COMMUNICATION: How to respond to heightened emotions

[Marvin Martian]

While I had read "loving someone with bpd" I had loaned to a friend. Nice to have the "cheat sheet" printed off. Although things have been generally better, it will be nice to have the tools handy to help me with my responses in a seamless manner. Great feature.

[an0ught]

Crisis situations are very common with a pwBPD and they wear us out. Besides handling the crisis well - which is the topic of this workshop - it is vital that we are mindful of our own limitations and manage our boundaries. It can be helpful after the initial realization that there is a crisis to take a step back and consider to what it is a crisis that needs to be handled by us together, by ourselves or maybe by our loved pwBPD themselves. A not well thought out crisis response tends to blur boundaries and while that can forge a stronger "us" it also can blur lines of responsibility and increase enmeshment. The outcome of a crisis is not always satisfactory for the pwBPD and when we are not careful we who supported them get the blame.

Summarizing:
  - balanced response and constructive problem solving
           ==> better outcome
  - mindful of own limitations and boundaries
           ==> manage energy, avoid crisis becoming a lever to manipulate us
  - mindful of interpersonal boundaries in the relationship i.e. who owns what
           ==> strengthen sense of self, avoid increased enmeshment and getting blamed for outcomes out of our control

[Marvin Martian]

Crisis situations are very common with a pwBPD and they wear us out. Besides handling the crisis well - which is the topic of this workshop - it is vital that we are mindful of our own limitations and manage our boundaries. It can be helpful after the initial realization that there is a crisis to take a step back and consider to what it is a crisis that needs to be handled by us together, by ourselves or maybe by our loved pwBPD themselves. A not well thought out crisis response tends to blur boundaries and while that can forge a stronger "us" it also can blur lines of responsibility and increase enmeshment. The outcome of a crisis is not always satisfactory for the pwBPD and when we are not careful we who supported them get the blame.

Summarizing:
  - balanced response and constructive problem solving
           ==> better outcome
  - mindful of own limitations and boundaries
           ==> manage energy, avoid crisis becoming a lever to manipulate us
  - mindful of interpersonal boundaries in the relationship i.e. who owns what
           ==> strengthen sense of self, avoid increased enmeshment and getting blamed for outcomes out of our control

Excellent! A few days before Valentines day she dys-regulated, and had a bit of a rage. I have learned a lot, but still felt a bit drained. I focused on me, and didn't focus on her mode, and Valentines day actually turned out pretty nice. The above post is a good reminder & a good focal point.

[qcarolr]

What a great topic, and so timely for my conflicted r/s with my DD25 right now.

I am finding my biggest stumbling block is my own emotional regulation. I need to improve self-validation before I can respond in a crisis with DD. And I am afraid - this really gets in the way of thinking and speaking. I really want someone else to deal with this - call the police to mediate. They suggest family counseling. DD refuses any kind of therapy.

I am also coming to believe that drug use in pushing these episodes of extreme anger.

So hard to practice the first step in this process for me right now. I just want to escape. Need to protect my gd6 first, take care of myself next, seems not much left over for validating DD.

qcr

[ennie]

For the most part, I have been following this program for the past few years.  Not all of the details above would be appropriate for me with BPDmom, as she is my DH's ex wife and I do not have a very intimate relationship with her, so detailed problem solving would not really be useful...but a lot of the language I have used. 

What I notice is that she really wants to pull me in to her drama, and some of these methods result in me getting pulled in.  Not getting upset with her, but spending a long time out in the parking lot listening to her 1-2 hour rants and answers to questions like, "Is there something I can do to help you with that?" or her response to, "I hear that is really hard for you.  I imagine that must be difficult."  The result is usually eventual peace, at the expense of whatever else I was doing before the attack, such as watching my step-daughter's play, etc. 

LAst week, at SD7's school play, I did something I felt really bad about in the moment, but it had a different impact.  I said "hi" to BPD mom, and she turned on me with rage--basically asking me not to ever say hi again, and outlining how I am a bad person.  This was all in front of the kids, who were very stressed.  I said validating things, then (when she continued to rant and rave), I stated a boundary, "I am willing to talk with you about this later, but not right now, so I am going to go to the other side of the room." 

She kept following me, wherever I went, ranting.  She would start off by saying, "I am sorry, but you are just...(fill in some mean, bad things)."  I just got done with her leaving her 7 year old, who was the star of the play, to wander after me yelling and raising her fists.  This night was about the kids, not about the grownups. 
Finally, I looked at her and said, "You should be sorry.  You should be ashamed."  For the record, I do not really think ANYONE should be ashamed, if ashamed means to feel bad about who you are.  If ashamed means to be conscious of ways you harm others, I think feeling that sort of shame is useful and important.  But I do not think this is a good or nice thing to say. 

