Don't trust my dBPDw with my D7 (her step-D)

[Think About It....]

Background: I was divorced and remarried in 2010. My new wife was recently diagnosed. My daughter hasn't fully adjusted to this in such a short time. At first my dBPDw was treating my D7 pretty well, but now it seems that she has no ability to empathize with a child who is having to adjust to having so many lifestyle changes within less than 2 years. I have 2 step daughters that live with us (11 and 14). My D7 acts out sometimes because she wants attention when she comes to visit us every other weekend. This has resulted in her hitting another child (gently with a skinny belt), and climbing on furniture. I don't excuse my D7's behavior, but I try to show some compassion with her because I understand WHY she is behaving this way. Unfortunately, my dBPDw has raged at my D7 on several occasions. dBPDw has painted my D7 along with my ex-wife completely black. To further complicate matters, this has caused distance between my D7 and step daughters. We are not "blending" well and it is a direct result of my dBPDw's fault for trying to disciple my D7 without even trying to build any positive relationship with her first. When I've said that I will take care of the discipline problems I'm told by dBPDw that I am not stern enough... Not true in my opinion, given the entire set of circumstances. Anyway, I don't trust her to be alone with my D7 because even if I leave for 15 minutes to go to the store, it seems that something (real or imagined) happens, and there is an incident where my dBPDw has had to discipline my D7.

Last weekend it seemed like I finally got through to my dBPDw that she MUST build some good experiences with my D7 before she will be effective in disciplining her. She hasn't had the opportunities that I have had due to my D7 not living with us. I regularly interact with my step daughters, which is easier since they live with us. It's easy to take them out for ice cream, etc. My dBPDw shows no action in doing things like this with my D7, and I'm not even sure I would want to allow it until I see her act kind to her a little more often. Does anyone have any helpful advice on how to make this easier?

[CodependentHusband]

Background: I was divorced and remarried in 2010. My new wife was recently diagnosed. My daughter hasn't fully adjusted to this in such a short time. At first my dBPDw was treating my D7 pretty well, but now it seems that she has no ability to empathize with a child who is having to adjust to having so many lifestyle changes within less than 2 years. I have 2 step daughters that live with us (11 and 14). My D7 acts out sometimes because she wants attention when she comes to visit us every other weekend. This has resulted in her hitting another child (gently with a skinny belt), and climbing on furniture. I don't excuse my D7's behavior, but I try to show some compassion with her because I understand WHY she is behaving this way. Unfortunately, my dBPDw has raged at my D7 on several occasions. dBPDw has painted my D7 along with my ex-wife completely black. To further complicate matters, this has caused distance between my D7 and step daughters. We are not "blending" well and it is a direct result of my dBPDw's fault for trying to disciple my D7 without even trying to build any positive relationship with her first. When I've said that I will take care of the discipline problems I'm told by dBPDw that I am not stern enough... Not true in my opinion, given the entire set of circumstances. Anyway, I don't trust her to be alone with my D7 because even if I leave for 15 minutes to go to the store, it seems that something (real or imagined) happens, and there is an incident where my dBPDw has had to discipline my D7.

Last weekend it seemed like I finally got through to my dBPDw that she MUST build some good experiences with my D7 before she will be effective in disciplining her. She hasn't had the opportunities that I have had due to my D7 not living with us. I regularly interact with my step daughters, which is easier since they live with us. It's easy to take them out for ice cream, etc. My dBPDw shows no action in doing things like this with my D7, and I'm not even sure I would want to allow it until I see her act kind to her a little more often. Does anyone have any helpful advice on how to make this easier?

[JustSaying]

build some good experiences with my D7 before she will be effective in disciplining her

The question is if she should be disciplining her AT ALL. There's a theory that no step parent can effectively discipline a child if they entered their life after age 5 or so. I'd be considering a bit of family counseling to establish clear rules for everybody regarding the interactions with and discipline of D7. I can't think of any circumstance under which I'd tolerate another person (step parent) usurping my role in the disciplining of my daughter. They should bring their concerns to me rather than handle it directly.

