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Think About It... Defending our boundaries is more than a response in times of conflict - it's a lifestyle. Learn how to get in touch with your values, define and communicate boundaries of those values, and defend against boundary busters. ~ Skip
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Author Topic: On-Line Dating  (Read 2825 times)
WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #20 on: October 27, 2011, 11:28:51 AM »

Sounds to me like she was looking for someone to pay her way.  Sorry.

Not sure why you're sorry. I guess my point is how I find my perception different now. She had a description of what she was seeking that seemed so... wholesome... and my reaction was "yeah, right".  rolleyes

I hope I don't stay this way, but then again I don't want to be naive either. Somewhere in the middle sounds good to me!
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Brer Rabbit
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« Reply #21 on: October 27, 2011, 11:36:00 AM »

Ahhh, profiles and descriptions lol

I love picking them apart...its gotten to be somewhat of a hobby  Devilish

I love descriptions like "Girl next door"...what on earth is that supposed to mean?

Or like mauser pointed out "...will try anything once..." really? That reminds me of the 2nd American Pie movie...with the trumpet lol

Or "easy going and laid back" unlike the rest of us who suffer from ulcers and road rage  rolleyes

The best...profile pics of 2 girls...are you advertising a 2fer? Which one am I actually msging?
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #22 on: October 27, 2011, 11:52:40 AM »

WGB (and LTL...) maybe I just haven't been playing the game long enough... cuz I'm not seeing the red flags. Or at least, I'm not interpreting it as a meal ticket.  In fact, some of those I might write in my OWN profile...  Help?

If I was going to REALLY honest in a profile, what would I say? Well...

Newly divorced, cynical man seeking female exactly the opposite of my mentally ill ex-wife. Fun-loving, but if we have too much fun at first, I will probably label you as mentally ill as well. Successful, but almost had to fold my business because of tending to daily dramas instead of clients. Caring and generous, but that will probably change now that I have been used every way possible. Hard-working, but that doesn't mean that I want to add you to my work load. You? I don't care about looks as long as you are not ugly inside. Must be willing to undergo a background investigation and credit check. Must have more friends than enemies, and most of your friends must be of the same sex. If you are 10 years younger than me or more, tell me if you had a good relationship with your father. Must NOT carry a Neiman Marcus card in your wallet!

Pathetic, isn't it?  cool
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« Reply #23 on: October 27, 2011, 04:10:19 PM »

WGB (and LTL...) maybe I just haven't been playing the game long enough... cuz I'm not seeing the red flags. Or at least, I'm not interpreting it as a meal ticket.  In fact, some of those I might write in my OWN profile...  Help?

If I was going to REALLY honest in a profile, what would I say? Well...

Newly divorced, cynical man seeking female exactly the opposite of my mentally ill ex-wife. Fun-loving, but if we have too much fun at first, I will probably label you as mentally ill as well. Successful, but almost had to fold my business because of tending to daily dramas instead of clients. Caring and generous, but that will probably change now that I have been used every way possible. Hard-working, but that doesn't mean that I want to add you to my work load. You? I don't care about looks as long as you are not ugly inside. Must be willing to undergo a background investigation and credit check. Must have more friends than enemies, and most of your friends must be of the same sex. If you are 10 years younger than me or more, tell me if you had a good relationship with your father. Must NOT carry a Neiman Marcus card in your wallet!

Pathetic, isn't it?  cool

WG,

I just cut and pasted your profile on mine.  cheesy

Although I'm not ready to date I put my profile on a free online dating site just to see what is out there.  Either my STBX has ruined me or my standards are just too high now.  Who knows, I might try to go out for coffee or something if a lady would just happen to find me interesting enough to inquire. 

But what I do realize is that nearly all the profiles have the same things in them.  I believe nearly everyone on those sites have been burned one way or another and might be a little jumpy when it comes to communication and then meeting.  If you make a mistake with one, there is always the next profile that pops up.  Don't fret too much. 
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justMehere
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« Reply #24 on: October 27, 2011, 06:15:04 PM »

What is with all the women posing in low cut tops or just plain slutty outfits?
(I found my ex UBPD bf on Tagged.com 2 days ago and the way these women show themselves
is appalling!
I did look at personals a a year + ago and found the ex on chemistry.com. I did not get lots of guys interested in me, though I am successful and attractive, and now I wonder if it was because my 2 photos (not 8!) showed me in a conservative shirt.
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Rubies
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« Reply #25 on: October 27, 2011, 06:48:30 PM »

What is with all the women posing in low cut tops or just plain slutty outfits?
(I found my ex UBPD bf on Tagged.com 2 days ago and the way these women show themselves
is appalling!
I did look at personals a a year + ago and found the ex on chemistry.com. I did not get lots of guys interested in me, though I am successful and attractive, and now I wonder if it was because my 2 photos (not 8!) showed me in a conservative shirt.
'Cause that's what most guys are looking for?

