TOOLS: I have made an inventory of problem areas in my life (step 8)

[Think About It...]

The Survivors' Guide on the Coping with Parents, Inlaws, or Relatives with BPD is a guide to recovery from childhood abuse. If you're on this journey, it can help to take stock.

If you're not on that particular path, it can still be very helpful to pause and assess the problem areas in your life. This is called "taking inventory" and is a process to surface what's going well, what you want to work on, and what's important to YOU in having a successful life. No judgment--just observation.

1. Where are you on the journey, which step? What is your work at this step, right now?

If you've reached Step 8 (or are ready to take inventory), let's work on it together.

I have made an inventory of the problem areas in my adult life.

Mourning [Step 8]: The initial step of mourning involves taking a full and honest inventory of the problem areas in your life, because you first have to identify what you want to change before you can begin to change it.

By now, you should be fairly clear as to how the abuse has affected your adult life. You may also have identified additional problems that you did not recognize earlier. If so, add them to your inventory. This inventory is more than just an accounting of your problems. It will serve as the blueprint for the changes that you need to make to create the "new you."  

2. What are the problem areas in your adult life that you would like to work on?

Remember--identifying the areas is the first step. Try not to be overwhelmed if the list seems daunting. Doing the list helps to get to the next steps, in which you can take further action to make your life better. Examples of areas you might identify:

Problem relationships
Difficulties at work, school
Making decisions
Addictions
Self-sabotaging behavior
etc.

[blackandwhite]

The Survivors' Guide on the Coping with Parents, Inlaws, or Relatives with BPD is a guide to recovery from childhood abuse. If you're on this journey, it can help to take stock.

If you're not on that particular path, it can still be very helpful to pause and assess the problem areas in your life. This is called "taking inventory" and is a process to surface what's going well, what you want to work on, and what's important to YOU in having a successful life. No judgment--just observation.

1. Where are you on the journey, which step? What is your work at this step, right now?

If you've reached Step 8 (or are ready to take inventory), let's work on it together.

I have made an inventory of the problem areas in my adult life.

Mourning [Step 8]: The initial step of mourning involves taking a full and honest inventory of the problem areas in your life, because you first have to identify what you want to change before you can begin to change it.

By now, you should be fairly clear as to how the abuse has affected your adult life. You may also have identified additional problems that you did not recognize earlier. If so, add them to your inventory. This inventory is more than just an accounting of your problems. It will serve as the blueprint for the changes that you need to make to create the "new you."  

2. What are the problem areas in your adult life that you would like to work on?

Remember--identifying the areas is the first step. Try not to be overwhelmed if the list seems daunting. Doing the list helps to get to the next steps, in which you can take further action to make your life better. Examples of areas you might identify:

Problem relationships
Difficulties at work, school
Making decisions
Addictions
Self-sabotaging behavior
etc.

[Loveisfree]

Wow, I was finally able to make it through some of the steps, before I felt stuck at 1 and 2.

Problem areas:

Relationships - my main problem at this time.  Trying to make new female friends and learn how to find guys who can be fjust friends.  I think I need platonic male friendships to learn how to relate better (no good male role models growing up once dad died).  Unfortunately, I recently went to a tenant's association where I lived and a made a friend.  She invited me to her house warming where she displayed PD tendencies (surprise, surprise  ) telling tales of a security officer stalking her but then slipping and saying how she had invited him to her , let a guard at a concert "feel her up" for backstage passes, calling my name out repeatedly during a game because she worried I wasn't involved enough.  Just a few pink flags.  She later invited to watch a parade together and showed up with wine I gave her at her housewarming and cups.  She proceeds to drink all of the wine quickly, yells out borderline racist and ethnic jokes to the people around us, yells out that my wine tastes like black cherry soda, starts giving group of Chinese students "American" names and proceeds to call them by these names, and everytime I try to slide away from her she calls me "Sis" and "grandma"     On the train ride home, she asks a black guy if he is dressed as a "hood" for Halloween (he is wearing regular clothing  ). 
Back home she stops by the security desk and tells the head guard (an older man) that the heat is so hot in her apartment that her skin is drier than his ballsack     The guy she says is stalking her is standing there and looks totally disgusted.  I give them a look that I hope shows that I am not a close friend.  I have been hiding from her ever since.  She has been texting. 
I am not going to give up on meeting people but this was disappointing. 
I also plan to activate my Match account and see what happens.  The last guy did have some issues including talking about himself in third person when I asked him to tell me about himself.  I wrote about him in the starting over forum 
I really would like to find out why I keep attracting these types.  The woman at my building sat down beside me out of all of the people there.  Like I had a target on my back. 
I am guessing that therapy would help but with student loan repayment coming up, and my little faith that therapy would be helpful, I am still on the fence there. 

Thanks for this thread blackandwhite     I always forget to access where I am in the recovery process. 

I also feel stuck in my career and need to move forward.

Need to learn how to relate better to other family members.

