Do they paint their Families Black?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Do pwBPD go through similiar cycles of devaluing, hating, painting black their family members or is it different with non intimate relationships due to the fear of abandonment by the people who have always been closest to them?

My exwBPD seemed to go through phases of being critical about her different family members, usually her sister and step mum who she'd often be manipulated by. Her dad was codependent and far less critical & controlling of my ex than the sister & step mum who I get the feeling probably both have npd by their traits.

When we were living together my ex would often go for periods of time when she would barely have contact with her sister let alone see her, perhaps months at a time and put her down for being mean to her all her life. And often argue with the step mum and be critical of her, then seemingly months later start being all nice to them and seem to change her opinions of them. The father didnt seem to fall in and out of favour at all.

I can remember the time before we moved out into our own place together and tension was high in their family home. Especially between my ex & the step mum and my ex couldnt wait to move out. Now we've split up my ex has moved back with them.

[dangler321]

Do pwBPD go through similiar cycles of devaluing, hating, painting black their family members or is it different with non intimate relationships due to the fear of abandonment by the people who have always been closest to them?

My exwBPD seemed to go through phases of being critical about her different family members, usually her sister and step mum who she'd often be manipulated by. Her dad was codependent and far less critical & controlling of my ex than the sister & step mum who I get the feeling probably both have npd by their traits.

When we were living together my ex would often go for periods of time when she would barely have contact with her sister let alone see her, perhaps months at a time and put her down for being mean to her all her life. And often argue with the step mum and be critical of her, then seemingly months later start being all nice to them and seem to change her opinions of them. The father didnt seem to fall in and out of favour at all.

I can remember the time before we moved out into our own place together and tension was high in their family home. Especially between my ex & the step mum and my ex couldnt wait to move out. Now we've split up my ex has moved back with them.

[Roger Rabbit]

I wondered this to. I found that my exBPDgf hated her dad, and she was right to, buit her mother who I believe is also guilty by staying in the relationship for 20 years also is deserving of some painting grey for a bit, but she would never hear a bad word said about her, never/it triggered her off.

I in the end think it was because her mother would never abandon her, the unconditional love. But to this day I blame her mother somewhat, she was apathetic beyond belief.

[realityhurts]

They certainly do and it's all based upon need.
My ex hated her Mum and sister but when we first broke up guess where she went?
We kept in contact and she told me how incredibly supportive they were
She came back to me after 3 months based upon (I believe) her financial need and split her family black again.
When her sister went to India to volunteer she was sainted by my ex, she was her confidant to everything that was wrong in our R/S and would talk for, literally hours every day. My landline was cut off one day after a single £95 phone call.
Her reaction to things that her mum said were completely over the top and the stories she told me were shocking.
Yet the last time we broke up guess where she went?

[FindingMe2011]

Yes, they do this with, ALL r/s, or this was my observation, for the 13+ years, I spent with BPD/NPD. Only family stays around, they have no choice, and seem to relish in the sickness. To think, that I was was not going to be in the cross hairs, was unreasonable. I was for the most part, blind, the first 4-5yrs. Spent the next 7-8, chasing a dream  ?.  PEACE

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[FriedaB]

Yes they do...Mommy Dearest swings from thinking imthe best child who ever lived to a spoiled, ungratefulbrat...from warm and motherly to an ice queen...yadda yadda...no real rhyme or reason for the 180s...I guess she just gets set off by something I do or say...sometimes her trigger has nothing to do with me at all (ie: raging at me when shes reallyangry at someone else); so yeah, its pretty much a fact of life with regard to BPD. Those of you with just SO (no kids) or friends (but no afflicted family members)...thank the good lord you can chose NC and escape.

[MaybeSo]

Yes, from what I have seen, everyone gets painted black sooner or later especially if the r/s has grown close or is long term, I saw it with me, ex wife, his daughter, less so his son, his brother & sister, his mom he hates the most. I saw it with close business partners, too.

[ellil]

Me ex didn't talk to his mom for years, and spoke very badly about his upbringing. He was still holding on to a grudge over her giving some of his toys away 45 years ago!

He hardly speaks to his oldest sister, and although his relationship with his sons are strained, i know he longs for a close relationship, although he sent his youngest son at 13 to be raised by family in CA (he lives in NJ).

He has no friends either...he took care of his other sisters house when she was out of town during the hurricane. When she thanked him and was grateful, he was crying when he told me. I have never known anyone that emotional.

I do know when he was with me, his family relationships were the best they'd been in his adult life. He said I "regulated" him, whatever that meant.

M

[bpdlover]

Mine would bag the family to her partners but because she was so enmeshed and needed them to fulfil her victim role, she deferred to them. Like many people have mentioned who were involved with a BPD, they have trouble making up their own minds. She could be happy with me one day and someone could come along and say one little thing to her and she would decide to break up. No ability to reason or see context. Her game is, go out into the world, make a mess, come crying back to churchy family and friends to clean up. Mess gets bigger and bigger. Wonder where it will end?

