorry for her, as she keeps telling me how much pain ive caused her.

i havent seen my son for 2 weeks, i just dont want to see her, im disgusted with her, i dont want to spend the rest of my life with someone whom i cant trust, its definitely over no doubt about it, but it still hurts that she obviously didnt care enough about me not to sleep with someone, especially someone from work who i have to see everyday now, knowing hes had the mother of my child.

i havent responded to any of her texts, and im not going to, actually i did respond once, i simply stated that she had destroyed any chance of us by sleeping with someone else, she wont admit it, but keeps saying things like, ive never been unfaithful in our relationship, justifying her behaviour by saying we werent together, i left.

she is also texting me telling me to go aound to hers to see my son, shes telling me im unfair on my son, and that he hasnt done anything to me. i know if i go round she will try to seduce me (she extremely good looking) and  me back in, its got nothing to do with my son why she wants me to go round, and i resent her for using him as leverage in her game.

i like the comment about the titanic i will think of that if im ever feeling weak.

thank you very much everyone

[Clearmind]

it still hurts that she obviously didnt care enough about me not to sleep with someone, especially someone from work who i have to see everyday now, knowing hes had the mother of my child.

She doesnt care about herself enough Ricky. I see this as a test on her part. She knew it was a deal breaker but she still did it anyway - why? - in my opinion this is what she is really thinking "I loathe myself, feel so unworthy of Rickys love and support and I don't deserve it because I am such a bad person. I have just proven to myself that I am bad because I slept with someone else. I know this is wrong but I cannot help this chronic feeling of emptiness so I seek it elsewhere - anywhere I can. I have to push Ricky away because I deserve it. I don't want Ricky to leave me because of this - but I am testing him to see how much he loves me. Well, he did leave me so he doesn't love me. I have to screw this up before he leaves me".

Do you see how messed up this thinking is. But there is nothing you can do to stop her distorted view of reality or of herself.

i havent responded to any of her texts, and im not going to, actually i did respond once, i simply stated that she had destroyed any chance of us by sleeping with someone else, she wont admit it, but keeps saying things like, ive never been unfaithful in our relationship, justifying her behaviour by saying we werent together, i left.

she is also texting me telling me to go aound to hers to see my son, shes telling me im unfair on my son, and that he hasnt done anything to me. i know if i go round she will try to seduce me (she extremely good looking) and coercion me back in, its got nothing to do with my son why she wants me to go round, and i resent her for using him as leverage in her game.

This is a guilt trip on her part. Don't buy into it - and yes she is using it as leverage.

Ricky do you have any court orders in place to have access to your son. Any emails she sends keep them. You may need them. 

Also it would be good for you to post on the law board about this.

[ricky15100]

God im feeling low today, shes been telling me now that she hasnt slept with anyone, and how she could never imagine being naked with someone else. Ive no real evidence that she has slept with anyone else, only circumstantial evidence and my gut to go off.

Its giving me hope that she hasnt, and that she has respected me enough not to have slept with anybody. However in the back of my mind i know its true and that she has.

My heads in bits

[Clearmind]

Your post Ricky speaks volumes. Hoe can you have trust in someone when you have no idea what they care capable of. For me, I feel a sense of relief that I don't have to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life.

You too, in time will find that peace. Hugs to you

[Why Why Why]

Ricky,

Always trust your gut over her mouth.  Live by this rule and you will save yourself much heartache.  Anything that comes out of her mouth is foreign talk and needs to be translated.  For instance, when she says she hasn't slept with anyone, that means she has slept with one person, possibly upwards to three.  If you count just kissing, the number bumps up to five.

[ricky15100]

Well id just like to update my post.

Around 12 months ago, id had enough of the above behaviours, i felt like i was going to have a nervous breakdown, but about a month prior to this i noticed her getting closer and close to a colleague at work (we both work at the same place), i.e. i saw them laughing and joking with each other quite a lot, i did get a little jealous i admit, but i told myself they were my insecurities that i had to deal with, aqnd that if i made her feel awful for talking to him then i would have been as bad as her.

