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[Think About It....]

    I haven't posted on this board in a while.  It's sort of been "all quiet on the western front" as PD'ed exH sort of faded into the woodwork for a few months.

    Recap: back in January, we had a frantic phone call from his wife, telling my D16 (at the time, now she's 17) that her dad was suicidal, and she wanted my D to go out with her at almost midnight on a Sat looking for him.  I said NO WAY.  Step-mom told me on the phone that my exH has a very dark side (or words to that effect).  My thoughts: she's finally seeing the other side of him.

    Fast forward to present: the whole "suicidal" episode dissipated/was never mentioned again.  D sees her dad for a couple of hours every other week or so.

    Around summertime or so, he told D that he and his wife were probably going to divorce.  That hasn't been mentioned again, either.  They are still together, although D has not seen her stepmom in probably almost two years.  (They live 1/2 mile from us, but D has never seen the inside of this latest apartment.)

    Stepmom has a D also, college age, who moved out when she went away to college and hasn't been back with my exH and wife since.  Word is she is living with an aunt when she is not at school.

    Anyway, to the point of this post: my D and I were talking about her dad, and the stepsister was mentioned.  According to my D, the stepsister moved out because she is a "spoiled brat who wasn't getting everything she wanted."  I challenged this viewpoint with my D, to no avail.  Apparently, she accepts whatever her dad and stepmom tell her without questioning its merits.

    Could she be in any more denial?  The degree of it worries me.

   

[Kattgirl]

    I haven't posted on this board in a while.  It's sort of been "all quiet on the western front" as PD'ed exH sort of faded into the woodwork for a few months.

    Recap: back in January, we had a frantic phone call from his wife, telling my D16 (at the time, now she's 17) that her dad was suicidal, and she wanted my D to go out with her at almost midnight on a Sat looking for him.  I said NO WAY.  Step-mom told me on the phone that my exH has a very dark side (or words to that effect).  My thoughts: she's finally seeing the other side of him.

    Fast forward to present: the whole "suicidal" episode dissipated/was never mentioned again.  D sees her dad for a couple of hours every other week or so.

    Around summertime or so, he told D that he and his wife were probably going to divorce.  That hasn't been mentioned again, either.  They are still together, although D has not seen her stepmom in probably almost two years.  (They live 1/2 mile from us, but D has never seen the inside of this latest apartment.)

    Stepmom has a D also, college age, who moved out when she went away to college and hasn't been back with my exH and wife since.  Word is she is living with an aunt when she is not at school.

    Anyway, to the point of this post: my D and I were talking about her dad, and the stepsister was mentioned.  According to my D, the stepsister moved out because she is a "spoiled brat who wasn't getting everything she wanted."  I challenged this viewpoint with my D, to no avail.  Apparently, she accepts whatever her dad and stepmom tell her without questioning its merits.

    Could she be in any more denial?  The degree of it worries me.

   

[Kattgirl]

    I guess the biggest thing I'm concerned about is the fact that D17 is almost an adult (at least in her mind!) and, although I know she won't "magically" be all grown up at the age of 18, she will - in a sense - be going out into the world and needs to have developed critical thinking skills.

    I think what she hears is that I dislike her dad (which I admit is true) and I am probably sending the wrong message to her.  I know she loves her dad and stepmom, I just want her to see them with more of a critical eye.  To see them as human beings who don't always do the best by themselves and each other.  She seems to particularly see her stepmom as someone who is always the victim, always a "nice" person, and doesn't seem to be able to see that this woman is at least somewhat dysfunctional and that maybe her behavior (and my ex H's) contributed to her D's wanting to move out.  My D will only see her stepmom as a completely guileless victim.

[Matt]

Kattgirl,

I read this a few days ago and thought about it, and I have to admit, I'm just going to hope others have good answers, because I'm facing the same thing, and haven't found an answer so far...

My SD is 22, very intelligent and educated, and has seen her mom (my ex) act out many times, sometimes in extreme ways.  She knows her mom has been diagnosed with multiple psychological disorders and ordered by the court to get psychotherapy.  But she continues to believe whatever her mom tells her, including some accusations against me, and she doesn't seem to have any expectations or boundaries where her mom is concerned.

It's sad to see but I have given up on telling SD things she doesn't want to hear.  Instead I just include her in my life as much as possible and make sure she knows I love her.  When the subject of her mom comes up I only react to what is said - if she says, "Mom was in a bad mood yesterday" I bite my tongue and don't "go there", just let her talk if she wants to, which usually doesn't go far.  SD knows that if she ever wants to talk about her mom I'll be there, but I'm probably not who she will talk with about that.

It's not what I think would be best - I really think it would be best if SD would get some counseling to work through these issues but she'll have to decide that for herself...

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[Kattgirl]

Thanks, Matt.

I'll chalk this up to being a "blind spot."  God knows I have had my share of them.  And, when I was D's age, although I knew there was something off about my mom, I sure didn't know what it was, and fiercely defended her many times!  Decades passed before I was really able to take off the blinders.