Need advice on Match.com repsonse...

[Think About It...]

Hi guys  Hi!

I'm back on Match and it has already become frustrating.  I posted under another topic about not really knowing what "normal" is after growing up in a BPD/N household and dating BPD guys repeatedly 

Just an example.  I sent a "wink" to a cute guy who has full custody of a five year old.  He responded and seems to have a bit of a quirky personality.  He seemed surprised that I contacted him first and I mentioned that I am usually a little hesistant about dating guys with children but his daughter is adorable and he seems like a good father.

Well, here was his response to my comment:

"you've dated men with more "active lifestyles" than i. whether you knew it or not at the time is another question.

you should be more hesitant about men so far away than you are about men with kids. at the risk of having you realize that you can do better, you'd be competing for time far more with a guy from 200 miles away than a guy in new york with kids.

at least with fella that has "children," you get stability and a sense of responsibility - someone who is likely to not move around much and hold a steady job (i've been at mine for 5 years). but if you see a guy out with his kid who is letting them drink soda or swing on the handrails, he's not the kind i'm talking about. a man who doesn't have to give the child back at the end of the night contemplates having to spend the night in the emergency room or having a child that wont sleep and will be grumpy the next day because of it.

if you want my opinion (i know i know, far more than you asked for), i think its an avoidance strategy. you have a very warm profile and sincere smile. finding a mate in the worlds largest city would pose no problem for you. but talking to guys so far away allows you to tell your left brain that you are actively trying, while telling your right brain don't worry, we don't have to worry about him actually asking us out, or trying to get serious.

i was trained as a lawyer not a psychologist but i'm happy to counsel you through it if you'd like."

Was this a sarcastic response, witty, an opinion?  ?    Should I move on to someone else, I sent a nice response back that I do not typically date long distance but I appreciated his assessment.  I have not heard back from him.  I am not worried if he does not respond but I am trying to get a gauge of how to understand people.  Other people can just seem to see things for what they are but my normal gauge is haywired 

Thanks for any advice you guys may have, I am too embarrassed to ask friends.

[Loveisfree]

Hi guys  Hi!

I'm back on Match and it has already become frustrating.  I posted under another topic about not really knowing what "normal" is after growing up in a BPD/N household and dating BPD guys repeatedly 

Just an example.  I sent a "wink" to a cute guy who has full custody of a five year old.  He responded and seems to have a bit of a quirky personality.  He seemed surprised that I contacted him first and I mentioned that I am usually a little hesistant about dating guys with children but his daughter is adorable and he seems like a good father.

Well, here was his response to my comment:

"you've dated men with more "active lifestyles" than i. whether you knew it or not at the time is another question.

you should be more hesitant about men so far away than you are about men with kids. at the risk of having you realize that you can do better, you'd be competing for time far more with a guy from 200 miles away than a guy in new york with kids.

at least with fella that has "children," you get stability and a sense of responsibility - someone who is likely to not move around much and hold a steady job (i've been at mine for 5 years). but if you see a guy out with his kid who is letting them drink soda or swing on the handrails, he's not the kind i'm talking about. a man who doesn't have to give the child back at the end of the night contemplates having to spend the night in the emergency room or having a child that wont sleep and will be grumpy the next day because of it.

if you want my opinion (i know i know, far more than you asked for), i think its an avoidance strategy. you have a very warm profile and sincere smile. finding a mate in the worlds largest city would pose no problem for you. but talking to guys so far away allows you to tell your left brain that you are actively trying, while telling your right brain don't worry, we don't have to worry about him actually asking us out, or trying to get serious.

i was trained as a lawyer not a psychologist but i'm happy to counsel you through it if you'd like."

Was this a sarcastic response, witty, an opinion?  ?    Should I move on to someone else, I sent a nice response back that I do not typically date long distance but I appreciated his assessment.  I have not heard back from him.  I am not worried if he does not respond but I am trying to get a gauge of how to understand people.  Other people can just seem to see things for what they are but my normal gauge is haywired 

Thanks for any advice you guys may have, I am too embarrassed to ask friends.

[warrior]

I found it to be kind and thoughtful.  I do think I'm missing something, however.  Why the references to distance dating?  Does he live far away also?

[AwareNow]

If someone tells you 'up front' to be wary, for whatever reason, listen to your brain and find a path
where at least a 'green light' appears to be shining. This man was giving you the benefit of his wisdom
and telling you he is not an 'available' prospect. Listen and listen well and move on.

AN

[Loveisfree]

That's why was confused at first warrior.  I could not understand why he focused in on long distance.  The only thing I could come up with is that I put that I am seeking men who live up to 100 miles from NY.  But, I thought that was inclusive meaning NY and up to 100 miles away.  Really, I am open to a nice guy, regardless of where he may live, I just put that in the search engine when I opened the account.  

I was a bit put off by his focus on distance when it was never mentioned by me  ?

ETA:  He lives in DC about 4 hours away.

[Loveisfree]

Thanks Awarenow.

