" you made me do this"

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Yesterday my BPDh went into a rage after being confronted about some lies he told and destroyed an xbox I had just purchased for us to watch movies on. He did this be beating his fists into it until they bled. Today he showed me his scabbed hands and said I made him do it because I drove him to such anger. I was floored at how he could possibly blame anyone else for his behavior. What things have your BPDs done that just made you doubt you were hearing them correctly?  Its just there sense of entitlement to behave anyway they want boggles my mind.
Butrfly

[butrflyblue]

Yesterday my BPDh went into a rage after being confronted about some lies he told and destroyed an xbox I had just purchased for us to watch movies on. He did this be beating his fists into it until they bled. Today he showed me his scabbed hands and said I made him do it because I drove him to such anger. I was floored at how he could possibly blame anyone else for his behavior. What things have your BPDs done that just made you doubt you were hearing them correctly?  Its just there sense of entitlement to behave anyway they want boggles my mind.
Butrfly

[T2Logan]

my BPDgf used to blame me for her anger and swear she never did this with anyone else and I "made" her cuss and insult me. The other day she punched a brick wall after a situation really upset her (not related to me). Yesterday she said "my hands hurts" "i'm sorry" "it's my fault, wait, no...it's their fault. They made me punch the wall!" It was interesting to see her switch it right then and there...needless to say I didn't say anything back.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[FriedaB]

Im sorry you had to endure a BPD rage...my BPD/NPD mom blamed my enDad for having "defective seed" that produced a handicapped child therefore that is why"he made her" have an affair...broke every dish in house "you kids made me do it because you were acting up" (something toddlers typically do) yep know all about this unfortunately...and there is absolutely NO reasoning with these people...

[seeking balance]

I moved this to the undecided board as it seems you are actively in his life.  Not sure if you really might want to consider the staying board as the tools there might help you in handling these situations as to not make them worse.

Having a deficient sense of self, your BPDh cannot tolerate anything considered "bad" about his character.  Remember, the disorder is all/nothing black/white - so he feels "all bad" when this happens.  Since he cannot tolerate being "all bad", you must have caused it.  Faulty thinking - yes; however, there are tools that you can use to not make it worse.

Using SET tools - how do you think you could have answered him when he said - you made me do it?

[seeker after truth]

Just in case anyone might fancy a little light relief on the subject of blame! Heard the one about the guy saying 'it is deplorable that not one of my kids ever takes responsibilty for their own actions! They get it from their mother! 

[Easydoesitnow]

My uBPDexbf blames 'the destructive dynamic' in our r/s for him losing his job recently.  

To clarify a little further - he has broken off our r/s numerous times over something that he refuses to define, which is 'not quite right about me' - he then said that he finds all the breakups incredibly stressful - he said his stress levels have been so high they have caused him to be severely verbally and psychologically abusive to the people at work - he has lost his job because of being abusive - therefore because there is something that is 'not quite right' about me, that has caused the loss of his job.

Never mind that he has lost countless jobs before I met him, and that his average length of relationship is 8 weeks - back to back - serial short r/s.

He is 48.

He regularly punches walls.  That is also my fault.  

Although I have never felt so powerless as in this r/s, it seems in his mind, I got da power!

[mbp]

I was very surprised to find myself accepting my gf beating me after a loong angry argument at me - me saying almost nothing at all - but presumably the wrong things ? Nothing serious happened though - I felt on top of things ready to run but did not have any clothes on  Had a sore rib for a month (knee - ouch!). Will never accept this again though. Halfway through her dogs got very upset and thus while beating me she shouted:"Look what you have done to the dogs!" Then she started crying and while comforting her she started all over again so I left to sleep in my car.

Never thought to end up in such a rs and even miss her when it is over (for now?) - stupid me.

[Easydoesitnow]

Will never accept this again though.

Violence occurs on a continuum - with verbal and emotional abuse frequently escalating to physical.  In my case, my exbf was never physical with me although all the counselors I have spoken with have indicated that it was definitely heading that way.

