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Author Topic: Workshop: Suppressed Anger  (Read 4111 times)
MindfulJavaJoe
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« on: December 06, 2011, 12:13:14 PM »


Suppressed Anger:

Background: Our parents, teachers, coaches, religious leaders and other authority figures in our early lives may give us a message that getting angry is a sign of immaturity and that it was wrong. Part of growing up and becoming an adult is learning to control ones anger. Many people learn to suppress their anger by internalising it.

In this workshop we are going to explore:

1. What is anger?
2. We will look at the damaged caused by internalising ones anger.
3. How suppressing your anger might allow the pwBPD in your life to control you?
4. We will show how anger should be seen as a positive and beneficial emotion.
5. Finally we are going to look to change and find new ways of dealing with anger in the future so we do not  repeat past mistakes.


So lets begin:

1. What is anger?

What is anger to you?
What does it signify?
What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?
How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?


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« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2011, 01:23:47 PM »

GREAT TOPIC!

I am currently writing journal/never send letters to my person dealing with just this!  AMAZING TIMING!


What is anger to you?

1) unhealthy- an exaggerated response to many unidentified feelings that a person habitually can't sort out.  stuffed feelings at repeated assaults. Partially a biochemical response.

2) healthy- A response to a witnessed real injustice (A child being beaten)


What does it signify?

internal: something is wrong with how we are handeling ourselves

external: something is wrong with the situation (danger/injustice)


What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?

internal: helplessness (lacking skills to handle "good guy gas lighting"/ passive aggressive)

external: real injustice

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?

not acceptable.  Anger = there is something wrong with you that makes everyone hate you.

My parents both have PD's. mother is a passive aggressive, good guy gas lighter (see above) and projects her rage onto everyone and then when they explode, says 'my you are so ANGRY, why is that?"  

Father- overt rager overt verbal/some physical abuse.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

1. What is anger?
2. We will look at the damaged caused by internalising ones anger.
3. How suppressing your anger might allow the pwBPD in your life to control you?
4. We will show how anger should be seen as a positive and beneficial emotion.
5. Finally we are going to look to change and find new ways of dealing with anger in the future so we do not  repeat past mistakes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know I am damaging myself by internalizing my anger and enabling other people because of my fears.  I need help to change this.

I don;t feel controlled by other people because I supress anger. I feel it is my choice. I honestly tell myself to walk away because I am too afraid and lack the skills to confront. So I feel depressed because of the helplessness and fear that I can;t seem to shake.

despite my upbringing, I now feel anger is positive when it is healthy. I just wish I was healthy about it  

I really want to get through this stage and make my life better because I am in charge of it, not the fear.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2011, 01:37:21 PM by newworld » Logged

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« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2011, 07:32:17 PM »

OK, I will bite!  smiley

What is anger to you?

Just another human emotion that can be used righteously and unrighteously.

What does it signify?

It gives us an insight into what kind of state of mind we are in at the time we become angry. For example, a car cuts in front of me on the freeway, causing me to break suddenly. This occurs on two consecutive days. One day I might become very angry at the driver, but the next day I might give the driver the benefit of the doubt, i.e. he might not have seen me when he changed lanes.

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?

Injustice is the main trigger, same as newworld. I can be injustice towards myself or others. Another trigger is when the things that I hold highly, such as my integrity, is unfairly questioned.

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?

In my home growing up, both parents got angry often, mostly at each other. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother was domineering. My parents were completely hands off when it came to instructing me about emotional issues. I had low self-esteem as a young child and became quite passive. I never really developed a sense of righteous anger until I entered my teen years. Even still now, I have a tendency to keep anger bottled up, but I am working on that!
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« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2011, 08:13:48 PM »

What is anger to you?   An emotional response to a perceived injustice, something unacceptable, a time to take a stand.    

What does it signify? A tipping point.  It takes a *lot* to make me angry.  

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?  Abuse.  Physical or emotional abuse or abuse in any form of myself or others.  Particularly others.  

