What about school

[Think About It...]

School was so so awfull for my BPD17 daughter. She never ever liked it, even from age 3 at playgroup, now I realise why, I didnt know then but if I knew what I know now. I would not of let her go and tried home educating her or something different.

School is such an invalidating place. No one understood her.

At age approx 10, bullying started, one girl got a boy to hold her while she slapped her in the face repeatedly in the playground. It was very traumatic for her, this is when my dd started to show signs of BPD just after this.
As time went on, bit more bullying going on and things went from bad to worse.

When she started HS, we were optamistic, thinking new school, new friends. But that was worse, not just bullying but because she was bit different and depressed things didnt work out well. She seemed to get into trouble for the silliest thing, like wearing gloves in school because she was always so cold. Lots of other things. They did try to help her when they realised she was having problems but they really didnt know what to do.In the end she  used to leave school without permission, she also wouldnt tell me because she knew she would be in trouble, so she spent days in the local park crying alone
School finally told me that she wasnt going in, so I confronted her and tried to sort it out, we had meeting after meeting at school, but it didnt help.

I do think school should of been more helpful, I mean it was such serious issues, self harm and crying most of the day. Wondering round the school aimlesly and not knowing where she was. Fainting regularly. No one cared

[heronbird]

School was so so awfull for my BPD17 daughter. She never ever liked it, even from age 3 at playgroup, now I realise why, I didnt know then but if I knew what I know now. I would not of let her go and tried home educating her or something different.

School is such an invalidating place. No one understood her.

At age approx 10, bullying started, one girl got a boy to hold her while she slapped her in the face repeatedly in the playground. It was very traumatic for her, this is when my dd started to show signs of BPD just after this.
As time went on, bit more bullying going on and things went from bad to worse.

When she started HS, we were optamistic, thinking new school, new friends. But that was worse, not just bullying but because she was bit different and depressed things didnt work out well. She seemed to get into trouble for the silliest thing, like wearing gloves in school because she was always so cold. Lots of other things. They did try to help her when they realised she was having problems but they really didnt know what to do.In the end she  used to leave school without permission, she also wouldnt tell me because she knew she would be in trouble, so she spent days in the local park crying alone
School finally told me that she wasnt going in, so I confronted her and tried to sort it out, we had meeting after meeting at school, but it didnt help.

I do think school should of been more helpful, I mean it was such serious issues, self harm and crying most of the day. Wondering round the school aimlesly and not knowing where she was. Fainting regularly. No one cared

[almostvegan]

I feel the need to tell you you are not alone. My daughter is 15 and shows similar behaviors with school. I relate to the meeting after meeting to no avail. Though they try and try they don't understand her. I for see  expulsion and I'm terrified. I wish we could homeschool but I worry about friends ( which though my daughter is the " weird one" she does have thank goodness).
I want to say that it's not that your daughters school doesn't care but rather that they aren't able to understand.
Your poor daughter.poor you.
I wish you both peace.

[Reality]

heronbird
My BPDs23 was also bullied at school.  Strangely, he is always cold, like your daughter.  He always had cold hands and feet and still does. 
I am sickened to hear of your daughter's terrible experiences at school.  I feel for you and her and I hope there will be help for her now. 
Reality

[heronbird]

Reality, my daughter is not at school anylonger, as soon as she possibly could she got a fulltime job, that only lasted 3 months before she had a breakdown. Im talking in the past because its easier to see the whole picture when you look back and are not in it.

I used to think school was so good, trying to understand her and that I couldnt ask for more, ha I was wrong and dd never got diagnosis till age 16, so I was very blind in regards to BPD, never heard of it.

My daughter never liked anyone from school anyhow so home schooling wouldnt of been that bad, I just couldnt of done it.

Yes meeting after meeting, and always new possitive targets, how unrealistic was that
I had told them she wont get her exams, they said she would. after a year of disagreement, they agreed with me they sent her to a special school, she could go in very short hours, no uniform, as she hated uniform. and only 6 people in the whole school. It was ok ish but she hardly went in she did a couple of exams but I dont think she did well.

You know at that stage I knew she wasnt going to do well and I only cared about her welfare. Ive always just wanted my kids to be healthy happy and well ballanced adults with nice morals. If they did well in education, well thats nice. But not pushy on that one.

I wanted to write this post to see if anyone going through same sort of stuff at moment could be helped by others experiences Hi!

[almostvegan]

I'm going through similar experiences and I thank you for posting. Here in the US things are different with schools. My daughter goes to a private school so the fear of being tossed is always there for us as they have no legal obligation to keep her. My husband works from home so in theory we could homeschool but the thought of her being around all day is torturous.
I feel for you so much. I know that Pain you speak of, that PIT in your stomach, that constant worry and dread of sending her off every day. You have my thoughts and good wishes.

