Confusion, is it me or her? I'm in need of advice.

[Think About It...]

I have been separated for a year now(eventual divorce). I this time I have made some new friends and developed a crush on one of them. She and I have been talking for a about a year. After some time, I have felt like I she may like me as well. Now that she is back in the states, I feel like I am doing something wrong though. A friend and I spent the weekend with her, but I felt like maybe I should stick the friendship route. After the visit, she doesn't really respond to or send texts and hasn't returned the last call. I have tried to spend some time with her,but she doesn't seem to have interest in me like she use to. Most of our early communication was on the internet, she didn't live in the US. After spending more time in person,She seems like she is very affectionate to her friends, so I feel like I may have been confused. There has been no discussion of an "us". We are supposed to go see a concert in Jan, hoping she doesn't cancel.
My main question is should I let her contact me or should I try to text  and call still.  She is a very strong and independent, I like that about her.   My fear is that if she is interested, not contacting her may confuse her.
My other fear is being interested in another person that is unfulfiling for a long time.

[agast84]

I have been separated for a year now(eventual divorce). I this time I have made some new friends and developed a crush on one of them. She and I have been talking for a about a year. After some time, I have felt like I she may like me as well. Now that she is back in the states, I feel like I am doing something wrong though. A friend and I spent the weekend with her, but I felt like maybe I should stick the friendship route. After the visit, she doesn't really respond to or send texts and hasn't returned the last call. I have tried to spend some time with her,but she doesn't seem to have interest in me like she use to. Most of our early communication was on the internet, she didn't live in the US. After spending more time in person,She seems like she is very affectionate to her friends, so I feel like I may have been confused. There has been no discussion of an "us". We are supposed to go see a concert in Jan, hoping she doesn't cancel.
My main question is should I let her contact me or should I try to text  and call still.  She is a very strong and independent, I like that about her.   My fear is that if she is interested, not contacting her may confuse her.
My other fear is being interested in another person that is unfulfiling for a long time.

[azmomm2]

Since you have plans to see a concert in January, I don't think it would be strange to text or contact her.

Maybe find a video of the band you are seeing, and forward the link to her with a note saying "XX more days! I'm excited!"

When you go to the concert, I'd go ahead and let her know you are interested in seeing her more often. You don't want to waste more time if she isn't interested in more than friendship, so you have nothing to lose by laying it out there!

[Want2know]

I agree with azmomm2...contacting her is fine as long as it continues to be mutual, meaning after you send her something she responds interactively, and not just with a yes or no response. 

There is a weird aspect of online communication.  I think we all can attest to this in a way by the use of these boards.  I can open up and tell "you" all anything, whereas, telling my friends in person is more difficult. 

There was this one guy that I had great communication with online.  We had hung out with each other in group settings before (ie. at parties), so I knew who he was and what he looked like, but never had the level of communication I did with him in person as I did online.  After a while of the online stuff, we decided to go see a band together.  I tried to keep an open mind about him, because he wasn't my "normal" type.  When we finally hung out a few times in person, even with the great online communication, I realized the "spark" wasn't really there.  Not to discourage you or say that she may not be attracted to you, but just that online communication is such a new level of chatting that it's hard to know if that translates to real life encounters.  That's why I don't get the online dating stuff.  I don't really trust that my impression through a computer is how I would respond to the person in real life.  The opposite could also be true...ie. online communication is not great, but in person they are so much better.

[agast84]

Herein lies the problem. She is not seeking out communication. That is the part that scares me now. My ex would constantly ignore me so I get to the point of panic attacks when I think I am being ignored by anyone. I was told I text too much then too little(by ex).
I have no idea what to do now. I have been trying to break this damage for a year, still hasn't happened. Also, when hanging out in person I looked for signs of anything. My problem is everything I see is a sign or notice nothing. I am oblivious to attention from women, always have been. My two relationships were with girls that either showered me with attention(to the point of making me uneasy, but that could have been me, some of the time) or ignored me. I don't want to do this again. I am not even 30 and I am thinking of writing off intimacy(all forms), relationships, and Marriage(well 2nd marriage) and focus on raising my kids and  just be even lonelier when they are don't need me. I am 27, I should seek it out!  

[azmomm2]

I guess my question to you is what do you think you have to lose by being assertive with women, rather than just trying to read signs from them?

What do you have to lose by just saying "Hey, I think you are pretty cool." to someone, and asking if they feel the same way.

Seriously - what is the worst thing that can happen?

It sounds like you are just being extremely passive, and are just letting life happen to you, rather than standing up and saying "this is what I want".

Like you said, you should seek it out. Be yourself, and be confident that there is someone out there for you. In being true to yourself, this also means, that there will be people who DON'T like you, or who just don't mesh well with you. That's ok and good. You don't just want anyone who will take you. You want someone who will like and respect you as you really are.

So if you like this woman - contact her! If she ignores a text or call, try once more using a different method. If she ignores again, she just isn't interested, so move on. If someone is interested, they'll make an effort to show it.