I joined a couple of online dating sites awhile back at the urging of my cousin when Hayseed said he was going to get back with his xgf. I met a few men and I'm done with it.   One kiss, they wanna get in the sack.  I don't put out, they aren't interested.    I seem to be getting a lot of hits now and I'm ignoring it all.

I'm sticking with my Homeboys I meet in person, the ones I can observe in the wild first and know by reputation before speaking to them.   I live in a conservative area and these respect me and my boundaries, even the stalkers.

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Brer Rabbit
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« Reply #26 on: October 27, 2011, 07:20:54 PM »

imma with you on that rubies...what I get is "Youre not looking for sex...you must be gay." Im sticking with who I know in preson lol
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learnedtolaugh
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« Reply #27 on: October 27, 2011, 10:10:35 PM »

Hard-working, but that doesn't mean that I want to add you to my work load...I don't care about looks as long as you are not ugly inside.

That says it all WGB. Glorious post. You are a magnificent creature.
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Brer Rabbit
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« Reply #28 on: October 27, 2011, 10:37:14 PM »

That was classic WG...I might hafta steal it too lol
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ve01603
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« Reply #29 on: October 28, 2011, 02:40:51 PM »

Ahhh, profiles and descriptions lol

I love picking them apart...its gotten to be somewhat of a hobby  Devilish

I love descriptions like "Girl next door"...what on earth is that supposed to mean?

Or like mauser pointed out "...will try anything once..." really? That reminds me of the 2nd American Pie movie...with the trumpet lol

Or "easy going and laid back" unlike the rest of us who suffer from ulcers and road rage  rolleyes

The best...profile pics of 2 girls...are you advertising a 2fer? Which one am I actually msging?

Yikes!  The world has certainly gone to hell.
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Gowest
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« Reply #30 on: November 04, 2011, 10:38:00 AM »

Newly divorced, cynical man seeking female exactly the opposite of my mentally ill ex-wife. Fun-loving, but if we have too much fun at first, I will probably label you as mentally ill as well. Successful, but almost had to fold my business because of tending to daily dramas instead of clients. Caring and generous, but that will probably change now that I have been used every way possible. Hard-working, but that doesn't mean that I want to add you to my work load. You? I don't care about looks as long as you are not ugly inside. Must be willing to undergo a background investigation and credit check. Must have more friends than enemies, and most of your friends must be of the same sex. If you are 10 years younger than me or more, tell me if you had a good relationship with your father. Must NOT carry a Neiman Marcus card in your wallet!

Pathetic, isn't it?  cool

If you google "honest personal ad" you find a lot of stuff like this. Abusers really get around.
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Brer Rabbit
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« Reply #31 on: November 19, 2011, 01:35:21 PM »

Ok...on the online dating note...hilarious  grin

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1611490608.html
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« Reply #32 on: November 19, 2011, 02:18:16 PM »

WG,
I am saving your post for the online dating...that is flipping hilarious!
We should start a thread to see what everyone else does not want in a RS.
Thanks for the laugh today, I needed it my friend.   lol
MaK
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« Reply #33 on: December 13, 2011, 03:39:36 PM »

Ive been on a dating site recently.

what is it with all these women, no pictures, alias's, tell you to cantact them they will send pictures, et?
they're profile says they are 99 years old, then they message you saying they are really 33 years old., et.
of course you ignore them, so whats the point?

this is what struck me first few days and beyond.  i mean if they are just trying to get you to respond, you will soon find out
what they look like.  makes no sense.  there are hundreds of them!

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Rubies
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« Reply #34 on: December 13, 2011, 08:45:39 PM »

I recently read an article that stated 81% of the people at the oline dating sites lie in their profiles.

No wonder I have serious negative issues with online dating.   I'm done with it.  I'm sticking with my Prairie Homeboys, Hayseed, Hickerbillies and the fishermen I trip over down at the river.