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?  Absolutely not at all.  I wasn't brought up to deal with feeling anything.  Whatever dealing I've done, I learned on my own. As for anger, I learned to fear it because of my parent's fighting, and the chaos that ensued.  I learned to hate confrontation and to be a peacekeeper.
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« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2011, 01:12:27 AM »

Neworld, WalrusGumboot and Mystic,

Great contributions and great honesty and openess.

I don't feel controlled by other people because I supress anger. I feel it is my choice. I honestly tell myself to walk away because I am too afraid and lack the skills to confront. So I feel depressed because of the helplessness and fear that I can't seem to shake.

Lacking the "skills to confront" and being afraid to express ones anger can lead to feeling of helplessness, fear and depression.

In my home growing up, both parents got angry often, mostly at each other. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother was domineering. My parents were completely hands off when it came to instructing me about emotional issues. I had low self-esteem as a young child and became quite passive. I never really developed a sense of righteous anger until I entered my teen years. Even still now, I have a tendency to keep anger bottled up, but I am working on that!

Thank you Walrus. It takes great courage to be open to these aspects of our "emotional self". If we do not allow ourselves to be open to our feeling then we can live a life devoid of feelings. When your feeling do not have a voice this can lead to having low self exteem and a passive demeener.


It takes a *lot* to make me angry.  

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?  Abuse.  Physical or emotional abuse or abuse in any form of myself or others.  Particularly others.  

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?  Absolutely not at all.  I wasn't brought up to deal with feeling anything.  Whatever dealing I've done, I learned on my own. As for anger, I learned to fear it because of my parent's fighting, and the chaos that ensued.  I learned to hate confrontation and to be a peacekeeper.

Mystic thank you for sharing  Doing the right thing  Empathy . We will touch on the consequences of not expressing out anger shortly.

There are definate messages that some of us received either directly or indirectly from our primary role models. These have produced patterns of behaviour in ourselves which we have carried from our childhood on throughout our lives.

We may even think of oursleves as being "A really nice person", "calm under pressure", "tollerant and forgiving" , a "good person". In modern society we tend not to talk about how we see ourselves but these internal descriptions can take on a life and ultimately define who we are.  



  
« Last Edit: December 07, 2011, 02:55:51 AM by MindfulJavaJoe » Logged

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« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2011, 05:18:36 AM »

What is anger to you? Anger is an intrinsic feeling influenced by nurture. My first image of true anger is not myself, but of my Father and his over use of aggressiveness and dominance in physical and emotional abuse.

What does it signify? That someone has been wronged, yet being wronged is subjective without hard lines to establish what is the same between individuals. When I am wronged I am angry, but perceptions (especially with BPDs) are distorted so my perceptions were trying to be determined "wrong" for me.

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you? Inconsistency, betrayal, broken promises, lack of respect, the use of aggression on entities that cannot defend themselves.
 
How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry? As a child I probably got it slapped out of me, sent to my room for having that feeling, caused shame for having it, or ignored or broken up with by my BPD x for telling her how I felt at the time. 
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« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2011, 08:30:04 AM »

As for anger, I learned to fear it because of my parent's fighting, and the chaos that ensued.  I learned to hate confrontation and to be a peacekeeper.

Mystic, I hadn't really thought about this. It seemed like you endured what I did. Almost every night my father was drunk, and almost every night my mother chewed him out for being drunk, telling him to get out. I still remember lying in my bed, hearing them argue. This one night was bad. My father was drunk and came home from playing poker and lost a bunch of money. This was the first time I heard the D word coming out of her mouth. I had a lot of fear from that point forward that they would divorce. I wonder if this all was the root of my conflict avoidance issues as I grew up.

Thanks for pointing this out.
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« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2011, 10:16:06 AM »


What is anger to you?
It's often the echo of a past emotional trauma, a reaction when faced with a new "offence" that resonants with the old, unhealed or unprocessed trauma.

What does it signify?
For me, a scream for validation, a fight to know my self-worth. An expression of frustration that needs are not being met.

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?
Again, mostly frustration - at trying and failing to manage the outcome of someone's emotional response or lack of, as if it has something to do with my self-worth.

