Why did she leave the one person who treated her the best?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

These posts mirror mine as well. Of course mine has just recently dumped me...so what the heck have I got to look forward to now? I have started to see a psychologist, but I think what I have feared for the past few months is going to be my reality for the next couple of years. I don't want to hurt anymore. Only 3-4 months of this is destroying me. I am sick to my stomach.

For her, its like there never was love or a relationship...like a damned lightswitch turned off, and the relationship we had is thrown in the recycle bin. No empathy, no sympothy, just a hard exterior looking at me with disgust and wondering why the hell I don't leave her alone. Only once in a year ever held me because I was hurting (because I knew she didn't love me and I was crying like a baby in her bed). That being near the very end of our relationship.

I am TOTALLY devastated. Have continuously pursued her, though over the past 3 weeks my attempts have been kept to one a week. ...other times it was 1-2 times a day of trying to contact her...to tell her I still love her. To apologize, to tell her I'll try harder, just to say I miss her, or that it is a beautiful night out, or would you like to go out...but lately it is only, can you please communicate with me.

My heart has been ripped out of my chest and spit on by her...yet I still love her with all my heart and soul. She doesn't have "any" feelings at all...she has said she was sorry, but I think she just spits them out like a trained parrot...with no meaning. I know I'm all F'd up and I want help, but feel I don't have the strength to help myself even with friends and a psychologist. Now my fears are sort of confirmed that I'm going to feel this crappy for a looooong time. I've talked to one of her ex husbands who divorced her in 93 and he still carries feelings for her. A guy she dated 3 years ago...still has feelings for her.

I have to get better or I am going to go insane.

[ODGreen]

These posts mirror mine as well. Of course mine has just recently dumped me...so what the heck have I got to look forward to now? I have started to see a psychologist, but I think what I have feared for the past few months is going to be my reality for the next couple of years. I don't want to hurt anymore. Only 3-4 months of this is destroying me. I am sick to my stomach.

For her, its like there never was love or a relationship...like a damned lightswitch turned off, and the relationship we had is thrown in the recycle bin. No empathy, no sympothy, just a hard exterior looking at me with disgust and wondering why the hell I don't leave her alone. Only once in a year ever held me because I was hurting (because I knew she didn't love me and I was crying like a baby in her bed). That being near the very end of our relationship.

I am TOTALLY devastated. Have continuously pursued her, though over the past 3 weeks my attempts have been kept to one a week. ...other times it was 1-2 times a day of trying to contact her...to tell her I still love her. To apologize, to tell her I'll try harder, just to say I miss her, or that it is a beautiful night out, or would you like to go out...but lately it is only, can you please communicate with me.

My heart has been ripped out of my chest and spit on by her...yet I still love her with all my heart and soul. She doesn't have "any" feelings at all...she has said she was sorry, but I think she just spits them out like a trained parrot...with no meaning. I know I'm all F'd up and I want help, but feel I don't have the strength to help myself even with friends and a psychologist. Now my fears are sort of confirmed that I'm going to feel this crappy for a looooong time. I've talked to one of her ex husbands who divorced her in 93 and he still carries feelings for her. A guy she dated 3 years ago...still has feelings for her.

I have to get better or I am going to go insane.

[findingmyselfagain]

The borderline is a paradox that can't be solved. I know I was as kind to mine as I possibly could be. She couldn't accuse me of being abusive b/c everyone knew me, so she said I didn't get her. No joke! She hid her quirks for the most part, so I didn't see crazy behavior in full swing until our wedding shower. I remodeled my condo, planned a future, was her baby's daddy, gave her her dream dog, and she changed her mind that quickly. There's no way on earth a normal person with empathy could do that to someone else. She doesn't even have any idea why I might want to see or hear from her daughter once in a blue moon. I'm supposed to be as cold-hearted as she is. You can't win. The sooner we can look at ourselves and start pushing forward the sooner we won't be attracted to PDs.

[ODGreen]

what makes matters worse is that we work in the same company...different buildings though. I see her chatting to another guy that I talk to...they are in the same group. I've warned him about her...he's married with children, but his family is in another state...and they sit there chatting to each other. Don't think it is all business. How can I get away from that? It is bad enough knowing where she works, and being in the same company. Then another guy that she chatted with for several month this past summer, day in and day out, from what I'm told, during a period that our relationship was at its peak...nothing happened between them, but still. That guy sits one cube away...no they don't chat anymore, but I see him and I think of her chatting to him. I go talk to the other guy and chat is up with her name on it. I hear her name mentioned at least every other day..when I do, i'm all ears. It is plain torture.

