At the moment I feel lost, my world that was once organised and easy, has become a confusing and difficult place to be in. My world simply no longer makes any sense. I so need help to understand things. I have a questions about a relationship I have been in and out of over the last 4 years and support here may just clarify my own understanding and ultimately stop me going totally insane.
My story of our relationship is filled with such awe and wonder, and also hurt and betrayal that the loss I feel at its ending has brought me to the edge of insanity and back so many many times, but equally leaving me questioning if next time could be different.
I started out as an entirely sane, successful though somewhat lonely degree educated criminal justice professional. Then I met Sally, not her real name but close enough.
I was not ready for a relationship as my marriage had ended 6 months before and I was still getting used to being single. Sally made me feel so so special, telling me I was the most charismatic man she had ever met. The relationship became very intense very quickly, aided in part by Sally telling me who I was the only man to ever understand her, with me being so different from her controlling and violent separated husband. I was sent undying love poems, bought ridiculously expensive presents (she was on benefits and where she got the money from I have no idea), she also could not sleep without me calling her on the phone to say goodnight, and would pine if we couldn't meet up for any reason, truth be told, I felt the exact same. Day to day she was humble, very emotional and loving and appeared to be the most generous and kind natured person I had ever met. There was no sign of what was to come. And what came broke me over and over.
The first signs something was not as it seamed came after we had dated after about 12 months. I had found a collection of photos on her computer of a half naked man in her bedroom after she asked me to take a look at mac as some of the program's were crashing, the photo app being one of them. She tried to say it was an old family friend of her fathers but I did not believe her. In the end she admitted that she had gone on a dating site and met this man, after telling him she was single, she made out it was non sexual and that all she had talked about was me. It was utter rubbish but I chose to believe she had not slept with him as I loved her and knew if i accepted she had slept with him, I would have had to have walked away. 12 months later she admitted she had slept with him and suggested her reason for doing so was in her own words, revenge, to punish me, with her justification being I had considered ending our relationship when we had been seeing each other for about 3 months when my then wife had got in touch and had wanted to call off the divorce. Sally knew about her getting in contact and for a couple of weeks I really was torn, I'm sure neglecting and hurting Sally in the process, but after me and wife met in the park for a chat about what may or may not be our best course of action, I decided that it was Sally who I now loved and my future and loyalty was to her and her alone. Sally knew pretty much everything and at no time did me and the wife meet other than recored above but sally later blamed me for her cheating on me and when I challenged her about the hurtful way she had dealt with a difficulty that arose, and that she lied to me about sleeping with the guy of the Internet, she said it was only a little white lie, expressing absolutely no empathy for the hurt she had caused me.
We put this incident behind us. For the next 12 months I was the apple of her eye. She treated me like a king, she was doting and attentive. Then she stats college and immediately started giving a fella a lift to and from college. 3 months in I'm dumped. Callously she moves from me to the new guy overnight, ignoring all my requests for an explanation as to what I had done, and at the time totally denying she was seeing the guy from college. I missed out that in the months before being dumped, we had got engaged, and I had never seen anyone more excited or happy.
2 months later we get back together, trying to put the past in the past we recommitt to each other and we talk about our new future and we get re engaged, this time I buy her a new Â£1000 engagement ring and an to get married and move in together just as soon as her studies (to be a nurse) are completed.
Shortly after the engagement I fell down the stairs, nearly dying. I needed 3 months recovery from broken ribs and damaged lung and kidney. Sally seemed very caring during this time but Xmas morning I got the shock of my life. I found out that at the same time we had got engaged, she had again joined a dating site and had been talking to other men. I confronted her about it but she was not willing to own up to why she was in effect cheating on me again. She flew into a rage and knocked me to the floor, hitting me about the head. Later when we were speaking of the events of Xmas morning and her assault on me she minimised her actions and joked that her assault on me had at least given me an extra week off work.