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?
I think there was self-imposed shame attached to it and suppression. There was so much chaos in the home it never even occurred to me to bother the adults with how I felt. I figured they had enough to deal with. wow Walrus, that rings true: "My parents were completely hands off when it came to instructing me about emotional issues."
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« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2011, 12:20:09 PM »


What is anger to you?
It's often the echo of a past emotional trauma, a reaction when faced with a new "offence" that resonants with the old, unhealed or unprocessed trauma.




 wow Walrus, that rings true: "My parents were completely hands off when it came to instructing me about emotional issues."

1) oooohhhhhh I love this way of saying it. You it put into words the way I couldn't. thank you.

2) I am with you and  walrus on this one.
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« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2011, 12:25:37 PM »

What is anger to you? What does it signify?
Deep, core hurt rooted in a feeling of “not being enough”

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?
Unfairness, feeling unheard, feeling disrespected, holding me to different standards than someone holds themselves to, changing the rules.


How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?
I was taught to not feel it; that it is not real.  This resulted in me ignoring it until I imploded.  Now, I feel it, cry, work out – but definitely acknowledge it.

good thread MJJ
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« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2011, 03:09:55 PM »

What is anger to you?

Now it means that i've had a boundary violated...even if i haven't worked out how yet! To me it signifies a desperate attempt for me to claw back some control/personal power and have needs of my own.

What triggers feelings of anger inside you
realising someone being playing mind games and " catch 22". people being passive aggressive

Have you been brought u to deal with anger?

 cheesy that is a trick question? No, not only was i not brought up to deal with it, i was brought up to deny i was angry (as that would mean protecting myself and my boundaries) and to deny that anger existed, esp as uBPD/NPDm was extremly passive aggressive all the while with smile on her a face denying she was angry...
So i was shown not to identify, or "own" my anger
At the momment i am finding as i become emotionally more healthy, have a stronger sense of self, self worth and boundaries...my anger is coming to the front! This workshop is excellent timing, thanks
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« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2011, 11:58:45 PM »

okay. im not sure how much i have to say about some of this, but i want to try.

what is anger to me? a nagging feeling. a certain helplessness and annoyance. perhaps revenge fantasies, or not so much "revenge" but either justice, or the other person seeing the error of their ways. often a fair amount of devaluing who im angry at.

what does it signify? well, it tends to signify either hurt feelings, or frustrated feelings. i am not by nature an angry person at all...so i tend to believe my anger is usually righteous. therefore it signifies that i may have been treated unfairly, or allowed myself to be treated unfairly, or even treated myself unfairly, but like newworld said, that something is wrong with the situation.

what triggers a feeling of anger in me? injustice. devaluing of me. "unfair" treatment. being told what to do, when its unsolicited or unwanted, or wrong. being taken advantage of. not so much being treated like im stupid, but someone acting as if i don't already know common sense. being lied to. being forgotten. being taken for granted. double standards. invasion of my privacy or personal space. stupidity or naivety in others (this could be toned down a bit). being invalidated, especially when i know that my feelings are righteous. frustration in general, with anything, even inanimate objects.

how was i brought up to deal with anger? well, unlike most here, i have no complaints about my child hood. my parents weren't perfect, but im hard pressed to complain. i think i was well educated in general on pretty much everything...feelings, religion, sex, relationships, etc. i was certainly taught to control my anger, but i was taught that anger can be righteous, and is a normal reaction and feeling.

however. my dad can have a bit of a temper. i have gone back and forth on whether or not he is personality disordered. most days im pretty sure of it. it's definitely not BPD or NPD, though, and i have no complaints about how he raised me. i was spanked as a child. my dad says that a lot of the time that this happened, it was a result of him losing his temper, and perhaps going too far. maybe so, but not to the point of damage, or even resentment. but my parents have kind of written off spanking, as they feel its way too easy to let your emotions get the best of you.

my dad has "raged", much like a borderline. far less as he's gotten older. and yes, he will get silly furious at inanimate objects. incredibly frustrated. i think i inherited that, to some extent. i displayed it more when i was younger. most of my memories are of video games. i would get intensely frustrated, and, threaten my games that i was going to break them  lol i even recall taking a baseball bat to a playstation controller.