[mommasa]

My Inventory:
-Inappropriate/excessive guilt:  I feel guilty and personally responsible for ANYthing that goes wrong.  If someone is sad or upset, I rack my brain until I find a way I may have upset or wronged them.  If a business shuts down, I feel guilty that I didn't shop there more.  Its ridiculous!
-Self Sabotage:  I know I am capable of achieving more, but I turn down job offers, opportunities, don't push myself at all.  I don't really know why.  I tell myself its because I want to put my kids first, but I don't know if that is the whole truth.
-Difficulty making decisions: I hate deciding what to make for dinner, what movie to see, etc., etc. because I worry that if others hate it, they will blame me.  If a decision impacts only me, then I have a much, much easier time just making a decision and going with it.
-Social anxiety:  I hate meeting or interacting with new people.  I feel judged, un-worthy, fearful that I will say or do something idiotic or offensive.  I worry that I make people feel awkward and uncomfortable by my presence b/c I am not extroverted enough.
-Obsessive thinking:  I obsess over things, let them roll around in my head non-stop for days.  It's exhausting and takes up valuable mental space that should be spent on my kids or my job.
-Parenting:  I am too lenient with my kids and I don't have enough schedule and routine in their lives.  I worry that if I set up a schedule of any kind, I will beat myself up when we have to stray from it.  I worry that if I make too many strict rules for my kids, that I will spend all my time fighting with my kids (like BPDmom and my brother) instead of enjoying my time with them.  I know my kids need more rules and structure - but I never had that and feel incapable of manifesting it in my life.
-Money:  My family is in a financial mess!  I am terrible at budgeting b/c I am an emotional shopper.  Fortunately, I also am extremely cheap and miserly, so my "splurges" are usually under $5 - but it still makes it hard to stay on a budget.  I also have tons of student loan debt but took a low-paying non-profit job b/c I wanted to help others.  We have no savings, no retirement, and no college funds for our kids.  My relationship with DH is fantastic except when it comes to money, I worry that I feel some resentment that he is taking so long to graduate college (6 1/2 years!) and I feel like I am bearing the financial burdens alone. 
-Career:  I used to love my job and even came in to work on weekends.  Now, I still like it, but I also really resent it because of the low pay and the time away from my kids.  I have started coming in late, not being as focused and productive as I used to be.  I still get good annual reviews, but I feel guilt that I am not the employee I could be/used to be. 

[blackandwhite]

Great start, Loveisfree and mommasa!

How did it feel to write all of that out?

Loveisfree, you wrote:

I really would like to find out why I keep attracting these types.

That and related questions are key--great that you've identified that.

Let me ask you a questions. If you could have a "do over" of your evening with your "interesting" new friend, how might you act or handle things differently?

mommasa--very insightful list. When you look it over, can you identify one concrete action you could take that would help with one of the areas? What action might that be?

[kelfink]

This is posted at a great time for me - after a bit of a crisis over the holiday, I've come back to this step and have been making a list on my own of the problem areas in my life so that I can address them all in T.  Here's what I have so far (sorry it's so long...):

-- My self-esteem is non-existent and I'm very self-conscious.  I feel "less than" everyone around me regardless of circumstances, and I hold myself to much different and higher standards than anyone else.  Someone else who has a busy life and doesn't have time to get everything that they want accomplished I can completely understand, but for me – who has two jobs and not a lot of free time – it is unacceptable.  I am very awkward in social situations because I’m too preoccupied with trying to gauge whether people are thinking negatively of me.  I am very shy and quiet and do more listening than talking, mostly because I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I just don't say anything at all.  I have an incredibly hard time believing anyone would like me. 

-- I have an intense fear of abandonment.  Any argument or perceived criticism/rejection from someone leads me to automatically think that they hate me and/or will leave me, even though I have nothing to really prove that this thought is true.  My feelings equal facts (this bleeds into other areas of my life, but it definitely fits here).   I feel abandoned, therefore that MUST be what is going to happen.  This is more true the closer I get to someone (it's the worst with my DH).  I worry constantly about him leaving me – I figure that he has to be sick of dealing with me by now (most of our arguments stem from my negative behaviors).  I think in the back of my mind I’m just waiting for him to leave because I expect it, and this of course creates a negative attitude that drives other actions. 

-- Tying into the above, whenever I feel as though I am disliked or being abandoned/ignored, I lash out.  I am angry/sad and cannot let a situation "settle down" (can't give people space during an argument to cool off...I always feel as though things need to be fixed NOW).  I can't sit with my feelings (I have no idea how to self-soothe, essentially).  Sometimes I wind myself up so much that I can't even pinpoint what started it all in the first place.  I just have an intense emotion and can't get rid of it and it sparks actions I am never happy about later. 

-- I often make small things into a much bigger deal than they need to be.  A molehill becomes a mountain in a lot of cases. 

-- Whenever there is an issue, I feel excessively and inappropriately guilty about it, even when it has nothing to do with me.  I feel the need to “fix” the situation and beat myself up when I can’t do that.  If someone is upset about something, I feel it’s my job to make them feel better and often will assume that I have done something to make them feel that way even when there's no way for that to be the case.

-- I have a hard time trusting people's motives, and will typically automatically assume they are negative even if there is nothing that indicates that they may be such. 

-- I'm horrible at describing my feelings and putting a name to them.  I think I repressed them for so long that now that I'm feeling them, I honestly am not sure what they are.  I have a hard time telling people how I actually feel or what I’m thinking.  I think this is partially because I’m afraid of being criticized for my feelings/thoughts, and partially because I have a very hard time putting them to words at all. 

-- I have mood swings that I don't fully understand.  I get caught up in my feelings and not only do they fester and become something much larger than they should be, I also become totally unaware of how I’m affecting others with my reactions to these feelings - too caught up in my own head.  I can become unreasonably upset or angry over things and I don’t always understand why I am feeling so strongly about it. 

