Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 02, 2015, 03:14:47 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Today's Feature: Survey - the misdiagnosis and mistreatment of BPD Participate here
Moderators: DreamGirl, EaglesJuJu, lbjnltx, Kwamina, livednlearned, Mutt, Suzn, Turkish, Waverider   
Advisors: cosmonaut, maxen, Mike-X, once removed, Reforming
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Login Register  
VIDEO: Could it be Borderline Personality Disorder? 17 million people in the US are affected by Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD traits.This is a disorder of extreme fear of rejection and limited executive function. People suffering with these traits of this disorder often have a lifetime of unstable relationships. This video describes the disorder in detail.
51
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Christmas arrangements.  (Read 573 times)
Matt
Distinguished Member
Emeritus
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 15305



WWW
« on: December 20, 2011, 12:01:33 PM »

Haven't seen any threads about this, and it's always an issue...

Married 12 years, separated just before Christmas 2006, divorce final mid-2008.  Kids now 13 and 15, stepkids 22 and 34.

For a year or two I had big dinners at my house - Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays.  It went OK but I decided it wasn't the best thing.  My wife had behaved very badly - false accusations which she never told the kids weren't true - and it wasn't really honest to treat her like family after that.  The kids still ask about having dinners together but we haven't done that in awhile.

This year SD22 is coming home.  Her flight gets in Saturday morning, and if there is time we'll go visit SS34, who she hasn't seen in awhile.  He's in prison so we can't have a Christmas like we would like to, but he'll be very glad if we can see him.

Then home and SD will stay with us just one night, and open presents Christmas morning.  I had proposed to their mom to bring them all (S13, D15, SD22) over there so they could spend the rest of the day with her.  No response.

Yesterday I sent a note asking Ex if she could take SD22 back to the airport later in the week.  She replied that she could, and said she had a turkey and would I want to have a big dinner or should she fix dinner and I could come over.  I repeated the plans I had proposed earlier and said, "I have other plans for dinner" (which involve my microwave and football).  She said OK.

It will work out fine - always sad not to have it like it should be but I'll be exhausted by the time I drop the kids off with their mom and I wouldn't enjoy being in her home (and I've never had her in my home since moving).

The boundaries are more important than the turkey.  (But if the kids bring me some turkey I won't be at all offended.)
Logged

DreamGirl
SITE MODERATOR
**
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 5969


Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2011, 01:18:11 PM »

For all the kids and stepkids alike, Christmas Eve at our house - Christmas Day at the other parents house.

Works great and no confusion.  snowman

Logged

"What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me."
~Dave Matthews

JustSaying
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 3183


« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2011, 02:24:26 PM »

It'll be our first separated. NC. The rules lay out the visitation/exchange schedule to the hour and alternating by year. No room for fudging. D's bummed that she'll have the dinner hour at her mom's be/c her mom hasn't been cooking for her, so D and I are having our favorite chili on Christmas morning. Maybe I'll throw extra beans in her portion before driving her over there. smiley
Logged



GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT

The focus of this board is about navigating a difficult relationship to serve the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. The board objectives are listed in the WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?

If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to FAMILY LAW. If you need help with anything, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

DreamGirl
SITE MODERATOR
**
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 5969


Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2011, 02:51:09 PM »

Maybe I'll throw extra beans in her portion before driving her over there. smiley

 grin

And a Mountain Dew.
Logged

"What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me."
~Dave Matthews

Gagrl
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 2739



« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2011, 03:24:31 PM »

Maybe I'll throw extra beans in her portion before driving her over there. smiley

 grin

And a Mountain Dew.

Then give her several chocolate bars for dessert.
Logged

"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
DreamGirl
SITE MODERATOR
**
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 5969


Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2011, 03:29:29 PM »

Maybe I'll throw extra beans in her portion before driving her over there. smiley

 grin

And a Mountain Dew.

Then give her several chocolate bars for dessert.

Goodness gracious, she'll be farting, running around, and needing to go poop. 
Logged

"What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me."
~Dave Matthews

JustSaying
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 3183


« Reply #6 on: December 20, 2011, 05:26:25 PM »

Quote
Goodness gracious, she'll be farting, running around, and needing to go poop.

As D herself would say, "And your point is?" Ha ha.