My number one critieria in a man is honesty and integrity.  The online men just don't cut it.
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northerndragon
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« Reply #35 on: December 15, 2011, 02:35:16 PM »

"I am a very easy going guy that truly will try anything once or twice and I take pride in keeping my life simple by using DBT skills and Mindfulness."

Oh HECK no. NO NO NO NO NO!  I mean, maybe he picked this stuff up from his job... maybe they have to learn it... but I DON'T CARE!

If he is a chem dependency tech and works at a mental health center/rehab/halfway house, they do, in fact, have to learn it as part of their job! smiley

DBT isn't just for BPDs, BTW, it's a valuable skillset for anyone to learn and use in their life, and covers many of the same things we learn about on the boards here: knowing our feelings, understanding our reactions, caring for ourselves, not making other people our issues, boundary setting, etc.

I mention this as I started attending a DBT group after my uxBPDw left last year, to help deal with the suicidal depression that engendered, and I'm not BPD or an addict or etc. Many of the people in DBT therapy are, but some of them are like me and were suffering from serious depression, or dealing with the after-effects of sexual assault, or so on. (My T joked about the irony with me, "Here you are going to DBT and it should be HER going!")
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« Reply #36 on: December 15, 2011, 06:15:59 PM »

I can only echo the words of caution, but also of potential. I think as with many things, it's all about balance. My friend's experience of the free sites is that many of the men are just out for sex and quite a few she's dated have turned out to be married. I used subscription online dating as a way of trying to run away from the aftermath of my BPD relationship.Signed up for a month and immediately met a great guy, who, it turns out had also just escaped a BPD ex. We've been together 3 months now and so far, so good. We are both still being pursued by our exes, so have given each other lots of moral support. Funny old world. Was quite interesting in the first few weeks of our dating, as we really sussed out each other's mental health! One of the first questions he asked me was whether I enjoyed rollercoaster relationships, when I answered 'no way', he breathed a visible sigh of relief, which was sooo reassuring.

Good luck with it all. Don;t know til you've tried and at least you should be able to spot the signs now x
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« Reply #37 on: December 22, 2011, 04:08:06 PM »

My crazy ex bf has used online dating sites for years, he is on match.com and chemistry.com for sure, plus a couple of local dating sites. The profile says that he has a great sense of humor, he is athletic, successful, financially secure, intelligent, honest, sophisticated, with good family values and great friends...looking for a long-term (what a joke) traditional relationship.

Of course it does not mention all the failed, max 2 years long relationships due to a typical BPD pattern, controlling, jealous, dishonest behavior, abusive language, physical violence, extensive drinking, suicidal threats. 

Be careful with these online profiles...my ex was talking to other women online even when we lived together. I was not allowed to use his computer and I never knew his password. That's how he made sure the next one is around the corner when he gets bored.
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ve01603
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« Reply #38 on: December 23, 2011, 06:16:09 AM »

I recently read an article that stated 81% of the people at the oline dating sites lie in their profiles.

No wonder I have serious negative issues with online dating.   I'm done with it.  I'm sticking with my Prairie Homeboys, Hayseed, Hickerbillies and the fishermen I trip over down at the river.

My number one critieria in a man is honesty and integrity.  The online men just don't cut it.

Unfortunately, talk is cheap, and it is even cheaper on the internet or the phone.   lol
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Neverknow
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« Reply #39 on: December 23, 2011, 06:38:11 AM »

Be very careful dating online.  Read between the lines.
I met my dBPDh on Match.com, so many red flags were present.
I figure there are a lot of men on those sites who want to get laid and then there are men on those sites who want a mommy.

Be careful!  This time, I am going nowhere near them!  Just my opinion.

That's where I met my BPDw.  Match.com.   I later learned, that half of the time I thought I was communicating with her, it was her mother answering for her, trying to get her set up with "a nice guy" because mostly she was going for one night stands.

I wasn't really answering her messages to me fast enough and she told me she had lost interest.  She had pictures of herself looking like  a party girl (and that wasn't what I was looking for).  I finally agreed to meet her at a bar and right in front of my me, she morphed from party girl into somebody who seemed just like me.  It is really freaky now, to see how good she was at it.  I was convinced I had met my soulmate, a woman who thought and acted just like me.   And, so good looking.  Man, had I hit the jackpot.

I just wish someone had explained BPD and "mirroring" to me ahead of time.  Boy, would my life be different, today.
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