-- I’m horrible at making decisions, small and large (yes, even about what to make for dinner!).  I’m always afraid of making the wrong decision, or making a decision that someone will dislike or criticize me for.

Whew!

[blackandwhite]

In this exercise, you get extra credit for a long list, kelfink. 

A great thing about your list is that all the things you identified are things you can work on very well in therapy.

Do you have a feel for the first thing you might want to tackle, or one small way you might begin work on one of these areas?

One thing that helped me with my list was to look at it in different ways, through different lenses. A lens I used was the early maladaptive schemas developed by Dr. Jeffery Young as part of a system of therapy called schema therapy. You can see a listing of the schemas at http://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm. These are patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting we can develop when we're young to cope with difficult situations. We then carry these patterns into adulthood, where they no longer help us but hold us back. However, we can't simply say, okay, that's done, on to the next! We have to work our way out of the schemas and into new ways of thinking, feeling, and acting.

I found it helpful to look at my problem areas in relation to the schemas, and then start to think about (and work with my therapist on) challenging some of the schemas as they came up in my daily life. Just seeing how they relate to my problem areas was in itself really helpful--it was like they popped up out of the flat surface and I could see wow, this is something I don't like, but I can get my arms around...and I can change it!

We don't have permission to reprint the schemas here, but if you want to go to the site at http://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm and take a look, I'd be interested in what you (and of us participating here) might take from comparing the schemas to our problem areas.

B&W

[mommasa]

I did find the schemas helpful.  I identified strongly with: Defectiveness/Shame, Enmeshment (although have felt much improved in this area lately), Failure, Subjugation, Self-Sacrifice, Approval Seeking (Also noted to self that I identified with every single schema under the domain of Other-Directedness), Emotional Inhibition, Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness.  Thinking about these domains, and talking about them with my T, I think, will be very helpful.  I know I have so much faulty thinking that needs to be re-wired, so this is a good place to start.  As for concrete steps I can take - in some areas I can't identify concrete steps for myself: guilt, self-sabotage, trouble making decisions, obsessive thinking - I think these are areas that will require a lot of work on changing well-worn thought patterns, which I struggle with, but T is helping.  I do have some ideas for concrete steps for the other areas of my inventory, though.  For social anxiety - My T encouraged me to start going to a mom's group, which I have been doing, but dreading and feeling like an awkward moron the entire night.  So first - I will make myself keep going and second, the next time I go, I am going to try thinking that I am someone famous, and that no matter what I say or do, everyone there is just excited to spend time with me.  It sounds silly, but I am hoping it will stop all the fear and negative thinking I have when I think others are judging me.  In parenting - I am going to start having dinner at the same time, every night, and at the table - but I am going to allow myself one slip up per week without any guilt or self-blame.  In money - I am going to start texting my husband every time I spend money, so I have to be accountable to someone else to try and stop the emotional spending.  In career - I am going to let myself be imperfect and distracted b/c that is where I am at right now mentally, but I am going to only count time that I spend actually working - so if I have to stay late, I have to stay late - that should incentivize me to become more focused over time. 

[kelfink]

A great thing about your list is that all the things you identified are things you can work on very well in therapy.

Do you have a feel for the first thing you might want to tackle, or one small way you might begin work on one of these areas?

It's nice to hear that - sometimes I get so caught up in how long the list is that I feel as though I'm too "broken."

I think my biggest issues, and the ones I'd like to work on first, are my feelings of abandonment and general self-esteem and feeling far below everyone else.  And in a lot of ways, they tie together, and also tie to the other things on my list.  If I don't constantly feel as though I'm unworthy or going to be left behind, I think I'll have a lot fewer issues in my relationships and also in general social situations.  It's a giant monkey on my back. 

I'm not entirely sure what my plan of action should be for these, but I think what I need to start doing right now is just being more aware of things.  Be able to notice when something starts to bother me and be able to take a step back and think about what is really going on instead of just reacting, or shutting down altogether.  What I've tried to do in the past is redirect my thinking to something else to try and avoid getting myself to a certain point of emotion, but I'm now thinking that taking a solid look at what is happening and getting a feel for how my mind travels to these places would be more beneficial.  Being able to better understand myself instead of just being "here" would be welcomed change.  I think once I understand it all better it may be easier to find a solid way to make changes in these behaviors (thoughts on this?). 
I'd also like to dive into trying to figure out exactly WHY these behaviors exist in myself,  but I don't really know how to go about doing that yet.

Reading the schemas was also very helpful to me, thank you for posting them!  I relate to many of them, just as mommasa does, and I think taking a deeper look at them and tying them to some of my dysfunctional thoughts/actions will be very beneficial. 

[Sorting It]

I took a look at the schemas and was blown away. I can totally relate to some of them, and I thought they were just my own issues that no one else had.  I tried to relate them to the areas I want to work on. I put numbers next to the explanations that relate to the maladaptive schemas.

Problem areas in my life that I want to work on.

