Don't know what to do next

[Think About It...]

My SO is upwBPD, she has a few addictions that she struggles with, smoking, sex, alcohol, gambling.
Over the past 2 months she has openly admitted ( without my proding ) that she is a an alcoholic and most recently ( this past Saturday ) that she is a gambling adict.
She gets child support from the fathers of her children and has said that she cannot go to alcoholic's anonyms or gambling anonyms because if her support is ever challenged in court ( which it could be ) that if it was brought up that she had seeked treatment in either area it would effect negatively her support payments.
In addition, she has just recently been referred to Psychologist and has stated that she will not discuss her drinking and gambling problem with the T for the stated reasons.
I don't know what to do, she has finally admited there is a big problem, something i have pointed out in the past but fell on deaf ears. It wasn't until her actions hit rock bottom and she had no one to bail her out that she had to face her demons by herself and realized there is a problem.
She is at that stage where she wants to get better but doesn't trust the "system" to help her out, she thinks she can only heal herself, i told her that her Psychologist will help her with her past tragedy and this may in fact help her with her addictions indirectly.
She asked me what to do with the gambling, my answer was, don't ever go back to the casino, she thought about it and later said that this makes sense to her.
Its tough, here is a person who finally admits they need help, but are too scared to get the help, has anyone else dealt with this dilema ?       

[moonunit]

My SO is upwBPD, she has a few addictions that she struggles with, smoking, sex, alcohol, gambling.
Over the past 2 months she has openly admitted ( without my proding ) that she is a an alcoholic and most recently ( this past Saturday ) that she is a gambling adict.
She gets child support from the fathers of her children and has said that she cannot go to alcoholic's anonyms or gambling anonyms because if her support is ever challenged in court ( which it could be ) that if it was brought up that she had seeked treatment in either area it would effect negatively her support payments.
In addition, she has just recently been referred to Psychologist and has stated that she will not discuss her drinking and gambling problem with the T for the stated reasons.
I don't know what to do, she has finally admited there is a big problem, something i have pointed out in the past but fell on deaf ears. It wasn't until her actions hit rock bottom and she had no one to bail her out that she had to face her demons by herself and realized there is a problem.
She is at that stage where she wants to get better but doesn't trust the "system" to help her out, she thinks she can only heal herself, i told her that her Psychologist will help her with her past tragedy and this may in fact help her with her addictions indirectly.
She asked me what to do with the gambling, my answer was, don't ever go back to the casino, she thought about it and later said that this makes sense to her.
Its tough, here is a person who finally admits they need help, but are too scared to get the help, has anyone else dealt with this dilema ?       

[xeon]

It's better than someone who doesn't even recognize the problem... she's going to a T, that's good.  Going to a meeting is a private thing and I thought therapy was the same.  This seems like a hesitancy on her part that's she going to have to work through... I don't know how researching her fears as being legitimate or not fall in enabling behavior or not... hmmm. 

[Auspicious]

It reflects much better on her as a parent to get help and treatment for serious issues than to try to hide them.

[xeon]

It reflects much better on her as a parent to get help and treatment for serious issues than to try to hide them.

Was thinking the same... but you never know in this world.  Burglar breaks in and gets to sue you sort of thing because he slips on a banana peel. 

[moonunit]

i agree with your comments, however, her financial situation cannot handle any deviances in her support, and honestly, do you know of any lawyers that would state in court, " she did the right thing and we don't want to take advantage of the situation ", that is the unfortunate part, i doubt very much that would be the case.
My guess, they would smell blood and go for it, so i can to some point understand her side. 

[Auspicious]

i agree with your comments, however, her financial situation cannot handle any deviances in her support, and honestly, do you know of any lawyers that would state in court, " she did the right thing and we don't want to take advantage of the situation ", that is the unfortunate part, i doubt very much that would be the case.
My guess, they would smell blood and go for it, so i can to some point understand her side. 

You can understand her fears, but this is looking at the situation the wrong way round.

Negative parental behaviors are harmful for children. If the behaviors aren't corrected, then it should affect custody.

The point is to protect and promote the welfare of children, not guarantee a check for the parent.

[iluminati]

I don't know the state, but if she can go to therapy along with some 12-steps as well as get said therapist to advocate on her behalf, it shouldn't be a problem.  If anything, the court system tends to smile on that stuff.  It would be to her benefit to just go and let the court know.  Once you report something like that, judges tend to give plenty of leeway with that, so long as she keeps up.  I would make sure she gets a therapist though, because they are professionals who are in a position to answer questions if need be.

[united for now]

Like many addicts, she is justifying not getting treatment.

Just don't buy anymore cigarettes
Just don't buy anymore alcohol
Just don't eat as much
Just don't go shopping

We tell ourselves this, yet addiction isn't that easy to defeat.

