Should I ask my xBPDw to seek treatment... again...

[Think About It....]

I've just started reading "understanding the Boraderline Mother." and it all rings so true.  My x wife with BPD is undiagnosed.  Before I left her 5 years ago I gave her a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells, telling her that she might learn something about how she was raised.  As she read it she said this not only sounds like my mom, but it sounds like me.  When I pushed farther, her eyes dialated, and she shut down.  I left the next day.   5 years ago.

I would rate her a 6 out of 10 when it comes to her BPD.  She fits every description but has not acted out (yet) in the more severe ways re trying to kill herself, super wacky behaviour etc.  Just the common very obvious emotional abuse of our two kids s9 and d11. d11 just entered therapy and is having anxiety and seeing the abuse.

exBPDw recently kicked her mom out of her house on a visit for as my kids put it "being mean."

My question.   Does the group think there would be any benefit to re-introducing my x to the idea that she was raised by a BPD mom and asking her to seek treatment to stop the abuse of our kids?  Could I give her a copy of "understanding the boarderline mother."  How do we break the chain?

Thanks for your thoughts.

[concerneddad]

I've just started reading "understanding the Boraderline Mother." and it all rings so true.  My x wife with BPD is undiagnosed.  Before I left her 5 years ago I gave her a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells, telling her that she might learn something about how she was raised.  As she read it she said this not only sounds like my mom, but it sounds like me.  When I pushed farther, her eyes dialated, and she shut down.  I left the next day.   5 years ago.

I would rate her a 6 out of 10 when it comes to her BPD.  She fits every description but has not acted out (yet) in the more severe ways re trying to kill herself, super wacky behaviour etc.  Just the common very obvious emotional abuse of our two kids s9 and d11. d11 just entered therapy and is having anxiety and seeing the abuse.

exBPDw recently kicked her mom out of her house on a visit for as my kids put it "being mean."

My question.   Does the group think there would be any benefit to re-introducing my x to the idea that she was raised by a BPD mom and asking her to seek treatment to stop the abuse of our kids?  Could I give her a copy of "understanding the boarderline mother."  How do we break the chain?

Thanks for your thoughts.

[JustSaying]

Does the group think there would be any benefit to re-introducing my x to the idea that she was raised by a BPD mom and asking her to seek treatment to stop the abuse of our kids?

No.

Nothing coming from you, even if accurate, will be well received.

No matter how much crap X goes through, she doesn't get that any of this is her doing. When D complained about X's yelling at her, X said, "It's what I grew up with, so it won't harm you to grow with it either." CE said to me, "She's going to be shocked when she learns the harm she's done to D." As oblivious as she is to her behaviors and the effect they have on those she loves, how open do you think she'll be to hearing that she bears some responsibility for it?

[concerneddad]

So true... I guess I just needed to hear it again.   Why do I always hold out hope? 

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[JustSaying]

Hope cannot be for changing other people. Hope can be for ourselves and our children to grow to handle with grace the vicissitudes of life.

[concerneddad]

So true just saying.

[C12P21]

Hope cannot be for changing other people. Hope can be for ourselves and our children to grow to handle with grace the vicissitudes of life.

Terrific post.
I feel for you, CD as you desire the best possible outcome for the children. I made the mistake of begging my exH to seek professional help for his disorder. He would go, then quit and this was his pattern. After the divorce, I once again tried to get him to seek help. He didn't and only became angry with me.
Once I quit focusing on his disorder-I realized the only thing I could do was try to build safety nets around our children. We attended T, family classes, and when the kids would discuss their D, I tried so hard to remain neutral so they could trust me with their confused and conflicted emotions about him.
My efforts paid off. Although my son has some emotional pain over an emotionally unavailable dad that is indifferent to him and undependable, my son also knows its his father problem, not him. My older kids with the exception of one child, knows this too.
Keep you healthy, keep those communication lines open, and love your child. Its the best you can do. 
C

[Astarta]

Good luck, I have actually gotten my husband to go to DBT therapy but it is only but so helpful. Some time even them going to therapy is not worth the fight.

[Matt]

Yeah, I'm with everybody else.  We all struggle with this, but I can't remember anyone here having any success with this.

Best is to focus on how to help the kids deal with their mom's behavior.  If it is truly abusive, and you can document it, you might be able to establish supervised visitation to minimize the risk, or even suspend her access to the kids til she gets help.