Punished For Telling The Truth

[Think About It....]

I need some advice.  My 5 year old daughter's mother is consumed with how I do my daughter's hair and whether I let my fiancee do it (among other things).  She firmly believes that we are blowing drying my daugther's hair and causing damage which is not the case.  When my daughter tells her the truth, she accuses her of lying and sends her to her room until she says that we are doing it.  Of course I have already said that neither of us are doing it, but she apparently does not believe me.

I am very concerned that my daughter is being taught to lie and possibly experiencing some emotional damage as a result.  I do not think that the courts would view this as serious nor do I trust them to assist.  I am concerned about taking my daughter to a child psychologist because then she will mirror my behavior.

Any advice?

[Yelats]

I need some advice.  My 5 year old daughter's mother is consumed with how I do my daughter's hair and whether I let my fiancee do it (among other things).  She firmly believes that we are blowing drying my daugther's hair and causing damage which is not the case.  When my daughter tells her the truth, she accuses her of lying and sends her to her room until she says that we are doing it.  Of course I have already said that neither of us are doing it, but she apparently does not believe me.

I am very concerned that my daughter is being taught to lie and possibly experiencing some emotional damage as a result.  I do not think that the courts would view this as serious nor do I trust them to assist.  I am concerned about taking my daughter to a child psychologist because then she will mirror my behavior.

Any advice?

[beyondbelief]

I seriously doubt your D’s hair is really the point of  all the arguments.  She wants to argue and nothing is going to stop her.  So even if the hair thing was cleared up she would invent something new to fight over.  So I would just refuse to discuss hair further.  When something new comes up, respond once by email and refuse to discuss it further.

I do believe you are right to be concerned about how this is affecting your D.  Honestly there is probably little or nothing you can do to control what your X does.  You D needs to learn some coping skills to deal with her M.  I would strongly suggest finding some counseling for both your D and yourself.  So she can learn skills and you can learn how to support her in dealing with your X.

I am confused about you worrying about your D mirroring you.  Can you explain this more?

[Yelats]

Thanks for the response.  I meant my daughter's mother mirroring me, not my daughter.  Her mother took her to a doctor regarding the hair and the doctor provided a generic letter that her M used as evidence.  I then took her to a doctor as well and this specialist said nothing was wrong.  Upon sharing that information with her M, she just continued faslely accusing me.

If I take her to a psychologist then her M will do the same and pretty soon my daughter is being run back and forth to doctors all the time.  I do not want to add to the confusion, that's all.

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[beyondbelief]

If you can find a way to stop her from making accusations, please let everyone know.  It is certainly a task that has eluded me for years.  Now beyond sending a single email stating my position, I just ignore them unless it has legal significance.

Sorry that I didn't understand your mirroring concern.  Why don't you try to find a least one T for your D with a lot of experience in high conflict divorces and ask them what they suggest to help your D and to prevent multiple Ts?  If the T has no good ideas then say thank you and keep looking until you find one that does.

[muddychicken]

By not believing your daughter and forcing her to lie in order to have her punishment lifted your ex is actually distorting your child's reality and let's be honest, putting her down a path where this defense mechanism will be used in the future because it is successful which does not bode well for her.

[Yelats]

Is there any point to sending the ex an email about this?  I realize that it will not stop her and may cause more problems for my daughter, but I am also thinking about those that would ask why I did not confront (i.e. judge) if this ends up back in court.

[beyondbelief]

You must have a pretty bored judge if s/he is worried about how hair is dried.

Whether you choose to respond or not has no bearing on the validity of the accusations.  If it goes to court you both present your case and the judge decides.  The judge is not going to care if you responded to her or not.  If it mattered then both you and she could sit around all day sending each other allegations and someone would win based on volume alone.

You might want to respond for a couple of reasons.  First it shows you tried to cooperate with her.  Second once in a while the Xs turn out to be right.  I really don’t recommend sending a bunch of emails or worse phone calls back and forth.  It is almost always a waste of electrons as the chances of changing anyone’s mind is pretty slim.

What I generally do is send one email stating my position.  I usually include a line saying if you have anything to add then send me an email with your reasons.  Maybe one time out of 50 my X has a valid point and I change my mind.  Otherwise I don’t respond unless it becomes a true legal issue.  Now the X rarely bothers to answer because she knows she has nothing to contribute and won’t be getting a response.