I truly do not think the kids heard that; they just saw me stand up to their mom in a totally calm and regulated way, and walk away from the drama.  So often, I am gentle and kind in response to the drama.

What changed was that it was the first time SD11 got mad at her mom for making a fuss.  It was the first time that both kids remained loving and connected to me and their dad when mom was their and upset (usually, they ignore us and cling to mom).  Most of BPDmom's friends made a point of being kind to me in front of her and the kids.  Two friends of hers spoke to her about the negative impact of her dysregulated emotion on the kids, about how hard it is on them when she needs them to hate DH and I. 

I do not know if this stuff will help.  Maybe mom will freak out this week, and the kids will need to come to her rescue.  I am not sure how much I triggered her.  And ultimately, I want to be a loving person, not someone who asks others to feel shame. 

That said, I think that me calmly standing up for myself, even though my words may not have been the best, provided space for SD11 to stand up for herself, and for others to stand up for themselves and to create an environment in which it was clear to the kids mom was out of control but still loved by her friends.  This is the think about just doing things that lessen conflict--it encourages all present to do the same, to walk away, pretend it is not happening.  There is something about VALIDATING dysregulation that makes others pretend it is okay.  That makes it hard for anyone to say "no."  So I guess for those of us not in a romantic partnership with a BPD person, I would say there is some line between totally validating, and not taking the person so very seriously that is important to being able to create one's own environment. 

I am not really sure what the "right" way is here.  But what I observe is that there is a trade-off involved in the choice whether to validate or not.  Validating makes less conflict, makes the BPD person feel better and thus make less fuss.  It helps them to regulate.  This is good for the kids to see, also safer, and also models for the kids how to deal with a crazy person to make them more safe. 

On the other hand, kids experience mom as "normal", even when mom is invalidating their needs and experience.  Focusing energy on the dysregulated person means she is getting a reward for "acting out," and that the happy kids performing in a play are not getting the attention they want associated with their hard work and good cheer.  I notice that if I focus on the dysregulated person, even when doing "everything right", I only later notice I ignored the kids.  I also notice that the kids then perceive mom's behavior as "working."  But to "cut off" mom's behavior, to ignore it and focus on the stuff that is more interesting to me, is not as simple as walking away or speaking in a kind way a particular boundary.  I am just more focused, at this time, in validating the behavior that is inspiring, loving, kind, and fun, because I want a more happy life than I have when I am busy validating someone who is yelling and spewing hatred.  I find that eventually, after 2-3 hours, validating mom makes HER feel better.  But sometimes, in SD7's big moment, I want to validate that instead.  Or for SD11, I want to validate her anger, not her mom's fit throwing.  I guess I am starting to notice that with a BPD person, if you pay attention to her all the time, she will consume as much attention as you give her.  And most of it involves listening to really mean and ugly things.  When I spend time around that, I am more like that . When I spend time being with kind people, I am more like that.  So while I think working towards being more loving in times of crisis is a great goal, and I am on board...I am not sure that validating it is always the fastest, safest route away from drama claiming center stage.  Sometimes, a little bit of a cold shoulder goes a long way. 

[ennie]

I also want to note that when I give a little cold shoulder, without meanness generally, OTHER's impression of what is happening is VERY different.  When I am engaged, even in a regulated and validating way with BPDmom, I notice others perceive us as "working things out," they perceive a mutual conflict and attribute blame evenly between us.  But when I am polite, but somewhat disengaged, BPD mom may become enraged, but to others, it is clear that BPDmom is not totally in possession of her faculties, while DH and I ARE.  This is important, as it turns out.  It is what makes school teachers WANT to follow the court orders prohibiting mom from volunteering on dad's days; it is what makes people perceive that BPDmom's story of the week may not be true.  It is what allows a little extra space for BPD mom to receive the consequences of her actions, rather than me buffering her with kindness and validation.  And while she may not be able to change at the core, the truth is that she cares how people see her, and so she MAY regulate a bit more in their presence, if she knows they perceive her as crazy when she is saying mean things about us.  I think my values are that being loving is really important, even under stress.  But my tendency is to want to tend to the problem with kindness, instead of to focus on what is not a problem.  And I think that it is important to not validate sometimes, so that others see the dynamic.  For example, in front of a counselor or court personel, if DH is very caring and validating, there is no problem with his ex, and court people think they are working things out, so no restrictions on communication or verbal abuse are needed.  But if rather than validate, he says, "I have a hard time with you stating that I am a bad father, and that you are always there for the children.  That is not my experience," then the T or court person gets to see her become totally dysregulated. 