I got to get a grip before I lose it. I want to e-mail her and tell her again, that I know what is wrong, let me work through it with you...just love me like you did...don't cheat on me..but yet, she's not even mine anymore.

[Cannon]

It's hard. Why can't I get over this person? It's like I don't even know what love is and I feel like why bother being the nice, kind person I am to the next girl when they will just walk all over me?

That's the borderline gift.  These people are sent to us to help us focus on ourselves and love ourselves more.  Do not mistreat the next deserving girl just because you had the bad luck of being in a relationship with a BP.  Don't let her keep ruining your life by allowing her to control how you treat/mistreat future women in your life!

I relate to most of your posts.  I experienced it, too.  But nothing they give us is a gift.  An awakening, perhaps.  A tremendously severe reality check.  But not a gift.  They give nothing.  At all.    But borderlines don't give anything to anybody.  What they give is most definitely not a gift.  They are a curse.  Like an infestation of Black Widows in your crawl space.  You get down on your belly, crawl in the dirt and darkness, with your poisons in your hand and you eradicate them and learn how to never let them into your life again.  Not a gift under any circumstances.

Sorry.  That word just doesn't fly with me.  Believe it or not, I'm past the anger stage.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[tzwong]

ODGreen,

*hug*. I know how you feel.

I think you know rationally that this has to stop, or you will go insane.

I have had to tell myself that I am walking away from my relationship with her in order to save it. Use that excuse if you need to. The more you cling now, the more she will run.

That is what I have been telling myself. If it works out that I get over things and not be insane, so much the better. End justifies means?

[Megatron]

A healthy relationship is about mutual trust and respect and friendship ~ what does friendship mean to you?

All I know is that my ex didn't treat me like a friend when I went to see her. She was the one who wanted friendship after she left me but she didn't even treat me like a friend. She claims to respect me and think highly of me, yet she doesn't treat me with respect when I go to see her. She used to tell me I was her best friend when we were together. I thought so too but I guess I was wrong. The ending of this relationship has completely drained me. I feel helpless. I hurt every day. I think of her every day. I feel like I'll never get over this person. Even though there were chaotic times I feel like I will never find someone that I will have the same connection with as I did with me ex. Even though I suspect she has BPD, I always felt so close to her and comfortable and I don't know if I'll ever find that level of closeness or comfort with another person and that really scares me. I feel like I am too damaged for another person or another relationship.

[stonehead]

A healthy relationship is about mutual trust and respect and friendship ~ what does friendship mean to you?

All I know is that my ex didn't treat me like a friend when I went to see her. She was the one who wanted friendship after she left me but she didn't even treat me like a friend. She claims to respect me and think highly of me, yet she doesn't treat me with respect when I go to see her. She used to tell me I was her best friend when we were together. I thought so too but I guess I was wrong. The ending of this relationship has completely drained me. I feel helpless. I hurt every day. I think of her every day. I feel like I'll never get over this person. Even though there were chaotic times I feel like I will never find someone that I will have the same connection with as I did with me ex. Even though I suspect she has BPD, I always felt so close to her and comfortable and I don't know if I'll ever find that level of closeness or comfort with another person and that really scares me. I feel like I am too damaged for another person or another relationship.

Wow, Megatron, I do agree with you.  I was dumped a couple of times before this latest one. Each time I just crawled back and apologized (for what? Haven’t I got any sense of shame?). But with each recycle, I was treated a whole lot worse than the previous one, until the very last time, she practically said she spoke for GOD and that she had to humiliate me tremendously inorder for me to learn the lesson.

Just like what you are thinking right now, I also feel like I will never find another person who could share the same kind of deep connection with as I did with her. As you said: “I felt so close to her and comfortable and I don't know if I'll ever find that level of closeness or comfort with another person”. This really makes me sooooo sad!