I am not sure why he responded to my wink if that was the case.  He asked if I sent the wink to be friendly or to pursue dating (strange to ask since we are both on a dating site).  I guess maybe this was his way of saying he was not available but I do wish he had just said that and moved on.  It was confusing.  I worried that I insulted him when I said I don't typically date men with children.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[AwareNow]

I am sure it is not the same with all cases but, I have personally found the dating web-sites to be dismal (for me at least)
The truth is, everyone has their 'wish list, expectation and requirements out front which in most cases, they themselves
don't qualify for. It feeds the fantasy realm of 'Hollywood' Romance and has little to do with 'real people and real potentials' If you realize that each and every person on or off a web-site has their own issues and baggage they bring with them, no matter how 'cute or sexy' they may appear. And, rest assured, in time, some sooner than others, those issues will appear.  Granted, we all must have at least beginning chemistry but after that one should tactfully find out about previous relationship, marriages and most important, parental relationships. This is whee the 'Good, Bad & Ugly' is first formulated.   

If you take the sites as more a form of 'entertainment' and just testing the waters, you'll most likely be better off
with the 'chance meetings, introductory by friends or a common interest group. That path may take longer but I am convinced in the long run you will waste less time, effort and emotional capital.

AN.

[Loveisfree]

I was looking back at previous emails and I guess I missed this part where he wrote me back:


"so were you just winking to say what's up. if so that's cool. or are you actually looking to date someone as far from you as d.c. if the latter, i'm **** (actually, i'm **** either way)."

I give up    I just do not understand men period.  Only direct responses from guys.  I miss the days of "I like you, do you like me?"  "Let's date"      

I guess I have been gaslighted so much over my life, I feel I can never take anything at face value anymore, always wondering what the hidden message/meaning is     Just kind of tired of being single.

[Loveisfree]

I am sure it is not the same with all cases but, I have personally found the dating web-sites to be dismal (for me at least)
The truth is, everyone has their 'wish list, expectation and requirements out front which in most cases, they themselves
don't qualify for. It feeds the fantasy realm of 'Hollywood' Romance and has little to do with 'real people and real potentials' If you realize that each and every person on or off a web-site has their own issues and baggage they bring with them, no matter how 'cute or sexy' they may appear. And, rest assured, in time, some sooner than others, those issues will appear.  Granted, we all must have at least beginning chemistry but after that one should tactfully find out about previous relationship, marriages and most important, parental relationships. This is whee the 'Good, Bad & Ugly' is first formulated.   

If you take the sites as more a form of 'entertainment' and just testing the waters, you'll most likely be better off
with the 'chance meetings, introductory by friends or a common interest group. That path may take longer but I am convinced in the long run you will waste less time, effort and emotional capital.

AN.

I totally agree AN.  I tend to ignore most repsonses but this guys sparked my interest.  We were keeping things light until he threw out this email.  I also want to use this site to get back into the dating field, I have been keeping to myself for over a year and trying to start getting back into the swing of things.  I find that I still do not get guys, what they want, do they just want sex or to date, are they interested, are there BPD/N red flags       

Real life is just as difficult  ;p

[AwareNow]

Absolutely! The old saying "If something seems too good to be True! It usually is! It's natural for people to put their best foot forward in the beginning but if you are amazed at how 'good, attentive' and wonderful they seem to be, don't necessarily be completely skeptical but use your best judgment devoid of 'chemistry' alone. I have been down that path much to my  regret.

AN

[suzn]

I'd be put off by him assessing who you are after only a couple emails? He offered to counsel you? WTH is that about?

[seeking balance]

How much of what he says is true?
I find, if there is a hint of truth it is much more difficult to let go of then if it were complete BS.

If it is complete BS - live and learn.  No response necessary; detach...use the lessons here, do you really want to try and reason with this guy?  What do you owe him?

The great thing about match - if it is a red flag on the first interaction, move along my friend...no harm/no foul.

[Loveisfree]

I'd be put off by him assessing who you are after only a couple emails? He offered to counsel you? WTH is that about?

Well, this is how I felt when reading the response.  We had been talking about our cats, a total of 3 emails each  ?   My friends say I am hard on guys so I tried to be positive and send a nice response.

[Loveisfree]

How much of what he says is true?
I find, if there is a hint of truth it is much more difficult to let go of then if it were complete BS.

If it is complete BS - live and learn.  No response necessary; detach...use the lessons here, do you really want to try and reason with this guy?  What do you owe him?

The great thing about match - if it is a red flag on the first interaction, move along my friend...no harm/no foul.

Well, that's the thing, I really don't care where the guy lives, I saw his pic and then read his profile and thought I was being more open than usual by giving a guy with a child a try.  I just had difficulty understanding his tone.  I thought maybe he was upset when I said I don't typically date guys with kids.  I thought therewas an undertone of sarcasm but maybe not.