So back to the part where i had had enough, i thought the only way to show her im serious is if i leave, so i walked out the door and left, went to stay with my grandparents, the only message i get from her is that she needs some money she gave me back because she needs to buy a car. I give her the money and she gets a car, the first place she drives to is to meet up with him, they go for a nice drink and then have sex in a car park (shes not drunk by the way, because shes driving) i had no idea of any of this.

Anyway she begs me to come back swears shes changed etc and i think ive made my point so i go back after about a month. I then start to hear rumours at work that somethings gone on between the 2 of them, i have no proof and she denies it, saying people are just causing trouble. It turns out it wasnt just a one off theyve done it a few time, and theyve also been to a staff party and a few of the staff have gone back to his and they have ended up in the bedroom together.

Now shes justified this by saying i left her so she wasnt unfaithful to me, but i cant help the feeling that if they had have had an opportunity even when we were still together i feel they would have done something. It also seems they have been sending naked pictures of each other to each other.

It just seems like double standards, im the one whos not allowed to watch movies with attractive females, im cant see nudity, she even said when i returned if id been watching porn i had better pack my bags and leave. Yet its ok for her to sleep with someone else and send naked pictures of herself etc.

i suppose my question is, do you think its ok to sleep with someone else so soon, and am i wrong to feel hurt. She couldnt have cared less about me right?

Ive left again ive been gone around a month, this is the 3rd time ive left, i decided to put the fact that shes been with him behind me, but the old problems kept rearing there head, starting arguments with me if id seen any nudity on TV etc, so i left again, shes been begging me constantly to come back, that she really has changed etc.

Do you know something after just writing that down, am i the worlds biggest sucker or what?

[Dera]

Do you know something after just writing that down, am i the worlds biggest sucker or what?

No, I'm sure you will find that you are in good company here, with many of us being simultaneously controlled by their jealousy and cheated on. When they cheat, they project it on us.

[timesup]

No you_

[abovebeyond]

My Ex BPD fiance had the same jealousy issues. Pathological jealousy. Would get uptight and btchy when channel surfing and a commercial with a hot chick came on. Look out! Mad. So absurd that we put up with this. If this behavior would've popped out the first 1-3 months, I would've been over and done and gone. But they cleverly wait till the hooks are firmly inplace and you've lost reference for reality, to begin dragging their skeletons out of the closet.

[Mauser]

Glad to read there are some many other people that, you know, weren't technically cheated on. I was technically not cheated on a couple of times. And then when he was engaged to someone else (that I didn't know about) it wasn't technically cheating when we were still having sex.

That's not even mentioning the emotional affair he had since day 1 of our relationship, which wasn't, you know, technically cheating either.

[Rise]

...she fell pregnant i couldnt understand how because she had told me that she and her previous partner had been trying to get pregnant for 7 years, he had had tests and was perfectly fine, she had tests and there was something wrong but she couldnt elaborate. She told me she did not like to use condoms ( i know im an idiot, and big red flag), so i went along with it thinking that it wouldnt happen. Either i have superspunk or she lied... So i left her, anyway she had already been flirting with a work colleague and she slept with him less than 2 weeks after i split...
A few weeks later i find out shes slept with this guy who i was a little worired about... Ive had text message after text message from calling me all the most horrible names under the sun, to using our son as leverage and laying guilt trips, to her telling me how much she loves me and wants to marry me etc... Not once has she taken my feelings into consideration, how i might have felt that she jumped into bed with someone else straight away, she has never apologised and this is the best bit, ITS ALL MY FAULT! I left her, she wasnt being unfaithful (which i suppose is technicaly true) she loves me more than life itself etc... Shes now started texting me things like, how could i do this to her, i must have a heart of stone, i am evil, a cold hearted bast*rd etc etc, she will take no responsibilty for any part of this herself.

