Why did she leave the one person who treated her the best?

[Think About It...]

I'm pretty sure I treated her better than anyone else. I was like a knight in shining armor at first. She had a terrible and chaotic childhood and adolescence than included sexual abuse from her ex-stepfather, substance abuse from her father, and a mother who exhibits strong traits of BPD. I was her first boyfriend, her first love, I felt happier than ever. I didn't know anything about BPD at the time so I thought her behavior was completely normal. I wish I had. When I told her I was getting nervous about our upcoming wedding she freaked, painted me black, claimed I screwed her over and that I called off the wedding when in my head I'm thinking "All I wanted to do was talk about my feelings and nerves and work through them". I truly did want to marry her but after she saw I had nerves about it I was a piece of crap in her eyes. She eventually came back around and we stayed together until I confessed to her I had slept with someone during our time apart. I was painted black again, she told me to get out of her life and that I was the devil. Then she moved halfway across the world and left me. Wouldn't even talk to me or respond to anything.

The calls would come months later saying how much she missed me. Then I wouldn't hear from her in months until I got an email in which she professed: "I am lucky to have ever shared such an innocent and sweet love with you. The further I get away from our past, the more I see what a kind and caring person you are. And that is so rare." What shocked me was that she thought our love was "sweet and innocent". It was my response to this that eventually led me to fly halfway around the world to see her, only for her to reject me shortly after arriving.

Heard from her 6 months later in which she claims she feels badly about what she did and that she wants to pay me back at some point. She claims that I was always so good to her and loving and that she didn't even treat me like a good person. She also claimed that I was so good to her and she doesn't know if anyone will ever live up to that.

It's been 2 years since she moved away and I'm still stuck. I'm still in pain. I don't know how to get over this person. I should hate her so much but I can't. It makes me believe that I am the crazy one. Maybe it's me who has BPD? Its been 2 years and I still think about this person every day and miss her terribly. I am trying to move on and it seems like she contacts me every couple of months. Why won't she leave me alone if she doesn't want to be with me?

I treated her so good. She even admits that in her emails, but then why won't she accept me and want to be with me? Why does the one person who treated her so good just get kicked to the curb? Why am I so hung up on this person? Sometimes I think that maybe she doesn't even have BPD and I am just saying she does to make myself feel better about everything. Sometimes, pointing the finger at BPD is the only way I can stop blaming myself for the end of the relationship and my ongoing unhappiness.

[Megatron]

I'm pretty sure I treated her better than anyone else. I was like a knight in shining armor at first. She had a terrible and chaotic childhood and adolescence than included sexual abuse from her ex-stepfather, substance abuse from her father, and a mother who exhibits strong traits of BPD. I was her first boyfriend, her first love, I felt happier than ever. I didn't know anything about BPD at the time so I thought her behavior was completely normal. I wish I had. When I told her I was getting nervous about our upcoming wedding she freaked, painted me black, claimed I screwed her over and that I called off the wedding when in my head I'm thinking "All I wanted to do was talk about my feelings and nerves and work through them". I truly did want to marry her but after she saw I had nerves about it I was a piece of crap in her eyes. She eventually came back around and we stayed together until I confessed to her I had slept with someone during our time apart. I was painted black again, she told me to get out of her life and that I was the devil. Then she moved halfway across the world and left me. Wouldn't even talk to me or respond to anything.

The calls would come months later saying how much she missed me. Then I wouldn't hear from her in months until I got an email in which she professed: "I am lucky to have ever shared such an innocent and sweet love with you. The further I get away from our past, the more I see what a kind and caring person you are. And that is so rare." What shocked me was that she thought our love was "sweet and innocent". It was my response to this that eventually led me to fly halfway around the world to see her, only for her to reject me shortly after arriving.

Heard from her 6 months later in which she claims she feels badly about what she did and that she wants to pay me back at some point. She claims that I was always so good to her and loving and that she didn't even treat me like a good person. She also claimed that I was so good to her and she doesn't know if anyone will ever live up to that.