[gWocky00]

After 18 year of marriage 2 years divorced , and her living with another guy for over a year, she will at times call me out of the blue, and may be crying or not, and says stuff like "Im sorry I was so rotten to you while we were together, or I just wanted to thank you for all the nice things you did for me".  When she would call the next time I would ask what that was all about, and she would just brush it off, as saying she was having a bad day or whatever.  Something must have triggered those memories.  You gotta remember they live in the moment, and when the moment passes so does the feeling. 

[Megatron]

After 18 year of marriage 2 years divorced , and her living with another guy for over a year, she will at times call me out of the blue, and may be crying or not, and says stuff like "Im sorry I was so rotten to you while we were together, or I just wanted to thank you for all the nice things you did for me".  When she would call the next time I would ask what that was all about, and she would just brush it off, as saying she was having a bad day or whatever.  Something must have triggered those memories.  You gotta remember they live in the moment, and when the moment passes so does the feeling. 

That's unfortunate. I have to believe that she doesn't mean a thing she says when she calls me and tells me things like she misses me, etc.

[Newton]

Megatron...she believes those things in that moment...the key word is "moment".

Feelings are facts to pwBPD...there is little consistency in feelings hence little consistency in behavior...

If she has a need, she will fulfill it by saying what she needs to ...in order to satisfy the feeling she is having.

[Megatron]

And yet I'm a fool enough to believe that she truly does miss me and in time will want to be with me again when she realizes I was the best thing that happened to her and was so good and loving to her. The lack of closure is what kills me. Will I ever get it?

[Newton]

From my experience, and reading here...you are the only person who can give yourself closure.  That is why NC is so highly advocated...it's up to us to make that difficult step. They can't.

[timebomb]

Yeah...dont expect to get any closure from these people. As hard as it is you have to get them out of your life..these people are NO GOOD! They can talk a big game about love and wanting to be loved but its all a front..they use you for the time that they need you then they throw you away like a piece of garbage. I have experienced alot of anxiety and RAGE like you wouldnt believe because of my BPD..i cant tell you how much that woman lied and the crap she pulled behind my back

[timebomb]

Ill be damned if i ever let someone try to take my integrity ever again! i swear the whole point of them getting with you is to see if they can ruin you

[gWocky00]

They do miss you at the moment they say it.  But you gotta remember that is not some culmination of rational thoughts and feelings.  When we truly miss someone we have weighed the good and the bad or positive and negative about a person to come to that conclusion.  We have shades of gray.  The pwBPD feelings will be triggered by something that will let them paint you white (all good), and then they miss you.  Then a new trigger appears, and you may now be painted black (all bad).  I never could understand it ( I do now), but mine would always say she missed me so much till I got home then she didnt want me around.  After coming here I finally figured out that when I appeared the sight of me would trigger all the shame and self loathing she had for herself for all the things she had done to me or behind my back.  These feelings must ahve gone back and forth for her for years but she stayed.  When I started working from home I think it was the straw that broke the camels back for her, as my constantly beng around so much caused constant shame, and she finally had to escape in her mind.  She even used to say she didnt get any time to miss me anymore.  Totally screwed up.  Again, I get it now. 

[ODGreen]

What does NC mean?

Closure...I too want/need closure. i told her, just tell me you don't love me or let me know if you see (sleep) with another guy...this will end it for me. She would just say, I love you, but not in a romantic way. Or, I have compassionatle love for you. Reference another guy, it is I don't want a relationship now or in the near future. Hell we just slept together the second week of Dec and I asked her if she loved me and without hesitation she said yes...but the next two visits she was stand offish, no emotions toward me...suggested I go somewhere to get me out of her house...then to tell me it was over again that night. I often told her during the last few months that her messages were really confusing. She would say she loved me (when I asked...never said it to me first the whole relationship), but her actions almost always spoke differently.

I do want closure. She said I am obsessed and stalk her. I have gone by her home several times...why? For several reasons...1) thinking she might hear my car and somehow have an epiphony and come out to me and hug me and love me (I know this is more a fantasy, but it is real to me); 2) to see if someone is there with her...that would end it for me...give me closure, because I don't want her anymore if she is going to sleep withanother guy...even if the relationship is nothing right now (we are not in a relationship now anyway).

