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Think About It... A person with Borderline Personality Disorder often presents with a characteristic relationship pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings back and forth from one phase to the next. ~ Roger Melton, M.A..
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Author Topic: Workshop: Suppressed Anger  (Read 5739 times)
MindfulJavaJoe
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« on: December 06, 2011, 12:13:14 PM »


Suppressed Anger:

Background: Our parents, teachers, coaches, religious leaders and other authority figures in our early lives may give us a message that getting angry is a sign of immaturity and that it was wrong. Part of growing up and becoming an adult is learning to control ones anger. Many people learn to suppress their anger by internalising it.

In this workshop we are going to explore:

1. What is anger?
2. We will look at the damaged caused by internalising ones anger.
3. How suppressing your anger might allow the pwBPD in your life to control you?
4. We will show how anger should be seen as a positive and beneficial emotion.
5. Finally we are going to look to change and find new ways of dealing with anger in the future so we do not  repeat past mistakes.


So lets begin:

1. What is anger?

What is anger to you?
What does it signify?
What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?
How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?


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newworld
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« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2011, 01:23:47 PM »

GREAT TOPIC!

I am currently writing journal/never send letters to my person dealing with just this!  AMAZING TIMING!


What is anger to you?

1) unhealthy- an exaggerated response to many unidentified feelings that a person habitually can't sort out.  stuffed feelings at repeated assaults. Partially a biochemical response.

2) healthy- A response to a witnessed real injustice (A child being beaten)


What does it signify?

internal: something is wrong with how we are handeling ourselves

external: something is wrong with the situation (danger/injustice)


What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?

internal: helplessness (lacking skills to handle "good guy gas lighting"/ passive aggressive)

external: real injustice

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?

not acceptable.  Anger = there is something wrong with you that makes everyone hate you.

My parents both have PD's. mother is a passive aggressive, good guy gas lighter (see above) and projects her rage onto everyone and then when they explode, says 'my you are so ANGRY, why is that?"  

Father- overt rager overt verbal/some physical abuse.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

1. What is anger?
2. We will look at the damaged caused by internalising ones anger.
3. How suppressing your anger might allow the pwBPD in your life to control you?
4. We will show how anger should be seen as a positive and beneficial emotion.
5. Finally we are going to look to change and find new ways of dealing with anger in the future so we do not  repeat past mistakes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know I am damaging myself by internalizing my anger and enabling other people because of my fears.  I need help to change this.

I don;t feel controlled by other people because I supress anger. I feel it is my choice. I honestly tell myself to walk away because I am too afraid and lack the skills to confront. So I feel depressed because of the helplessness and fear that I can;t seem to shake.

despite my upbringing, I now feel anger is positive when it is healthy. I just wish I was healthy about it  

I really want to get through this stage and make my life better because I am in charge of it, not the fear.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2011, 01:37:21 PM by newworld » Logged

"We shall meet our reversals boldly. Boldly. Boldly" D Copperfield

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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2011, 07:32:17 PM »

OK, I will bite!  smiley

What is anger to you?

Just another human emotion that can be used righteously and unrighteously.

What does it signify?

It gives us an insight into what kind of state of mind we are in at the time we become angry. For example, a car cuts in front of me on the freeway, causing me to break suddenly. This occurs on two consecutive days. One day I might become very angry at the driver, but the next day I might give the driver the benefit of the doubt, i.e. he might not have seen me when he changed lanes.

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?

Injustice is the main trigger, same as newworld. I can be injustice towards myself or others. Another trigger is when the things that I hold highly, such as my integrity, is unfairly questioned.

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?

In my home growing up, both parents got angry often, mostly at each other. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother was domineering. My parents were completely hands off when it came to instructing me about emotional issues. I had low self-esteem as a young child and became quite passive. I never really developed a sense of righteous anger until I entered my teen years. Even still now, I have a tendency to keep anger bottled up, but I am working on that!
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« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2011, 08:13:48 PM »

What is anger to you?   An emotional response to a perceived injustice, something unacceptable, a time to take a stand.    

What does it signify? A tipping point.  It takes a *lot* to make me angry.  

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?  Abuse.  Physical or emotional abuse or abuse in any form of myself or others.  Particularly others.  

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?  Absolutely not at all.  I wasn't brought up to deal with feeling anything.  Whatever dealing I've done, I learned on my own. As for anger, I learned to fear it because of my parent's fighting, and the chaos that ensued.  I learned to hate confrontation and to be a peacekeeper.
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MindfulJavaJoe
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« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2011, 01:12:27 AM »

Neworld, WalrusGumboot and Mystic,

Great contributions and great honesty and openess.

I don't feel controlled by other people because I supress anger. I feel it is my choice. I honestly tell myself to walk away because I am too afraid and lack the skills to confront. So I feel depressed because of the helplessness and fear that I can't seem to shake.

