How do you keep from being mad or can you?

[Think About It....]

My skids are in town visiting for Christmas.  They have never been my friends on facebook because of their uBPDmom.  She has blocked me from even seeing my SD11's profile.  She is consistently going on my SS12's profile and posting nasty things on my H's profile.  Although she claims it is not her but the things that are said are not in a way that he would say them but in a dialect that she has.  While in town my H and I gave the all of the kids (his and mine) netbook computers for Christmas.  My SD11 friend requested me.  She and I have been "friends" until today.  Now all of a sudden we are not.  My SD11 did not delete me.  Now she is going to go back and friend request me.  I do not want her to  do that to make me happy.  My H says that is not the case but that she wants to.  I just don't get it.  My SS12 just friend requested me.  Then I got suspicious because that is when I found out my SD and I were no longer "friends."  My H said that my SS is the one who did it.  Actually my SS and H were on the computer together and did it together.  I am waiting for that to be deleted. 

Why am I the subject of this woman's darts?  She has told those kids on numerous occasions that I am the reason why my H and her are not together and they are not a family.  Heck she said that on Friday to my SS16 in an effort to convince him to go see her for Christmas.  She got her way.  He left Christmas Eve.  He did tell me that I am not "as bad as his mom makes me out to be."  I will take that with a grain of salt.  I know it is a 16 year old talking and has an allegiance to his mom and has been told so many bad things about me that he feels disloyal if he likes me.  At least I'm not "as bad."  He told his dad that I'm pretty cool.  Everything that goes wrong is either my H's fault or my fault.  I am angry right now.  I am fair to her children and try to respect things and not interfere or step on any toes.  She is  married to another man.  She has made choices in the past-cheating, stealing, hacking into emails and bank accounts and such- that has made my H not want to be with her.  I am just the woman that he has chosen to be with.  I am angry.  I am not only mad at her but mad at myself.  I hate that she gets any control over my emotions.  (Insert not nice words)

[pandadoll]

My skids are in town visiting for Christmas.  They have never been my friends on facebook because of their uBPDmom.  She has blocked me from even seeing my SD11's profile.  She is consistently going on my SS12's profile and posting nasty things on my H's profile.  Although she claims it is not her but the things that are said are not in a way that he would say them but in a dialect that she has.  While in town my H and I gave the all of the kids (his and mine) netbook computers for Christmas.  My SD11 friend requested me.  She and I have been "friends" until today.  Now all of a sudden we are not.  My SD11 did not delete me.  Now she is going to go back and friend request me.  I do not want her to  do that to make me happy.  My H says that is not the case but that she wants to.  I just don't get it.  My SS12 just friend requested me.  Then I got suspicious because that is when I found out my SD and I were no longer "friends."  My H said that my SS is the one who did it.  Actually my SS and H were on the computer together and did it together.  I am waiting for that to be deleted. 

Why am I the subject of this woman's darts?  She has told those kids on numerous occasions that I am the reason why my H and her are not together and they are not a family.  Heck she said that on Friday to my SS16 in an effort to convince him to go see her for Christmas.  She got her way.  He left Christmas Eve.  He did tell me that I am not "as bad as his mom makes me out to be."  I will take that with a grain of salt.  I know it is a 16 year old talking and has an allegiance to his mom and has been told so many bad things about me that he feels disloyal if he likes me.  At least I'm not "as bad."  He told his dad that I'm pretty cool.  Everything that goes wrong is either my H's fault or my fault.  I am angry right now.  I am fair to her children and try to respect things and not interfere or step on any toes.  She is  married to another man.  She has made choices in the past-cheating, stealing, hacking into emails and bank accounts and such- that has made my H not want to be with her.  I am just the woman that he has chosen to be with.  I am angry.  I am not only mad at her but mad at myself.  I hate that she gets any control over my emotions.  (Insert not nice words)

[tog]

pandadoll- this is the stuff I struggle with too, and what led to my joining this board. I understand the need to detach and not let my SO's stbx have such space in my head and influence over my moods, but it sure is hard to do.

I haven't dealt with the Facebook issue (yet) and I don't know what I'll do when it arises. I suspect I will have a conversation with FSS (or have his father do it), and say that I'm not comfortable being his Facebook friend because I know his mother won't like it. (Though I'll be tempted to accept his friend request and then post lots of pictures on my page of lovey moments with SO, knowing that she will undoubtedly go through my whole page via his  )

His ex does not target me directly, in fact, she seems somewhat intimidated by me and/or wants to impress on me what a wonderful mother she is.  But it's hard not to get mad when the boy tells me the abusive, rotten things she says about his father, or I read the abusive emails she sends my ex. It's hard not to worry about the possibility of her alienating the child entirely.

I know she's sick, but it all seems so purposeful, and it has such an effect on my life.

So if you come up with any good strategies, let me know. 

