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Highly Recommended Book ... "How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner" Nina Brown, Ed.D, offers practical ways to understand the narcissist from a non-judgmental point-of-view. The author reassures you that you are not helpless - instead, the book offers realistic tips on living so that both partners needs are met.
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Author Topic: When the only one who believes in you... is you... mostly.  (Read 845 times)
Undertowed
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« Reply #20 on: February 16, 2012, 11:18:17 PM »


I gotta tell ya' your counselor seems a little out of their depth.  You might benefit from someone better able to meet your needs.

Yes...I am pretty disappointed by him as well.  Mind you it is "free" for the first five sessions, but as a famous comedian once said about false bargains, "Two of S__T…is S__T!".

He claimed to have some experience or insight with NPD or BPD, but my impression is that he really has very little of both and he seemingly purposefully provoked me last session and then asked what I was feeling when he challenged my assessment of my family and I wanted to turn the topic back to myself as I cannot change of fix them or expect more than they can give.

 

He seems of lower experience, expertise, intelligence, speaks English as a second language and has trouble with simple analogies when I am trying to cut to the chase and refocus on the core issues.  Plus he seems to lack or does not show much empathy for either my circumstances or growing up in a family with no true empathy or love except as a mirror.  I know women generally have more empathy, but it seems odd for him to be so cold while telling me it is a "safe place" after purposefully provoking/challenging me to prove my family was toxic instead of focusing on my emotions and coping mechanisms which are a tad worn down at the moment.

 


Yeah that dude may be in the business for all the wrong reasons.  It's like pedophile priests who say they're concerned but they spend all of their time attacking.  Worst case scenario he could be an NPD guy who likes to wind up  people in need to feel good at their expense.  The high functioning ones LOVE jobs like that and law enforcement BTW.  Jus sayin'  shocked  Check it out.

http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/narcissists-in-power
"While of course, many people in these positions are not narcissistic, many narcissistic people are in these positions. These roles offer plenty of power over others, and lots of narcissistic supply for pretending to be a leader, an authority, or a rescuer.

Unfortunately, narcissists in these occupations and pastimes are often not actually providing what they’re supposed to be providing — real protection, assistance, and leadership. They’re just there for the power. While their non-narcissistic coworkers work to the benefit of those they intend to serve, the narcissist is doing little more than enjoying the associated power and scouring their work environment for sources of narcissistic supply, manipulating, devaluing, gaslighting and shirking responsibility for the games they play."
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Undertowed
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« Reply #21 on: February 16, 2012, 11:28:16 PM »



No specific details needed, but back in Oct-Nov last year...I was repeatedly harassed by my local police in my home with multiple violations of my rights (Ex. a 3am invasion, faked 911 call)...mostly because of the corruption on the force and their fear I was going to testify against them in some recent lawsuits that forced our Chief to resign last Dec.

I was trying to make the point when I explained it along with my family background to my counsellor that I have been bullied multiple times in my life and I stand up for myself and others and am sometimes targeted for that while others cower in fear.

Many areas are having problems with "Cops Gone Wild" and while I was unwilling and/or unable to sue...I fought the bogus ticket and said in the corrupt court that the community would eventually stand up to such abuse and was right...there were 3 lawsuits by end of last year.

 

Sorry for excess rant, but I have a bit of bottled up anger to being jerked around, poked, messed with or having my time wasted!


THANK YOU for standing up for the rest of us!  It takes some serious guts to do that especially in a small town where law enforcement has an unusually high level of power!          You are freakin' amazing and a hero for that.  I hope you get outta there soon.

I know how you must be feeling right now because I've experienced my life blowing up a few times.  Job issues, relationship issues, and FOO issues simultaneously are incredibly draining and frustrating.   Please keep writing.  It is not an intrusion or anything like that.  We are soooo with you and want you to get over this hump to the other brighter side!      And her's a snowman for ya' just 'cause you're a cool customer. snowman
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« Reply #22 on: February 18, 2012, 04:47:15 AM »

Previously I have just banned the subject during my job search and may need to do so again as zero feedback is better than a bunch of negative stuff.  

One thing that occurs to me is that it is not always possible to enforce bans on topics with PD'ed people, as some of them seem to have a compulsion to raise subjects that leave us on the backfoot.

I think that is probably why some Adult Children give up on enforcing conversational boundaries altogether and go No Contact.

   Annie
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« Reply #23 on: February 18, 2012, 01:00:38 PM »

^^^^^I agree.   I'd go so far to say that as soon as a PD finds a subject or behavior that gets your goat, they frantically go back to it again and again like an addict trying to get a fix.  It's like the experiment where little mouse pushes the lever frantically for a pellet- they push until they get the reaction.

