Not the ideal situation. Staying vigilant, dh and I are working together on this. It is hard to come here knowing that many believe we can put in place stronger boundaries. Hard to hear. But I will keep coming anyway. Must get something I need from being here.
It is your decision. But you are making a choice. You can do whatever you want. Your daughter is doing whatever she pleases. Has that occurred to you? It is hard to read the things your GD says to be honest. I know how painful this is to you, but have you decided in your mind how far this will all go before your daughter does have to deal with consequences? She took your car. She got a DUI and was doing drugs in it. Your GD has expressed her discomfort about her and her BF being in the house. She has been verbally abusive. She has acted with disregard to her child and to you.
Like I said, I have a BPD of the same age who does crack in my life and I NEVER thought that she would hurt me. And yet, after telling her that I would not buy her another flat screen TV to cover up for the fact that she sold the one her father gave her for crack, she hit me in the head with a lit cigarette while I was carrying HER infant daughter down the stairs after a supervised visit that I moved heaven and earth to arrange. If I had fallen with that child we both could have been hurt seriously. Her baby could have been hit with a lit cigarette. Then, the CPS worker is there with me discussing the incident with her and she flips a coffee table at us. Then, not 30 minutes after taking her to her psychiatrist and therapist who spend two hours talking things over with her, she goes across the river to get crack. I get a panicked call from her mother. This time it was different. We didn't call a cab. We called her probation officer and she is now sitting in jail in New Jersey awaiting a violation hearing in PA. She is going to jail. It is over. And I am glad. Enough is enough. The baby's father is willing to sign over custody, she is losing custody and the baby is being adopted by her sister. I have come to the sad conclusion that the only thing that would have happened if she had been allowed to return home is that she would have really hurt someone when she did not get her own way. This is very sad for us all, but at some point you have to let go and do what is best for the family. Keeping a dangerous addict around was not best for any of us, including the addict. She will be forced to get treatment in prison and I pray that it wakes her up. I don't feel sorry for her any more. That was our mistake all along. Too many excuses and rationalizations made for too long.
I feel a great sense of peace knowing that there will be no more desparate phone calls, trips to the hospital because she has hurt herself, having to watch my stuff so she won't steal it when she comes over, lie upon lie upon lie, lack of remorse, blame shifting, manipulation, rage in front of my children, rage in front of my elderly Mom (her grandmother), rehab after rehab, all of the BS that goes along with BPD. My sister, her mother, has told her that she is done with her. No visits this time. No care packages. No rent being paid when she gets out. No running to the pawn shop to get back the stuff she just sold. It took her a long time to get to this point, but she realizes that she has not been doing her a favor by cleaning up her messes. And she knows that baby Lily will be better off with my other neice and her husband, who are great parents. Karen made her own destiny in the end. She wanted crack more than she wanted help. I pray for her and I hope that this time in prison gives her structure, mental health help and perspective. One thing the doctor said to us that has really struck me is this "Sometimes you can love an addict to death." I think that is what we al were doing. Now she has to do her own work. There is lots of help available in prison. It is up to her.
And just so you know - I loved this girl with all my heart. I loved her from the day she was born. But the drugs and her father's abuse of her and her mother damaged her very deeply. I understand all of that. I understand where her disease comes from. But that doesn't change how I have come to feel about the choices she is making and the reality of the situation. It was not a matter of if, but when she seriously hurt someone. Sad but true.