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[JustSaying]

After the visit, she doesn't really respond to or send texts and hasn't returned the last call. I have tried to spend some time with her,but she doesn't seem to have interest in me like she use to.

If I wrote this about someone, I'd feel that I had provided the answer to my own question.

[agast84]

As true as that sounds, I think she may be depressed, she hates her family.  She has seemed depressed for quite some time. Unfortunately, with this situation occurring, I have found myself gravitating to my supposed "ex". This is torture, I am lonely, but not desperate. I am doing my best to not get hurt again.
A friend recently told me my wife still has feelings for me. This is frustrating, because she is the one that acts the most indecisive. I would still love her non-stop, I have forced myself to lose it so I don't spend the rest of my life like the last year of my marriage.
 Every time I feel free if it, I start to miss her because of her or someone else. I can't put up with her odd behavior or her mom's.  I really don't know what is best, I would like someone to share my love with.
I fear losing something that could be salvaged . I am rambling. I hope everyone is  doing well.

[JustSaying]

My stbx sent several messages during the last several months of the "I miss you and miss my family" variety. She missed us so much she'd tell my daughter I was trying to make her homeless and living out of her car (all while I was paying the luxury apartment she lived in). And she'd scream at D about being a brat and tell D how her new bf treated her so much better than D or me. And she'd tell the custody evaluator that I did a bunch of stuff that I never did and could prove I never did.

Personality disorders can lead people to say and do all sorts of stuff with no seeming concern for its real meaning. Does that offer the makings of a mutually satisfying relationship?

There are two issues. One is her behavior and the high likelihood that she will keep doing as she has been because that's how she does things. The second is the choices you make about why you choose this behavior in a partner and why it's so hard to be alone and get psychologically healthy before complicating things again with another relationship. If you don't find that healthy part of you, chances are you'll be again attracted to another unhealthy person.

[MaK]

As true as that sounds, I think she may be depressed, she hates her family.  She has seemed depressed for quite some time.

I see red flags there, anyone who hates their family is not anyone who can bring anything healthy to a relationship.
You have your answer.  Also, just ask her.  What do you have to lose?

[nuclearbullet]

To the OP:  I'm not gonna judge you because I don't really know you, but I'm only going to write from my own experience.

Reading your post hit some personal spots in myself.  All of us that went through this BPD relationship are recovering damaged goods.

From a third person perspective (which is something we should all practice since if you can remove your own personal bias, you'll usually come to a much more logical and real solution), you are making a big deal of everything.

Remember that people are not static.  Remember that people's feelings, even yours and mine, are not static.  We bump into things, we experience new part of life, and we sometimes don't feel the same way about things after such experience.

You didn't really hint or even pursued a romantic relationship, the best you can hope for is a platonic one.  If there was an understanding ahead of time that this will evolve into a romantic one, then, I would say she was leading you on, but from the information that you have presented, it doesn't seem that way.  Sometimes, we, people who have gone through BPD and continue attracting and being attracted to people with BPD, get blindsided and think that there are some romantic ties simply because someone is being nice to us, or attentive to our problems, or there for us.  Sometimes, we have to accept that they are just being human and showing us compassion, and that's it.  Not romance, not intimacy, but just compassion.  We have to take that and just be grateful that they were there for us.

Just try not to be stuck with the notion that someone is the "one."  We should not paint that sort of image on anyone.  Because in reality, if someone is the "one,"  the paint will gather and paint himself/herself, we should not idealize someone.  Remember to look at everyone as they are humans, not our saviors, not our romantic one-in-a-million sort of view.

Like the other posters have suggested, just shoot this person a casual email, and let the chips fall where they fall...

[agast84]

I would like to thank everyone that has commented on my post.  All of you have really helped me. Many of the options and conclusions you all have reached, so have I. I usually post or respond here after a great deal of internal dialogue aka struggle. I talk to friends and family often about many thoughts that have popped into my brain. I always strive to get as many perspectives to see if there is a flaw. I must make my own choices though.
MaK: I have met her family. All the things she told me about were truthful. She has many legitimate reasons to not like her family.
nuclearblast: Your post resonates with me.  That is why I felt the way I did. Compassion is something I have always looked for in friends. She did not lead me on at any point. In fact, I worried I may have been guilty of doing so. I did never mentioned any feelings to her because I feared it being used against me for various reasons. I didn't want to pressume upon the friendship. I love her as a friend first and foremost, I like her as a person.(does that make any sense? I feel silly writing that). I am doing the  last part, letting the chips fall.
I recently found out she liked my friend and he liked her. His love and respect for me messed both of them up. That saddens me and further complicates matters. I never told him not to do anything. I never want anyone to suffer on my behalf. I want everyone ad happy as they can be in life. I told him how I felt about her, but issued no threats or anything. I would have been bummed but over it quickly. I am no one to stand in the way of happiness. No of this was intentional on anyone's part. 

I have learned to recover quickly from the small stuff, the big stuff is still a work in progress.
Overall, I am just going to try to live my life and care for those I care about. I am enjoying the fun along the way, and rolling with the punches. I will survive and I want everyone to come along for the fun.