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Think About It...The basic premise of cognitive therapy is that the way we think about events in our lives (cognition) determines how we feel about them (emotions). ~ Jeffrey E. Young PH.D, Reinventing Your Life
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Author Topic: Need some opinions... back with questions...  (Read 517 times)
OneTrickPony
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« on: February 09, 2012, 07:28:09 PM »

It's been a long time sine I have posted anything here on the site. I won't go back and rehash all of the destruction that brought me here in 2008. I am so far beyond all that now that it seems like a "foggy" dream.

Lately (in the last six months) I began dating a woman from Russia. She is very well educated and we tended to get along very well but, I have observed lots of dysfunctional behaviors and beliefs in her that, though I do not think add up to a raging BPD, are distressing and have pushed us to the brink. I will make a list of them and will do my best to be impartial and fair. I know, from my own personal experience, that when the pain is doing the talking, practically everything my ex did or said could be interpreted as dysfunction. That's not really what I'm interested in doing. I just want some interpretation of what I am seeing.

1. The relationship was "on" from the get-go. Our first meeting was all it took for her to go overboard.

2. Unnecessary gift-giving too early.

3. Excessive profanity, not directed at me, but used often.

4. Fantasies of being an armed bodyguard, military special forces, CIA, FBI, elite military and seriously wanting to pursue a career in one of those...bought a Glock handgun, reserarched bodyguarding schools. She is 5'3" and 100 pounds. I'm all for equal opportunity, but, really?

5. Constant complaints about her health, feeling sick, having headaches, upset stomach, sore throat, you name it.

6. An obsession with "death metal" and the dark lyrics of the genre. Not heavy metal, death metal.

7. An obsession with very degrading pornography that, in my opinion, borders on rape depiction. Autoeroticism while watching said pornography and collecting it from the internet.

8. Wanting me to treat her the same way in the bedroom. (I'll try not to be graphic here, but) telling me to choke her and do things I consider degrading to her.

9. Constant disatisfaction with her coworkers, mother/father, job, etc.

10. No apparent friends that I was ever introduced to in six months.

11. Still involved with her ex-husband trading cars, cleaning his place, cooking for him buying things for his home and clothes for him.

12. Very flashy and sometimes suggestive dress. "Normal" is not in her wardrobe. "Look at me" is.

13. An embarrassingly fake personality when around my friends or family that in no way matched the personality shown to me when alone. One person with me, another when others are around...not a "bad," mean or abusive personality, just a very different person. Always trying to impress and be liked to the point of being over the top and unbelievable.

14. Excessive unnecessary spending. Lost her job (no fault of her own) in August, drawing unemployment, not looking for a new job, but buying expensive shoes, food, clothes, gifts...a new flat panel television because it was on sale...is a food hoarder, her refrigerator is packed to the gills with food she'll never eat, so much so that she began filling mine with the overflow rather than stop buying.

15. Very low self esteem under the facade, has an advanced education, law degree, but has worked at jobs far below her skill level.

Those are the ones that come to mind immediately.

I'd like your thoughts and opinions. Like I said, there's no raging, no flying off the handle, but some very alarming behaviors.

OTP

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AwareNow
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« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2012, 08:00:36 PM »

Wow,

I experienced fear just reading this. Sounds like some very real underlying instability and akin to a lit fuse.
Maybe it hasn't gone off just yet but it's clear you are feeling uncomfortable enough to air it in front of
this group, and rightfully so. No doubt the sex is intense and also addictive, however, so is heroin.

I sincerely hope you continue to post your progress here. I personally cannot imagine the outcome. Makes
the difficulty of my dissolution pale by comparison. I wish you well.

AN
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empoweredone

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Do or Do Not ...there is no Try. Yoda


« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2012, 08:12:10 PM »

I think you have answered your own question here and the writting is on the wall!red-flag  Have you forgotten how bad it can get?
Run fast and far my friend... IMHO shocked shocked shocked shocked shocked


                          Best, Empowered One
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Empowered One
OneTrickPony
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« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2012, 08:27:15 PM »

I appreciate the replies. I should have prefaced the post a little more by saying that I'm not new here. I've been through The Valley of the Shadow of Death and have emerged from all of that three years ago.

I suppose I should have taken this to a T and gotten help understanding what I am seeing.

I am sophisticated enough now (thanks to this site and lots of books) to recognize the symptoms.
What I am curious about is which dysfunctions I am watching play out.