however in 6th grade i did something that to this day im ashamed of, as a result of letting my anger/temper get the best of me. that taught me a lesson i will never forget.

as a result, i've learned to control my anger. MAYBE stifle it? sometimes im not sure. i'll get pissed off at an inanimate object, but you wont see me taking a baseball bat to it. there have been a few situations though, that have caused me to wonder with great curiosity, "where on earth is my anger?"

i wondered, after i learned about BPD, why it wasn't more present. why my straw never snapped during my relationship. for the entirety of it, i was always waiting for it to, and it never did, no matter what. i'd draw a line, and once crossed, move it back a bit. now, ive learned a fair amount about limerence...however its spelled. so i know i was being flooded with all kinds of irrational. i didn't know why i couldn't be DONE with this person who had just turned my life upside down. even after she stole from me. i HATE thieves. theft is one immoral act that i place more significance than normal on. that sense of entitlement just drives me insane. yes of course i was FURIOUS when i found out she'd stolen from me. and i wanted revenge/justice. but by the end of the night, i was crying like a baby, feeling betrayed.

there was very little feeling at all about the suspicion that she cheated on me. maybe its because it was after the fact, and i had no absolute concrete proof, i just knew. there still isn't. maybe it's just radical acceptance. i see it as just one of many borderline actions. not anything wrong with me.

i also wondered why i was obsessively wondering what she was doing/up to when before, i'd be THRILLED to have her out of my hair. so i followed the advice of others, and started the ol' list. it wasn't really a list though. i started writing to myself. reminding myself. coaching myself. "remember how she did this? remember how you felt?" i really conjured that anger, and felt it. and by the time i was done, i didn't give a damn what she was up to. she was off the pedestal for good.

i lost my temper many times in the relationship. took a hammer to a cd. punched a hole in the wall. other things, im sure. i have a hard time blaming myself for this. only my dad has ever pushed me to that kind of anger. i know that it was righteous, i know what i was dealing with, and i know i lost my temper, but i readily forgive myself for it and i understand why.

so i think overall i was taught the right things about anger, and i feel it fairly healthily. i just wonder at times, if perhaps in 6th grade, i learned to stifle it to SOME extent. i used to be far more confrontational than i am now. im working on a balance. i've always known about and practiced boundaries, but after this relationship, i know i have work to do, and im trying to do it, no matter who it is.

as for the remaining thoughts/questions:

i know the damage caused by internalizing ones anger, and i don't believe thats going on in me.

i don't know that anger should be actively encouraged, and it certainly shouldn't take over you, and it ought to be worked through, but i have to say "angry" is the best i've felt in the aftermath of my relationship. i've encouraged other members to find their anger and feel it, especially when it doesn't seem present enough. so, i would absolutely, if counseling someone else in my situation, tell them "get angry". it feels better than feeling sad, and its righteous. the sadness may be overboard anyway.

there is no borderline in my life, so no borderline controls me. i never suppressed my anger toward her. if pressed hard enough, i'd explode.

i guess there is one lesson i've learned. it's not so much how to better deal with my anger. i think i have a pretty good grip on that. sure i'll probably explode again some day, but only if pushed to. but the lesson i've learned is that perhaps if someone does this to me, they probably should not be in my life. i haven't changed my mind about forgiveness at all, and im still not one to boot people out of my life. but hopefully if i've learned anything, i have learned NOT to allow someone to repeatedly wrong me like i was wronged. to keep hard, firm lines and boundaries, and enforce them. not to allow myself to be abused...even though i didn't think i did. you push on my boundaries, you get cut off until you can show me you respect them.
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« Reply #12 on: December 08, 2011, 01:49:50 AM »

What is anger to you?
An internal sign that my boundaries have been violated.
What does it signify?
That I need to pay attention to what has been violated, figure out if my anger is from old tapes of FOO or the current situation. Anger signifies I need to protect myself in some way because I feel angry. Protection takes different forms depending on the circumstance.
What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?
When someone violates my boundaries, such as verbal, mental, or emotional abuse.
How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?