Friendships
1.I fear being abandoned by people. Don’t want to get involved emotionally, because of the pain that would be involved. For instance I fear that my husband will die. I fear that friends will choose to spend time with someone other than myself.
2.I expect that others will hurt me emotionally, manipulate me, or take advantage of me. I worry that people from social groups make fun of me behind my back.
3.I expect zero emotional support. If I receive it I look for ulterior motives. The only case that this does not apply is with my husband.
4.I have a pervasive sense that I am not ok; that there is something inherently, terribly wrong with me. I’m afraid if I don’t act exactly ‘right’ everyone will be able to see the real me; which will be met with horror and revulsion.

Making decisions
2.I spend inordinate amounts of time researching before I spend money to try to ensure that I am not being taken advantage of. After a big purchase I have all sorts of doubts and fears that I have been taken advantage of.

Purpose – this can be a hobby, a job, a volunteer position. Right now I’m not committed to anything.
I think this relates to feeling that I am not ok. I feel like an imposter no matter what I do.
5.I feel totally isolated from the world. I do not fit anywhere.
Also I’m not ‘up to’ being with people, and most jobs and volunteering requires some people interaction.

I don’t know what problem area in my life this relates to, but this schema made me shake when I read it.
7. I expect disaster to occur at any moment. I fear that I am infectious. (no basis in reality) I have always wondered why I can’t use logic to get this out of my head. I also fear that the floor of the shower will collapse (doesn’t matter which shower, I always fear this), that the walls of my house will fall, that I might go crazy and not recognize it. I constantly work out scenarios about being attacked in different situations and what I could do.

Not sure where to go with this, but I will bring it to my next T session, and figure out a plan.

[Loveisfree]

Great start, Loveisfree and mommasa!

How did it feel to write all of that out?

Loveisfree, you wrote:

I really would like to find out why I keep attracting these types.

That and related questions are key--great that you've identified that.

Let me ask you a questions. If you could have a "do over" of your evening with your "interesting" new friend, how might you act or handle things differently?

mommasa--very insightful list. When you look it over, can you identify one concrete action you could take that would help with one of the areas? What action might that be?

Thanks

I feel like a broken record     

I am glad you posed that question because it made me realize that I had more power over the situation than I realized at the time.  I tend to sit with people like this and for some reason, feel like I have to wait it out because I agreed to do some activity with them, or I feel guilty or horrible about leaving. 

I should have left when she started drinking in public and insulting the people around us.  I really wish I had just told her that if she is going to drink outside than I would have to leave because it is illegal.  I also could have just excused myself.  She was being so extremely "nice" to me, yet the "nice" was really just more red flags.  Asking me repeatedly at the restaurant if I liked my drink, I said it wasn't what I expected but I was going to keep it and that it was fine.  When I went to the bathroom and came back, she had changed my drink to what she was drinking     She also started telling me about her mother who was not talking to her and I heard the word bipolar so I stopped listening.  My mind was already on trying to shorten the night.  I just felt so bad about ending the evening early as she was so excited and I guess I felt I owed it to her because she did take an interest in me and invited me out. 

I have to work on seeking out people who share my values and trying to reach out.  I saw some women at my tenant's association who seemed really nice and interesting and I am going to go back.   I just really need to get out more 

[irishbear99]

I've been spending a lot of time on Step 8 lately, mainly because my T helped me identify that my current thought and action patterns that were working for me in the past are no longer working for me.  So, here's the list so far (it's a work in progress and always growing :

1.  Black and white thinking.  I am very rigid in my thinking, specifically when it comes to others and whether their actions hold to my expectations.  If someone does something that doesn't align with my values, I tend to write off the person as all bad.  This has actually extended to my work organization and is affecting my work and my joy from my work.  I took a special assignment last year, and the way other people acted (immorally, sometimes illegally) colored my view of the organization as a whole.  (Kind of a guilt by association thing, I think.)  This is actually what drove me to T - I'd painted my whole organization black because of this one (albiet, very bad) experience and had lost faith and joy in what I do.  Recognizing the black and white thinking patters is helping me see the grey in things, and is starting to restore my enjoyment and pride in work.  But acknowledging the black and white thinking in this one instance led me to realize I do it in a lot of other areas, so I'm working on being mindful when I catch myself in these thought patterns and am working on changing them.

2.  Feelings=facts.  This is one I just recently discovered in the last few days, and I realized it's a huge source of the anxiety I feel.  For example, I cooked an elaborate Thanksgiving meal for my DH and I.  About the time the turkey was done, it seemed that there were 8 different things that needed to be accomplished all at the same time.  I became very overwhelmed, and my first reaction was to completely panic.  My thought pattern went something like this:  I have X things that have to be done right now and I cannot do them all in time (fact); therefore, Thanksgiving dinner is going to be completely ruined and I will fail (feeling).  Thankfully, I was able to recognize my mounting anxiety.  I asked my DH to finish the potatoes so I could finish the rest, and dinner came out perfectly.  From that experience, I've just started to work on identifying when I feel anxiety, taking a step back and evaluating the situation from a neutral standpoint, and then either doing what I need to do or ask for help to resolve the issue.  (I'm very new at this and have a long way to go to perfect the technique.)

3.  Perfectionism.  This is a huge one for me.  I have to be perfect, otherwise I am worthless.  I can beat myself up like Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield for something as simple as missing a typo in an email.  I struggle daily with feeling that it's only a matter of time before my boss realizes what a screw-up I am and regrets hiring me (I just started this job in Jan).  If I mess up a little bit on my diet, the whole thing goes out the window.  (Well, I just had a piece of chocolate that I shouldn't have, may as well dig into this family-sized bag of chips.)  I can't ever let on to anyone (other than DH) when something is wrong - whether I feel ill, or I'm short on money and have to dip into savings.  Everything has to appear perfect, with my perfect little smile on my face.  I don't have a plan - or even an idea yet - on how to address this (and yes, I often beat myself up for that, too...).  In my more rational moments, though, I feel that having identified the problem is enough for now, and as I become healthier, a solution (or solutions) will likely present itself.