Don't misread the post. I have my boundaries intact and am in no way hurting. The sex ended a while ago
as she pushed, pushed it became "too important," and I realized that it was about acting out.

I'm just curious as to what's at work here...
« Last Edit: February 09, 2012, 08:34:50 PM by OneTrickPony » Logged
Fall Fund Drive
Sulu here. The BPD has invaded the bridge. I repeat, we have the BPD on the bridge.
Strange. Something is happening to me. I really like the BPD. He's charming and sexy and... oh, a little irritable. ohh myyy. BPDFamily needs help to stay on the air. It's our only hope. Sulu out.
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AwareNow
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« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2012, 08:38:16 PM »



Seems to me, 'What's at work' is something dark and foreboding. Since (as you say) "you are not new" it would be
good to remember that the intention, purpose and function of a relationship is for 'shared' mutual growth,respect,
passion, compassion, kindness and safety. If anyone finds themselves in a situation where these traits are rare or nonexistent, you are not in a 'relationship' but an entanglement. This is to be expected in the teen years and perhaps even the 20's. However, as maturity and experience make themselves known one becomes far less willing
to be a 'pawn' in someone elses mania. It is far too expensive in terms of time and emotional capital.

AN
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The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.
PDQuick
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« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2012, 09:40:22 AM »

Welcome back to the boards OTP. Your post is quite telling, albeit, from a different aspect for me, than what some others might see. As you know, we have all gone through a rough relationship with a person with a mental disorder.

After my relationship, I spent quite a bit of time analyzing dates, and potential dates, to see if I could pick out mental disorders in them. That lead me into a realm that I didn't like, and didn't feel comfortable being in. First of all, it left me paranoid. The old phrase that if you look for something hard enough, you will often find it rang completely true when looking for aspects of mental health, or the lack thereof. I saw many signs of personality disorders in most people. That led me more to being isolated by my own mind, than anything else. I saw the world as mostly disordered. Its kind of like not noticing a white Honda Civic, but then buying one, and now, all of a sudden, there are literally thousands out on the road.  ;p  

As I thought about it, there had to be a better way to evaluate people than my current thought process. I stumbled upon it one day, quite by accident. Now, I don't look upon people as disorder sufferers or not, but rather, how their actions impact me, and how I, personally, feel about them, without judgement. Let me give you a few examples.

1. The relationship was "on" from the get-go. Our first meeting was all it took for her to go overboard.

Rather than seeing this as the "honeymoon stage" of a disordered relationship, I choose to look at this in a different light. I, for one, do believe in love at first sight, and would like to believe that it can happen. Although, I am careful to realize that it is only a very small potential. Anything over the top, immediately, will send me into a deeper look into the patterns that the other person exhibits. I do realize that this is a warning sign, and will conduct myself accordingly.

2. Unnecessary gift-giving too early.

There are many people out there that utilize this method to try to justify, to themselves, that they are lovable. Even I have used this in the past, because I felt that the only thing I could bring to the table, was a commitment to love. My self worth didn't allow me to believe that I was lovable for who I am, rather than what I am. I felt that I had to buy my way into love. Now I realize, that it is a method that fools no one more than the person doing it. Love is meant for the heart, mind, and soul, not the wallet, bank, and store. As they say, you can't buy love.

3. Excessive profanity, not directed at me, but used often.

The litmus test of a person is how they treat people. If someone is easily angered by people, then, there will come a time when they are easily angered by you. Using common sense, and a knowledge of a situation, you can determine if each circumstance is acceptable. Did this person do something that deserved an angered response? Was the anger in proportion to the act committed upon them? Remember, what you see in front of you, you will see at you, at some point.

4. Fantasies of being an armed bodyguard, military special forces, CIA, FBI, elite military and seriously wanting to pursue a career in one of those...bought a Glock handgun, reserarched bodyguarding schools. She is 5'3" and 100 pounds. I'm all for equal opportunity, but, really?

Who cares if your 5'3" and 100 pounds when you're carrying a glock?  grin But seriously, everyone has dreams. She is entitled to them, and you are entitled to your own opinion about them. We will get into that more in a little while.

5. Constant complaints about her health, feeling sick, having headaches, upset stomach, sore throat, you name it.

This is one that I never make judgements on simply for the fact that I am not another person, and I can't tell how they feel. What I can do is to determine if these ailments are interfering with our relationship, and are causing me to be unhappy with it.