I was taught to swallow my anger and was beaten for expressing anger-hence, never was good at confrontation unless totally p/o'd. I am not proud of this fact, hurt me in the long run as I was a door mat due to having been raised to believe that anger was wrong and weak. Unless my parents were angry, then they were allowed to beat or torture me. My father once burned my hands on a stove because he was angry I was biting my nails. Sick. That's the kind of whacko way I was taught to handle anger. So when I was angry I would repress anger until boiling over and then BOOM explode or freeze. I am much more intentional about  expressing my anger and find constructive ways to handle it or leave until I feel ready to confront. I hated being angry..now I realize anger is a healthy emotion, its there to protect me and I need to listen to my feelings of anger. It's like the other emotions, has its place and purpose and makes life interesting. When the break up happened with expwBPD.NPDbf, whew was I angry due to his mental abuse of me. It brought up the repressed rage I had toward my father. Learning to handle that rage in a productive manner and process it was difficult and is one of the reasons I have NO desire to speak to the ex, ever again. I am no longer angry with him, just realize some folks are cruel and need to be avoided. THAT'S the beauty of anger..I have learned to walk the other direction when bullies
walk my way..because my anger rises and tells me "leave" Doing the right thing
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« Reply #13 on: December 08, 2011, 03:56:38 AM »

What is anger for me:
In a milder form it follows not to declare my boundaries. Instead of saying: I really dont like this, could you please stop this, I react angry, but is sort of indirect, or even directed to the false person.
Stronger form: I have communicated a personal boundary, but it will be not accepted, so it cames a very direct and strong reaction.

What does it signify
I have to think about my needs. Did I express them clearly?

What triggers me
Injustice, being critisized unfair, people speaking always or interrupt my words constantly,

Brought to deal with this?
No, from my father I learned to swollow anger. Sort of silent swollowed anger. My mother (bipolar) could express anger, but for reasons I found very strange. She got angry that I colour my hair slightly different or something like this.

If i really get angry, I feel first very bad. It is not easy for me.
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« Reply #14 on: December 08, 2011, 07:24:59 AM »

Great thread.

What is anger? For me, anger is first and foremost one of the "big three" of feelings that were not allowed in my childhood home - the others being impatience and sadness. My sister and I were taught - directly and indirectly - that expressing any of these three feelings equalled being weak, immature and childish. Ironically, my mother never seemed to think that it is quite customary for children to be childish... rolleyes

As a child, I was first and foremost taught to endure. Not to flinch at anything that life threw at me. To keep a straight face no matter what. That bottling up my feelings was the only correct thing to do.
When my father died, my mother told me not to cry at his funeral - that it would be perceived as weak and bring shame upon her as a mother. I was 12 at the time, but it was not until I was 30 I thought about how sick and disturbing it was to say this to a child that has just lost her parent.

Anger to me is directly related to shame. I am still struggling very much to express "negative" feelings such as anger, grief and sadness to other people, as it still instantly triggers a feeling of shame in me.
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« Reply #15 on: December 08, 2011, 09:46:05 AM »

I'm going to try to answer without reading anyone else's answers first.  What is anger to you?
This is actually kinda hard to answer.  I don't really know - its an emotion I feel, but have  hard time expressing.  I don't feel comfortable saying I am angry, and think I hover around irritated, upset, and frustrated, usually.  Anger to me is when you lose control and stop restraining your reactions to things.

What does it signify?
Signify?  That the veneer of civility has been removed, that mean, hurtful things will probably be said.  That there is a problem to 'fix'.  Anger in others is time for me to go into preservation mode, and prepare for fight or flight.  It often seems anger results in a lot of counter productive activity.

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?
A feeling injustice, things not being fair, and being accused of things I didn't think, say or do.  Also mistreatment of people I care about makes me angry.  It's often far easier to admit and feel anger for the plight of others than myself.

