So are you still glad you met him/her?

[Think About It...]

This is probably just a question for those who were in a short relationship with a person with BPD, but I got to thinking about it yesterday

Now that I feel (at least for today) like I'm over the worst of it and can walk away, I got to asking myself if I was glad I met him, or if I regretted the relationship.  My answer is yes, and maybe that shows I still have work to do, I don't know.  From the part of him I love (and there is a lot) I learned a great deal, and he opened me up to new ideas and ways of thinking about the world.

Oddly enough, even some of the things I have learned in the course of dealing with his illness where things he also tried to pass on to me.  In many ways, perhaps like a kid asking for limits, he would basically tell me I didn't set limits and expectations for others.  Of course, girlfriends that do with him don't last long.

Even dealing with his mental abuse and cheating, coming to understand this illness and going through the great sadness that he probably won't ever try to get better, I have grown as a person, been forced to look at myself, learned not to be a victim, to set boundaries to protect myself, etc. 

I will, however, also make a better choice if I meet another like him - no matter how charming and handsome!

[Heronblue]

This is probably just a question for those who were in a short relationship with a person with BPD, but I got to thinking about it yesterday

Now that I feel (at least for today) like I'm over the worst of it and can walk away, I got to asking myself if I was glad I met him, or if I regretted the relationship.  My answer is yes, and maybe that shows I still have work to do, I don't know.  From the part of him I love (and there is a lot) I learned a great deal, and he opened me up to new ideas and ways of thinking about the world.

Oddly enough, even some of the things I have learned in the course of dealing with his illness where things he also tried to pass on to me.  In many ways, perhaps like a kid asking for limits, he would basically tell me I didn't set limits and expectations for others.  Of course, girlfriends that do with him don't last long.

Even dealing with his mental abuse and cheating, coming to understand this illness and going through the great sadness that he probably won't ever try to get better, I have grown as a person, been forced to look at myself, learned not to be a victim, to set boundaries to protect myself, etc. 

I will, however, also make a better choice if I meet another like him - no matter how charming and handsome!

[FriedaB]

No, I am not.

[Confuzzled12]

No, I can't say that I am either. I firmly believe I was growing slowly and healthily towards being truly happy before I met the exwBPD. A lot of the good work I did was undone. On the other hand it was humbling to see that I'm not in a position to 'fix' people.
Overall I consider I was very damaged by that relationship.

[hijodeganas]

I am very glad I did, for a variety of reasons.

Looking back with more objective hindsight, I wouldn't take back any of my experiences, ESPECIALLY the difficult ones. They taught me the most.

There were a lot of great things about it, most of them indirect or so subtle that it took time away from it to realize how much it helped me grow.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[zoso80]

+1

Glad, no.

Did the relationship teach important lessons that I need to heed regarding boundaries, being healthy and making better choices going forward. Absolutely!

I got my free shirt. I don't want another one!  

No, I am not.

[C12P21]

Did the relationship teach important lessons that I need to heed regarding boundaries, being healthy and making better choices going forward. Absolutely!

I got my free shirt. I don't want another one!  smiley

[coffee shop]

No am not. I learned some lessons but I am very sorry I met him and married him.

[Easydoesitnow]

I still love him but right now I wish I had never met him.

[GP44]

It's a hard question to answer. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...the year I spent with her was the best year of my life. I got to experience so many feelings I never had before. The experience of that relationship until the day it ended helped put me in touch with the noblest part of myself. I have so many insights into the kind of partner I am when I am in a committed relationship that I wouldn't have otherwise. As painful as the ending was and continues to be, I would grudgingly have to conclude that I am grateful that I got to have that year with her.

On the flip side, the emotional devastation has been like nothing I've ever experienced before, worse than any other breakup, worse than bereavements I've had. I wasn't traumatized when my ex-ex and I broke up. Sad, to be sure, but definitely not traumatized, and definitely not still hurting 16 months after she and I broke up. The lessons I've learned don't seem to be worth the pain it took to acquire them. I've felt lost in a way that I never have before. I didn't know what BPD was before this happened and I didn't think relationships could end like this, that other people could be capable of such cruelty. Certainly did not think that of her, because I completely trusted and opened up to her. I now understand what the term 'emotional vampire' means, because it is hard to feel joy and emotionally I am so numb that it is hard to get excited about any of the women I have met and casually dated since the breakup. I am frustrated at my continued emotional unavailability.

[jMaine]

Ummm, is this some sort of trick question?

I started typing " hell no" before I even hit respond.

I just finally came out of a 13 year, nonsensical, unexplainable (until now), hellish relationship that had me dumbfounded and driven to insanity over the course of 12+ breakups and subsequent splitting, black paintings and recycles.

Along the way I broke up with numerous very attractive and amazing girls because exPBDgf refused to let go of her grasp as soon as I had discovered any sort of stability or happiness.

Every single one of those 12 times involved her calling/writing/texting out of nowhere to profess her "undying love"!  Our last conversation 2 months ago consisted of her angrily asking me why I keep asking her to be back in my life  Gas lighting X100!  Unbelievable the reality they manufacture.  I tried to seek amicable closure that respected our relationship and put closure to this insane 13 years.  Needless to say, that didn't go too well.  The call quickly became hostile and I was hung up on.  

