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Author Topic: I have been out officially for a year - maybe what I've learned will help others  (Read 615 times)
lavamika
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« on: January 06, 2012, 01:48:45 PM »

It was one year and two days ago that I really discovered what a lying, manipulative, user my exBPDbf was.  He painted himself as the victim and he was soooo good at it!  I fell for everything...gave everything I had of myself in order to support him emotionally.  Through the push and pull, suicide threats and depression, I was determined to stand by him through everything because I thought we were in love.

After I caught him cheating on me - the eyeopener was right after getting caught, he immediately blamed me for his insecurities and depression.  At least I still had enough self-respect left to identify the craziness of his suggestion.

When it ended, I was consumed with despair.  I couldn't imagine life w/o him and I even considered ways to end it.  I cried every day for six months.

Now, I'm happy again.  I'm in a great r/s with an emotionally healthy person.  We have boundaries and respect, and I have opened myself up to the possibility of falling in love again.

- I learned that we all deserve to be treated with care and respect.  If your partner isn't doing that, then they don't deserve to be with you.

- Emotionally healthy r/s can be just as exciting and fulfilling as BPD ones, if not more so.  Don't think that your love life is over now that the BPD is gone.  It's proably just beginning.

 - It's VERY important to do the work to discover why you let yourself become consumed by a BPD. Self-reflection and therapy are paramount here.  If you don't learn from this experience, you're destined to repeat it. 

-You BPD may have moved on to someone new, and they may even temporarily be happy.  Sure that stings and sure you wish you two could have worked out. Point is, their disorder would have made you miserable for life.  Be happy that you escaped and now focus on making yourself a better person.

- Trust yourself.  You know what you bring to the table in a r/s.  Have faith in yourself.

I don't miss my BPD r/s anymore.  I still have closure issues and I hold some anger for how he treated me, but I see so clearly now how miserable I was with him.  I let myself grieve the end of the r/s and I came out the other side so much happier and stable for it. 

And so can you.

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bpdsurvivor
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« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2012, 02:07:39 PM »


 - It's VERY important to do the work to discover why you let yourself become consumed by a BPD. Self-reflection and therapy are paramount here.  If you don't learn from this experience, you're destined to repeat it. 

Thanks for pointing this out! It is very important. I only now starting to process what made me be with her in first place. And it's a pretty strong pattern in my life, which I will have to address in therapy. Thanks for pointing out.


-You BPD may have moved on to someone new, and they may even temporarily be happy.  Sure that stings and sure you wish you two could have worked out. Point is, their disorder would have made you miserable for life.  Be happy that you escaped and now focus on making yourself a better person.

My ex  hasn't moved on yet, but I am 100% certain she will, even that she now has two children from two different men, there will always be an "idiot" that will fall for her. After all, she is still very attractive and charming, seducing, etc. I've always pictured how I would feel if I found out she was "happy" again with someone else, and the first thought of course was "I would wish it would have worked out with us", but you're right, I would be miserable for life. I am glad (not happy) that I was able to escape, because it was so difficult.

I just admire you that you are saying you're back in a healthy relationship. I really admire you! Because I don't know right now if I am even capable of having a relationship anymore. I was abused and traumatized and the "good" times were better than antything else I've ever experienced with anyone else before. It will be hard to match.
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lavamika
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« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2012, 02:18:58 PM »

@BPDsurvivor
I felt the same way you did about being able to be in a r/s.  It's sort of why I posted, even though I hadn't been on this site in over six months.  I wanted to let everyone know that it does get better, and you do eventually move on. 

It's a bit like any lost love (x100 in the case of BPD).  You never think you'll feel that way again, and then you meet someone randomly...

It sounds like you're on the right path.  Keep at it, keep supporting yourself and you'll get there.  There's no rush.
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bpdsurvivor
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« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2012, 02:34:28 PM »

I thought my divorce a couple of years ago was tough. But in comparison, this was just a walk in the park. The relationship with my BPDx hast totally messed me up, as you described it "lost love x 100".

I thought I had moved on, but now that I have to see her every week (child visitation), I am back in the misery. I have a feeling that I am getting a little better now, very slowly though.

There is no way on earth I will be ready for a new relationship anytime soon. I know, there is no rush, but I still want to have a family with someone, and I am not getting any younger...
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OTB
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« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2012, 03:34:23 PM »

- Emotionally healthy r/s can be just as exciting and fulfilling as BPD ones, if not more so.  Don't think that your love life is over now that the BPD is gone.  It's proably just beginning.

 - It's VERY important to do the work to discover why you let yourself become consumed by a BPD. Self-reflection and therapy are paramount here.  If you don't learn from this experience, you're destined to repeat it. 
Congrat Lavamika!  Doing the right thing   I am only 3 weeks NC and it seems like forever or sometimes just like yesterday.  I am in therapy to work on me now since I got the BPD out of my life.  It is refreshing to hear a good outcome.  I wish you health and happiness!
Thanks for posting!  OTB
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The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground. ~Author Unknown
Slow and steady wins the race.


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The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.
beenburned
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« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2012, 11:16:29 PM »

- Emotionally healthy r/s can be just as exciting and fulfilling as BPD ones, if not more so.  Don't think that your love life is over now that the BPD is gone.  It's proably just beginning.

 - It's VERY important to do the work to discover why you let yourself become consumed by a BPD. Self-reflection and therapy are paramount here.  If you don't learn from this experience, you're destined to repeat it. 
Congrat Lavamika!  Doing the right thing   I am only 3 weeks NC and it seems like forever or sometimes just like yesterday.  I am in therapy to work on me now since I got the BPD out of my life.  It is refreshing to hear a good outcome.  I wish you health and happiness!
Thanks for posting!  OTB


I'm about 1.5 years out..  She still contacts me sometimes..  I have moved on.  I once in a blue moon think of her as we were together for 5 years and married.  Thank god no kids. As far as seeing someone for help well I knew why I fell for her as I was at a low point in my life and she built me up and then kept taking it away.  I was always trying to get what she took back.  Once you realize that you don't need what she is giving then that makes it easier to move on in life.
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ve01603
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We're not in Kansas anymore.


« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2012, 05:48:49 AM »

I agree with all of you.  It is time and focusing on yourself and NC if possible.  

I have not seen or talked to mine in over three months, was very low contact for six months prior to that.  We broke up on May 1, 2010 but I recycled with him for three months (twice for a total of six months) late in 2010 and early in 2011.  I am really surprised and unhappy with how long it took me to get over this but we were together for six years and lived together for five and a half years so I guess this actually says something good about me.  So now I have been through all of the holidays without him, his birthday was Sunday, and mine is coming up.  For the last few years, he either tried to ruin all of the holidays or I didn't spend time on the holidays with him because he was stoned, but it still bothers me that he doesn't care about me at all but I know that it is because he is disordered and drunk and stoned almost all of the time.  I also know that it is better this way.  That way, when I do meet someone and want to date again, I won't have to worry about him showing up.  

I stayed away from the board for about three months and now I do find that being back here makes me a little anxious even though I consider myself to be 98% over this and credit this board for most of my progress. Doing the right thing
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