Problem in new relationship

[Think About It...]

Hey everyone

So, when I started a new relationship after I left my BPDex, and not yet knowing that it had not been normal, I was not in a very good head space. In fact, I kind of lost my mind a little then. And when you're a little crazy, you're going to end up with a little crazy, too. Now, I've been making solid progress, I'm in a good place, but my girlfriend, well, she has her own issues, her own problems. And she agrees, and if we could afford it, she'd go to therapy, but right now, it's just not an option. Unlike her, I already had fairly good metacognitive skills. I already was mindfull. Thanks to my parents thinking this was a way to deal with ADD I've been going to meditation classes since I was 8. And that helped me a lot in dealing, in reprocessing, in moving on. She's not as equipped in that regard, and I'm not really equipped to help her. There were events in her past that were very traumatic that she has never dealt with. I know now that she loves me in a wrong way. She doesn't love me like one would love an equal, but she loves me like one would love a father.

There are 2 symptoms of an underlying condition that are problematic here.

1) How we fight is not productive. This symptom has been causing me a headache is our conflict resolution for a long time now. She's not capable of it in a productive sense. When she argues about something, she doesn't try to understand my point of view, but merely tries to win, and twists anything she can use to win. For example, I've been starting to write lately. Just some short stories. And we were talking about Stephen King, and how I thought that some few of his books were really amazing from a writing perspective. She told me she thought he was a bad writer, never having read a book he wrote. This rubbed me the wrong way.

An argument started where I pointed out to her that if she hadn't read him, then she should have an open mind about whether or not he is good, rather than having a made up mind about it.

Her: Well, he himself said that he isn't a good writer.
Me: I say that all the time, too, and you always tell me you like what I write.
Her: I only say that to make you feel better

Now, I know that's not true. I know she really, really likes what I write. She said it because there is this powerful drive to be right, whatever the cost. Now, the way I see it, I've been steel'd by my former relationship. I don't think there is anything she could do to cause me any harm, psychologically speaking. Not that she's going to be of much help, either, but, hey, no harm, that's something, right? This is the worst thing she's ever said, and it did hurt a little, but, I know where it comes from, so I can file it under what I named her "defender aspect". At her very worst she's still a kitten where my ex was a tiger. Eventually she cools off, and apologizes, not knowing what made her say these things.

2) My opinion carries far more weight in her eyes than I think is good for her. We're two people. We're going to have differences of opinion. That's normal. And in many cases, it's not something that should matter. For example, there was some movie she liked. One of her favorite movies of all time. We watched it together, and I didn't much care for it, and when asked I told her why. And now she can't watch it anymore because she is sad I don't like it. There is some kind of approval seeking going on here that I think I would be able to understand in terms of her being a child and me being her father, but not in terms of a relationship.

So, what finally brought me here was something that happened yesterday. This fight I mentioned above, it happened yesterday. I had an insight, no doubt based on how I've learned trying to understand my BPDex. I stopped arguing with her. What was it I told her... it was something along the lines of... that no matter what, I wasn't ever going to leave her, I was completely warm, and affectionate and she just deflated, and then did more than just that, she regressed. She was like a child in my arms, crying. I mean it. She had regressed to a childlike state like a switch had been flipped. So, this is the way it is right now. The way I see it right now, her self is a wounded, traumatized, child, a history of rape, kidnapping, with a fear of being abandoned again, as she had been quite a few times. I'm not a picture of perfection myself. And I do love her, and love her as an equal. She's a warm and caring person. I think she is a good person. She's just not well. And she accepts that, she agrees, and if we could, she would do therapy, but it's just not in the cards right now. I'm not sure what to do with this. Am I supposed to leave her because of this? Is that what I should do? Do I have unrealistic expectations? Isn't everyone flaw'd in some way? Where does one draw the line? I'm conflicted.

What do you think?