4.  Feelings of worthlessness.  This ties into a lot of the other issues.  Pefectionism for one.  I must be perfect.  When I'm not, I'm not worth anything.  It also ties into the black and white thinking.  I'm not all good; therefore, I must be all bad.  I used to combat my feelings of worthlessness by being a ridiculous over-achiever.  As I get older, I simply don't have the energy to do all of these things I did in the past.  Going back to my first paragraph, all these achievements I used to do weren't making me feel any better anymore.  The things I did in the past were no longer working for me.

That's my list for now.  It's always changing as I identify new things that I feel I need to change.

[WhyAskWhy]

My biggest issues are:

Perfectionism, leading to self-sabotage: "I haven't done this perfectly/yet, so I must research the hell out of it so I get it right the first time and don't ever have to do it again".

If by chance I should have to do something over again, I feel as if I am a failure and perhaps should just give up right there on the spot.

Fear of abandonment/Fear of people seeing me as I am and becoming horrified and leaving forthwith.

Fear of not fitting in, anywhere, or with anyone.

I fear I have to be the one who takes care of everything at all times and get it right.  I have a hard time letting anyone else be 'in charge' (even if they are--let them get even one small thing wrong, and I feel as if I have to step in and 'fix' what ever is wrong and the rest of whatever is going on).  This leaves me with intense anxiety.

[blackandwhite]

I did find the schemas helpful.  ... Thinking about these domains, and talking about them with my T, I think, will be very helpful.

mommasa, I hope you'll keep posting about this work, here in this thread and in other threads if you wish. It would probably be helpful to you to keep track and for others to see and participate as well. 

For social anxiety - My T encouraged me to start going to a mom's group, which I have been doing, but dreading and feeling like an awkward moron the entire night.  So first - I will make myself keep going and second, the next time I go, I am going to try thinking that I am someone famous, and that no matter what I say or do, everyone there is just excited to spend time with me. 

That's hilarious--love it! I also love that your setting yourself small steps. And if you don't do everything "right" all the time, that's okay. Set some more small steps...

kelfink, you wrote:

I'm not entirely sure what my plan of action should be for these, but I think what I need to start doing right now is just being more aware of things

Terrific task to set yourself. Awareness is always the first challenge. How will you enhance your awareness? Will you make notes? If you would be willing, perhaps post about a moment of awareness when you have one?

Hi Sorting It.  Hi! You wrote:

I thought they were just my own issues that no one else had.

How does it feel to know you're actually part of a rather large club? I know that was a revelaton for me.  I like how you applied the schemas to the specific problem areas. I think you're right, that you'll find that a lot of the problem areas more or less rest on the schemas, and if you can start to shift the schemas, many of the problems will start to get better as well.

Not sure where to go with this, but I will bring it to my next T session, and figure out a plan.

Great idea! Also, on the catastrophic thinking (#7, "Exaggerated fear that imminent catastrophe will strike at any time and that one will be unable to prevent it") as a note of encouragement, this is one that I had as well and have been able to extinguish nearly completely through therapy and mindfulness exercises. HUGE relief!

Loveisfree, you wrote:

I am glad you posed that question because it made me realize that I had more power over the situation than I realized at the time.  I tend to sit with people like this and for some reason, feel like I have to wait it out because I agreed to do some activity with them, or I feel guilty or horrible about leaving. 

Really important realization there. So maybe in addition to the task of seeking out people who share your values ( ) there's also perhaps one of awareness for you too? Awareness that your limit has actually been reached (drinking in public and insulting people around you) and it's time to take action (politely excuse yourself would work)? It might be that next time you still don't act as early as you'd like, but your awareness is stronger. And the time after that, you act, but not as smoothly as you like. And the time after that, you act in the right way for you, in the right time. And the time after that, you're too busy spending time with people whose values you share and you never end up in the situation in the first place...or some longer variation on this theme. Doesn't need to happen all at once, but you're already getting started.

irishbear99, terrific (well you know what I mean!) list. I really like how you reframed your thinking about the organization when you realized you'd taken a black and white view. Do you have an example of when you've identifed black and white thinking in your life lately, as you've tried to be more mindful?

WhyAskWhy, those are tough ones.   Looks like we all have a lot in common, though.  Could you perhaps give an example of when you've felt a lot of anxiety and the urge to fix that you mention?

B&W

[irishbear99]

irishbear99, terrific (well you know what I mean!) list. I really like how you reframed your thinking about the organization when you realized you'd taken a black and white view. Do you have an example of when you've identifed black and white thinking in your life lately, as you've tried to be more mindful?

B&W,
This subject actually just came up when talking with my T yesterday.  I told her how painful it is for me to identify these fleas, even though I know I need to change them.  I told her that I'm terrified of being like my uBPDm, and I realized recently that - in my black and white thinking - I seem to think I'm either all like her or nothing like her.  Therefore, in my disordered thinking, having a flea (or having one thing like her) means I'm ALL like her.  I've been working on reframing my mindset.  When I find fleas, instead of panicking that I'm just like uBPDm, I tell myself that it's an opportunity to change, to do better than was done to me.  It's still hard, but choosing to think about it differently helps.

