Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 23, 2014, 04:33:50 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Moderators: DreamGirl, Rapt Reader
Advisors: formflier, Kwamina, livednlearned, maxen, Mutt, pessim-optimist, Turkish, Waverider
Ambassadors: free-n-clear, lever, Moselle, NorthernGirl, tristesse, Ziggiddy
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Login Register  
bing
Video: "Could it be Borderline Personality Disorder?" 17 million people in the US are affected by Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD traits.This is a disorder of extreme fear of rejection and limited executive function. People suffering with these traits of this disorder often have a lifetime of unstable relationships. This video describes the disorder in detail.
51
Poll
Question: Which of these resilience factors does your child have? (see descriptions in first post)
Temperment - 25 (13%)
Intelligence - 42 (21.9%)
Sociability - 29 (15.1%)
Creativity - 32 (16.7%)
Attitude - 24 (12.5%)
Support - 38 (19.8%)
Other (please comment) - 2 (1%)
Total Voters: 52

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: POLL: Which of these resilience factors does your child have?  (Read 3826 times)
blackandwhite
Distinguished Member
Administrator (Retired)
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 5584


Back to my old colorful self


« on: January 21, 2012, 10:27:31 AM »

When a parent has a mental illness, it impacts the entire family, especially children. Children are more likely to thrive when they have specific resilience factors, such as those listed below.

Take the poll, noting which resilience factors your child has. The poll may not allow you to answer for multiple children, so choose one if that is the case. Feel free to discuss all the children affected in your comments.

1. How does learning about these resilience factors affect how you think about parenting?
2. Which of these resilience factors do you think you can impact? How?


Resilience Factors for Children when a Parent Is Mentally Ill

  • Temperament: Children with a more tranquil temperament will appear to cope with their situation more constructively.
  • Intelligence: Children who have the ability to understand the problem facing them will have better coping strategies to deal with the turmoil.
  • Sociability: Children who are able to initiate contact with peers and other supports (e.g., other adults) have greater resources to deal with a crisis.
  • Creativity: Children who can organize their own games and hobbies can cope better with parental isolation during times of crisis, or separation.
  • Attitude: Children with the ability to view the family problems as something to overcome or solve do better than those who view the problem as a paralyzing event.
  • Support: Children with at least one other adult to respond effectively to their needs fare better, especially if it is the other parent.


Adapted from A Lasting Impression: A Teacher's Guide to Helping Children of Parents with a Mental Illness, Canadian Mental Health Association.
« Last Edit: January 22, 2012, 08:31:21 AM by blackandwhite » Logged

What they call you is one thing.
What you answer to is something else.
                           --Lucille Clifton


cyndiloowho
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1280



« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2012, 12:40:59 PM »

Its interesting that my daughter and I were discussing this topic, just last night. She is 26 and was describing what she perceives as her issues: co-dependency, grief over losing her brother in 2004, insecurities within herself...

Still, she commented that she thinks, in spite of the chaos, drunkenness, and instability, that she is proud of herself, and her other living brother, that they are doing well. She recognizes that they could have developed drug or alcohol problems, or even incarceration. Yet, both of my kids are happy in the lives they have created.

She credits the connection and bond that they have as siblings. Our kids have always been very loving and supportive of one another. It was always important to me, as a parent, to promote this. I think I knew that, although I was not always a good parent, that they needed one another. This was something I didnt have growing up, and it was important to me to foster a close relationship between my children. For instance, one tradition we established when the kids were little was that at Christmas-time, they each were to get a gift for one another. They were given a budget, say $100 each, which they were to spend on their brother and sister. This became the most fun and remembered Christmas tradition, which they still have fun with as adults. It really made Christmas more about giving than getting for them. I remember how much thought they would put into what to get for each other. Of course, it was always such fun for them to keep their gift a secret surprise. And it was always so interesting to see how well they knew one another, how well they knew what the perfect gift would be. So, even though they didnt always have the support they needed from their parents, they always had each other, and still do.