6. An obsession with "death metal" and the dark lyrics of the genre. Not heavy metal, death metal.

Each to their own on this issue. Different music speaks to different people. Again, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and likes. Again, more on this shortly.

7. An obsession with very degrading pornography that, in my opinion, borders on rape depiction. Autoeroticism while watching said pornography and collecting it from the internet.

Sexual fantasies differ from person to person. Once again, everyone is entitled to their own fantasies. I have one that...um, nevermind.  cool

8. Wanting me to treat her the same way in the bedroom. (I'll try not to be graphic here, but) telling me to choke her and do things I consider degrading to her.

This one isn't a shocker, considering the description on #7. The question is, does this make you feel uncomfortable?

9. Constant disatisfaction with her coworkers, mother/father, job, etc.

Again, look to the future. A great marker for what you will endure at some stage. This has a deeper meaning. None of us can tell you what it is. You know her. We don't.

10. No apparent friends that I was ever introduced to in six months.

Considering how she is always in dissatisfaction with coworkers, and family, this really can't come as a big surprise, now can it?

11. Still involved with her ex-husband trading cars, cleaning his place, cooking for him buying things for his home and clothes for him.

Well, we have established that she is a gift giver, and that she has low self esteem. Does this indicate a desire to still be accepted by her ex husband? Or, is this evidence that she is still getting some kind of support from him via some type of medium, whether it be emotionally, or financially? You know her, we don't.

12. Very flashy and sometimes suggestive dress. "Normal" is not in her wardrobe. "Look at me" is.

"Look at me" means, I'm not secure in myself and I need your acceptance and approval to feel good about myself. Now, how far does it go? It can stop at the dressing, or can go as far as the undressing, if you catch my drift.

13. An embarrassingly fake personality when around my friends or family that in no way matched the personality shown to me when alone. One person with me, another when others are around...not a "bad," mean or abusive personality, just a very different person. Always trying to impress and be liked to the point of being over the top and unbelievable.

Yet another level and trait of low self esteem. She doesn't feel that the authentic her is enough to draw the desired treatment, and acceptance from others, so she personifies herself as someone she feels she needs to be. Again, no shocker there.

14. Excessive unnecessary spending. Lost her job (no fault of her own) in August, drawing unemployment, not looking for a new job, but buying expensive shoes, food, clothes, gifts...a new flat panel television because it was on sale...is a food hoarder, her refrigerator is packed to the gills with food she'll never eat, so much so that she began filling mine with the overflow rather than stop buying.

Does she do this to overcompensate for her lack of love for the person she thinks she is? It definitely shows a lack of self control.

15. Very low self esteem under the facade, has an advanced education, law degree, but has worked at jobs far below her skill level.

Bingo. I believe you are on to something there.


OTP, the questions you have to ask yourself are these. Individually, are these factors something that you cannot live with, or feel uncomfortable with? And, as a whole, is this scenario something you want to advance, and have remain in your life? But, most importantly, the one question that you need to ask yourself are these. Despite all of these questions, and warning signs, why am I still in this relationship? What is my payoff in this exchange? What needs is she meeting for me, and are they healthy?


Instead of thinking of her as a potential mental disorder waiting to jump off the track, look back at everything you know about her, realizing that everyone on this planet is entitled to have their own beliefs, and to live their lives according to their own minds. Ask yourself if she is compatible with your desires. Ask yourself if you love her for who she is. And most importantly, if there are several things you wish to change about her, the answer to the first set of questions is no, and you need to accept that you cannot change anyone, and in trying, you are leading yourself down a dark, and lonely road, full of discontent. Either you can accept this woman for who she is, or you need to set her free. It is as simple as that.
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JustSaying
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« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2012, 11:21:27 AM »

What attracted you to her?
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empoweredone

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Do or Do Not ...there is no Try. Yoda


« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2012, 06:10:29 PM »

PDQ   WOW!  Awesome reply!  Very insightful and quite profound!  I got a lot out of your response to this post. Doing the right thing   Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I know it sure made me think.      Best,  Empowered one
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Empowered One
OneTrickPony
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« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2012, 07:40:33 PM »

Thanks, Quick.

I appreciate the reply and the time you spent writing it.

All points well taken and correct.

This relationship is over. The porn and degrading sex stuff is not me and never will be.
The dark music from groups named "Three Inches of Blood" again, not me never will be.

Again, no need to rehash.

Onward and upward.

OTP
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