[CodependentHusband]

JustSaying,
     Don't get me wrong. I don't stand for this. In fact, I NEVER leave my D7 alone in the house with my dBPDw anymore, not even for 15 minutes. It's inconvenient, yes, but necessary. If I felt that family counseling woudl work right now, I'd try to get us into it. Right now she has just started seeing a pdoc, and they are adjusting meds  before he refers her to someone for therapy (hopefully DBT, but I'm not suggesting anything... leaving that to the pros and my wife, since I have no direct control over this). I have told my dBPDw that if she ever raises her voice at my D7 again, we will be leaving immeditely and cutting the visit short. If that means that I have to stay in a hotel with my daughter for a night or 2, or at a friend's house, so be it, but that's my boundary.

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[JustSaying]

I have told my dBPDw that if she ever raises her voice at my D7 again, we will be leaving immeditely

Good.

Today D14 went through a ton of nonsense with her mom yelling at her, and the thought of ANYone yelling at her is a real sore spot.

[Matt]

build some good experiences with my D7 before she will be effective in disciplining her

The question is if she should be disciplining her AT ALL. There's a theory that no step parent can effectively discipline a child if they entered their life after age 5 or so. I'd be considering a bit of family counseling to establish clear rules for everybody regarding the interactions with and discipline of D7. I can't think of any circumstance under which I'd tolerate another person (step parent) usurping my role in the disciplining of my daughter. They should bring their concerns to me rather than handle it directly.

Really good subject - not an easy one - every family works a little different, and lots of step-families not too well...

I married my BPD ex when SD was 6 and SS was 18.  When they say "my parents" they both mean their mom and me, even though we are now divorced - I was the father figure for both of them from then on.  If someone had questioned whether I should act as the parent I would have thought they were nuts - of course their mom and I were the parents because we were the adults in the house and I did my best to treat both stepkids as my kids, same as if they were my biokids.

I realize that's not how it is in many stepfamilies.  JS's ideas about getting these issues very clear, and maybe family counseling to help that, are great ones!

[WhyAskWhy]

I was once a D7 with a rapid-fire divorce and remarry dad.

 As bright and wonderful and blow-you-away as little kids can be..expecting them to have an adult grasp, understanding, vocabularly and reporting ability to describe the flip-flop of sanity/ insanity is just plain unrealistic.  Adults have trouble dealing with those with dpd..what the hell chance does a child have against pd--undx'd or dx'd?

Little kids are left with no 'telling' option but to act out in some way.  Your kid does what she does.  Me, I puked frequently.

 I am in my 40's now.  I am still NC with my father & my stepmother.  If I were to face my father today..I'd still be on the fence as to whether or not to ask him questions first, or slug him for introducing me to that crazy person he left my mom for.

I have several other relatives that would be right in line behind me, offering the same indecision regarding appropriate treatment--that woman he married after he left my mom--that woman destroyed our family.

My advice to the OP is: take your D7 out of the mix with your stepkids and your dpdw, right now.  You think dpdw is complaining about D7's behavior now..wait until D7 gets a little bigger..a little more independent.. more vocabulary under her belt...

 Don't let things get to the point where your ex-w feels she has no choice but to cut your D7's contact with you, because of what's going on with dpdw.

  With the co-operation of your ex-wife,  get the kid to a competent T. Give your D7 the vocabulary and the permission she needs to open up and speak plainly to you--and do not punish her when she does--because eventually she might tell you a few things that set you back a few paces--such is the way with kids; especially with pd parents/stepparents are involved. 

Give your  kid a chance to know you one-on-one. Give her the gift of normalcy and let your D7 grow up some without the insanity of dealing with a pd stepmom until she's old enough and big enough and at least has the language to deal with it.  You may have signed up for a life with a pwpd in it--your little girl, did not. 

[CodependentHusband]

WhyAskWhy,
   Thanks for your response. I appreciate your being candid and sharing your opinion on the topic. I understand from your posting that you had a tough go of it as a child and undoubtedly had to deal with some things that nobody should ever be subjected to. With that said, I may be wrong, but it seems to me that there are some inaccurate assumptions being made here that, while true in your case, don't necessarily follow through in my current situation. I came here for support. I'm not saying that I only want to hear what I want to hear, but let's be clear on the facts before we make sweeping statements which may well only add more chaos to my D7's life.


"...that crazy person he left my mom for."