Also, my kids had peer support too. Since I was moved around a lot in school, it was important to me to allow them to stay in the same school system until they graduated high school. In doing that, they have developed close, life long friendships with kids they grew up with. And since we lived in a neighborhood that was on the lower socioeconomic scale, many of their peers had similar issues as our kids. Many families in our neighborhood struggled with issues like poverty, alcohol and drug abuse, and general chaos and instability. Our kids were not the only ones facing these challenges. It helped them to know they were not alone in their struggles, or that they were not so different from others. The community my kids grew up in (which they fondly refer to as "the ghetto") was like a village... several of us parents co-parented each others kids. All the neighborhood kids knew that if chaos was brewing at their home, they could go somewhere else and feel safe. Our kids did this also, going to a friend's house for the night, when sht was hitting the fan at home.

I think intelligence played a role for my kids, too. They seemed smart enough to know that they had some control over their destiny, that they could rise above. I went to college for 5 years during my kids' pre-teen and high school years. Although I have often felt guilty for all the time that took me away from my kids, they have said that that planted a seed for them, in seeing that they could work hard and study hard and that would help them create a foundation for the betterment of their lives.

I am very proud of my kids. They are independent, hard working individuals who take responsibility for their lives and families. They are loving, kind, thoughtful and respectful adults, who continue to maintain a close bond with each other. My son's wife calls my daughter "sista" and she feels very much a part of her brother's family. Even though they live 2000 miles apart, they are very much a family! In spite of the often fkd up childhood they had, they are doing well.
Logged


Gettingthere
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 427



« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2012, 02:13:52 PM »

I think emotional intelligence is an important factor too, and impacts on some of the others. DD5 seems to have more E.Q than DS9 did at that age, and yes some of it is temperament but i do think E.Q helps a lot.  If you can express and name your feelings, you can tell an adult and maybe get some support. From what i've observed, it also seems that problem solving attitudes are more prominent when children are more aware of their emotions.

I do make a concious effort to try and discuss feelings and reactions with our children, and getting them out for their hobbies - all of which are group activities so that they mix with peers who on the whole are different to their school peers.

I've tried to reflect on which i had as a child (uNPD/bpdm).  I wasnt able to go out and socialise outside of school, and the family was so enmeshed that it was just my mum or my g/parents that formed my world.  I was fortunate enough to hav temperament, intelligence and attitude - which demonstrates how important they are; yet there is little that we can do about them with our children apart from perhaps trying to coach and role model the correct attitude.

This is a really interesting and essential topic  Doing the right thing
Logged

Even a smile is charity smiley

tuum est61
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 995


tuum est! (latin:it's up to you)


« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2012, 03:21:33 PM »

Thanks so much for posting this.  My daughters and I have struggled greatly with my wife's BPD in the 5 1/2 years I have been married to her.  I have often felt quite a bit of guilt about maintaining my relationship - I still do - it has lead to quite a bit of alienation and separation within my family, but I am working on setting up boundaries and detachment to mitigate those things. 

My daughters exhibit most of the resilience factors - my youngest (d14) who is still at home is the most artistic and I know her drawing and her piano are sustaining her.  I have definitely struggled to maintain her access to those things - since my wife is hot and cold on doing so.

Again thanks for this post - I will keep working hard on setting the boundaries but now with some affirmation that they will rise above it all. 

Logged
blackandwhite
Distinguished Member
Administrator (Retired)
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 5584


Back to my old colorful self


« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2012, 03:26:18 PM »

Great comments so far--thanks for taking the poll.

I'm curious about these specific questions as well:


1. How does learning about these resilience factors affect how you think about parenting?

For example, how can you incorporate your understanding of resilience specifically into your parenting?