[almostvegan]

My daughter also always has cold hands and feet! It's called Raynards syndrome. Her extremeties turn purple when cold. I wonder if there's a connection.

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[heronbird]

Oh, I must look that up. But my P told me that she had cold hands and felt cold was to do with her depression, but they dont really care do they.

If my BPDD was in private school surely it would of been better. I think the pupils usually more serious about working and class sizes are smaller and teachers nicer because they are not stressed, am I wrong?

Yes, course you would always have that fear of her being tossed thats another worry but does she like the school?

[trytrytry]

Hi Heronbird and all,
School was a confusing place for my dd25 and me.  When she was little, she'd make a huge deal out of her birthday and invite so many kids -By middle school, hardly anyone came, and it was heartbreaking.  In HS she thought she was either: the center of it all, or that no one liked her. (more often, it was the latter).  She's spent alot of time alone, and crying about how she had no friends. Now, most of her friends are men/boys.   It's been one of the hardest things for me to watch-her perpetual lonliness.  She had some trouble w/ bullying in HS, but not too bad.  I wish I could have home schooled or something else. Public school did the best they could.  They had a crisis counselor at school, and she spent alot of time there.  A smaller school where she could have gotten more adult attention would have been good, but not sure the education system can afford that kind of help.
Take care - all of you.  You're so important to me.

[heronbird]

 Hi!
So sad to hear all that yet so familiar to lots of us. Funny though when you said about lack of friends and birthday party issue, it reminds me of adhd.  I can understand BPDs getting diagnosed with that. Also strange how my dd was bit naughty but only at school, I thought they were talking about someone else when they would tell me. But there was no proper boundaries there, they were unfair boundaries.
Hard place for lots of children even worse when you have other issues I guess.

[almostvegan]

Heronbird, you poor dear. It sounds like you carry so much pain with you and that you feel like nobody cares. That's so hard. I hope you can find a way to surround yourself with loving caring people or influences? I hope you have positive relationships with others in your life to help ease this pain. Having to deal with a child with this awful illness is hard enough without also feeling that her caregivers don't really care about her.
I'm sending you strength and support. We understand your pain here and do care.
Best wishes to you.

[heronbird]

Thanks, well I have got loads of support and great lovely family. But thankyou. I think those days were so hard because I never felt validated and I hate that dont you haha. Its bit better with a diagnosis now I think.

[FriedaB]

You mentioned having cold hands/feet...has her thyroid been tested?

[almostvegan]

Heronbird,
Validation is great but I gotta tell you: thOse days were hard because,well, they were HARD! it sucks. Simple as that. I'm happy to hear you're feeling better equipt. I hoPe to achieve that sence of peace you speak of.

[muffetbuffet]

Wow...I can hear a great deal about our daughter in these posts.  She has always been someone to complain about being cold.  Had her thyroid tested but that was ok.  Dr. said it was just the way she is.  School is nothing more than a place where she has a huge audience of people to perform for.  She is failing all but one of her classes. She is in trouble almost everyday.  Today I got yet another phone call for another BIG issue.  Out of school suspension on Monday so that the principal has time to sort everything out and decide a punishment.  There is a possibility that it might be an expulsion. It is a shame that it has had to get to this point to get the attention of the school and our therapy team to help us out.  We have been saying for some time now that there are big red flags and she is on a train that is ready to crash.  I can only hope and pray that this situation gets resolved quickly but MOST IMPORTANTLY our daughter gets the help that she needs.  It breaks my heart to see her in so much pain and so unhappy.   

[heronbird]

almostvegan,
Validation is magical when I do it properly it has turned things round quite well

muffet,
I wish I could go back to when my dd was a baby, but if not I thought one thing I would  like to sort out would be to go back to dd being age 10 or so and helping her more at school and listening to her. School could never meet her needs, thats where i should of come in and helped more. I mean, dont get me wrong, I did the very best I could at the time. Its just looking back and have learnt a lot.

Thats one of the reasons I wanted to do this topic because I thought other people with younger pwBPD could learn from what others learnt like me, however, I couldnt really tell you what to do. But maybe some ideas.
Hope you sort things out.
Why does your dd get in to trouble, what does she do? is she same at home?