It's been 2 years since she moved away and I'm still stuck. I'm still in pain. I don't know how to get over this person. I should hate her so much but I can't. It makes me believe that I am the crazy one. Maybe it's me who has BPD? Its been 2 years and I still think about this person every day and miss her terribly. I am trying to move on and it seems like she contacts me every couple of months. Why won't she leave me alone if she doesn't want to be with me?

I treated her so good. She even admits that in her emails, but then why won't she accept me and want to be with me? Why does the one person who treated her so good just get kicked to the curb? Why am I so hung up on this person? Sometimes I think that maybe she doesn't even have BPD and I am just saying she does to make myself feel better about everything. Sometimes, pointing the finger at BPD is the only way I can stop blaming myself for the end of the relationship and my ongoing unhappiness.

[avoidatallcost]

The better you treat them, the more they hate you and mistreat you.  You can't win with this disorder.. When I thought that maybe I was being too nice and this resulted in her taking me for granted, I then tried being mean ie ignoring her, being strong, not paying attention to her silent treatments, remaining silent and stone-faced when she would belittle me etc and this may work at first but in the long run the disorder will ALWAYS WIN.  The only way you can beat this disorder is if you're a sociopath and do not care one bit about your BP ex.  The only way normal people like us can beat this disorder is by staying the hell away from ppl w/ BPD.

Otherwise, you're a sitting duck for their manipulation, mental cruelty, lies, cheating, and emotinoal abuse.  

[Megatron]

It's hard. Why can't I get over this person? It's like I don't even know what love is and I feel like why bother being the nice, kind person I am to the next girl when they will just walk all over me?

[Newton]

Megatron, to us it is totally baffling and illogical why a partner would reject someone who is kind, caring, considerate and attentive.  Yet to someone who's behavior is being driven by engulfment/abandonment fears it makes perfect "sense"...

She won't leave you alone because she still has a NEED to know you are available, or at least interested...this NEED is little to do with you, and pretty much all to do with her...

Try not to pay so much attention to her words when she contacts you...she knows exactly what you want and need to hear...consider the behavior she is exhibiting week to week, month to month, year to year.  That behavior speaks volumes about her true intentions...

Healthy love doesn't hurt like these relationships do...

Have you read about "intermittent reinforcement"..?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[WalrusGumboot]

Being on the recipient end of the push/pull behavior is horribly painful. While their desire is to be loved and accepted, the pull behavior I believe closely matches their true desire. But they push away as well, and they really don't know why they do it. I'm sure she knows she is pushing away the best person she will probably ever find in her life.
I'm not trying to make excuses for them. There is only so much a person can take being with somebody with BPD. Over the long term, it can be unhealthy not only emotionally, but physically, mentally, and spiritually.

They are hard to get over because she made you feel better than anybody else has ever done (being the knight in shining armor). We falsely believe things can get back to those glory days. It really comes down to the realization that those days were a ruse, a trap, and not based on reality. And of course the passing of time, with NO CONTACT, will help you get over it.

[Megatron]

Being on the recipient end of the push/pull behavior is horribly painful. While their desire is to be loved and accepted, the pull behavior I believe closely matches their true desire. But they push away as well, and they really don't know why they do it. I'm sure she knows she is pushing away the best person she will probably ever find in her life.
I'm not trying to make excuses for them. There is only so much a person can take being with somebody with BPD. Over the long term, it can be unhealthy not only emotionally, but physically, mentally, and spiritually.

They are hard to get over because she made you feel better than anybody else has ever done (being the knight in shining armor). We falsely believe things can get back to those glory days. It really comes down to the realization that those days were a ruse, a trap, and not based on reality. And of course the passing of time, with NO CONTACT, will help you get over it.

You are right when you say they don't know why they push away. My ex told me in her "apology" email months after she rejected me after I flew halfway around the world for her that when she saw me she panicked and got scared. She said she got scared for no reason and that she reacted off that. Makes no sense to me.

[avoidatallcost]

It's hard. Why can't I get over this person? It's like I don't even know what love is and I feel like why bother being the nice, kind person I am to the next girl when they will just walk all over me?