[blackandwhite]

When I find fleas, instead of panicking that I'm just like uBPDm, I tell myself that it's an opportunity to change, to do better than was done to me.  It's still hard, but choosing to think about it differently helps.

That's the key, irishbear. Good for you. It is hard. What's so hopeful though is that it can be done.

Here are some strategies for changing our thinking. As we're taking inventory, it is helpful to keep them in mind.

Anyone have an example of applying one of these (or another) method to work on an area in your inventory?

1. Identify The Distortion: Write down your negative thoughts so you can see which of the ten cognitive distortions you're involved in. This will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way.

2. Examine The Evidence: Instead of assuming that your negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could list several things you have done successfully.

3. The Double-Standard Method: Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.

4. The Experimental Technique: Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought. For example, if during an episode of panic, you become terrified that you're about to die of a heart attack, you could jog or run up and down several flights of stairs. This will prove that your heart is healthy and strong.

5. Thinking In Shades Of Grey: Although this method may sound drab, the effects can be illuminating. Instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, evaluate things on a scale of 0 to 100. When things don't work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure. See what you can learn from the situation.

6. The Survey Method: Ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. For example, if you feel that public speaking anxiety is abnormal and shameful, ask several friends if they ever felt nervous before they gave a talk.

7. Define Terms: When you label yourself 'inferior' or 'a fool' or 'a loser,' ask, "What is the definition of 'a fool'?" You will feel better when you realize that there is no such thing as 'a fool' or 'a loser.'

8. The Semantic Method: Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for 'should statements.' Instead of telling yourself, "I shouldn't have made that mistake," you can say, "It would be better if I hadn't made that mistake."

9. Re-attribution: Instead of automatically assuming that you are "bad" and blaming yourself entirely for a problem, think about the many factors that may have contributed to it. Focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty.

10. Cost-Benefit Analysis: List the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling (like getting angry when your plane is late), a negative thought (like "No matter how hard I try, I always screw up"), or a behavior pattern (like overeating and lying around in bed when you're depressed). You can also use the cost benefit analysis to modify a self-defeating belief such as, "I must always try to be perfect."

[Gowest]

I feel like this was actually my step one. I'd been working so hard on myself for ages before I found out WHY I needed so much work. The reason I went to therapy was because I identified a problem that didn't seem to have a solution. (My feelings for uBPDex - disconnection and rejection schema.) I expect a lot of that will come back and need to be worked through in more detail once I start having romantic relationships again. I've been in purgatory for over a year because I've always known I was leaving and when. The idea of a relationship with an expiry date disgusts me, I don't know if that's just abandonment issues or a natural way to react to the concept.

I still have some (lots of) over-vigilance and inhibition to work on too.

[Loveisfree]

Really important realization there. So maybe in addition to the task of seeking out people who share your values ( ) there's also perhaps one of awareness for you too? Awareness that your limit has actually been reached (drinking in public and insulting people around you) and it's time to take action (politely excuse yourself would work)? It might be that next time you still don't act as early as you'd like, but your awareness is stronger. And the time after that, you act, but not as smoothly as you like. And the time after that, you act in the right way for you, in the right time. And the time after that, you're too busy spending time with people whose values you share and you never end up in the situation in the first place...or some longer variation on this theme. Doesn't need to happen all at once, but you're already getting started.


B&W

Thanks so much for your insight B&W     I think I have known this all along, deep down, but never felt I could or that I was allowed to follow through (sounds crazy, I know )  I think it is something about not feeling I deserved to be treated respectfully or feeling like I have the right to stand up for myself and my values.  It does become easier though  

[Cordelia]

I loved the schemas.  That's really helpful stuff.  I was surprised to see that there's a whole category of disconnection and rejection and that I identified with all of those subcategories, to greater or lesser extents, while identifying with none of the impaired autonomy section.  In my family growing up it appeared to be a choice: either be dependent on mom, dominated by her, and unable to develop your own sense of self, or be rejected and shamed by her.  It seemed to me that I chose the latter, though looking at it this way it doesn't seem much of a choice.  It was either one "maladaptive schema" or another, either of which would be roughly equally destructive, albeit in different ways.  What wasn't possible no matter what was to be able to develop my own sense of self and be accepted, even appreciated, for it.  

[mommasa]

The one strategy I have used is Cost Benefit Analysis.  Because I am by nature pretty analytical - when I start feeling emotionally compelled to do X, Y, or Z (e.g., call BPDmom, let her see the grandkids, etc) - it has really helped for me to do a CBA with pros on one side and cons on the other.  Seeing in concrete terms how much I have to lose versus what is gained really helps me overcome the emotional, trained, and conditioned responses I ordinarily would have had.  In the future, I really want to try using:  Identify The Distortion, The Double-Standard Method, and Re-attribution because those all sound like tools that would be especially helpful for me!

[pikachu]

Mine:
1) constant negative assessments of myself, where I am in life, what's going wrong, where I went wrong to make things how they are now.

2) continually comparing myself with others and finding myself lacking. From the checkout clerk at the grocery store (who I think wouldn't be so surly if I were better dressed) to some random girl walking down the street (thinner/prettier) to colleagues (people who graduated at the same time as I did who are more successful) it just doesn't stop.