But it'd be at her mom's. Which would be funny, except that when her mom gets on a roll (read: RAGE) she'll even follow D into the bathroom and not give her privacy.
Logged


leap of faith
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 96



« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2011, 07:29:45 PM »

I repeated the plans I had proposed earlier and said, "I have other plans for dinner" (which involve my microwave and football).  She said OK.

This is our first Christmas apart.  If anything, the kids seem excited by the idea of two Christmases.

My ex has our kids for Saturday and Sunday (I offered to trade Christmas for New Year's with her because I know that Christmas is more of a big deal to her...) and the kids and I have Monday and Tuesday off work/school so will have our Christmas celebration then.

My ex invited me for Christmas dinner with her and the kids (lots of drama going on in her life and her new gf won't be there...)  I have no desire to be around her ever, so I thanked her for the invitation but said I had other plans... my plans are similar to Matt's -- some sort of take-out and a stack of dvd's from the library -- I am very much looking forward to it! 


Logged
NorthernGirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 956



« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2011, 01:22:35 PM »

We have SS17 and SS21 Christmas eve and Christmas morning. They go to UBPDMom's at noon Christmas day and spend the rest of the day with her. It alternates each year. SS19 is at a treatment center a 10 hour drive away (and doesn't get visitors) so we hope to speak to him on the phone (he can phone out, but we can't phone him.)

This schedule was started when DH and I were serious. Before that, DH, UBPDMom and all the boys used to get together at one of the houses. DH said he was doing it for the boys. Eventually he asked the kids if that's what they really wanted, and they all said no. They said it was awkward and "kind of weird" to pretend they were a happy family.

Happy Christmas all!
Logged


Matt
Distinguished Member
Emeritus
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 15305



WWW
« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2011, 11:22:56 PM »

Haven't seen any threads about this, and it's always an issue...

Married 12 years, separated just before Christmas 2006, divorce final mid-2008.  Kids now 13 and 15, stepkids 22 and 34.

For a year or two I had big dinners at my house - Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays.  It went OK but I decided it wasn't the best thing.  My wife had behaved very badly - false accusations which she never told the kids weren't true - and it wasn't really honest to treat her like family after that.  The kids still ask about having dinners together but we haven't done that in awhile.

This year SD22 is coming home.  Her flight gets in Saturday morning, and if there is time we'll go visit SS34, who she hasn't seen in awhile.  He's in prison so we can't have a Christmas like we would like to, but he'll be very glad if we can see him.

Then home and SD will stay with us just one night, and open presents Christmas morning.  I had proposed to their mom to bring them all (S13, D15, SD22) over there so they could spend the rest of the day with her.  No response.

Yesterday I sent a note asking Ex if she could take SD22 back to the airport later in the week.  She replied that she could, and said she had a turkey and would I want to have a big dinner or should she fix dinner and I could come over.  I repeated the plans I had proposed earlier and said, "I have other plans for dinner" (which involve my microwave and football).  She said OK.

It will work out fine - always sad not to have it like it should be but I'll be exhausted by the time I drop the kids off with their mom and I wouldn't enjoy being in her home (and I've never had her in my home since moving).

The boundaries are more important than the turkey.  (But if the kids bring me some turkey I won't be at all offended.)

So far so good...

Took S13 and D15 this morning, three hours to pick up SD22 at the airport.  The kids were great and her flight was on time, so we had time to visit SS34.  He was thrilled to see us - I had told him we would come if we could but he thought SD's flight would probably be delayed and we wouldn't have time.

A nice visit for awhile, and then for some reason D15 felt the need to give SS a huge hug, and S13 and SD22 joined in - a very spontaneous outpouring of affection for him which really touched me.  I know it meant a lot to SS too.  Later he thanked me for bringing them and told me it was a great Christmas for him, and I could tell he meant it.