Are you supporting or enabling her in anyway?

[moonunit]

UFN, i am enabling her in the gambling, for  yrs i would bank roll it, every time the gambling went overboard ( almost every time ) i would end up bailing her out financially. I have now exhausted all funds so that option is not available to her anymore, and the friend of her family used to bail her out financially and he has now said no more, so this last time she was left with the financial burden herself and she finally feels the pain that i have been dealing with over the past few yrs. I am also the one that drives her to the casino so, i guess i am guilty by association. I have acted the way i have in the past out of fear, fear of her reaction and the fallout of that, unfortunately it has caused me financial hardship.
As far as smokes and booze, i do pick them up for her as she doesn't drive. So yes, i do contribute to her suffering.
 

[Auspicious]

I am also the one that drives her to the casino

As far as smokes and booze, i do pick them up for her as she doesn't drive. So yes, i do contribute to her suffering.

So ... are you going to stop doing that?

[iluminati]

Moonunit, here's one thing I will say.  Don't expect you not doing things for her to automatically cure her illness.  My wife has a major issue with binge eating.  In fact, I think it was one of the first things I brought up on this board when I first signed up a couple of years ago.  What I told her was that I wouldn't get her junk food anymore on demand.  Miraculously, she found ways to feed her own addiction. 

Did it stop it?  Heck no.  But it was no longer my problem.  She had to feel the pain of trying to make it work.  So long as she deals with the consequences, though, she'll eventually have to find a way out or suffer.  It won't be your issue.

[united for now]

How would she act when you told her "no"?

What thoughts go through "your" mind when you have to tell her "no"?

[moonunit]

UFN, if i told her no to getting wine or smokes all hell would break loose, at this stage in the relationship i am starting to build on myself and she is starting to back off on some things ( ie. she has really cut back on the number of phone calls i get at work and at home ). This has been a big bone of contention for me for a long time, she is finally starting to come around. Other area's of my life are starting to come around too. Not to say i don't want to see her cut back on those area's, i truely do. I am going to see what happens with her T sessions, they are starting next month. I don't expect any miracles, i do hope that it will help with her inner demons.
You ask, what thoughts go through my mind when i say no, the truth, is the worst thoughts, i anticipate a tantrum and if it doesn't happen right away then i expect it to boil and explode some time in the next day or 2, so basically i expect a negative reaction to me saying no.

[Auspicious]

So, you will continue to feed her addictions because you fear her reaction if you don't?

[united for now]

Facing a rage or even anticipating a rage can be scary. These fears lead us to say "yes" when it isn't in our best interest, and can contribute to enabling some bad habits in others...such as buying them alcohol when we know they will abuse it.

Facing those fears isn't easy, and requires us to tolerate some very uncomfortable feelings. Being strong when we love a person who is mentally ill takes pratice.

Sometimes its easier to practice saying "no" on small things and build up to the bigger ones. Or to find ways to compromise...

[artman.1]

Alcoholics annonomous is totally annonomous, because you do not register, you just show up.  You only go by your first name, and no-one asks any questions.  They will not allow you to tell them your last name.  You could even use a nickname rather than a first name.  How could that be used against her in court?  Since there really is no way to prove she went, how could it hurt her?  For someone who really does not face the problem, they can declare the problem exists, and refuse to do anything about it due to their denial.

Art

[iluminati]

UFN, if i told her no to getting wine or smokes all hell would break loose, at this stage in the relationship i am starting to build on myself and she is starting to back off on some things ( ie. she has really cut back on the number of phone calls i get at work and at home ). This has been a big bone of contention for me for a long time, she is finally starting to come around.

Here's a newsflash: All hell is going to break loose anyway, no matter what you do!

Perhaps it's my experience with a uNPDmom who flipped out on cue, but there's nothing you can say or do to stop the rages.  Nothing.  If you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, why not just do it and move on with your life?  Of all the foolishness I've put up with to make my wife happy, I haven't brooked any foolishness just to keep her from getting upset (if that makes any sense).  Just do it, get the rage out of the way, and move on with your life.  If she's willing to resort to violence to get her booze, you know where you stand with her.

[moonunit]

Thanks for all your advice(s), much appreciated.
I have a lot to think about for sure, decisions that will not be pleasant or easy to make.
Over the past yr i have slowly become stronger again, am i ready to fight the big battle, well, time will tell. I do know that i am doing better with a lot of issues, more so than i have been in yrs.
My SO has some huge hurdles to overcome in the coming yr, i hope that with the help of a good T she will be able to take them down one at a time.
I will keep you all in the loop as i move into the next phase, i am sure i will be back needing further advice, thank you all again !