Found love in a hopeless place

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

As I watch this video I can't help but feel like it relates to a small degree of what my relationship with my my BPDexgf was like.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg00YEETFzg

I've never had a relationship as up/down and filled with such emotion. It was the greatest I had ever known to absolute misery.  I'm 5mo's post break up and still striving for understanding that I will never obtain. 

During our most significant blowout(there were many) my ex threw a book at my head and came after me with her fists swinging at my face.  I will never understand how a person who supposedly loves you can intentionally try to harm you.

We never spoke about it afterward and she never apologized.  She tried to make amends "her way" by pushing it under the rug so to speak as if it never happened.  At the time I think she thought I probably instigated it, which I did by walking away and saying I'm not fighting anymore?

I could never quite get over it, we continued with regular arguments and I eventually ended the relationship by slowly pulling away and limiting my time from her.  She felt rejection and whammo...I was painted blacker than black with words against me that were so hurtful.

I asked her later how she could blame me for creating space after she attacked me and she replied with "you drove me that far into depression and misery so thank yourself for that".

I feel hopeless and confused when I think of some of my ex's words/actions.  Was my relationship even real...at the time I thought it was but I guess I now know better.

[Noonan]

As I watch this video I can't help but feel like it relates to a small degree of what my relationship with my my BPDexgf was like.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg00YEETFzg

I've never had a relationship as up/down and filled with such emotion. It was the greatest I had ever known to absolute misery.  I'm 5mo's post break up and still striving for understanding that I will never obtain. 

During our most significant blowout(there were many) my ex threw a book at my head and came after me with her fists swinging at my face.  I will never understand how a person who supposedly loves you can intentionally try to harm you.

We never spoke about it afterward and she never apologized.  She tried to make amends "her way" by pushing it under the rug so to speak as if it never happened.  At the time I think she thought I probably instigated it, which I did by walking away and saying I'm not fighting anymore?

I could never quite get over it, we continued with regular arguments and I eventually ended the relationship by slowly pulling away and limiting my time from her.  She felt rejection and whammo...I was painted blacker than black with words against me that were so hurtful.

I asked her later how she could blame me for creating space after she attacked me and she replied with "you drove me that far into depression and misery so thank yourself for that".

I feel hopeless and confused when I think of some of my ex's words/actions.  Was my relationship even real...at the time I thought it was but I guess I now know better.

[OTB]

As I watch this video I can't help but feel like it relates to a small degree of what my relationship with my my BPDexgf was like.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg00YEETFzg

I've never had a relationship as up/down and filled with such emotion. It was the greatest I had ever known to absolute misery.  I'm 5mo's post break up and still striving for understanding that I will never obtain. 

During our most significant blowout(there were many) my ex threw a book at my head and came after me with her fists swinging at my face.  I will never understand how a person who supposedly loves you can intentionally try to harm you.

We never spoke about it afterward and she never apologized.  She tried to make amends "her way" by pushing it under the rug so to speak as if it never happened.  At the time I think she thought I probably instigated it, which I did by walking away and saying I'm not fighting anymore?

I could never quite get over it, we continued with regular arguments and I eventually ended the relationship by slowly pulling away and limiting my time from her.  She felt rejection and whammo...I was painted blacker than black with words against me that were so hurtful.

I asked her later how she could blame me for creating space after she attacked me and she replied with "you drove me that far into depression and misery so thank yourself for that".

I feel hopeless and confused when I think of some of my ex's words/actions.  Was my relationship even real...at the time I thought it was but I guess I now know better.

Noonan...All I can say tonight is I feel your pain.  You should listen to Rihanna's Rehab song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73O81MY3SVM
Hang tough!

[Noonan]

OTB I can relate to that one too, thank you!

I definitely think I was addicted to my ex, I must have been for putting up w/so much abuse.  I have never been made to feel such shame/guilt for protecting my own feelings after walking away. The depression that I've experienced post breakup is something I've never experienced.