In general, I find that BPDmom is okay and can even be loving, as long as she is loved no matter what she does, is the center of all attention, and there are no boundaries for her.  But if one's attention is on one's own needs, this is terribly triggering.  So there is a balance between allowing her to be triggered by focusing on the kids' needs, or my needs, etc., and focusing on her to "keep the peace."  Validating places attention on the BPD person, not on whomever else is being affected by the dysregulation.  This shapes others' perceptions of what is the source of conflict, and makes it seem like DH and I can or should do more to help BPDmom stop being upset, when the truth is that our complete attention only helps for minutes, and only helps a little, and that ultimately, her rage and drama is just who she is.  I think it is important in in public spaces to allow the person making an attack to be perceived as the attacker. 

I had an experience with a man who was on a high dose of methamphetamines who appeared outside of an office where I was attending a meeting.  He and a woman were struggling over a child, an infant, both pulling the baby in different directions.  I was concerned the baby would be hurt or killed, so I approached them and was able to sooth the man, by asking his name, offering water, etc.  I asked a bystander if the police had been called, they answered yes.  As long as I was there with the man, he was able to remain calmer, not be violent, so I waited for the police to arrive.  15 minutes later, they had not arrived, so I asked again if the police were coming, and the person who called told me they had called back, as I had everything under control.  My validation worked to make the man give up the baby, and to soothe him.  But it also worked to make others think he was safe, when the reality is that when I got 5 feet away, he was back to screaming and yelling.  In a crisis situation, there is a place for others' perceiving that something is wrong. 

[qcarolr]

ennie - thank you so much for sharing all this. It really helps me to see that sometimes the balance depends on the environment where the crisis is taking place. I can really see where the court, therapy, public arena may call for more of a meduim chill approach.

From going back and reading the other replies here tonight, I can see where validation works better when the crisis is not a personal attack. It is very hard to validate emotions that are just so darn unreasonable. There is no way to be sincere or supportive of feelings that are just plain wrong and abusive.

The other point I heard a lot is when things are moving from zero to 1000 in a matter of minutes, it is hard to even get out any words that are validating before the dysregulation is off the scale -- beyond stopping the raging or abuse -- beyond to 'point of no return'. At that point only our boundaries of escape may need to be engaged.

And I also understand that if I am in a bad place, so it is hard to regulate my own emotional state first (ie. not take it all in a personal way if I am the target) -- if the validating response is not from a sincere place it generally does not work. Sometimes I just am unable to be sincere - need to just escape or pass the baton to someone else that is there (usually my dh if he is there. my pwbpd is my DD25). And if my gd6 is present and I am being attacked, or if she is being attacked, that increases my inability to regulate my emotions.

If I can stop the madness quickly - and calmly - it is more likely to work.  Either I leave the scene, taking gd6 with me if she is present. Or I call the police to mediate - which they usually do without a crime being commited so no one is arrested. And this often turns DD's boiling over to a low simmer.

qcr

[Auspicious]

Emotional validation is just one tool in the toolbox. There are times to use it, times to use something else.

And yes, there are surely times when it is useful for others to see who "the out of control one" is. But there are other times when it can also be an inappropriate temptation to trigger the other person (and/or leave them triggered, when we have the option to de-escalate) so that we can get to look or feel like "the sane one".

Life is full of complexity    It takes a lot of practice, trial and error, and I personally think some prayer, to know when and how to use which tool. I'm certainly still working on learning

[qcarolr]

A quick reference  
#1) Regulate your own emotions
#2) Validate (do this at every step)
#3) Ask/assess
#4) brainstorm/troubleshoot
#5) get information on your role (if any) and what you can plan on hearing about the outcome



What if your loved one doesn't participate?

There is no guarantee that your loved one still won't get upset and want to attack and abuse you. This is where it is important to know your own limits and how to properly take care of yourself.

~ ~ communicating a limit ~~

* let them know that you are going to end the conversation if ______ doesn't happen (they don't lower their voice, let you talk, or if they keep cursing)

* give them a chance, even if it's brief to modify their behavior to a way of interacting that works for you.

* make sure you "own" that you are ending the conversation because of your reactions and what you want from the interaction.

* then follow through on what you say if they continue their behavior.

* validate and soothe your loved one's emotions about having a limit established

* assure your loved one that you will be available at a different time or for
a different issue


Shari Manning, "Loving Someone With BPD"

Seems this last part is really important when our pwbpd can't hear us - for whatever the reason.  And #1 above is actually the most important step. If I can't manage myself - I have greater needs to be validated myself - then maybe I am the one that can't hear. In either case, taking a time out in some way is the best solution. The hard part for me has been coming back to it later - lots of fear about more out of control behavior. 

qcr