You're not the biggest sucker in the world. Because the edit above is my story. Almost word for ever-loving word (I got a weird eerie feeling reading your story because it felt like I was reading my own). We loved them, so we trusted them. Because you're supposed to trust the people you love the most. It's not your fault. And it's not about you. It's about her, and her insecurities, and the raging, pathological fears that drive everything she does.

The question of whether or not it was okay for her to sleep with someone so soon is kind of a tricky question. I can't say whether or not it was right or wrong. Technically you weren't together, so she isn't really obligated to do or not do anything. But, what I can say is that it was hurtful. And you are completely justified to be hurt the way you are. If she really did want to be with you again, she should have waited to avoid the potential damage it would have done to your relationship.

As far as her not caring about you, you also have to understand the way the mind of a pwBPD works. At that moment, no, she couldn't have cared less about you, because at that moment all that existed in her world was an emotional need that she had to fill. There was no thinking of consequence, of responsibility, or how her actions were going to affect others. She felt something was going to make her feel better so she did it. It's like when a drug addict pursues their next fix. That doesn't mean that before, or after she didn't care about you. But at that moment, you most likely didn't even exist in her world. Not that it makes what she did acceptable. Nor does it excuse her actions. I know it doesn't really make things feel better right now, but it really had nothing to do with you.

She may keep telling you that she has changed. She may say things will be better this time around. A month is not enough time for someone to change in the manner that she needs too. There is something seriously wrong with her, and it's going to take months, if not years for her to recover from it. If you really want to go back, the best advice I can offer is let her prove she has actually changed first. Don't just take her on her word.

[bunnyrabit]

yeah, they will only admit they've cheated when they're caught red handed or when there's rock solid evidence. They will admit it but they will never own it, they will come up with excuses, lies, everything, twist and turn like a devil in holywater. Mine was actually photographed whilst cheating ( always claiming she'd NEVER do that ) in a f'cking sexclub no less... Still she managed to avoid taking blame for it... She claimes I had drugged her and put her up for grabs in that sexclub and that she can't remember a thing... I guess I can stop wondering where I got that STD from... This is only what she admits to so God knows what else kind of disgusting cheating went on    I will never know and quite frankly I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW!

Oh yeah, she was also jealous of anything even the f'cking cat. That's right, when it was sitting on my lap she'd be really jealous of it cause it was too close to my b@lls
Man, crazy or not they make by far THE MOST LOUSY partners one could imagine. There's literally NOTHING they can do right in a relationship...

[BPD Magnet 1]

yeah, they will only admit they've cheated when they're caught red handed or when there's rock solid evidence. They will admit it but they will never own it, they will come up with excuses, lies, everything, twist and turn like a devil in holywater. Mine was actually photographed whilst cheating ( always claiming she'd NEVER do that ) in a f'cking sexclub no less... Still she managed to avoid taking blame for it... She claimes I had drugged her and put her up for grabs in that sexclub and that she can't remember a thing... I guess I can stop wondering where I got that STD from... This is only what she admits to so God knows what else kind of disgusting cheating went on    I will never know and quite frankly I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW!

Oh yeah, she was also jealous of anything even the f'cking cat. That's right, when it was sitting on my lap she'd be really jealous of it cause it was too close to my b@lls
Man, crazy or not they make by far THE MOST LOUSY partners one could imagine. There's literally NOTHING they can do right in a relationship...

ROLMFAO...So true...They really are F-UP's...

[Dera]

yeah, they will only admit they've cheated when they're caught red handed or when there's rock solid evidence. They will admit it but they will never own it

So true. My ex only admitting things when it was clear the truth was out already. Even then, he wouldn't discuss it. He would cut them out of his life, and things would get better, but we would never discuss it again. He would be very angry and basically told me that if I couldn't get over it I should leave. I mean, he said it like, I would be right to leave, go ahead. Which of course, had me being all "No, no, I can handle this, we are going to get through this, hush, it'll all be ok." So I comforted him because he cheated on me.  I am like the best gf ever.

...Oh yeah, she was also jealous of anything even the f'cking cat. That's right, when it was sitting on my lap she'd be really jealous of it cause it was too close to my b@lls

lmao!