Granted, I am now realizing that I played a role, codependency, et cetera.  But I had no idea what the F was at play, and have to work on myself.

Easydoesitnow just wrote "I still love him but..."

Honestly, these relationships  are a mirage, a faux friendship and faux love.  It's just awful it took me 13 years to realize this insanity was as abnormal as I knew it was, but chose to justify.

[NewStart]

I'd have to say NO.

Like some others here I was healing from divorce and at a critical juncture in life she's sent me YEARS backwards.

Most difficult for me, she probably damaged me to a point where the real woman of my dreams got away as I dated her a bit after my BPD relationship and let her get away as my BPDexgf taught me the WRONG things to look for in a relationship...

Here is to finding that nother one in a million that I let get away...

[darkstar]

Right now I would say no, I am not glad I met her. The wish of turning back the time before her impact on my life is too big. But well, I try to convince myself it was for a reason. One BPD before her must be not enough I guess.

[realityhurts]

My god no.. Grateful for the most destructive and toxic relationship of my life? You must be kidding.

[PDQuick]

I guess I am the only one here saying not only Yes, but, Hell Yes?

Admittedly, I am 5 years out of the relationship, and I have been here for 5 years. I also spent a good amount of time seeing a therapist.

Most of you don't know my story, but it really doesn't matter. It is a lot like your own, and it lasted off, and on, for 13 years, and many recycles.

Turns out that she wasn't the only one with problems. I had my own personal, little issues that allowed me to accept the relationship as it was. I had no clue what a boundary was. I had given her complete control of my life, my happiness, and my mind. I had codependency issues coming out of every place it could come out of, and to top it all off, I had a victim's mentality. She did everything to me. She lied to me, she cheated on me, she physically and mentally abused me... ect. ect. ect.

Fast forward 5 years, and I can look back and see that she didn't do anything to me that I didn't allow her to do. I stayed in the toxic relationship. I allowed her access to me. I actually believed that I could change another human being, without their permission, and through loving her to the point of no return. What I was doing was wrong, and the proof was in the pudding.

I had self esteem issues. I had codependency. I didn't love myself enough to only allow people who loved, respected, and admired me, in close. I took what I could get, hoping to change them through passive manipulation, mainly love. I tried to make a skyscraper out of mud, and cried when it fell down.

Now, I have realized many important life lessons, and I am very thankful for her, and the relationship for opening my eyes. Without her, I would still be doing the same things. Only now, with my new knowledge, and ways of thinking, can I achieve true happiness. She was one of the most responsible parties for allowing me to see that I had issues, and allowing me to feel enough pain to want to change them.

I prayed for strength
And I got pain that made me strong
I prayed for courage
And got fear to overcome
When I prayed for faith
My empty heart brought me to my knees
I don't always get what I want
I get what I need

Truer words have never been written.

[luckygirl10]

On most days, I would say that I wish I had never met my BPD/NPDh, but today I'm going to say that I am thankful for meeting him...only because I have the three most amazing daughters in the world and they make my life worth living.  Because of my girls, I have the strength to leave this roller coaster ride from Hell! Happy Valentine's Day to all of you...hugs and prayers for PEACE!

[yianks69]

No because of the rollercoaster, the pain, the tears she put me through.

Yes because of the rollercoaster, the pain, the tears that made me look inside my core self and realize my own issues.

[TheCleverCowboy]

I rue the day I met her. 

I might speak differently if it lasted for a year or two. It might be able to say that it built character and introduced me to the world of personality disorders, which prompted me to become educated on the matter.

But 23 years, half my life. I got cheated of raising children within a happy family. The kids got cheated of regular get-togethers with extended family. My financial future is now in doubt after years of working hard and making a very good living... with nothing much left to show for it.

Am I bitter? Hell yes I am! I'll get over it in due time, I'm sure.

[JJay]

No! Totally not! I've wasted 2 years of my life and it's unbelievable how much damage this short time with constant drama and stress already can do.  The only positive part is that I'm now aware of this disorder and that I've learned a lot of it which now (hopefully) helps me to stay away from future girls with the disorder. 

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

I don't know if I would say glad, but what I would say if it was not her it would be someone like her until I figured out that I had issues that I needed to resolve. She helped me to go back to my program and work on me.

I realized at the end of the relationship that I was dealing with a spoiled 3 year old that had major issues and that in turn made me look at why I chose to be in that relationship. I know I now know that I did not love nor do I think that iever did. Iwas addicted to the relationship to avoid my pain from my FOO issues. The way she end the relationship was the best thing for me in hindsight and very painful at the time.

I have spent a great deal of time, winery and money looking at myself and improving me for me to live a healthy and happier life.

No I am not glad, but grateful that I finally woke up and realized I chose it and I understand why and will work to keep my addict in the next room locked up so that I don't have to go through it again.

[ellil]

No I am not. Although I learned I believe lifes most valuable lessons, and I know much more about my own issues, although I have never been more confident and self sufficient and probably never more peaceful...

...

NO.

I WISH I NEVER LAID EYES ON HIM.

I miss the passion and excitement.

M