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?
I was brought up to deal with my parents' anger, but not to express my own.  That was being bad.  Any display of being upset, from sulking to crying got a face slap at best and a whipping for being bad at worst, in addition to being told how I was bad.  I saw Dad deal with anger by yelling, screaming, hurting me and Mom, and then getting into a silent rage and staying there, sometimes sitting in the dark for days.  Mom would pick fights when upset, so she could ahve someone to yell at and a reason to do so.

Even as I got older and managed to find friends in high school, I still walked in the patterned Id learned from my parents, and so when I WAS angry about things, my friends didn't want to hear it.  I'd established I was happy-go-lucky and no one wanted to see me act any different - I was supposed to cheer them up, not the other way around (no long have these 'friends').

I knew things weren't 'fair' in my household, and I caught myself in a fit of rage one day as a 10 year old tossing a doll into a wall (I'd been tossed into a wall not too long before).  The minute she fell I sat, horrified, realizing I'd just done what had been done to me, and felt so bad, so guilty, that I swore to not let myself act that way again.  So I developed other things to do, usually some form of mild self-punishment for myself when I was angry or upset and wanted to not feel that way - nothing big - I was never a cutter, but I'd bite my cheek until I got control, hit myself in the forehead or dig my nails into my palms.  This was how I stopped crying at school in front of bullies, quietly hurting myself so they'd not get their jollies and stop hurting me more.

I found this site after going LC with my BPD mom again, and realizing that I wasn't really SAD about it, but ANGRY.  I didn't know why, if this meant I was crazy or if it was in any way normal to feel that way, and I didnt' want it to affect my life with people I know but being rude and irritable to them because I couldn't channel my rage at my mom and dad's disease.  I've found that writing helps me a lot (but for privacy violation reasons will never keep a traditional journal again), and gets the 'angries' out, as well as sadness and depression.  When I am alone, sometimes if there is a need, I allow myself to cry and voice out loud my feelings as a release.  Sometimes getting the initial burst of emotion out like this makes it easier to actually talk about, later, now that the teapot isn't boiling over. 
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« Reply #16 on: December 08, 2011, 10:29:47 AM »

This is a great workshop, MJJ!  I'll answer, then tell my story at the end about how I met and dealt with anger for the first time.

What is anger to you? It was a scary thing to SEE people feel, because they acted it out on to others (uNPD sister, BPD STBX H).  I NEVER recognized a feeling of anger in myself until March, 2011.  I felt a sense of unfairness or unhappiness, but never anger.

What does it signify? Now, a disrespect of me or my boundaries or personhood.  Before, I couldn't answer this because I did not/could not feel anger.

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you? Mostly unfairness, injustice, and people who say, "That's not my job/concern/problem."

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry? Nobody TOLD me that anger was not okay, but I only ever saw anger acted out inappropriately- mostly in hurtful words or rages or physically- throwing things, destroying property, etc.  I had NO tools in my toolbox to "fix" or deal with or even recognize anger in myself. 

Within the first month or so of leaving my STBXH, I went to a counselor.  The first visit was pretty much just me crying and telling her my story and her telling me I was doing the right thing.  The second visit, I took an 8 page letter from my H that was full of B.S.- how sorry he was (so generally, nothing specific) and how he could see now that he needed to change and/or get help, asking me why I was "doing this" to him, etc, etc, etc.  The counselor read the letter and then advised that I put it away for a few weeks, since I was so upset, and then re-read it, with an open mind, and see if I didn't see it differently- how he was genuinely sorry and wanted to work on our marriage.  shocked

I was so stunned that I didn't say much after that.  The session ended and I got in my car to go back to work.  Tears began running down my face and I did not know why, since I didn't feel sad.  I tried to guess why I was crying and it came to me like a bolt of lightening-- I AM ANGRY!

Who was this person to try to give me marriage advice when I just left an abusive, mentally ill man after spending 20 years in hell?  She obviously did not hear me or get what I was saying during either session!  Why would someone tell a person to re-read something that was so trite and generic and full of "poor me," when I had TOLD her how horrible it was to live with his rage/silence patterns?