Def a live and learn, just trying to learn as much as I can  . Thanks

Unfortunately, I already responded, wish I hadn't, think I was feeling guilty.  I definitely don't owe him anything, I am going to get back to the lessons

[suzn]

   He tells ya what a nice guy he is and how well he takes care of his child. Tells you you are avoidant (seems he wants you to prove him wrong) Then he compliments you and proceeds to tell you all about you. He seems to be talking down to you (you need him to help you)...mmm maybe a codependent hook hes throwing out there to see if you take the bait? He doesnt really seem to think he has a chance in heck since he lives so far away so hes tryin to get you to make a move since you did indeed speak first...and yea you might wana ask yourself why you feel "guilty" about someone you dont know at all. Why do you feel obligated so quickly? just food for thought. 

[Loveisfree]

   He tells ya what a nice guy he is and how well he takes care of his child. Tells you you are avoidant (seems he wants you to prove him wrong) Then he compliments you and proceeds to tell you all about you. He seems to be talking down to you (you need him to help you)...mmm maybe a codependent hook hes throwing out there to see if you take the bait? He doesnt really seem to think he has a chance in heck since he lives so far away so hes tryin to get you to make a move since you did indeed speak first...and yea you might wana ask yourself why you feel "guilty" about someone you dont know at all. Why do you feel obligated so quickly? just food for thought. 

Yes!  This is where my mind was going.  My guilt is what made me start to feel horrible for even mentioning his child, I wrote back with the intention of apologizing and making up for my faux pas  .  This is good, I am going to process this experience and move on.

You guys are great!  I am so not paying for therapy j/k .  I really appreciate everyone's input, I felt bummed this morning.  Dating is hard, non or otherwise.  I think I am going to need a more direct guy in my life, I hate trying to read between the lines.  I feel like I am back with BPD/N mom again, trying to decider the hidden message.  Sucks, but I guess this us the reality for many if us nons. 

[suzn]

  Theres nothing wrong with being hesitant about someone with children. It was an honest statement on your part. People who have children and are mature, healthy minded individuals, would understand and respect that. Dont beat yourself up for being honest. 

[JustSaying]

I found it presumptuous and pretentious. First contacts should be learning about each other, not them telling you about you! If they'll do that without having even met you, imagine the additional material they'd gather over the course of weeks or months!

Curiosity (or boredom) got to me the other night and I looked at one of these sites (eHarmony). Couldn't get past the first few pages without feeling nauseated. Reminded me of taking the MMPI-2 as part of the psych evaluation. Heck, I should just post those results on a dating site...or the whole custody evaluation, for that matter. 

[Loveisfree]

  Theres nothing wrong with being hesitant about someone with children. It was an honest statement on your part. People who have children and are mature, healthy minded individuals, would understand and respect that. Dont beat yourself up for being honest. 

Thanks!

I found it presumptuous and pretentious. First contacts should be learning about each other, not them telling you about you! If they'll do that without having even met you, imagine the additional material they'd gather over the course of weeks or months!

Curiosity (or boredom) got to me the other night and I looked at one of these sites (eHarmony). Couldn't get past the first few pages without feeling nauseated. Reminded me of taking the MMPI-2 as part of the psych evaluation. Heck, I should just post those results on a dating site...or the whole custody evaluation, for that matter. 

    It really is!   I have been on Match since right before the holidays and the personalities abound!   I responded to 2 guys since I joined after careful scrutiny.  The older I get, the more difficult it is to meet guys, went downhill from college     I'm just going to look at it as study material, I do wish I could get my money back 

[beyondbelief]

The good news is you found out upfront that you won't be wasting any time with him.  He is likely dealing with his own issues and perhaps projecting them to others. 

There of lots of people on dating sites and undoubtedly most of them will not be a good fit for you.  On the other hand there are probably at least one who would be.  Its no different than in real life encounters except you can find people you would not be able to in your daily life.  So I would suggest you gie it a chance at least until your subscription is up.

[AwareNow]

LoveIsFree,

Your statement "as I get older" actually says it all (from my perspective) Although it's undeniable that the 'web' gives a very broad stroke to survey a host of 'potentials' with the click of a mouse. However, if stats could be given, I would venture that those advertisements of "more marriages, more relationships, etc. blah, blah, blah, that the numbers of 'also rans' would be in exponential quotients compared to the rest.

Let's face it, we all want to 'Find' that 'compatible, desirable, sensual, attentive partner, who doesn't. When one is still youthful in terms of firmness, sexual appeal and desirability, the options for partners is greatly higher although no guarantee of relationship success or compatibility. I know of no more powerful drug than sexual attraction. Along with that is also the danger (if viewed solely) a rapid 'crash and burn' once reality and life status settles in.

Truthfully, aging is a barometer that can allow for some deeper perceptions and judgments. However, for most of us we are still shackled with youthful romantic ideals and sexually driven fantasies about potential partners. It is indeed a slippery slope and one that I personally feel feeds the coffers of the internet services accounts. But hey, don't just
take what I say for fact, what has been your personal experience?

Finding a genuine partner to share life with is a daunting task. Kudos to all those fortunate enough to find it prior to
applying for a 'walker'

AN