Lacking the "skills to confront" and being afraid to express ones anger can lead to feeling of helplessness, fear and depression.

In my home growing up, both parents got angry often, mostly at each other. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother was domineering. My parents were completely hands off when it came to instructing me about emotional issues. I had low self-esteem as a young child and became quite passive. I never really developed a sense of righteous anger until I entered my teen years. Even still now, I have a tendency to keep anger bottled up, but I am working on that!

Thank you Walrus. It takes great courage to be open to these aspects of our "emotional self". If we do not allow ourselves to be open to our feeling then we can live a life devoid of feelings. When your feeling do not have a voice this can lead to having low self exteem and a passive demeener.


It takes a *lot* to make me angry.  

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?  Abuse.  Physical or emotional abuse or abuse in any form of myself or others.  Particularly others.  

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?  Absolutely not at all.  I wasn't brought up to deal with feeling anything.  Whatever dealing I've done, I learned on my own. As for anger, I learned to fear it because of my parent's fighting, and the chaos that ensued.  I learned to hate confrontation and to be a peacekeeper.

Mystic thank you for sharing  Doing the right thing  Empathy . We will touch on the consequences of not expressing out anger shortly.

There are definate messages that some of us received either directly or indirectly from our primary role models. These have produced patterns of behaviour in ourselves which we have carried from our childhood on throughout our lives.

We may even think of oursleves as being "A really nice person", "calm under pressure", "tollerant and forgiving" , a "good person". In modern society we tend not to talk about how we see ourselves but these internal descriptions can take on a life and ultimately define who we are.  



  
« Last Edit: December 07, 2011, 02:55:51 AM by MindfulJavaJoe » Logged

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« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2011, 05:18:36 AM »

What is anger to you? Anger is an intrinsic feeling influenced by nurture. My first image of true anger is not myself, but of my Father and his over use of aggressiveness and dominance in physical and emotional abuse.

What does it signify? That someone has been wronged, yet being wronged is subjective without hard lines to establish what is the same between individuals. When I am wronged I am angry, but perceptions (especially with BPDs) are distorted so my perceptions were trying to be determined "wrong" for me.

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you? Inconsistency, betrayal, broken promises, lack of respect, the use of aggression on entities that cannot defend themselves.
 
How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry? As a child I probably got it slapped out of me, sent to my room for having that feeling, caused shame for having it, or ignored or broken up with by my BPD x for telling her how I felt at the time. 
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2011, 08:30:04 AM »

As for anger, I learned to fear it because of my parent's fighting, and the chaos that ensued.  I learned to hate confrontation and to be a peacekeeper.

Mystic, I hadn't really thought about this. It seemed like you endured what I did. Almost every night my father was drunk, and almost every night my mother chewed him out for being drunk, telling him to get out. I still remember lying in my bed, hearing them argue. This one night was bad. My father was drunk and came home from playing poker and lost a bunch of money. This was the first time I heard the D word coming out of her mouth. I had a lot of fear from that point forward that they would divorce. I wonder if this all was the root of my conflict avoidance issues as I grew up.

Thanks for pointing this out.
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« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2011, 10:16:06 AM »


What is anger to you?
It's often the echo of a past emotional trauma, a reaction when faced with a new "offence" that resonants with the old, unhealed or unprocessed trauma.

What does it signify?
For me, a scream for validation, a fight to know my self-worth. An expression of frustration that needs are not being met.

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?
Again, mostly frustration - at trying and failing to manage the outcome of someone's emotional response or lack of, as if it has something to do with my self-worth.

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?
I think there was self-imposed shame attached to it and suppression. There was so much chaos in the home it never even occurred to me to bother the adults with how I felt. I figured they had enough to deal with. wow Walrus, that rings true: "My parents were completely hands off when it came to instructing me about emotional issues."
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« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2011, 12:20:09 PM »


What is anger to you?
It's often the echo of a past emotional trauma, a reaction when faced with a new "offence" that resonants with the old, unhealed or unprocessed trauma.




 wow Walrus, that rings true: "My parents were completely hands off when it came to instructing me about emotional issues."

1) oohhhhhh I love this way of saying it. You it put into words the way I couldn't. thank you.

2) I am with you and  walrus on this one.
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"We shall meet our reversals boldly. Boldly. Boldly" D Copperfield

"Ouchtown! Population you Bro!" Pepper Brooks, Dodgeball

"The fear of loss is a path to the darkside." Yoda
seeking balance
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« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2011, 12:25:37 PM »

What is anger to you? What does it signify?
Deep, core hurt rooted in a feeling of “not being enough”

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?
Unfairness, feeling unheard, feeling disrespected, holding me to different standards than someone holds themselves to, changing the rules.


How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?
I was taught to not feel it; that it is not real.  This resulted in me ignoring it until I imploded.  Now, I feel it, cry, work out – but definitely acknowledge it.

good thread MJJ
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