[Nelson]

Hey everyone

So, when I started a new relationship after I left my BPDex, and not yet knowing that it had not been normal, I was not in a very good head space. In fact, I kind of lost my mind a little then. And when you're a little crazy, you're going to end up with a little crazy, too. Now, I've been making solid progress, I'm in a good place, but my girlfriend, well, she has her own issues, her own problems. And she agrees, and if we could afford it, she'd go to therapy, but right now, it's just not an option. Unlike her, I already had fairly good metacognitive skills. I already was mindfull. Thanks to my parents thinking this was a way to deal with ADD I've been going to meditation classes since I was 8. And that helped me a lot in dealing, in reprocessing, in moving on. She's not as equipped in that regard, and I'm not really equipped to help her. There were events in her past that were very traumatic that she has never dealt with. I know now that she loves me in a wrong way. She doesn't love me like one would love an equal, but she loves me like one would love a father.

There are 2 symptoms of an underlying condition that are problematic here.

1) How we fight is not productive. This symptom has been causing me a headache is our conflict resolution for a long time now. She's not capable of it in a productive sense. When she argues about something, she doesn't try to understand my point of view, but merely tries to win, and twists anything she can use to win. For example, I've been starting to write lately. Just some short stories. And we were talking about Stephen King, and how I thought that some few of his books were really amazing from a writing perspective. She told me she thought he was a bad writer, never having read a book he wrote. This rubbed me the wrong way.

An argument started where I pointed out to her that if she hadn't read him, then she should have an open mind about whether or not he is good, rather than having a made up mind about it.

Her: Well, he himself said that he isn't a good writer.
Me: I say that all the time, too, and you always tell me you like what I write.
Her: I only say that to make you feel better

Now, I know that's not true. I know she really, really likes what I write. She said it because there is this powerful drive to be right, whatever the cost. Now, the way I see it, I've been steel'd by my former relationship. I don't think there is anything she could do to cause me any harm, psychologically speaking. Not that she's going to be of much help, either, but, hey, no harm, that's something, right? This is the worst thing she's ever said, and it did hurt a little, but, I know where it comes from, so I can file it under what I named her "defender aspect". At her very worst she's still a kitten where my ex was a tiger. Eventually she cools off, and apologizes, not knowing what made her say these things.

2) My opinion carries far more weight in her eyes than I think is good for her. We're two people. We're going to have differences of opinion. That's normal. And in many cases, it's not something that should matter. For example, there was some movie she liked. One of her favorite movies of all time. We watched it together, and I didn't much care for it, and when asked I told her why. And now she can't watch it anymore because she is sad I don't like it. There is some kind of approval seeking going on here that I think I would be able to understand in terms of her being a child and me being her father, but not in terms of a relationship.

So, what finally brought me here was something that happened yesterday. This fight I mentioned above, it happened yesterday. I had an insight, no doubt based on how I've learned trying to understand my BPDex. I stopped arguing with her. What was it I told her... it was something along the lines of... that no matter what, I wasn't ever going to leave her, I was completely warm, and affectionate and she just deflated, and then did more than just that, she regressed. She was like a child in my arms, crying. I mean it. She had regressed to a childlike state like a switch had been flipped. So, this is the way it is right now. The way I see it right now, her self is a wounded, traumatized, child, a history of rape, kidnapping, with a fear of being abandoned again, as she had been quite a few times. I'm not a picture of perfection myself. And I do love her, and love her as an equal. She's a warm and caring person. I think she is a good person. She's just not well. And she accepts that, she agrees, and if we could, she would do therapy, but it's just not in the cards right now. I'm not sure what to do with this. Am I supposed to leave her because of this? Is that what I should do? Do I have unrealistic expectations? Isn't everyone flaw'd in some way? Where does one draw the line? I'm conflicted.

What do you think?

[Gowest]

What exactly do you like about this girl? You seem to want to stay with her, but didn't give any reasons why. What about this relationship is working for you?