In my case my BPD NPD HPDmother was never homophobic before in her speech or anything else.   We say gay themed movies, I had gay friends.  Once I came out as bi and moved in with my exgf she started ramping up the hate speech/jokes.  She did it so much that she had mass e-mailings with me and people in her office attached (people I have never met) circulating these jokes!  She tarnished her rep at work because of that but still wouldn't stop.
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EmpathyBoy
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« Reply #24 on: February 18, 2012, 05:47:44 PM »


Yeah that dude may be in the business for all the wrong reasons.  It's like pedophile priests who say they're concerned but they spend all of their time attacking.  Worst case scenario he could be an NPD guy who likes to wind up  people in need to feel good at their expense.  The high functioning ones LOVE jobs like that and law enforcement BTW.  Jus sayin'  shocked  Check it out.

http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/narcissists-in-power

I am not entirely sure what his deal is, but I have had a good therapist before and know what they are supposed to do...you are supposed to validated and do active listening emotionally...not purposefully provoke an obviously tender area to get a rise out of someone.

He is either an "NPD guy" who gets his supply by emotionally provoking his "patients" and has fun telling them how they are wrong or messed up...or he is just poorly trained, lacks experience, expertise and intelligence for his job.

I am going to fire him at the end of next session anyways, but I will go in with my shields up and this time see how he acts and reacts.  It is always a red flag when someone's words contradicts their actions.  He claimed it was a "safe place" after purposefully attacking my credibility and an emotional sore spot in my toxic family that I cannot change.

Just as my father as an NPD bully has more sympathy for the bullies I have had to deal with then he does for me...this guy seems to have his priorities messed up in supposedly "helping me". 

I did not provide him any real details on anything on purpose and to be concise and his interest in details in areas I am not focused on discussing seems highly questionable.  His last advice to me seemed a step backwards and not forwards...so there are many red flags around.

The last thing any PD's like are people that can identify them in general.  I should know better...any positions of authority or power you will find them...especially if they can manipulate people.  I was getting an odd vibe from him and could not tell why previously...I will know next time and dump him either way as he is not helping at all!
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EmpathyBoy
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« Reply #25 on: February 18, 2012, 06:35:24 PM »

THANK YOU for standing up for the rest of us!  It takes some serious guts to do that especially in a small town where law enforcement has an unusually high level of power!          You are freakin' amazing and a hero for that.  I hope you get outta there soon.

You are welcome!  Someone needs to stand up to such baloney!

The whole thing was nuts when they were invading my home...they twisted every law they could.  The only thing these jerks fear IMHO is Video/YouTube.

I wasn't ready the first time, but increasingly setup a perimeter both visible and hidden which was on display on their last 3am visit back in Nov2011. (knock on wood)

I am trying to sell my place now...I have many reasons to leave building and town too.  Apparently other people in my building has been buzzed by these fake 911 calls...always after the bars close 2am-5am...what are the odds;)

I know how you must be feeling right now because I've experienced my life blowing up a few times.  Job issues, relationship issues, and FOO issues simultaneously are incredibly draining and frustrating.   Please keep writing.  It is not an intrusion or anything like that.  We are soooo with you and want you to get over this hump to the other brighter side!      And her's a snowman for ya' just 'cause you're a cool customer. snowman

I am not sure what "FOO" stands for, but yes...multiple things imploding or exploding at the same time sucks badly and who is my family support...three emotional vampires...who blame the victim when the blood runs dry! lol wink 

I still believe in me and have a revised plan I am implementing and despite my father's tantrum today...I will try to keep them to weekly milestone updates on stuff already done to keep myself positive and focused!

I am adopting a more Buddhist view of life in general...slowly, but that is part of the plan.  My logical brain now accepts how many of these situations have actually been trials to make me stronger and more in touch with the tribulations of the average person and below in society who have been dumped on like this regularly for the "crime" of being poor or black or similar.

Some of the bullying or blowback in my life could have been easily avoided, while others were near impossible to avoid or a partially odd coincidence.  It was random luck the police decided to pick on me except for my being alone that night.  Or in the more Buddhist view...it was karma to create greater empathy and understanding in me for those who are abused by power frequently, but who are not only afraid...often fairly easily discredited when they complain or testify. (Drug Dealers, poor, mentally ill, homeless, etc.)

My emotional side has not caught up to my brain yet, but I am trying hard to push myself through to get there.  I now know this is a trial to make me into a stronger person and better leader to aid in the troubled times ahead...but walking the path is always harder than merely knowing the path!
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« Reply #26 on: February 18, 2012, 06:54:29 PM »

FOO is family of origin.  I hate to call them your family since they are not acting like real family so I give them the FOO instead!  grin
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« Reply #27 on: February 18, 2012, 07:27:39 PM »

One thing that occurs to me is that it is not always possible to enforce bans on topics with PD'ed people, as some of them seem to have a compulsion to raise subjects that leave us on the backfoot.