Long drive home - very tired but it was worth it.
Logged

2015 Financial Sponsors
Thank you. We are all appreciative of the thoughtful and responsible men and women who provide the support, education, and brotherhood to keep BPDFamily on the air and make a difference in the lives and families of many. To all, thank you for this wonderful resource.
1989
123Phoebe
4kidz
A maze
Achaya
Adelheid
adventurer
aeoma
alf
All4BVM
antifragile
arlers
Aurelius
Aurora7
Aussie JJ
Aussieman
Avi
babyducks
BatMasterson
beatup
Being Mindful
Bhodidharma
billypilgrim
BlackandBlue
blissful_camper
bluetooth
bobbyvp
Bookworm77
Boss302
bpdfamfan
bpdRelife
CalledaPerson
captain4464
Carebearx2m
careman
Cat Familiar
catclaw
catnap
caughtnreleased
cehlers55
Change2014
chooselove
Chosen
chump
claudiaduffy
cleotokos
clydegriffith
Cmjo
cobwebfaery
ColdEthyl
confusedwoman
Conundrum
CookieMom
corraline
coworkerfriend
Cumulus
DearBFF
Dibdob59
Dire Wolf
doubleAries
downwhim
draptemp
drummerboy
Dutched
DyingLove
easternmom
Elpis
Emelie Emelie
emoinferno
enlighten me
Ex_CB_Partner
F150
FannyB

findingmyselfagain
flowerpath
foggydew
ForeverDad
forget-me-not
Frankcostello
Free2Bee
freedom33
friskey
fromheeltoheal
Gagrl
GeekyGirl
gettin-unstuck
gfish
gloveman
Grey Kitty
gsm42
half-life
HappyChappy
HappyNihilist
harnettr
Harri
Heartandsole
heartandwhole
Heldfast
Heshie
hithere
Hope26
hope2727
howcanI?
imataloss
In Pain
inkling16
Inside
Intent_to_learn
Irish Pride
janpiet
Japeslee
jaynebrain
jellibeans
Jessica84
jjclark
Johnjm
joolz29
Josie C
joyjoyjoy
JRT
jthorpejr
JulesC
juner
kaer
kappa
kc sunshine
Keep
KeepOnGoing
kelti1972
kidsteele
kj1234
KQuestionsItAll
Kwamina
landj
landofoz
Learning Fast
Leelou
lemon flower
lever
Linda Maria
lipstick
llor
lm911
Lmls
Love Is Not Enough
Loveisfree
lovenature
Loveofhislife
Lucky One
madmom
maid
malibu4x
MammaMia
maric
mdg2101
Mel1968
mercurious
Mercury2Pluto
mggt
michel71
Mike76
mitatsu
Mom919
momtara
Mono No Aware:
Mr Hollande
Mutt
NeedHelpPls
newlifeBPDfree
NewWays
nochangeinsight
NorthernGirl
oblivian2013
oceaneyes
Olivia_D
outside9x
overcomer
P.F.Change
Panda39
paperlung
patientandclear
Patty
picturelady
Pingo
PinkieV
Pou
Progress Not Perfection
propunchingbag
qcarolr
qkslvrgirl
Rapt Reader
raytamtay3
really???
Recooperating
Reforming
ReluctantSurvivor
rickdeckard
Ridingthewaves
Rifka
rollercoaster24
Ross O
sanemom
Saro
Scarlet Phoenix
schwing
SCM
sdyakca
seahorse
SES
ShaSha
Sheed
simpleman
sirius
Skip
SlyQQ
Soulslider
Southern_Belle
SpringInMyStep
Sshilli
SSJ0603
stargazer3
StayOrLeave15
stupafly
Sunfl0wer
Surg_Bear
Surnia
suz124w
swampped
sweetheart
swiftkick
Take2
Tamara96
Tansy
Targeted
Theo41
thereishope
Tiepje3
toomanytears
trappedinlove
tryingtohelp
trytrytry
Turkish
tuum est61
twojaybirds
ugghh
Up In the Air
vbor
Vindi
vre
waverider
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
White_Lily
WindReader
winston72
Witchway
worn_out
Yaffle
yeeter
zaqsert
zenwexler

Pay it forward Here

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Top Spacer
images/mb/panel_coparenting1.jpgimages/mb/panel_coparenting2.jpg
index.php?topic=182254.msg1331467#msg1331467index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459index.php?topic=182254.msg1331377#msg1331377index.php?topic=182254.msg1331365#msg1331365index.php?topic=182254.msg1331290#msg1331290index.php?topic=182254.msg1331289#msg1331289
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2015, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!