2. Which of these resilience factors do you think you can impact? How?

For example, we may not be able to change innate intelligence, but we can affect how our child's understanding of the family situation evolves. What about attitude--Gettingthere mentioned modeling attitude, which is really important. Anything else we can do to help with attitude? What about the other factors?
Logged

What they call you is one thing.
What you answer to is something else.
                           --Lucille Clifton


tuum est61
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 995


tuum est! (latin:it's up to you)


« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2012, 04:10:48 PM »

Great comments so far--thanks for taking the poll.

I'm curious about these specific questions as well:


1. How does learning about these resilience factors affect how you think about parenting?

I am letting go of a bit of my guilt around something I was using to rationalize maintaining my relationship with my BPw which was "Whatever won't kill them will make them stronger."  I guess I was doing that because my childhood included a strongly overbearing and strict (but loving) father.  But based on what I have read here, I will change my base rationale to "The things I bring to them will make them stronger."   

2. Which of these resilience factors do you think you can impact? How?


Mostly I will continue my support and provide information to help them work on attitude. I will continue to support my d14's artistic efforts. To help with attitude, I have shared the link to FtF with one of my older daughters, and when if feels right, I will share it with the others.  At times I have wavered between setting boundaries by fighting and allowing abuse by trying to keep the peace.  With what I am learning on FtF, I have committed to using various validation and detachment tools as a new way of setting boundaries for them and will seek to end the abuse.
Logged
NorthernGirl
AMBASSADORÂŞ
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Home Board: FM-Coping
Posts: 718



« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2012, 03:48:02 PM »

I have 3 stepkids, and each has different resilience factors. The oldest has great sociability and support, and also has the intelligence, all that have helped him be more resilient than his siblings.  The middle son has few of these factors, which may explain his dependence on drugs and alcohol (he's in treatment.) He does have intelligence and he appears to have a tranquil temperament, but that is often masking his true anxiety. The youngest has development delays and that affects a lot of these factors. He has good support from DH and me, but few friends, little creativity, some anxiety, etc.

How does learning about these resilience factors affect how you think about parenting?

Counseling has provided help to the two youngest to help them gain some coping skills. We use the examples provided by a T to help remind the kids of things they can do that help (e.g. exercise.) DH got the youngest back in school (his ex had pulled him out to kind-of homeschool him) and that has helped him gain more social skills.

Which of these resilience factors do you think you can impact? How?

I think we can impact Support, Attitude and Sociability. Support by providing support ourselves and helping find other support. Attitude by setting a good example of how we deal with stresses, and reminding them of the impact of their attitude. Sociability by helping find opportunities. The other factors -- Intelligence, Creativity and Temperament -- seem more ingrained and harder for someone else to impact. But I would be open to hearing whether others have ways to influence those.

Thanks for bringing up the topic!
Logged


BehindTheWall
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1123


« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2012, 07:37:07 PM »

I think emotional intelligence is an important factor too, and impacts on some of the others. DD5 seems to have more E.Q than DS9 did at that age, and yes some of it is temperament but i do think E.Q helps a lot.  If you can express and name your feelings, you can tell an adult and maybe get some support. From what i've observed, it also seems that problem solving attitudes are more prominent when children are more aware of their emotions.

I second that.  I have a uBPD mother and while I have academic intelligence, my EQ is low (though therapy is helping with that).  I knew I was depressed, suicidal, etc. as a teen but never thought to connect it with what was going on at home.  I had never heard of emotional abuse at that point; no one had ever told me that it was wrong for my mom to tell me I was stupid, not let me make decisions, etc.  So I didn't even know what my problems really were, and even if I did I would not have thought of asking an adult for help.

With no real emotional support from any adult, and being naturally introverted to boot, I effectively shut myself down and tried to be as emotionally self-sufficient and have as few needs as possible.  That got me through my childhood but I am paying the price as an adult.  So yes, helping kids to be aware of their emotions and giving them ways to work through them and deal with them is a very good idea.