That's the borderline gift.  These people are sent to us to help us focus on ourselves and love ourselves more.  Do not mistreat the next deserving girl just because you had the bad luck of being in a relationship with a BP.  Don't let her keep ruining your life by allowing her to control how you treat/mistreat future women in your life!

[Megatron]

The problem is no matter how hard I try to love myself more, I seem to come up short and slip into depression again. I imagine her being the happiest girl in the world and me being a miserable and depressed and missing her.

[saxon747]

I imagine her being the happiest girl in the world and me being a miserable and depressed and missing her.

Which will be the total opposite in time, trust me she is already miserable and you'll be happy!

[Newton]

Megatron I slipped into a very deep depression after my second  encounter with a pwBPD.

It has taken a combination of seeing a T weekly and confronting a lot of MY childhood issues, posting and reading here, a course of antidepressants, getting back to training regularly and intensive cbt (online and then with another T)...it will not happen overnight but you will get to a better place...

I am a work in progress...avoidatallcost is correct.  If we deal with the aftermath by focussing on ourselves we can end up as more balanced, healthy individuals than before the relationship with them.

What kinds of things do you think you could start doing now to look after yourself?  You will benefit from this, and so will a healthy partner that you meet in the future 

[Megatron]

How important is therapy to a nonBPD like me? I remember me and my ex tried couples counseling but she bailed on it, claiming she's "too young to have to deal with therapy", she tried it again but then bailed on it again by breaking up with me. I kept seeing that same therapist myself but I stopped a few months ago. I felt like it wasn't really helping me at all.

[Newton]

Well if you are feeling depressed and having difficulties moving on from her it might really help...(my ex lasted 3 sessions of couple T before finally raging and storming out)

If you didn't feel the T you were seeing was beneficial perhaps try a few more?

Have you read these articles...?

The Five Stages of Non-BPD Recovery

Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

Free On-Line Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Program (CBT)

These relationships can open up very old wounds in us...sometimes it is not as straightforward as just "getting over it"...

[stonehead]

Megatron,

I totally understand how you feel. The actions by pwBPD are entirelly illogical. They are driven by their emotions only. My pwBPD really wanted a very close relationship but when things really started to get closer, she suddenly push me away violently. She complained that I had been doing too much for her, which caused her tremendous anxierty, depression and fear. She said that my actions (i.e., doing everything for her) showed that I was totally insensitive to her FEELINGS. She than turned the table and blamed me for abandening her and throwing away our relationship.  I didn't understand what had happened and she refused to explain how my attentions and helping her with her problems had made her depressed and fearful. She then painted me blacker than the blackest black and cut me out from her life. I just felt being beaten over my head by someone with a stainless steel baseball bat.

I agree with you when you said: "no matter how hard I try to love myself more, I seem to come up short and slip into depression again. I imagine her being the happiest girl in the world and me being a miserable and depressed and missing her".

I has been almost 5 months, and I still very very sad and I feel very much stuck in this state. Meeting this person was worse than encountering of the 10th kind. She is lower than the lowest life form on earth and is worse than the scum in a septic tank.

[Megatron]

It's definitely not as straight forward as "getting over it" in my case. I seem to struggle almost daily and it has been 2 years. How am I not the crazy one? I'd be doing a lot better had I not been contacted by her every couple of months. I thought after I flew out to see her and she rejected me and I told her never to speak to me again and told her to F off, I thought she'd leave me alone for good but instead she sends an email months later saying sorry and that how no one will ever live up to how good I was to her, yet she doesn't love or want to be with me, so why is she telling me those things? She says she would hate to think that I was unhappy or that she has done anything to damage me for someone else. LOL. It's been two years and she is still contacting me as little as 3 months ago. I still don't get how she wouldn't want to be with someone who treated her as well as I did, even when she is admitting as much. Of course I read into everything.

