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Author Topic: What is an enabler?  (Read 1688 times)
chayka
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« on: January 05, 2012, 09:22:42 AM »

What is an enabler? I'm new to this site and have seen the term a few times, but I want to make sure I'm understanding it correctly.

Thanks!

Chayka
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Tess Russell


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« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2012, 09:49:20 AM »

Hello Chayka,
An enabler is someone who essentially helps the person with BPD to continue their inappropriate behaviors. All of us are enablers at one time or another when we do nothing to stop someone from hurting us or hurting themselves. This could be as simple as buying a drink for an alcoholic!

My son is married to a BPD, and he continues to buy her whatever she wants, let her get pregnant before their first child is even 7 months old, allows her to keep up a distructive feud with us, his parents, etc. He gives in to her in order to try to keep the peace with her.

What is your situation?
Best wishes, Tess
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Tess
chayka
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« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2012, 10:19:23 AM »

Thanks, Tess - that's very helpful!

I've just realized that my mum is uBPD, and it's a huge relief to finally discover that her destructive behaviour patterns have a name, and that other people are going through the same suffering I've had to cope with for the last forty-two years! I hope you're finding the help and support you need on these boards too.   Empathy
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This board is intended for general questions about BPD and other personality disorders, trait definitions, and related therapies and diagnostics. Topics should be formatted as a question.

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Tess Russell


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« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2012, 11:11:10 AM »

I'm sorry to hear about your mother, but I do hope it provides a lot of answers now that you know. I am so fearful for my grandchildren who will be dealing with the same. Plus, so far, we don't have much contact with our first grandson who is going to be a year old in February. They live a few blocks from us! She is due with their second son in April, and I'm sure her patterns of behavior will keep this one from us too. It's a terrible disorder, and I'm trying to learn forgiveness, compassion, and how to send love. Not easy lessons!
I wish you much healing!
Tess
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Tess
JAR

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« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2012, 11:27:25 AM »

Oh my gosh the definition of an enabler regarding trying to keep peace is definitely what I have been doing. I've constantly when our BPD(just recently diagnosed) daughter explained away her behaviours to her Dad, told him what to say or not say, when to not say anything because she's having a bad day etc. and ofcourse just recently because of the diagnosis it's not her fault it's the BPD and once she gets therapy she'll learn skills.
UUUM do I have a lot to learn.
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chayka
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« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2012, 03:10:58 PM »

Thanks, JAR and Tess, I really appreciate your input. I think I might post on the 'Parents, Relatives or In-laws' board as well to see if I can get some more examples of how enablers fit into the picture. All good wishes to you both, and may you and your relatives find healing and peace.

Chayka
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Lamps are lit in the darkest of places, in the deepest dungeons of all, where maybe even Satan yearns to become again an angel of light.  (Jim Cotter)
an0ught
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« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2012, 11:04:20 AM »

See workshop on this topic here: US: Are you supporting or enabling?
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