Thanks Annie!

I agree...they definitely have a compulsion in many areas to push buttons amongst other things too...even more normal humans are lured by those things banned or taboo, but for a PD person such hard boundaries are likely pathologically tantalizing...as they struggle with their control, abandonment and/or being given full attention/worship...nothing should be denied to them.

The only way otherwise is to deny them information in general areas in manner in which they are not aware of any specifics.  I have done this in the past as my sister commented to me being typically very "private" about my job, money, personal or dating life.  Well duh!

In this case it is a minor paradox since until I have a new job they know I do not have one and thus any aspect is open to their inquiries which would of course lead to criticism, denigration, etc. instead of validation and support regardless of the status, progress or situation in context.

Binary and black/white thinkers only see it as No Job(right now) = Loser/Incompetent.  Mind you it was not like they made much of a deal about my awards and success in the past except to brag to others, but not to validate me very much.

Nothing new here really...just an annoying paradox I must suffer for a few weeks or maybe months...I hope I get karma points for this!
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« Reply #28 on: February 18, 2012, 07:46:43 PM »

^^^^^I agree.   I'd go so far to say that as soon as a PD finds a subject or behavior that gets your goat, they frantically go back to it again and again like an addict trying to get a fix.  It's like the experiment where little mouse pushes the lever frantically for a pellet- they push until they get the reaction.

Yes as I stated previously...I think that has a lot or relevance.  These are people who live to get an emotional rise out of others...esp. family...banned topics or sensitive areas are like nicotine to a smoker.

I still must do my best to reinforce the boundaries and let them call me an oversensitive whatever for at least a few weeks as I get the ball rolling.  The suggestions here were very good...tell them after things are done.  I will try a weekly 'milestone' cadence like would be in a work situation...especially when dealing with similar micro-managers.

In my case my BPD NPD HPDmother was never homophobic before in her speech or anything else.   We say gay themed movies, I had gay friends.  Once I came out as bi and moved in with my exgf she started ramping up the hate speech/jokes.  She did it so much that she had mass e-mailings with me and people in her office attached (people I have never met) circulating these jokes!  She tarnished her rep at work because of that but still wouldn't stop.

That sounds pretty rough.  My     goes out to you!     

I have always been hetero, but when I learned it was better to keep my personal life private(by high school) long before I knew what label fit my family and especially my mother and her odd BPD rants.  My mother assumed my keeping it private meant something was "wrong" and thus for years gave me both articles and odd or awful comments about "don't be gay" or similar.

Back in the major AIDS scare tactics years in the 80s & 90s she was near pathological and giving me awful articles for which purpose I do not know.  At some point she decided I was straight and then switched to giving me articles about awful and violent rapes of women...sometimes rape-killings...and I have never been violent in my life except to physically defend myself and I thought and asked her WTH? 

I asked her why in either case she thought I would be interested in reading about such things...and begged her to stop.  I never got a good answer, but I can say that after my situation last year with the police she has been doing the same with every legal case or situation in the local paper (which not surprisingly sanitizes the worst of their offenses).

I think there must be some connection between the BPD person's fears or guilt or something and getting caught in these weird loops where they keep purposefully being confrontational and insulting on a particular area as long as it gets a rise out of you or you ignore them or it or something.

Clearly my situation from a sexual orientation perspective does not relate as much, but if you see how much my mother went nuts even when there was no basis...it makes sense they do it when there is some reality to justify them going bonkers on a topic.  I mean in a twisted BPD logic sense...not normal sense.  My mother's extra frontal lobe damage can at times be like BPD on steroids so her actions/reactions may be atypical or worse...depends.
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« Reply #29 on: February 18, 2012, 08:00:11 PM »

FOO is family of origin.  I hate to call them your family since they are not acting like real family so I give them the FOO instead!  grin

I see...I do not know much of the online PD or BPD acronyms yet.

An excellent book is Emotional Vampires by A. Bernstein.  While there are many good books around...his focuses on tactics for defense from most of the Personality Disorders and suggests strategies that work well in most cases by focusing on the common vulnerabilities they prey on.

It reminds me I need to scan read it again, but until I am stabilized financially I just need to maintain boundaries as I can and need to.  While it might seem unfair or inflammatory to call them "Vampires"...he is correct that they seem to drain emotional and even physical energy from people when dealing with them...even with good boundaries.

I think the lower they are on the empathy scale (BPD or NPD are essentially zero) the more draining they are and the higher you are on that scale...either/or the more they drain or the more you feel it!  Whether in family or outside...they target those with the greatest source of positive emotional energy to seemingly drain them dry.

My suggestion is we could call them VOO or Vampires of Origin in some cases...mine especially as I am the only non in my whole family.  I wish they had had a couple more kids...I might have got lucky;)
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