I did get remarried way too soon, but I did NOT leave my ex-wife FOR my current dBPDw. My ex-wife was an alcoholic who subjected me to FAR more verbal and emotional abuse than my dBPDw ever has. Not only that, I had to bail my ex out of jail for a DUI and she cheated on me without remorse over a period of 6 months, despite being compassionately reprimanded several times. The unhappiness in that household was most certainly not a healthy environment for my daughter, who was 5 years old at the time. Unfortunately, due to the legal system, and the laws in effect in my state which STILL favor women over men for primary custody, I was unsuccessful in getting primary custody of my daughter. Fortunately, it appears that the divorce was the dose of reality that my ex-wife needed in order to finally straighten herself out, and I am as sure as I can be that she is no longer drinking. After the divorce, I was vulnerable, and had no idea what BPD was. I started talking to an old friend who idealized me and I fell for it (and fell in love with her). I thought that my dBPDw just had some anxiety issues at the time, but I knew that I was happier than I had been in many years. Anyway, I got remarried quickly, and here I am 18 months later, I finally know what BPD is, and I find out that my 2nd wife has this disorder. NONE of this is my D7's fault, and if I had my way I would change many things I've done in the past, but for now, I have to do the best I can with a bad situation. Leaving my dBPDw may well be the best option in the end, but I'm not leaving her now that she has just started to get help with her problem and has kept her first three pdoc appointments.



"--that woman he married after he left my mom--that woman destroyed our family."

I'm sorry that happened to you. In my case, my D7's family was already destroyed by my alcoholic, cheating, ex-wife. I realized I couldn't save my ex-wife, and I can't save my dBPDw either. I'm just trying to do what's going to be the best thing going forward.



"My advice to the OP is: take your D7 out of the mix with your stepkids and your dpdw, right now."

This seems rash to me, and even if my ex was able to successfully stop me from my legal visitation rights, I'm not sure that it would be in my D7's best interest at this particular point in time.


"Give your D7 the vocabulary and the permission she needs to open up and speak plainly to you--and do not punish her when she does--because eventually she might tell you a few things that set you back a few paces--such is the way with kids; especially with pd parents/stepparents are involved."

I appreciate the advice. I always encourage open communication with my D7 and tell her all the time that she can tell me anything. I have discussed getting her into counseling with my ex... I will bring it up again and see if I can get her to go along with it.

[WhyAskWhy]

I'd like to offer my apologies.  I was still in the drafting stage of that post when it apparently got sent.

Long story short, I got called away from my keyboard last night and in due course, went to bed.

I have a young cat, who apparently still finds my computer an endless source of feline fascination.  My best guess is that he was batting at the cursor or walking on the keyboard, or some combination of both.

He's sent email that way, too.  In my next house, I'm putting a camera in my office to figure out just how he does it.

Please forgive us.

[CodependentHusband]

Thank you. There is no need for an apology. I'm sorry if I came off as abrasive myself. The truth is that I feel that I have a lot of people relying on me now in addition to my daughter (my dBPDw and her two daughters). If I would have known then what I know now, I wouldn't have allowed myself to seek the comfort of another partner after ending a bad marriage of 10+ years. There is so much suffering in the world, it is hard sometimes to remain positive... And knowing exactly what the right thing to do is almost never as simple as one would like for it to be.

I am so sorry to hear what happened to you, and I'm actually glad I got your reply, even if it wasn't in the edited stage that you intended to post. I need to remember your story so that I remain ever-vigilant in my efforts to protect my daughter and, as best I can, my step daughters. My dBPDw also had a VERY difficult childhood with her mother's illness. No doubt she had both nature and nurture working against her. She has a sibling who is breaking the cycle through a lot of hard work, and it looks like my dBPDw is finally starting to show signs of having the same type if commitment. So, I will not forget, and I will step up my efforts even more to shield my daughter and step daughters.

Thanks

[Matt]

Good example of how things often go here - we all bring our unique experiences and tend to "project" them onto each others' situations, which can be helpful sometimes or something not so much.

Best is like you guys are doing - taking it for what it's worth and judging for yourself what to learn from each other.  "If it doesn't apply, let it fly!"

And of course, if all else fails, we can blame it on the cat.  (Mine climbs on the keyboard and orders stuff I can't afford from Amazon.com.)

[CodependentHusband]

(Mine climbs on the keyboard and orders stuff I can't afford from Amazon.com.)

ha ha! Thanks for the laugh! That's what I needed right now! :-)

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