Should I apologize?

[Think About It...]

Yesterday I found an old video I shot of our cats while we were away to see what they would be doing. At the beginning of the video I walk towards the exit of our home and talk to my (now ex) girlfriend. (The video was shot one day before I broke up with her).

We were about to leave the house and were talking about something. I came across as a smart ass and we almost started to argue. It was clear to me, watching this video, that I was the cause of this heated discussion. I know I tend to be a smart ass, especially challenging people who are experts in their fields and coming from my laymen's knowledge, I sometimes believe I know it better, even if it doesn't make any sense (But I REALLY do believe I am right at this moment). That's an issue I know I have.

Now watching at this video as an "observer" I feel I should apologize to her for being such a smart ass all the time, but I broke up with her over 6 months ago, however we still see each other every weekend when I am visiting my daughter.

I don't know why I want to do this, maybe to tell her that it wasn't all her fault. But that's also the dilemma, because she always blamed me for everything and would never apologize for her mistakes...

[bpdsurvivor]

Yesterday I found an old video I shot of our cats while we were away to see what they would be doing. At the beginning of the video I walk towards the exit of our home and talk to my (now ex) girlfriend. (The video was shot one day before I broke up with her).

We were about to leave the house and were talking about something. I came across as a smart ass and we almost started to argue. It was clear to me, watching this video, that I was the cause of this heated discussion. I know I tend to be a smart ass, especially challenging people who are experts in their fields and coming from my laymen's knowledge, I sometimes believe I know it better, even if it doesn't make any sense (But I REALLY do believe I am right at this moment). That's an issue I know I have.

Now watching at this video as an "observer" I feel I should apologize to her for being such a smart ass all the time, but I broke up with her over 6 months ago, however we still see each other every weekend when I am visiting my daughter.

I don't know why I want to do this, maybe to tell her that it wasn't all her fault. But that's also the dilemma, because she always blamed me for everything and would never apologize for her mistakes...

[momtario]

I don't know why I want to do this, ..., because she always blamed me for everything and would never apologize for her mistakes...

I think your answer is right there in your own words. You want to apologize to her because she would never have admitted to being wrong and apologized to you, even when she realized she was wrong several hours weeks or months later.

Although many people think there is, There actually isn't a statute of limitations on apologizing... and it's not something that only makes one person feel better; you will walk away from apologizing feeling better as well.

Try something like "I just wanted you to know that I have been doing some thinking and although it doesn't change the way you behaved or the way I feel about that, I realize now the part I played in our arguments, and I am sorry for saying such offensive things..." only change the words to more specifically fit your own situation. Good luck with this, and I hope it really helps your healing process 

[bpdsurvivor]

momtario, thanks for your input. I am going to say exactly that. Very well put!

[yeeter]

I am all for this.  If you are doing it for YOU.  Its like forgiveness - its for the person doing it.

Just dont do it if you are expecting her to reciprocate and take any ownership or responsibility, that is highly unlikely to happen.  She might even throw something righteous back at you, so be prepared to not get sucked into the emotions of this either.

Free yourself - its healthy to admit when you are wrong.  (but again, dont expect this to change the way she sees things)

[bpdsurvivor]

No, I am only doing this for myself. I stopped expecting anything. I need this for my inner peace. Maybe she will be grateful, maybe she will say "What are you doing? You're not planning to get back with me, are you?".

What I realized is, that she doesn't know anything about "normal" people's behavior. When I was over at her house for Christmas, introduced my parents to her, she was positively surprised that my parents were treating her very nicely and also spent some time with her son, playing with him and helping him with his homework. Everytime someone is nice to her or her family, she is lighting up and grateful, but always surprised.

So, she might be surprised when I apologize for my past behavior. Especially after 6 months and especially because I was the one who broke it off. She never understood why I left and always thought it was because I didn't want to have a family life. But everytime I am at her house, that's ALL I do: Be a family man, playing with her son, cuddling my baby daughter.