[JustSaying]

Perhaps you can find things to do with them that don't involve her. Best way to avoid her is to go where she ain't. Maybe you and the skids can text, or AIM, of video chat, or other things she can't control. Find an area that is exclusively yours with them, and that she neither knows about nor can mess with, and you'll have the time to build an independent step-parent relationship with them.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[pandadoll]

They are not allowed to text me when they are with her with is the majority of the time.  Which is even more frustrating because I pay for one of the kids phones.  They are not allowed to have communication with me unless they are at my home.  She even monitors communication with their dad by going through their phones, facebook, emails, etc.  Mostly it is their phones.  She checks to see what texts they are sending him and what he sends them.  Then she attacks my H.  I don't think she tells the kids that she goes through the phones because they would probably delete the conversations.  My H doesn't tell them because he wants them to feel like they can continue to talk to him - he just keeps taking the abuse from her.  My SD did know that her mom read one conversation about a Christmas present that my SD was going to give to my H.  Her mom got very mad and blew up at SD and threw her phone and it split apart.  SD was upset because she thought mom  had broken her phone and she thought her dad and I would be upset.  That is the phone we pay for. 

Last night my H's ex was calling and texting him about a message that he had sent his daughter about one of his family member who is now blocked from facebook again (all of his family is now blocked again).  Mom got ahold of the phone and then started telling him that "these" people were blocked for a reason and only her family were allowed to communicate with his children.  Then she said that she was willing to make a "deal" if he would respond to her.  He was not responding to her texts and not answering her calls.  She then friend requested him on facebook.  My thought is that she will allow the kids to be friends with his family but not me if he accepts her friend request.  He feels that this is not up for negotiation.  She had her new husband listed as the kids father but not even allowing him to be a part of the family.  It is all just games that he is not willing to play.  It put the kids in the middle of things they shouldn't have to be in the middle of. 

When we dropped the kids off to go home she wanted him to drop me off somewhere else and not even be in the same parking lot because I have a restraining order against her, due to constant harrassment that I received prior to him and I getting married and he was overseas.  In her mind I am not allowed to be withing 100 yards of her.  The RO says nothing of distance just that she cannot communicate with me.  I am not willing to be dropped off at some gas station to apease her.  I will sit in the car and not get out but I will  not be shoved off like that.  All she has to do is not alk to me.  I decided to go inside the store when we got there and let him go across the parking lot to give the kids back.  I texted when I was done shopping and they were done with the what they had to do.  As soon as I got in the vehicle he let her know we were gone because she said she had to go in the store.  She said she saw us leave.  The she texted him and said she loved him.  Several times a week she sends those texts.  The only thing that keeps me from getting very upset is that he doesn't respond.  He dosn't tell her to stop but at least he doesn't encourage.  They are both remarried and she nhas no business talking to him like that.

[tog]

It's about control for her, SO's stbx is the same way. In his ex's case, I know it's about her anxiety, she fears losing the kid to me like she has lost SO to me.  In my case, she's well aware that the boy adores me, though I've been very careful to make sure he knows (and therefore she knows) that I'm not trying to be his mother. I think she has a strong need to be "loved the best" by the kid to show the world what a wonderful parent she is. She puts way more effort into appearing to be a perfect parent (even to me) than she does into actually *being* a good parent.  She also goes through his phone and feels a strong need to control his relationship with my SO because she fears losing the boy to him, too.

My guess is she finds you very threatening and you make her insecure in a similar manner. She sees that you and DH are happy and on some level, she thinks he still belongs to her. It doesn't matter that she's remarried, she's "the mother of his children" and therefore he's hers, in her mind.  That's why she targets you, to make herself feel better.

I get that my SO's ex is mentally ill, but in the process, she's incredibly abusive to everyone. So I think it's imperative to set boundaries. It's really hard to figure out how to do that without putting the kid in the middle, and sometimes it's impossible.

I struggle with anger too, and fear about the effect she has had on my life and SO's and the boy's. But I try to detach and not let it get to me as much as possible. I expect her to act mentally ill because, well, she IS mentally ill. I expect the ups and downs and cycles and try to enjoy the times she is quiet and not let the times she is frantic and controlling everything upset me TOO much.

After all, I am choosing this situation, I could walk away if I wanted. I don't want to...but I also can't/won't let her control my life.

[JustSaying]

She even monitors communication with their dad by going through their phones, facebook, emails, etc.  Mostly it is their phones.  She checks to see what texts they are sending him and what he sends them.  Then she attacks my H.  I don't think she tells the kids that she goes through the phones because they would probably delete the conversations.

D figured out on her own to delete texts. In your case, I'd be looking for some way, any way to make inroads. Maybe it's just that I hate to be railroaded. I'm 'fortunate' in that x easily quits fights and so all I have to do (D, also) is show spine or bare my teeth and x will back down.

Can the kid's phones be locked? Does she text/call when the kids are with you? Does any court order or custody evaluation speak to this? For example, my CE specifically says parents are allowed to communicate when child is elsewhere.

Unless a limit is placed on her behavior, she'll keep implementing more rules be/c she's getting away with them. For example, if father's family is blocked from fb, then mother's family is, too. Or, if father can't text/call, then mother can't, too. And I'd make a big deal about the new husband listed as kid's father. That is not ok. She's a bully and should be treated as such.