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Think About It... Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This inevitably creates feelings of anger, fear, guilt or inadequacy and leaves us feeling betrayed, or taken advantage of by others.~ Lynne Forrest
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Author Topic: Why Do They Love Chaos So Damn Much?  (Read 3043 times)
avoidatallcost
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« on: January 23, 2012, 01:55:06 PM »

Ok, so I understand that borderlines really hate themselves and put up with A LOT of abuse while they grew up and dealt with this abuse by repressing it or blocking it out.  And I understand that they initiate chaotic relationships that are Groundhog Day-like scenario that repeat themselves over and over again and plunge us non-BP's into a world of continual relationship rebuilding after every breakup.  The BP creates a world of total dysfunction, and the world can be so crazy that they eventually feel like something must be wrong us, the nons, if we decided to stay in the relationship.  And of course, usually we do.  I also understand that Borderlines don’t like being broken up with, since it makes them feel unlovable and validates their suspicions that they aren’t worthy. So, what do they do?

They find someone new. And our hearts are broken.

They most likely think about us, and I know this through first hand experience of my ex's re-engagement attempts in the last few weeks.  And if the new relationship doesn’t work, the BP may come back to us, re-engaging us and sucking us back into their vortex of depression, suffering, and mental illness.  And so the the cycle continues.

It’s tough for us, but BP's move on easily because you have filled a part for them. Now they’ve found someone else to fill that part, and they don’t need you any more.

But why do they crave chaos in their relationships so much?  Why do they find it so hard to trust us, no matter what we do for them? 
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Finished
formerly "ABD Attractor", "Circus Topper", and "checkmate"
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« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2012, 02:12:18 PM »

I spent so many hours with our couples counselor exploring this. And even more time with my individual therapist.

I talked to two friends who are psychogogists (one a phd and the other ma level).

Here is what they all said ...


CONTROL

Chaos gives them control by keeping you off balance. You never know what is happening next; what is going on; or how to respond. They know what is truly going on and are manipulating the circumstances to their perceived benefit.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2012, 02:16:43 PM »

ok great answer.. but even when things were going super well in our relationship (this of course would only last a few days at the most), out of nowhere BAM! I would get a figurative punch to the head from my BP ex bringing us back to chaos from the serene peaceful life we had been enjoying.  Well the peaceful life we had been enjoying for a few hours anyways.

Why are they so uncomfortable being in a stable, loving relationship?  Does this not give them control?  Is it a trust issue.. do they think you're setting them up for abandonment so they try to rock the boat first?  I just don't get it..

I used to tell me ex BP, "why won't you just let me love you!"  And I'd never get a response.  It's like she subconsciously knew that all of her relationships ended up like this.  
« Last Edit: January 23, 2012, 02:39:34 PM by avoidatallcost » Logged
Finished
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« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2012, 02:22:04 PM »

ok great answer.. but even when things were going super well in our relationship (this of course would only last a few days at the most), out of nowhere BAM! I would get a figurative punch to the head from my BP ex bringing back to chaos from the serene peaceful life we had been enjoying.  Well the peaceful life we had been enjoying for a few hours anyways.



Same with my ex. If we had a peaceful time I would become anxious and fearful because I knew it was the set up for a really bad time. We even talked about it in couples counseling.

CONTROL

If things are calm then they aren't the center of attention. The world isn't focused on them. If the world isn't focused on them, then they aren't controlling things. So by creating chaos at all times and keeping it focused on them, they are the center of the universe. They are in control.

It's a huge amount of power.
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This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
avoidatallcost
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« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2012, 02:31:44 PM »

Oh wow this is incredible insight!  You're so lucky to have access to a therapist who knows so much about BPD.  And the fact that you go in together with your BP, this must have answered so many questions you had about their behavior!

I can't tell you how often I felt the same way.  The incredible rush of euphoria I felt when things were going well.. but I also felt a sense of melancholy, because I knew it wouldn't last!  And it never did.   My BP ex always found a way to reintroduce chaos into our relationship, no matter how hard I tried to avoid it!  But what I still don't understand is this: if they create chaos because this gives them a sense of power, then how can they feel in control if I (the non-BP in this relationship) is acting all crazy by trying to win them back?  Surely this loss of controlling my behavior takes away their sense of power and control!
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Finished
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« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2012, 02:39:17 PM »

Oh wow this is incredible insight!  You're so lucky to have access to a therapist who knows so much about BPD.  And the fact that you go in together with your BP, this must have answered so many questions you had about their behavior!