[Megatron]

Megatron,

I totally understand how you feel. The actions by pwBPD are entirelly illogical. They are driven by their emotions only. My pwBPD really wanted a very close relationship but when things really started to get closer, she suddenly push me away violently. She complained that I had been doing too much for her, which caused her tremendous anxierty, depression and fear. She said that my actions (i.e., doing everything for her) showed that I was totally insensitive to her FEELINGS. She than turned the table and blamed me for abandening her and throwing away our relationship.  I didn't understand what had happened and she refused to explain how my attentions and helping her with her problems had made her depressed and fearful. She then painted me blacker than the blackest black and cut me out from her life. I just felt being beaten over my head by someone with a stainless steel baseball bat.

I agree with you when you said: "no matter how hard I try to love myself more, I seem to come up short and slip into depression again. I imagine her being the happiest girl in the world and me being a miserable and depressed and missing her".

I has been almost 5 months, and I still very very sad and I feel very much stuck in this state. Meeting this person was worse than encountering of the 10th kind. She is lower than the lowest life form on earth and is worse than the scum in a septic tank.

I feel for you. I am truly sorry that you have to endure any kind of pain. Hopefully things get better for the both of us very soon!

[stonehead]

Thank YOU, Megatron.

Unfortunately, this person is a relative, and I have to face her once a while during family getherings. I would greet her with all my heart and smiled at her, but she would ignore me infront of everybody. She treated me as though I was non-existing. Everytime just as when I felt a little bit better, then, bam!  I have to meet her. I couldn't escape. It felt like somebody just rips open my fresh wound!

Anyway, I am lucky to find this forum. I read as many posts as I could afford the time. Reading posts like yours really helped me tremendously. Once again,thank you, sooo much.

[Megatron]

I'm lucky I found this place too, although at times, I question everything. I question whether my ex even has BPD. Maybe she is normal and I'm just making her out to be crazy?

[stonehead]

I didn't find this site until after all the dusts had settled.  At that point, I didn't know what I was dealing with. She had me believe that I was the evil one. I thought how, dare did I question her motives. I thought, as a man I must be able to endure any abuse and be able to withstand someone repeatedly stabbing at my heart. I was determined to standby her no matter what. As a result, I never fought back. I endured all her abusive and disrespectful language, and admitted that I was wrong and asked for forgiveness. Towards the end, she practically told me that she was speaking for GOD. Looking back, I couldn't believe how low I allowed myself to sink.

 I was in such pain that I felt I had to find out what happened to me. I know she has depression so I started to search the web for that, and ultimately was led to this site. I also bought the book 'stop walking on eggshell'. I read it and Lo and behold, it describes the exact type of behaviors she is exihibiting. This book and the posts in this forum really helped me understand what kind of a monster I was dealing with, and that I was not the problem in our relationship, She is the one who has real issues.

[Robhart]

Paradoxically BPDs are both the seekers and destroyers of happiness.

[Clearmind]

How important is therapy to a nonBPD like me? I remember me and my ex tried couples counseling but she bailed on it, claiming she's "too young to have to deal with therapy", she tried it again but then bailed on it again by breaking up with me. I kept seeing that same therapist myself but I stopped a few months ago. I felt like it wasn't really helping me at all.

Megatron, it’s possible this therapist is not a good fit for you. Scout around and find someone you click with – my first T reminded me of my aunt! It didn’t work for me.

Couples counselling when in a r/s with a BPD is invalidating for you both. You need a T that is well versed in the BPD/nonBPD dynamic and who is up on core trauma attachment. As much as analyse our BPDex’s our own attachment does need to be looked at.

Of course, T is completely up to you – there is also a part of us that resists change because change can be overwhelming and scary. T does mean we are placed in a vulnerable position – this is a good thing – a wake up call is necessary to heal, move forward, become more aware of you and why you spent your time saving someone instead of concentrating on you and your life and needs.

Why did she leave the one person who treated her the best? ~ how much could you give before you became a remnant of yourself? Is trying to be perfect, not permitting yourself to make mistakes to not upset her, walking on eggshells ~ really what life is about?

A healthy relationship is about mutual trust and respect and friendship ~ what does friendship mean to you?