Every day is a better day, working on it!

[OTB]

OTB I can relate to that one too, thank you!

I definitely think I was addicted to my ex, I must have been for putting up w/so much abuse.  I have never been made to feel such shame/guilt for protecting my own feelings after walking away. The depression that I've experienced post breakup is something I've never experienced.

Every day is a better day, working on it!

What about this email for some heavy guilt:  "don't worry I am done. I just wonder how you will look in the mirror from now on and who you see."  My ex is very sick.  I have enough guilt myself and she just laid it on heavier.  Good thing I have a great therapist.  It will take me a while to get over this...
Hang tough Noonan!   

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Karen53164]

Omg, I have so thought the same thing everytime I hear the song.  I'm recently ending a relationship with a BPD.  It's been quite a ride.  I can simplify it all for you.  The one you fell in love with doesnt exist quite like she did and if she does it isnt for long.  This is because she has a serious mental illness.  If you keep trying to rationlize her behavior, her feelings etc which is really because of her illness, you will never get past it.  All of it will drive you insane if you let it.  Yes, it was real to an extent,  but it cannot be sustained and it wont be real very often again.  And in the meantime, you would have to deal with the rest which will drag you down and put you in a mental institute.  Sorry guys,  but it doesnt get better just worse. Accept that she has a mental illness and heal yourself as soon as possible.  I know I am.  Doesnt mean you dont love her.  But you have to love you more.

[captainkirkz]

Omg, I have so thought the same thing everytime I hear the song.  I'm recently ending a relationship with a BPD.  It's been quite a ride.  I can simplify it all for you.  The one you fell in love with doesnt exist quite like she did and if she does it isnt for long.  This is because she has a serious mental illness.  If you keep trying to rationlize her behavior, her feelings etc which is really because of her illness, you will never get past it.  All of it will drive you insane if you let it.  Yes, it was real to an extent,  but it cannot be sustained and it wont be real very often again.  And in the meantime, you would have to deal with the rest which will drag you down and put you in a mental institute.  Sorry guys,  but it doesnt get better just worse. Accept that she has a mental illness and heal yourself as soon as possible.  I know I am.  Doesnt mean you dont love her.  But you have to love you more.

Simple yes, but it encapsulates what you need to do for yourself perfectly. Thanks Karen!

[bpdlover]

Hi Noonan. What a horrible experience and one of many I suspect. It was nothing that you did but it is easy to fall into the trap of blaming yourself. These people create such a washing machine of thoughts around every incident that it becomes too hard to reason anymore. Your relationship was real for you. It was not real for your ex. There was just white and black thinking. The "in between" and/or balance, trust, respect was no where to be found. It was a learning experience that you will never forget and hopefully never allow into your life again. They get us with such passion and intensity in the beginning that it becomes intoxicating, and by the time they bring out the crazy stuff, we are shell shocked and asking ourselves what did we do to make them crazy? Love is letting go.

[Noonan]

Thank you everyone for your insight! 

What makes it difficult for me now is realizing that her behavior IS a result of a mental illness or illnesses. Part of me feels like I shouldn't be angry knowing that it isn't not her fault.  On the other hand I know I couldn't have fixed her.  I just wish I knew then what I know now.  Maybe I could have learned tools to manage/understand how to deal with her.  Maybe I could have talked her into therapy. What amazes me is my ex is VERY academic and I know she knows deep down she has emotional difficulties.  What does upset me is that she had manufactured so many negative circumstances to blame me for everything and prove to me I didn't love her. Not once did she even mention or recognize anything positive I had ever done after we broke up...that cuts me to the core.  How can they delete ever positive memory we ever made?

She is the one walking around with an undiagnosed/untreated behavior disorder, but it's all my fault?

