Hey thanks it is like living in the twilight zone. I also have a lot of guilt because part of me wants to divorce so that I can have my life back but the other part of me doesn't want to because it means not seeing the kids everyday.
I am in exactly the same boat, except the part of me that wants a divorce has reasoned with the other part, and now I am just trying to figure out HOW.
In my case, the thing you are struggling with was answered when I really started to realize that I am not giving my kids a fair shot at being mentally healthy, or having healthy non-abusive relationships in their future. Yes, it is going to suck donkey testicles to not see them everyday... just the thought hurts so much. But for me, at least, I have decided that doing the right thing here has to be a part of fatherly love... in that it isn't always easy or comfortable, but it is (hopefully) best for the children in the long run.
For a long time I "stayed for the kids". Hell, even right now my wife doesn't know my plans (I am in the early stages of this decision), so I am still sort of staying for the kids. What I have come to see though (and it has taken me years...) is that in this case... in MY specific situation, the "studies on children of divorced parents" and all that other stuff just doesn't apply. I see the way my wife's behavior is affecting my children and I want so badly to show them that there is another way. Marriage, and life in general, doesn't have to be like THIS!
I don't want my crazy relationship to become their standard for "normal".
But I waffled for a long time. I committed to staying for a long time. I tried therapy, logic, reasoning, compassion, validation, communication tools (SET and the like) before I finally decided it wasn't going to work out.
I wish you the best of luck on your path, sandstone.