3) hair-pulling, i don't pull hair out of my head but i have the habit of inspecting for split ends and peeling them. It is like I start to think about my hair looking bad or not being washed then I have this need to "fix" it by pulling the split ends apart.

4) feeling like every decision has the potential to end in catastrophe rather than being a new start.

Some big ones.

[blackandwhite]

This discussion and the tools provided may be of use to those taking personal inventory. Please join in with an inventory of problem areas and see if the schemas described at http://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm ring a bell.

B&W

[UKannie]

Mine:
1) constant negative assessments of myself, where I am in life, what's going wrong, where I went wrong to make things how they are now.

2) continually comparing myself with others and finding myself lacking. From the checkout clerk at the grocery store (who I think wouldn't be so surly if I were better dressed) to some random girl walking down the street (thinner/prettier) to colleagues (people who graduated at the same time as I did who are more successful) it just doesn't stop.

3) hair-pulling, i don't pull hair out of my head but i have the habit of inspecting for split ends and peeling them. It is like I start to think about my hair looking bad or not being washed then I have this need to "fix" it by pulling the split ends apart.

4) feeling like every decision has the potential to end in catastrophe rather than being a new start.

pikachu I do all of these, except I take nail scissors to the split ends

1) and 2) are the most disruptive to my life
It's all about not liking ourselves. It helps to label those thoughts that way, it gives us a small amount of power over them. Although I don't think there is any easy way to get rid of those self-hating, self-defeating thoughts. Therapy is helping me a lot but slowly. That stuff comes from being bullied very, very badly for a very long time. It is a question of recovering, healing and attracting people into our lives who wouldn't dream of doing such a thing to another person.

I think feeling like 4) is something we learn to do to protect ourselves when we are young. I don't know about you but, in my family, often the worst did happen. I learned to prepare for and expect catastrophe  



 Annie

[Tightrope walker]

That stuff comes from being bullied very, very badly for a very long time.

I agree with Annie.  My father's (either or both uBPD and uNPD) I was never up to what he wanted.  Intellectually, noone was (he was married 3 times), but emotionally I fight that I will never measure up.  I then became a classic codependent for my D who is DBPD.
If I were to identify my areas:
Relationships with Others                         
    1. Worrying what others think:  I finally got the guts to write a letter to the editor.  When someone brings up my letter, my inner reaction
        is: "What did they think about me?"   
        I have acknowledged that some people won't agree, others will.  I have come along way, since the worry flies by, instead of taking up
        home in my head.
    2. Not trusting others:   I have a tough time relying on and trusting others.  I have had so much disappointment in my life, that I let
        myself believe that noone can be trusted.
    3. I too worry that I have done something to offend someone.   My sister-in-law has not called me back.  My head immediately went to
        "Did I do something wrong?".   I did not initially think she was busy.   I do not think about others being in the wrong. 
 Inner Emotions
    1. Jumping to conclusions.  I acknowledge that this a form of twisted thinking, but it is ingrained in me and a habit that I have been
        working on to break.  Quite often the conclusions were negative: both about me and others.
     2. Feeling inadequate:  I emotionally often feel that I do not measure up to others.  I have spent a lifetime building up the loved ones in
         my life, but just started to do the same for me.  I am also learning to have pride in who I am: what I have done and what I am doing.
     3. Becoming disappointed and then angry.  This seems to be a family trait: both my sister and mother suffer the same problem.  We
         expect life to become a "Norman Rockwell" moment if we do certain things or act a certain way.  Life being life, it rarely turns out
         to be what we built up that moment or relationship to be.  We then become disappointed and angry.  Sometimes we are terse and
         verbally lash out at someone.  Eventually we become depressed.   I have been in therapy and have come a long way in coping with
         this very issue.  But every once in awhile it raises its ugly head and I have to make sure I am coping with these feelings.
    4. Worrying about the unknown.  As the old commerical said "You've come along way baby", but I still once in a while have to put this
        feeling in check.
Skill Levels
    1. Enforcing  boundaries.  This is still a huge area for me.  I have made progress, but struggle with this on a daily basis.  I let others
       dump on me even when it is not healthy for me.
    2. Not Rescuing.  I have done this as a child.  I rescued my family members, my husband, my children, etc.   I have become more of
        a healthy person since working on this.  I still have to make sure that I don't slip into this mode since it has been so much of my
        identity for my life.  This has been a core issue and ties into the others areas so much.  I have learned to say no (without worrying
        what that person will think of me).  I have given others responsiblity for their own emotions and feelings (which means I have to trust
        them more).  By changing I have changed my life (which creates an unknown): this has sometimes created a pleasant surprise.

I think that growing up with a father and raising a child with BPD has affected me to the core of my being.  What I am trying to learn, is how to build this into a positive traits instead of listening to the "inner hurt child."  I think that I have an understanding of people that others do not have, since they have not been exposed to the same things I have been.  You can not truly understand what a mental illness is, until you live with someone who has it.
                                           Tightrope Walker

[shammick]

Hi,

What are the problem areas in my life that I need to work on?

1. self-esteem. I often lack confidence in who I am and my value as a person. I often feel as though my opinions, perspective, thoughts, desires are not as important as those of people around me.