Other people make it a point to try to win every exchange.  Do what works for you.

[Matt]

I think you can minimize this by changing the way you communicate with your ex.

Most of us find e-mail to be best, except in rare situations, like emergencies.  When your ex calls, let it go to voice-mail, and listen to that, and decide whether to call her back.

Minimize face-to-face situations.  Find some phrases that sound OK but don't mean anything except "This conversation is over."  Don't worry about subtlety.  Just say something like, "I'll pick her up Friday." even though she knows that already, or "Have a nice day." as you are turning and walking away.  It's awkward at first - you may feel rude - but that doesn't matter.  Do it consistently and end face-to-face conversations.

E-mail is best because it leaves a record, and because you can stop and think before responding.  Ignore anything that isn't appropriate, like accusations.  Ignore emotions and don't communicate your emotions either.  Just communicate information related to the child - nothing else.  3 sentences max.  It may help to draft the e-mail and then sleep on it before sending it;  pretty often I think better the next day.  Or you can draft it and share it here - lots of times I've done that, and my wife friends here have helped me see more clearly before sending it.

If your ex finds an appropriate way to share some information - "I read this article about how hair-dryers damage a child's hair." - you can thank her for the article but not engage in a debate - "Thank you for the article."  You get to end the discussion any time, by not responding.  (And the paper trail will show you handling it well and your ex trying to provoke you.)

[bpdlover]

You certainly can't win many exchanges you just have to action them on a level of priority. Damage will be done but acceptance is a must now. Choose your battles and live as best you can with a notepad at your side. Good wishes to you.

[david]

I tried "coparenting with my BPDw 4 plus years ago. Doesn't work so I parallel parent. I only communicate through email. Bpdw has tried many methods to change that and I stick to email only. All her accusations that come through email I either respond by simply saying the truth or don't respond at all.
Using your situation, BPDw sends an email saying I am damaging D's hair by using a blow dryer. I reply that I do not blow dry D's hair. One sentence and to the point. Anymore emails from BPDw are ignored and put in a folder. My T said to me a while back, "Negative engagement is still engagement."

[david]

Sorry but I forgot. Read Divorce Poison. It gives good ideas on what to do to help D with ex and her nonsense. Also, my T has helped me help our two boys (13 and 8 now). I tried taking them to a T but BPDw got involved and it was a waste of time. I found what worked for me was to keep as detached as possible and parallel parent. I validate kids perceptions all the time and that gained their trust. I found their trust in me (feeling safe) works better then anything else.

[Matt]

Yeah, "Divorce Poison" by Richard Warshak is excellent.  Practical ways to deal with negativity from the other parent.

http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Poison-New-Updated-Bad-mouthing/dp/0061863262/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1325009380&sr=8-1

[Yelats]

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to respond to my post.  Much of what you are advising I pretty much already do based on my research: no phone calls, no face to face conversation and mostly ignore accusatory emails.

I like the response about creating a safe zone for my daughter.  That is one reason  I did not want to let my ex know what my daughter shared with me because will almost certainly give my daughter a hard time about it and my daughter will end up reluctant to tell me things that I need to know.  I will keep pressing on, thanks again.

[Matt]

I like the response about creating a safe zone for my daughter.  That is one reason  I did not want to let my ex know what my daughter shared with me because will almost certainly give my daughter a hard time about it and my daughter will end up reluctant to tell me things that I need to know.  I will keep pressing on, thanks again.

Most adults who grew up with a parent who had BPD say that it's best to handle it that way - keep what the child tells you to yourself unless there is a huge danger to the child.

[david]

My BPDw ran away 4 plus years ago with the boys. She used serious alienation tactics against me. I stayed focused on their needs and safety. I did not divulge anything they told me. That gave them the safe (trust in me) place with me. It took over a year before S8 (then S4 1/2) opened up. S13 opened up much sooner. I think the age helped. At first they were reluctant to tell me anything. The older one opened up first and the younger just listened. When he started talking he basically showed me he was listening to everything that was going on. I think trust is the most important thing for a child. When they made mistakes I did not yell at them like mom and kept focused. It was not always easy to stay detached from BPDw. I can say that I am very glad I did what I did. I ,with the help of my T, found ways to help them cope with their mom. They found different ways based on their individual personalities. I only gave them guidance and support. I have discovered that both are very perceptive.