[muffetbuffet]

Our daughter was adopted at the age of 7 and she brought a great deal of baggage with her. We were able to handle things when she was younger with the assistance of outpatient therapy.  By the time she got to 6/7th grade she was doing quite well. Grades were good; she was on the honor roll. She was into activities and overall was doing ok with a few bumps along the way.  The bumps were difficult but not life changing like we are dealing with now.  During the second half of 8th grade the bottom of our world started to fall and it has just continued ever since.  Grades fell to a point of almost not passing 8th grade.  9th grade has been nothing short of a nightmare. We argue of everything.  She has become very manipulative and defiant.  She is failing every class but one.  She has a new boyfriend everyother day and has become sexually active.  We had two pregnacy scares and she is now on birth control!  She has numerous discipline referrals for being disrespectful and not following even the simplest of school rules.  She is totally out of hand at school.  This past week she and her boyfriend had sex in the boys bathroom during the school day.  This little "afternoon delight" is costing her 10 days of out of school suspension, a hearing in front of the school board and a possible expulsion from school. 
Just trying to hang on one day at a time...one event at a time...to make it through.  We will be meeting this week with the school to find out their recommendation for further support for her at school. 

[Outsidemom]

Yes, grade 8 seems to be the falling off place.  My daughter recognized too that was the time when she started feeling the depression and anxiety, and worried about being bipolar.  She hung out with a kind of odd gothic crowd that reveled in self medicating their mental illnesses and comparing symptoms and I thought she was trying to fit in. 

Is there a member of your family that your daughter looks up to?  It seems to be so very hard for the BPD kids to feel a real part of things, and so many of the parents on this board have adopted their kids.  My BPD daughter was adopted at 3 weeks of age, and had no baggage, but there was a history of drug use in both biological parents.

I wish at the time my dd was in high school that I had recognized that her problems were more severe than a depression.  You have already dealt with therapy for your dd, maybe you need to look into help for yourself in dealing with everything  It is a huge learning process, and while your dd has to accept whatever discipline the school gives out, they are unlikely to begin to address the root of her problems.  It has been suggested on this board that you seek out specialists in BPD, not all therapists are trained to deal and understand it.

It is a very hard age - I tried to find ways for my dd to have self confidence and took her for horse riding lessons and singing lessons, but  there was always something or somebody that disturbed her and she would quit.

Unfortunately, promiscuity seems to be part of this condition as well.  Birth control is probably a good route to take.  ;p   I don't have a lot of faith the the school will find you a solution - they are there to educate and guide our kids, but not fix the broken ones.  Good luck, but spend some time talking to your doctor too! 

[heronbird]

My dd is not adopted. I thought a lot of people who post on here have adoptid children, is it more common then? I ve never heard that
My best friend is adoptided, she had symptoms of BPD when she was in her teens, she still has a bit now. She does not have many friends but I always stuck with her, she was hard work at times, my other friends ask me why I am still friends with her, but I dont know why, I just stuck with her. I pray my dd finds a nice friend one day that will support her and maybe bring her back down to earth  a bit.
Anyway I know Im going off subject now, sorry. My friend hardly has BPD symptoms now, but she is definitly NPD. So maybe our loved ones might be ok in later years

[muffetbuffet]

The more I am trying to educate myself the more I am learning that there is somethat of an overlap of borderline disorder and reactive attachment disorder.  Lots of adoptive children deal with RAD.  As with so many other mental health issues, different disorders tend to run together and overlap with symptoms.  The other difficult part of all of this is that it all seems to rear its ugly head when our kids are teenagers.  It is difficult to tell if it is really a mental illness or just being a rebellious teenager.  Raising a "normal" teenager is difficult enough let alone add in a little disorder or two...   

[heronbird]

muffetbuffet Hi!
My best friend is adopted, I think she had such a lot of symptoms of BPD when she was a teen, now she seems to have NPD. Shes such hard work and so selfish, I really struggle with her at times, I need a break from her, shes quite rude at times. But I stuck by her for 25 years. Poor girl, her adoptive mum was very strange and not what she needed as a child. She says she has always been left, first her blood mum left her, then her childrens dad, then her son when he was growing up used to say he hated her and couldnt wait to leave home.

I am just watching The worlds strictest parents, dont know if you know that. The teenagers in it are worse than BPDs I think, or maybe same.  There is a difference with our BPDs, I think its the brain and their thoughts. There is a girl in the programme who is about 17, she looks like a 17 year old but acts and talks like a 5 year old Id say.
I dont like it when our family therapist keeps saying that a lot of it is normal teenager behaviour, it makes me think she thinks theres nothing wrong with my dd. Actually, I have 4 teenagers and they dont do this sort of stuff neither do their friends, so I think I might know that too, if you see what Im saying. I suppose she is not validating me, and I dont like that.