Now she has turned into a facebook junkie, continuous party pics, with smiles from ear to ear.  I have never seen anyone post so many pics of herself...she was terribly insecure?  I made the mistake of looking 3 wks ago and will NEVER look again...screw her

[captainkirkz]

Hi Noonan. What a horrible experience and one of many I suspect. It was nothing that you did but it is easy to fall into the trap of blaming yourself. These people create such a washing machine of thoughts around every incident that it becomes too hard to reason anymore. Your relationship was real for you. It was not real for your ex. There was just white and black thinking. The "in between" and/or balance, trust, respect was no where to be found. It was a learning experience that you will never forget and hopefully never allow into your life again. They get us with such passion and intensity in the beginning that it becomes intoxicating, and by the time they bring out the crazy stuff, we are shell shocked and asking ourselves what did we do to make them crazy? Love is letting go.

Just about sums it up Noonan ... refer to this when you blame yourself next time!

[backontop]

Sooo eery- this song reminds me of my ex everytime I hear it, too!

[Noonan]

Captain,

I use this board every time I feel weak and I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone who has given responses.  It has helped me so much!  Sometimes I feel bad just posting my questions/problems and not offering any insight to anyone else, however this forum is new to me and I feel I don't have any advice to give b/c I'm a newbie, but with every day I'm learning! 

[captainkirkz]

Captain,

I use this board every time I feel weak and I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone who has given responses.  It has helped me so much!  Sometimes I feel bad just posting my questions/problems and not offering any insight to anyone else, however this forum is new to me and I feel I don't have any advice to give b/c I'm a newbie, but with every day I'm learning! 

Thanks Noonan. It's not very long ago that i was in your position. Listening to the folks on this board is very enlightening, they are intelligent and caring people and you will soon be imparting your knowledge to others! Good luck!

[redberry]

Captain is right.  The good people here have helped me tremendously.  More than therapy, even!  Though therapy is important. Keep reading and posting.

[yianks69]

Now she has turned into a facebook junkie, continuous party pics, with smiles from ear to ear.  I have never seen anyone post so many pics of herself...she was terribly insecure?  I made the mistake of looking 3 wks ago and will NEVER look again...screw her

When it comes to BPD, Facebook is a manipulation tool. They will use to project to us non-BPD everything they want after we are not available to them. Her posting pictures having fun is like a spider setting up its web to capture its food. Don’t fall into this cheap crap and delete every post, unfriend her and never stalk her profile again.
These people are highly skilled actresses that know our weaknesses and can sense that we will sneak into their profile. And when we do, dido game is over, food is captured!

[johnc]

I will never understand how a person who supposedly loves you can intentionally try to harm you.

And for that you should be eternally thankful.

[Noonan]

I have not attempted to engage my ex in 2 mo's but I did a few times post break-up, before I found this site, and she refused to see me.

 I often wonder if she is embarrassed/ashamed for striking me? or if the pain is to great for her to see me b/c I more or less ended things?

Or maybe she has found a replacement...this is what my heart tells me.

Maybe I should be blessed b/c she has gone completely NC.

Post break-up I felt relieved but now I feel tremendous guilt/regret...ugh

[captainkirkz]

Ask yourself one question Noonan ...
Do you want to live your life as a doormat?

[johnc]

I often wonder if she is embarrassed/ashamed for striking me? or if the pain is to great for her to see me b/c I more or less ended things?

Or maybe she has found a replacement...this is what my heart tells me.

Or perhaps your attempting contact does away with her need to contact you.

You've already signaled your willingness to stay in the game.

No need for her to confirm it.

[bpdlover]

Stay aware from her if you can, I am certainly not going near my ex, ever.

[Noonan]

Bless you all for I am understanding more and more what the nature of my relationship was all about!

Really had no idea of the complexities/dynamics of these people.  I still wonder if my ex was BPD but I do know she had many traits.  Now I am realizing more and more of what would have happened if I stayed...the inevitable and my eventual destruction.

I am better than that and there is someone else deserving of what I have to give!

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