The thing is that once we would not have thought we would take the verbal abuse, and yet we did, and it continued and escalated.  

Too good to be real, I'm sure that once you said you would never take physical abuse (possibly if you were like me, you would never have imagined being in the situation of having to take it or not take it), and yet now you say you would never accept it again...I am the same, once I would never have thought I would be subjected to so much verbal abuse.

Its the story of the frog, that if placed in boiling water that would immediately jump out, and yet if placed in cold water brought to the boil would slowly stew...

With regard to blame, some things are so obviously not our fault, it is just plain ridiculous, but the subtle and pervasive shifting of responsibility does have an impact on us.

[xeon]

Its the story of the frog, that if placed in boiling water that would immediately jump out, and yet if placed in cold water brought to the boil would slowly stew...

With regard to blame, some things are so obviously not our fault, it is just plain ridiculous, but the subtle and pervasive shifting of responsibility does have an impact on us.

Nice analogy, explains how I feel on many levels in my relationship and agree totally about the blame!

If my wife truly accepted responsibility for some mistake fully... I might have a heart attack!  She may admit fault momentarily, then throw in a "but" or completely 180.  I have no idea what the mentality behind it is, but I don't get it either. 

[george2]

This is a subject I often struggle with and fear the most with a young child in our house.  In the past, and even as recent as a month ago, my BPDw destroys things in the house.  Typically, it is an item that means a lot to me - (or seems to make the biggest mess).  After the glass is smashed against the wall and a billion pieces are on the wood floor, I immediately move into damage control as she is in the other room with the door shut or outside in the freezing cold in her t-shirt and shorts shivering...and it is always, me who caused it to happen.  She is very destructive when she is raging.  It is a tough one for me to deal with.

[artman.1]

All,
     I have come to the realization that we are dealing with people who are totally INSANE.  This is why they never make sense to us!

Art

[heath08]

I can relate, unfortunately, to all of this. My husband, in a fit of rage kicked me, tearing my meniscus and ligament, now 2 years later every time he is in his a state and feels the need to see me as evil, he gets mad at all the pressure he has to endure because I "refuse" to work full time because I am lazy, greedy and evil. I have seen specialists and had MRI's, which he has attended and there is nothing they can do and I have been told NOT to stand for long periods of time. I work retail and until I can find a sitting job, I work part time. Before this I always worked full time, always supported myself and was very independent and as far as greed all I want in life is love and peace, I could care less about money and things.
Of course when he loves me, he is profoundly sorry for the damage he has caused my body, my mind and soul, he feels awful that he said any of that and he thinks I am the most loving, supportive, caring person he has ever known... until of course I am uncomfortable with the mix messages and I am too tired to console his grief and guilt and actually ask for time to get my own head and heart together... then the pattern starts again... around we go.

[xeon]

I can relate, unfortunately, to all of this. My husband, in a fit of rage kicked me, tearing my meniscus and ligament, now 2 years later every time he is in his a state and feels the need to see me as evil, he gets mad at all the pressure he has to endure because I "refuse" to work full time because I am lazy, greedy and evil.

Disgusting... that is all I can say. 

[artman.1]

heath08,
     WOW! I am so sad for this behavior.  How do you feel about his physical abuse?  Are you good with it now?  Did you call 911?  He should have spent some time in the local jail, and been forced to go to a Psyc evaluation after doing this horrible thing.  Domestic Violence is so extremely cowardly.  If something gets me emotionally upset, this is it.  I guess I was raised in a home where there was a maximum of emotional, and verbal abuse coming from my Alcoholic Dad, towards my precious Mother, who's only mistake, was to love him unconditionally.  His abusive nature towards he was unforgivable as far as I am concerned.  It was cowardly, but he never steped across the threshold of verbal into physical abuse.  That would have ended all my small amount of respect for him. Please take care of yourself.