She has said I am obsessed...I guess I am, but I am so in love with her and I had thought she was so in love with me. She can't grasp how needy she was in the beginning of our relationship..especially when I helped ween her off her medications. 10-15-20 times a day for a few months she would contact me at work via chat, e-mail, desk visits, phone calls and I would help her through with talks, short walks..anything. Even after that we would contact each other throughout the day and go for walks. But she can't or doesn't remember that or it carries no meaning. She don't give a damn. Then when I faultered or had insecurities about her and her love / actions towards me, I was called controlling, needy and she hinted that I was trying to manipulate her...never any thoughts that I was just having a hard time and needed an ear or a hand. Not even when I was direct and would tell her I was holding my hand out for help...she just ignored it. Only once did she hold me when I cried in her bed like a baby. I told her that I felt she didn't love me and she put her arm around me for a short time, but after that..I was just nothing.

I want so much to hate her, as I know that would pull me out of my depression, but I can't. There is too much love and caring for her for me to hate her. It doesn't help now either that I know why she is like she is. i pray to God for him to help me rid myself of all of this, because I so far am too weak to do it by myself.

[bpdlover]

NC = No Contact. It's been that way for me for a while and I consider myself lucky. I also know that I am working through the aftermath of a very toxic association with her. It is getting better every day but there is much work I need to do on myself. There are days where I am livid at her horrific behaviour and also days where I really feel for her and see her struggle for what it is. She is trying to find love but has no idea how it works. She desperately tries everything to find a partner who will never leave but they all do. If she is open, she can get help for this and start to grow a reality that will enable her to build a life that delivers many if not all of the things she wishes for. Will she? If the destructive cycle works and the enablers are plenty, probably not. I treated my ex so well and I thought that she knew this from what she often said to me. Then she started to say the opposite. I thought I was going crazy. She said a lot of things, depending on how she felt at the time. I get the feeling that due to her waif like persona, many guys treated her very well. I think we all become nothing. We get reduced to who she thinks she is. I'm not sure she saw me as I am, ever. I'm real to me, but not to her. Is that a relationship?

[findingmyselfagain]

BPDlover,

You're statement alsom makes me wonder if she ever thought of me as anything close to the "real me." I get the feeling she was so abused and her family was so condescending that she just never could take anything the right way. It's tragic. For me to do so much for her and to be unable to recognize love right there in her face.

[bpdlover]

You are right. When I came into my ex's life, the meaningful conversations flowed, then as we became more of an item, the topic of her family came up. She had so many negative things to say about them. As I really got to know her, I saw how she needed them and used them as they used her. After a while, it was clear that her perceptions of others were skewed by them. I never really knew her family. I met the Mother briefly a few times and the Dad once. What I heard from her was creepy. Was it true? There were always so many lies. She told me her previous ex had started a file on them and had said that he felt that her family were the reason she had such a difficult existence. I think that she probably had an idea of who you were. As she did with me. We may have ticked the boxes of what she was looking for in a relationship, as she once said. But as time progressed, the troubled person appeared more and more and saturated any real meeting of two people. It has to be seen in a childish context to some degree as they are emotionally still back there. It is sad when a person cannot identify with another. She cannot know us really. It's in part because her caregivers could not put her first, in the first place.

[Megatron]

They do miss you at the moment they say it.  But you gotta remember that is not some culmination of rational thoughts and feelings.  When we truly miss someone we have weighed the good and the bad or positive and negative about a person to come to that conclusion.  We have shades of gray.  The pwBPD feelings will be triggered by something that will let them paint you white (all good), and then they miss you.  Then a new trigger appears, and you may now be painted black (all bad).  I never could understand it ( I do now), but mine would always say she missed me so much till I got home then she didnt want me around.  After coming here I finally figured out that when I appeared the sight of me would trigger all the shame and self loathing she had for herself for all the things she had done to me or behind my back.  These feelings must ahve gone back and forth for her for years but she stayed.  When I started working from home I think it was the straw that broke the camels back for her, as my constantly beng around so much caused constant shame, and she finally had to escape in her mind.  She even used to say she didnt get any time to miss me anymore.  Totally screwed up.  Again, I get it now. 

So I wonder when she says things in her last email like: "You treated me so good, I don't know if anyone will ever live up to that", she really only means that in the moment? Why would she say something like that to me. Telling me that she will always care about me and I will always be her first love, does she think these things are supposed to do something for me? Why does she tell me these things?