[seeking balance]

Hi Nelson,

for no. 1 - try practicing SET tools and DEARMAN, these communications styles will help her feel heard.
no. 2 - honestly, you cannot control what she does; this is really your issue, not hers.  do you like being with someone who cannot hold onto their own opinion?

Radical acceptance in any relationship is important.

Cheers,
SB

[Nelson]

What exactly do you like about this girl? You seem to want to stay with her, but didn't give any reasons why. What about this relationship is working for you?

The majority of it. It's mostly a harmonious relationship. A cooperative relationship where we share a vision for the future. I trust her, which goes a long way. I'm not quite sure what it is that triggers her Defender, and while it is a headache when it does happen, it's not a constant thing, or about anything really important. I love her. Not the dependance thing I used to have going. I could walk away if I wanted to. I'm not "stuck". I'm with her out of my own free will because she makes me happy, and I'm happy to make her happy. We're not very similar. Rather, complementary. I'm pretty serious, have a hard time letting myself go. And she's, well, silly. It's infectious in a way that feels like it does me good. Loosens me up and makes the world a little brighter. In my eyes she has a lot going for her.

Hi Nelson,

for no. 1 - try practicing SET tools and DEARMAN, these communications styles will help her feel heard.
no. 2 - honestly, you cannot control what she does; this is really your issue, not hers.  do you like being with someone who cannot hold onto their own opinion?

Radical acceptance in any relationship is important.

Cheers,
SB

Thank you. I will.

And yes, I know that. We only control ourselves, and take responsibility for ourselves.

As far as 2 goes, do I like it. Well, it's not a black and white thing. Sometimes she cares more than at other times. And she cares about my approval in some things more than it others. The type of love she gives me is still, well, wrought with daddy issues. I could live with it. I could be ok with it, as it is now, if I decided so. I'm a safe guy, too. In the sense that I wouldn't take advantage of her. And she knows that about me, and trusts me, too. I think we would be "ok". Accepting it, it's a conscious choice I can make, but, I'm not sure I can trust myself to make it. I don't have a very good track record when it comes to relationship decisions. In 13 years this is my third serious relationship, and 33 percent of those, which make up over 75 percent of the time, were to my detriment.

[Nelson]

It's done. I hope it was the right decision. I've never broken up with someone for "the right reasons" before. Never left someone I loved, demanding my head and my heart to be in accord. It hurts. It feels like a part of me is dying right now. It gets better, right?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[hurry.up.and.wait]

I had to "break up" with my wife this past May. I did it for the right reasons. I loved her then, and I still do. I saw her for a while today while she was visiting with our daughter. Very little has changed about my emotions and our chemistry together, I am simply intellectually aware that I cannot be a healthy person if I am with her, and that I am responsible for ensuring our daughter's wellbeing.

It does get better as you adjust to accepting your awareness if what healthy is. Sounds to me like you have a good start

[Gowest]

Yes, it gets better. Have you considered talking about it with a therapist? It will get better faster if you do.

[Nelson]

Yes, it gets better. Have you considered talking about it with a therapist? It will get better faster if you do.

While for me it's covered, the waiting lists around here start out with 2 months and go up for there with anything talk therapy related.

I just have to not lose my head and keep it straight, focused on the big picture. I have a floor to myself, an exit that doesn't go through the house, there is basically no reason at all for us to cross paths. She's a mess, but she's a mess that respects my decision. Which I give her kudos for.

I think the next step for me is four pronged

1) Maintain focus on my reason. This is a tricky one. I have a drive to just take it all back. Bad me, bad *newspaper slap*
2) Establish and maintain an inner calm.
3) Get out and socialize so I don't have the time to ponder things to the nth degree. That helped today. Nothing big, nothing fancy, nothing alcoholic.
4) Find a new apartment and perhaps make a note so next time around I think of this before a breakup.

Does that sound reasonable?

Is that about how you did it, hurry.up.and.wait?