I can't tell you how often I felt the same way.  The incredible rush of euphoria I felt when things were going well.. but I also felt a sense of melancholy, because I knew it wouldn't last!  And it never did.   My BP ex always found a way to reintroduce chaos into our relationship, no matter how hard I tried to avoid it!  But what I still don't understand is this: if they create chaos because this gives them a sense of power, then how can they feel in control if I (the non-BP in this relationship) is acting all crazy by trying to win them back?  Surely this loss of controlling my behavior takes away their sense of power and control!

We went together to counseling but have been broken up for over 4 months.

Our couples counselor is also my individual therapist so that helps alot. She offered to work with my ex as well, but he refused. He stayed with his own private therapist which allowed him to manipulate her which he did (he even told her he did this).

You being out of control has nothing to do with their control. Infact, you being out of control trying to win them back actually puts your focus on them so strongly that they continue to be the center of attention. In addition, you will then do whatever you can to win them back. You will give them what they want. Be what they want. Forgive them for anything. They get off free and you have now compromised yourself. They are now in control.

The less control you have, the more control they have.

Keep in mind also, that pwBPD mirror us because they lack a strong internal sense of self. Having someone around who is in self control would eventually show a pwBPD just how little self control they have. How little internal awareness they have. It would expose them to their own internal pain.

So, the more they can get you to outwardly act like they feel in side, the more it validates their internal chaos making them feel better about themselves. It becomes a way of self-soothing the internal chaos.
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redberry
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« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2012, 02:42:14 PM »

I agree with this.  It's all about control.

When things are good for too long, I believe their disordered mind tells them that the playing field is even and, without "tests" of the relationship (chaos), they think at any point we could leave.  So they create chaos that "tests" the relationship and proves to them that we will stick around.  And, for many of us, it works.  Instead of sticking to healthy boundaries, we did whatever our exes wanted and begged and pleaded for them to calm down and love us again.  Often times this may have been followed with make up sex which, again, validates them.  Every step along the way fills a need and puts them in control while we continue to lose.

When do we regain control?  When we stop playing the game.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2012, 02:43:32 PM »

So, the more they can get you to outwardly act like they feel in side, the more it validates their internal chaos making them feel better about themselves. It becomes a way of self-soothing the internal chaos.

You know, Finished, with this one single sentence I think you managed to sum up all of my crazy behavior at the end of my relationship with my BP ex.  I can't thank you enough.
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redberry
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« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2012, 02:46:30 PM »

So, the more they can get you to outwardly act like they feel in side, the more it validates their internal chaos making them feel better about themselves. It becomes a way of self-soothing the internal chaos.

You know, Finished, with this one single sentence I think you managed to sum up all of my crazy behavior at the end of my relationship with my BP ex.  I can't thank you enough.

 Thought moment.  I agree!  Near the end of the r/s, I was acting more and more like him with instability of my emotions, lashing out, testing of our relationship...  If a T saw us in the final days, he would have had a hard time figuring out which one of us has BPD!
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2012, 02:50:00 PM »

So, the more they can get you to outwardly act like they feel in side, the more it validates their internal chaos making them feel better about themselves. It becomes a way of self-soothing the internal chaos.

You know, Finished, with this one single sentence I think you managed to sum up all of my crazy behavior at the end of my relationship with my BP ex.  I can't thank you enough.

 Thought moment.  I agree!  Near the end of the r/s, I was acting more and more like him with instability of my emotions, lashing out, testing of our relationship...  If a T saw us in the final days, he would have had a hard time figuring out which one of us has BPD!

So guys, by getting us (the non-BP) to act all crazy, we are actually soothing the internal chaos of the BP?  But how does having the BP create chaos in others actually make him or her feel better about their own internal chaos? 

I mean, if somebody is full of internal chaos, won't they desire serenity around them to act as a calming force? 
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