Maybe this would go under intelligence or temperament, but I think another resiliency factor where BPD is concerned is the ability to walk on eggshells, i.e. avoid getting the parent into a rage.  Some kids may be naturally better at this than others.  As a compliant INTJ, I learned to keep my mouth shut and avoid my BPD parent, but I could see where this would be harder for kids that are naturally more outgoing and/or strong-willed.

Today I was comparing family dynamics with a friend who also has a mom with BPD.  He seems to have emerged relatively unscathed, and he said humor really helped him.  He learned to distance himself from his mom's emotional neediness and just laugh at the craziness, whereas I was sucked into it and became my mom's emotional caretaker.
Logged
blackandwhite
Distinguished Member
Administrator (Retired)
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 5584


Back to my old colorful self


« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2012, 08:16:19 AM »

Quote
I am letting go of a bit of my guilt around something I was using to rationalize maintaining my relationship with my BPw which was "Whatever won't kill them will make them stronger."  I guess I was doing that because my childhood included a strongly overbearing and strict (but loving) father.  But based on what I have read here, I will change my base rationale to "The things I bring to them will make them stronger."

That's a really wonderful shift, maligned61. In a family with normal dynamics, it's not at all unusual for the father to play the role your father did, being the parent who fosters the discipline and perhaps also helps the child to stretch, take risks beyond the safety of the home environment, and learn hard lessons.

Those are important parenting functions, but you're right, the principle of "whatever won't kill them will make them stronger" is actually false. I love your replacement "The things I bring to them will make them stronger."

I do think we can impact many of the resilience factors. For example, we can encourage our children's creativity by giving them the time, space, permission, and encouragement to be creative. Many adult children of parents who were mentally ill during their childhood talk about the "thing" or "things" that helped them most. Often it is some kind of artistic expression, whether writing, building things from scraps or electronics, making art, learning to love music, and so on. That's just one example.
Logged

What they call you is one thing.
What you answer to is something else.
                           --Lucille Clifton


BehindTheWall
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1123


« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2012, 10:38:54 AM »

I do think we can impact many of the resilience factors. For example, we can encourage our children's creativity by giving them the time, space, permission, and encouragement to be creative. Many adult children of parents who were mentally ill during their childhood talk about the "thing" or "things" that helped them most. Often it is some kind of artistic expression, whether writing, building things from scraps or electronics, making art, learning to love music, and so on. That's just one example.


I think this is especially important where BPD/NPD are concerned as the parent with one/both of those will usually discourage the child's self-expression.  Encourage your child in whatever artistic/creative talents or interests they have and give them the time, materials, space, etc. to pursue them.  This applies to any outlet, any form of stress relief or self-expression, whether it's letting them play sports, put posters in their room, write in a journal (with a lockbox with a combination lock to keep it in), etc.
Logged
Links and Information
Tools
Validation
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Triggering and Wisemind
Values and Boundaries
Becoming more empathetic?
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

Video
What is BPD - Family
What is BPD - Romantic
What is BPD - Child
End the Cycle of Conflict
Validation Skills
Empathy Skills
Parental Alienation
Dialectal Dilemma (audio)

Book Reviews
Endorsed Books
Other Staff Reviews
Member Reviews
Articles - New
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Diagnosis of BPD
Treatment of BPD
Series: My Child
Series: My Parent/Sibling
Series: My Significant Other
Series: My Spouse
Series: My Failing Romance

Articles - Archive
Symptoms of BPD
A Clinical Perspective
Treatment of BPD
Leaving a Partner
Depression
Sexual Addiction
Healthy Relationships

Content - Messageboard
Top 50 Questions
Top Workshops
About Us
The Mission
Professional Endorsements
2,000 Member Testimonials
Policy and Disclaimers
Blog


Messageboard
Directory
Guidelines
Appeal Moderation
Help-Technical
Manual

Donations
Become a Sponsor
Your Account

Other
Domestic Violence Crisis
Suicidal Ideation

EMERGENCY
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.10 | SMF © 2006-2010, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!