how do you end "the silent treatment"

[tamerlamb]

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with the BPD silent treatment.  In my house this can go on for days and days... .up to a week or two at times.  And in those cases... .it's really hard to pin point an actual boundary violation... .because they haven't really said or done anything... .just the one word answers and not being friendly or attentive at all.  I know it's all designed as punishment, but I'm not sure how to put that into words since the "silent treatment" offers them a vast amount of deniability that they are even violating a boundary! any suggestions?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Auspicious]

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with the BPD silent treatment.  In my house this can go on for days and days... .up to a week or two at times.  And in those cases... .it's really hard to pin point an actual boundary violation... .because they haven't really said or done anything... .just the one word answers and not being friendly or attentive at all.  I know it's all designed as punishment, but I'm not sure how to put that into words since the "silent treatment" offers them a vast amount of deniability that they are even violating a boundary! any suggestions?

We have some discussions on the silent treatment - you may find that helpful.

You can, if you choose, make changes to what you do that can help protect you.  For example:

"I don't want to be around someone who is giving me the silent treatment. I am going to go do something fun or useful somewhere else, and not worry about what the other person is doing."

You don't have to say this - although you can if you choose - you could just do it

[united for now]

but I'm not sure how to put that into words since the "silent treatment" offers them a vast amount of deniability that they are even violating a boundary! any suggestions?

They aren't violating any boundary by not talking to you.

Boundaries aren't meant to control or change our partners.

Boundaries don't "force" someone to "do" or "not do" something.

When we discuss "boundaries", we are talking about how "YOU" take care of what's important to you.

So yes, communication is an important part of any relationship (you can't have one without it). Yet we can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. So all we can do is work on our own side of the street.

[LostinBPDland]

I usually just go do something fun and offer for my BPDw to come along.

Usually the answer is no so I go anyways.

Pointing out the error in their ways is never the trick.  It's the fact that you can move on from it that wakes them up sometimes.

It can be frustrating for sure.  Just try not to take it on and if it gets too bad, leave.

[xeon]

I'll ask if there's something she'd like to talk about or what she's upset about.  I don't go out of my way to ignore her, nor do I go chasing her like some puppy dog... .otherwise her silent treatment time is a good time to do other things... .play catch with the kids, go to a friends house, visit family, i.e. I'm not into sitting around to begin with, so if she's pushing me off via the silent treatment it doesn't hurt as much as it used to when I'd sit around and worry about it.  For one I don't take it personally unless I've said or done something that I need to take responsibility for. 

[acknowledgement]

What about when the silent treatment is from a long distance... .from a lifelong friend (3 weeks now and will not return phone call)... .? keep calling... .try to validate with I know you are hurt... .I understand... .?

[Surnia]

Hi tamerlamb

your post remind me the sentence: You cannot not communicate.

First I tried to be okay in the silence, do what I want to do.

But in the last two weeks my NPDh gaves me ST and it was obvious, it is ment as punishment. I reread the link above: it hits me, it is emotional abuse! I let me be silently under emotional abuse. I do not feel good about it.

So, what I try to do is: Communicate this. I do not want to be silent any more all the time. I will try to find quiet firm words. Like: I feel punished in situations like this, this hurts me.

I do not could try this, the moment I came to this conclusion, he starts to lower the ST.

I do not know what happens. Perhaps it will get worse first. No matter. It is worse now.

I do not know if this helps you. Just me thoughts about it.

[real lady]

You can, if you choose, make changes to what you do that can help protect you.  For example:

"I don't want to be around someone who is giving me the silent treatment. I am going to go do something fun or useful somewhere else, and not worry about what the other person is doing."

You don't have to say this - although you can if you choose - you could just do it

My uBPDh goes into silent treatment mode and this is EXACTLY what I do;

I take longer walks with our puppy,

I take MORE time for coffee at my coffee shop; alone.

I watch a movie in another room, alone.

I have planted a garden and spend MORE TIME in the garden and being around the things that I love and do what I love to do.

His silent treatment is supposed to be punishment for me (?) but I see it as a reprieve from his constant barrage of attacking every word, thought or action that I have. It frees me to "take good care of myself" and shows me that HE HAS THE RIGHT and responsibility to take care of himself.

I try very hard to not let it harden me. I stay AS cheerful or happy because I AM HAPPY and he is NOT going to make me miserable just so he can "feel better" I don't want to give him any positive reinforcement but let the silent treatment show him what it is like to BE WITHOUT ME.

My boundary is "I will not be pressured into making things right just because he is pulling back and giving me the silent treatment. I will LET the consequences of his behavior BE his... .and not take them for my own".

[divina]

My boundary is "I will not be pressured into making things right just because he is pulling back and giving me the silent treatment. I will LET the consequences of his behavior BE his... .and not take them for my own".

I'm in the midst of being treated to the Silent Treatment.  I have severe abandonment issues so this is a huge deal for me.  Since he has done thing before, that is, before we had a huge breakup and didn't speak for 8 months, I never held hiim accountable for this behavior.

Presently, once I realized he WAS giving me the silent treatment, I cut off all attempts to communicate with him.  My resolve is to wait it out until he contacts me.  From there, I'm not sure how I will proceed but I definitely have to let him know that it is a deal breaker for me.  (Background: He has thanked me for learning how to deal with his triggers, and how well I have done it. But this is MY trigger.)

So anyway, how did this work out for you?

[HopefulDad]

Silent treatment is a behavior and an extremely passive aggressive one at that ("silent raging".  Since boundaries are primarily set regarding behavior, you absolutely can set and enforce a boundary regarding it.

[Auspicious]

I never held hiim accountable for this behavior.

Remember that a boundary is a rule for you, not him.

E.g.

"I won't keep trying to engage someone who is giving me the silent treatment."

The nice thing about it being a rule for you is that you have power to enforce it

You don't even have to say it to him. You do have to say it to yourself.

[acknowledgement]

SOO painful the silent treatment! They use it to control you, punish you and of course deny their involvement. If someone keeps doing this to you and will not respect your boundary of no silent treatment, they are passive aggressive and are emotionally abusing you! GET OUT! It never ends... .

[isilme]

I usually do what another poster stated, and find something to do on my own.  I'm usually still around the house, but I can choose to do some yard work or clean out a closet or something, which in turn helps me feel better about fighting clutter or getting outside.

H is just moody in his "silent treatment" which is not usually silent so much as it's he immerses himself into a video game, and is quiet until he knows I am in earshot and then starts yelling at the screen, at the other players, and throws a few jabs my way for good measure.  I have realized this is just part of the cycle, and it will wear off after a while and that pointing it out just prolongs it.  I try to ignore behaviors I don't like, as that seems more effective that telling him I don't like them, usually.  It all depends of course where his emotions stand at that time.

My father's bouts of silent treatment were scarier.  He would go sit alone in the dark in the living room or family room, and walking too close or being noticed was just frightening, because this sitting in the dark usually followed a big fight or huge rage event where something got broken or someone got bruised.  To this day I try to be quiet at all times unless I am alone in the house, just because it's normal for me, not because H or anyone else insists upon it.