2. fear. Related to #1. I lack courage to step beyond my comfort zone and make any kind of impact or have an effect on people around me. I often feel as though I am just 'along for the ride', and am afraid to reach out, afraid to challenge, afraid to correct. #1 and #2 together combine to make me very self-conscious. I question myself constantly, and it often doesn't take much for someone to convince me of something or change my mind. I feel weak-willed in response to others. I also want to please others inordinately, somehow to be the 'helper' or 'rescuer', dismissing or disregarding my real wants and desires.

3. loneliness/isolation. I find it difficult to be alone, yet I also find it difficult to truly engage and especially initiate relationships. When I am alone, I often feel an inordinate need to be connected with someone, there is a sense of emptiness I want someone else to fill in me.

4. detached. I am very detached from my own inner feelings. It's often difficult for me to even identify what I am feeling, whether joy or sadness, fear or hurt or anger. I have an emotion-damping mechanism somewhere in my soul that limits my ability to feel. Somewhere in my journey, I convinced myself that thinking and analysis was better and more important than feeling and emotion.

5. addictions. I feel drawn to unhealthy enmeshed relationships. I am prone to fantasizing about unhealthy relational and sexual relationships. Pornography and masturbation have been a problem in the past and I am still very vulnerable to this.

6. despair and depression. I have a tendency to be overly critical and judgmental, and can turn this inwards onto myself. I have a tendency to give up and become passive, and have had a major depressive episode in my life, from which I've recovered.

7. my relationship with my parents is a work in progress. my father, detached and distant my whole life, I feel I cannot communicate well with; my mother, also detached in her own way and unable to understand and engage me. I feel stuck in my relationship with them and not able to rise above the way I have always related to them, or better, not related to them. Though it is not bad necessarily, it is far from good.


I suppose those are my major 'problem areas' ...

Thanks for reading,


Sam

[qcarolr]

This discussion and the tools provided may be of use to those taking personal inventory. Please join in with an inventory of problem areas and see if the schemas described at http://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm ring a bell.

B&W

THere is so much information at this link. It was really interesting how several important people in my life and my perception of how each of us fit into the schema domains and the underlying schemas kept flowing through my mind as I read. And how we each interact from our relative position in each schema to either move us deeper into the maladaptive feeling/thinking/behaviors or toward more healthy r/s.  Very complex for me. I am unable to seperate myself from these others in processing this information. What does that have to say about where i fall in the 'scheme' of things?

The players include myself (bipolarII dx), my dh (general anxiety disorder dx) my DD25 (dx BPD, ADHD, bipolar, panic disorder), my mom (not dx with anything but not very available for me in my life), and my dad (who I felt very close to and am still really angry at God for taking away from me too soon, even tho I was 47 when he died due to heart failure). And then came little gd, now 6, into our custody and care, to be sheltered from the storm of DD's life. She is what pushes me to continue to put all this energy into healing myself and my family.

I also think we did some of this, dh and I, in family therapy back in 2003-2004 when DD was 17 and a senior in high school. Court ordered after dh pressed assault charges agianst her. Our intention was this would get her attention, get us some help, and make things better in our family. Didn't really turn out that way --BPD dx came when DD was 23. Some of the language seems familiar. Or could be some of the other therapies I have been involved with since 1989 when I was overcome by depression with this unmanageable DD3. Geez, I have been in recovery for so long already.

So what about my inventory? Time to put everyone else out of mind for a bit. Note to self: it is so very hard to keep DD out of my mind as I work through this - I can see her maladaptive schemas in every single category. Wonder how much is innate to her temperament and how my own maladpative schemas impacted her life. Have to breath and let go of the F.O.G. here.

Not sure if I am getting this right as I have not done the rest of the steps from the Coping Board. I am working at this from the schema therapy link.

Disconnection & Rejection:  I have been pretty successful in overcoming this area - not a strong adaption area for me as a child.

Impaired Automony & Performance: Enmeshment/undeveloped self - I see the impacts in my life of the statement "Often involves the belief that at least on of teh enmeshed individuals cannot survive or be happy without the constant support of the other." And I am the rescuer for dh, dd and now gd. The overwhelming guilt of my sense of failure in this regard was the trigger for many rages and self-destructive episodes during my life. Most esp. sad about the periods when DD was little and I was not emotionally there for her - still struggle with this guilt and it sure gets in the way of our r/s as adults now.

Impaired Limits: I see this as a very major area for DD, but not much for myself. If I had money, and she would agree to participate, I would get DD a schema T to come LIVE WITH HER.

Other-directedness: The general description of this seems to fit me, yet I do not see where in my FOO this came from. My lack of emotional support in FOO was very much under the radar. Too many kids and it was work to get noticed - even when I did really good. The ones that struggled got more attention. I think the 'Self-Sacrifice' schema fits pretty close from this category. I am definitely a rescurer.

Overvigilance & Inhibition: Negativity and pessimism -- lots of worry worry worry. This statment fits me well "Becasue potential negative outcomes are exagerated, these patients are frequently characterized by chronic worry, vigilance, complaining, or indecision."  Al four of these characteristics are things i am working on, and get lots and lots of comments about from my current family.  I also need to work on the 'emotional inhibition' part - all the areas listed.  THis is an area I think my dh needs to work on, though his sub-areas are the unrelenting standards/hypercriticalness and punitiveness.

GEEZ -- I still have a lot of work to do, huh.

qcr