[trellabor]

I think everyone in their lives gets the black paint at some point. I know, even moreso now, that my ex's mother was the main trigger for her BPD as a child and the torment continued as an adult. However, she'd still go over to her parents almost daily, her mom would make her a sandwich to take to work for lunch(?) every morning. Parents/relatives/friends would all go from black to white frequently, and i'm sure to those other people i was going into and out of hate/love as well from what she would tell them.

[dangler321]

She could be happy with me one day and someone could come along and say one little thing to her and she would decide to break up. No ability to reason or see context.

I can completely relate to that sentence!

She always seems to go running back to her family that I'm certain just make her worse, especially when they have their own agenda. And she says I was controlling... LOL!

Crazy thing is one moment she's telling me how manipultive they have been all her life then she goes back to them and gets them to make up her mind for her. Its no wonder she's ill and confused about the whole situation. Dont expect it will be too long before she splits them black again, in fact last thing I heard it sounds like it has already started happening again.

[GlennT]

Absofrigginlutely psychotic. Our family did everything in the world for her. And when she could'nt find anything wrong, she brought up something from her childhood. They are sick, and we know here there are soo many similar symptoms, that it simply has to be neurobiological.

[CodependentHusband]

I've been reading your thread with interest here... my dBPDw has painted different family members black at different points in time... As you described too, some more often than others. While 'need' may play a role in who and when they paint black, I believe that there is another factor other than 'need' at play here. I think that some people's demeanors tend to trigger BPD's less than others. For example, my dad has escaped being painted black for almost 2 years, while other family members have gone thorugh many black/white cycles.

She always seems to go running back to her family that I'm certain just make her worse, especially when they have their own agenda. And she says I was controlling... LOL!

Don't take this the wrong way, because I could well be projecting my experience onto you. It can sometimes be very difficult to see how codependent behaviors are without a doubt 'controlling' behaviours. Like a lot of nons, I have always had the very best of intentions, and actions that I took in the past were designed to help my dBPDw without a doubt! However, in working on myself in therapy over the past couple of months, it has become clear to me that basically any action that I take concerning my dBPDw is, in its own way, a controlling behavior. The good news for me is that I found out about this... The bad news is that it is most likely too late for me to do anything within my power to help save the r/s. My wife is in the process of getting help, but even if it does help, I'm afraid that my r/s has run its course. Hang in there!

[JonnyJon42]

Mine hated her grandma ( who i think is BPD/NPD) but would run to her every chance she got then come home and go on about how much her grandma makes her mad and so forth. I really dont like her grandma i really belive she is a big trigger and is a big reason she is the way she is but for all the hate i think she craves time with her cause the do the dance. When she is living with me grandma is bad controlling and a user but when im gone for the most part stands up for her and im that person WOW i never though about that before its always me or her who is bad im starting to think we are black and white meaning when one is white the other has to be black wow i need to think about this but yes they can hate ANYONE not just mates.

[topknot]

Yes, mine did and still does.  They were good, they were horrible, it was hard to keep up.  Not just the way we tell one another that someone made us angry, or we had a little tiff.  Everything was extreme.  We had a disagreement once about the 18 year old daughter.  He said with so much anger to me, "Don't you EVER do that to me again; that is my daughter, and she will ALWAYS come before you."  I was only pointing out that she was using him financially and could care less about him.  I am a mother of three and it would not enter my mind to place myself in front of a child.  Not long after, the conversation about the daughter was, "She is nothing but a *****; she is a big girl with an attitude to match.  We do not talk."  OKAY...he had severe mother issues - when I met him, he had framed pictures of her which came up and down, and I don't know why.  He told me she had severe dependency upon him and a father that left them.  He admitted he runs from needy women because it makes his skin crawl.

[luckystrikes]

yes yes and yes. dad was the "greatest man in the world."

i was constantly compared to him, and nothing like him. he is emotionally and physically unavailable, a lousy father and husband, and probably ill himself (NPD?).

before we met, and early on, her mother was pure evil. she COULD speak of both of them in shades of grey, but the dynamic was always largely present. mom was involved, if not overly so. it's difficult to distinguish what is/was true or not of her mother, whether her mother might be ill, or just made crazy from living with the two of them.

im glad none of them will share my family tree.

[StillInShock]

Oh yeah... My ex-fiance's has seven brothers and sisters ... All of them are painted black... All of them burrowed thousands of dollars from him that never returned
He hates his father extremely... Wish evil upon him
His mother swings from black to white ... But she is the only one who talks about her with appreciation ...
He lives in a conspiracy that everyone wants to use him  

[Mike76]

My uBPD wife…

Hates my sister almost more passion than I have disliked everyone in my entire life.
She talks about her mom to me in was I have never thought of my mom(ever).
She describes her brother with more adjectives that a (I am at a loss for words, but non vugar words for some reason unlike the others).
Can barley stand my brother(my brother ignores her now so she has nothing to complain about)
She talks about my parents like they are rotten horrible people.
Her cousins have disowned her and now longer invite her to weddings or birthdays because of letters sent to them.

My heart breaks for everyone.