I still loved her so much and so wanted to remain in a relationship with her, again forgiving her for the hurt she had caused. Somehow she appeared unable to grasp that she had again sabotaged our relationship by her deliberate actions and that our relationship had not just hit a rocky patch by chance.
Having agreed to stay together, she wanted to complete her studies and for us to only see each other the odd day here and there. I helped her by proof reading her essays and on occasion, did a complete re write to help her get her grades up. Eventually when her results came in that grades had excelled, I made a comment that I was pleased that I was able to help her. At this point she began to berate me and verbally abuse me over the phone, accusing me of doing nothing to help her grades improve, that is was her hard work alone that was the cause of her improved results and that I was just a b*******d for trying to claim her grades and success for myself.
Over the next 3 months I was pushed away more and more. Eventually she came to tell me she could not have a relationship with me ad she had to prioritise looking after her grandson, and though she loved me, just could no longer spare the time.
Having felt rejected I tried to move on but when Sally felt me slipping away from her, she begged me to give her another chance, threatening me in all sorts of ways if I would not see her to sort things out. Eventually with a bit of time alone I agreed to give her one more chance to commit to me and to treat me right, when I called her to say I still loved her and wanted to give the relationship another go she cried, however before getting the chance to meet up, she verbally abused me via text message to say get lost, I had had my chance and had blown it( she had met a fella on a dating site and no longer seeded me).
In the relationship we had got close to each others children, though I noted very little management of her 4 young children, two of whom had physically assaulted their 13 month old puppy, Sally failed to really discipline her children but gave them heaps of love, just never any tough love. Her management of money was very problematic , given her spending silly money on gifts etc but having no money to feed herself or the kids. Debts and debt collectors soon followed.
This relationship has me devastated and so confused. At a time of showering me with love, time, fantastic gifts and telling me she was desperate for us to spend our lives together, sally is going online talking to other men, or in an instant, dumping me for some any old bloke that happened to show her any interest. When I try to walk away she is devastated, making loads of promises to keep me. None of which she keeps.
She flits from seeing me as a charismatic kind and most loving man she has ever met, to someone who acts so hurtful the next, and on many occasions ignoring me as if I don't even exist, to breaking down at the thought of losing me.
I wonder from what I have put if Sally is showing signs of BPD or NPD, only I recognise some of her traits as similar to others I have read on this site.
Sally was physically abused by both parents as a little girl, going into care at the age of 4 or there abouts. She said her adopted mother hated her-though in her adopted fathers eyes she could do no wrong. With 3 failed marriages behind her I had tried to be the perfect gent and really take care of her, I treated her better than anyone else I had ever dated and loved her so much more in the process. At times she can be the most exciting person in the world, at others she can be extremely unfair, showing no concern for the people she hurts, sharing our most intimate sexual details with other people at college and blaming me for everything that went wrong in our relationship, ignoring me for weeks on end one moment, to crying and fretting if she hadn't heard from me the next. One minute I'm a god to her and treated as such, the next, I mean nothing to her and berated, constantly lied to and verbally abused and insulted. Today I am neither hero nor clown, somewhere in the middle, though all she will admit to is on reflection, we had enjoyed the best times of our lives. She tells others that I am at fault for our relationship problems, describing me very unpleasantly in the process. I am though very confused.
You thoughts on this relationship would be most appreciated and to help me understand what's going on may just bring me some peace and help me plan my future. I do though love her ( the good side of her) so very much, but also remain vigilant to the dark side.
I have tried talking to Sally about her behaviour, suggesting her past may be playing a part, she denies there is anything wrong with her, not at all, not ever; that it must be with me, cause I'm the only guy she had ever cheated on, so therefore it must me something to do with me as to why she has treated me this way. I have met one of her ex husbands, I am aware that he does not hold kind views of her. I am though at a loss, feeling that I grieve for the kind wonderful, generous and exciting woman I first met, also missing the way she made me feel, and also feel about myself.
My world no longer makes any sense and comments from others here would be really appreciated.