Ooooooooo!  I was SO mad!  I called the office and told them I was too upset to come back.  I did not like feeling angry, but recognized that it was righteous indignation and just knew that I needed a physical outlet for it.  I drove straight to Walmart and bought a punching bag and gloves and went to the apartment I was staying at and set it up.  Blasted some music and punched that thing, tears streaming down, for 35 minutes or so, until I was sweaty and tired and no longer crying.

Since then, I have felt angry from time to time.  It feels uncomfortable still, but I allow myself to feel it, learn where it came from, and then release it through boxing or some other physical activity.  It feels good to process and express anger, or any other emotion, in a healthy and responsible manner!  Turns out that my S and H were simply out-of-control and mentally unwell and frightened me so much that anger looked wrong to me.

 Man hug  to all- (esp. SB cool),
JDoe
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"Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?"  is. 43:19
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« Reply #17 on: December 08, 2011, 01:56:12 PM »

What is anger to you?

Anger to me is a scary emotions ,a sense of out of control.Not being in my comfort zone.

What does it signify?

Loss of control & not being able to think straight.Breaks my gentleness inside me,prevents me from looking at a situation rationally or calmly.To me getting anger represents danger to me,it gives me a hugh sense of loss.I do not want to be disliked by whom or what I get angry at.

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?

Someone trying to force there opinion or view point on me.Not being heard when trying to deal with situations.Living with the one I loved to bits & having to stay quiet for fear of misdirected anger at her.Stress is one of the biggest triggers for me.

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?

When I was young & growing up in my home, my father was a very aggressive & angry man.He was always sick & died of cancer when I was 10 years old.I was so lost for many years with no father,I used to feel so sad & cried when I drank beer.My mother was totally the opposite she was very gentle & never drank un-like my dad.I was the youngest of seven & felt like I was bullied by older siblings.I used to think if I fell of the earth no one would miss me.When I got angry I suppressed it & did not know how to deal with it.Then I discovered alcohol & this sent me on a rollercoaster of emotions up till I found sobriety at 35 years.Funny when I was young I just made my way through with no real guidance.God bless my mother she worked so hard to feed & clothe us.I know how she made so many sacrifices for us.I think this is how I went up into my head & never knew how to get in touch with anger or my feelings.

I hope I have made some sense in what I wrote ?
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« Reply #18 on: December 08, 2011, 01:58:39 PM »

Anger is liberating!  It brings validation to an important feeling and should not be ignored.  It is not revenge and should not be used to hurt anyone.  It should also have an "expiration date" and eventually needs to released in the form of forgiveness...to yourself and others.  If left surpressed, anger will manifest itself one way or another, either emotionally or physically.  Give yourself permission to be angry without feeling guilty.  

I was often told by my ex to "get over" my anger evidently so that I could get back to the business of taking care of him.  Blah.  We are conditioned to downplay our anger by BPD partners because, hey, we are their mirror right?  They want to be happy, happy, happy.  

Hello...if we had gotten angry at the first sign of abuse from them...we wouldn't be posting on this board.

Annie Marie
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« Reply #19 on: December 08, 2011, 06:33:58 PM »

What is anger to you?

An alien emotion if I'm honest. I don't experience it very much but I do understand it.  I'm not comfortable with anger at all and it takes a great deal to get me angry.

What does it signify?
I think a very individual and uncontrollable reaction to something beyond unreasonable/unacceptable.

What triggers a feeling of anger inside you?
Very little. There will be stages of frustration, confusion etc before that.. If anyone ever hurt anyone I care about that would be an instant trigger. Injustice or dishonestly is a trigger, I wrote in a recent thread that I was incensed at a recent email from the ex so I'd have to add raw emotion to that.. Having my buttons pressed.

How have you been brought up to deal with feeling angry?
I don't really know if I've been brought up the right way, what's my reference?
It takes an awful, awful lot to get me angry and I'm not even sure that's healthy, I've never, ever completely lost it. My father was a big believer in corporal punishment, my (alcoholic) mother would lament about how she couldn't protect us. I was introduced to fighting sports from a very, very young age so maybe I've learned to control/reframe my anger from the start.
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