Art

[heath08]

Art
I am not good with it. I found forgiveness because I was raised in an abusive home, not necessarily healthy but it is the truth. Now the abuse is emotional and I am not good with that either. I find it far more damaging. I want so badly to move out of this pattern and our past, unfortunately trying to make someone with BPD understand that is only possible when it actually is in the past is seemingly impossible. Having someone with-hold love while they demand unconditional love for themselves is unacceptable to me. But I am so lost right now in all the choices that I made that I am unsure of what to do. I believe in love, with every fiber of my being and I am realizing I am not truly loved for everything I really am and it is devastating, more so than the physical abuse I suffered. I feel betrayed because he knew the type of father I had growing up and how hard I worked on myself for years to undo that damage. I feel like I wrote him a book on how to hurt me when I thought I was writing the book of how to love me. I love with all my heart and soul. This makes it so hard to walk away. Especially when you know the person you love has been severely traumatized in their life time. I am not programed to betray or be disloyal. It hurts to think I have to rewrite my core beliefs to save myself because of someone else's troubles. I thought I was healthy but in hindsight I realize how could I have been? I didn't set out clear boundaries for myself and allowed my loyalty to over ride my own self worth. I wish he would mean all the things he says when he is loving me. Or I wish he never would say those things so I can leave. More than anything I am spending time re-examining what I thought I had fixed in myself. I didn't realize I was still this damaged from my father's abuse and that scares me. I really thought I had learned all the lessons I needed to about being abused. Obviously not because I am here still fighting for the love of a man who has an illness that makes it impossible for him to really love.
Thank-you for your words. At this time, feeling so lost, it is such a comfort to have a place to reach out too 

[eeyore]

blaming someone else means they don't have to face up to their own actions or be responsible for their own actions. 

It's classic denial.   

[Easydoesitnow]

Having someone with-hold love while they demand unconditional love for themselves is unacceptable to me. But I am so lost right now in all the choices that I made that I am unsure of what to do. I believe in love, with every fiber of my being... I love with all my heart and soul...I am not programed to betray or be disloyal. It hurts to think I have to rewrite my core beliefs to save myself ...

I have just left a very abusive r/ s and I identify with a lot of your story and background...I felt the same way..now away from the situation I can see that he wad not able to love me while abusing me...love and abuse cannot co-exist...

[LostinBPDland]

Having someone with-hold love while they demand unconditional love for themselves is unacceptable to me. But I am so lost right now in all the choices that I made that I am unsure of what to do. I believe in love, with every fiber of my being... I love with all my heart and soul...I am not programed to betray or be disloyal. It hurts to think I have to rewrite my core beliefs to save myself ...

I have just left a very abusive r/ s and I identify with a lot of your story and background...I felt the same way..now away from the situation I can see that he wad not able to love me while abusing me...love and abuse cannot co-exist...

And like what has been said before:  " You can't love what you fear."  It is impossible.

[martillo]

@george2  "In the past, and even as recent as a month ago, my BPDw destroys things in the house.  I immediately move into damage control"

One evening several years ago, when our now 19 yo DS was not quite 2 (and already in bed for the night), my UndxBPDH, while raging at me about something, picked up our Christmas tree and threw it across the room.  Ornaments were broken and scattered all over our living room and the tree was laying on its side.  Prior to that incident, I always "picked" up after H when he was destructive, but I knew enough to know that I was "enabling" him.  I couldn't do anything except start crying which made him even angrier.  He ask what I was crying for and I told him, "I am just trying to decide what to tell DS when he gets up in the morning and sees the tree and ornaments destroyed" and I went back to what I had been doing prior to the rage.  My H fumed for a few minutes then picked up the tree, ornaments and fixed it all. 

I wish I could tell you that was the last time he was destructive and I wish I could tell you that I never cleaned up after him again, but most of the time I walk away since that incident because I really saw in action that by cleaning up, I was giving him the right to continue that type of destructive behavior. 

H can blame me all he wants for his temper fits, but I am not responsible for cleaning up his messes and he can explain to our kids what the mess is all about. 

I know it is hard w children in the house to walk away from potentially dangerous hazards, but that is a boundary that needs to be in place - you destroy; you clean / replace...