Is It Possible They Treat Some Partners Better Than Others

[Think About It...]

I believe that my BPDexgf thought of me quite often, but only as a possession, to be used and discarded when she was done using me. Once I became too physically ill to constantly cater to her "needs" , whims etc, it was time to get rid of me. I found out recently that she paid a hefty sum for a 3 month membership to an online dating site 9 days after I moved out (in accordance with her demands). Most of my personal belongings, clothes, tools, etc were still in the house. She was raving/raging about how broke she is, but found the $150 for the dating site. Looking for a new man 9 days after a 15+ year relationship ended tells me I truly was nothing more than a disposable object to her and she definitely is a true BPD.

It actually still makes me retch a little bit when I think of how easy it was for her to discard me once I couldn't keep jumping through hoops for her. At this point I don't really care that she has a mental illness, I think she be locked away in an institution for the good of society before she harms anyone else, especially our infant son.

[BentNotBroken]

I believe that my BPDexgf thought of me quite often, but only as a possession, to be used and discarded when she was done using me. Once I became too physically ill to constantly cater to her "needs" , whims etc, it was time to get rid of me. I found out recently that she paid a hefty sum for a 3 month membership to an online dating site 9 days after I moved out (in accordance with her demands). Most of my personal belongings, clothes, tools, etc were still in the house. She was raving/raging about how broke she is, but found the $150 for the dating site. Looking for a new man 9 days after a 15+ year relationship ended tells me I truly was nothing more than a disposable object to her and she definitely is a true BPD.

It actually still makes me retch a little bit when I think of how easy it was for her to discard me once I couldn't keep jumping through hoops for her. At this point I don't really care that she has a mental illness, I think she be locked away in an institution for the good of society before she harms anyone else, especially our infant son.

[avoidatallcost]

At this point I don't really care that she has a mental illness, I think she be locked away in an institution for the good of society before she harms anyone else, especially our infant son.

At least I'm not the only one who thinks BP's should be locked up to prevent them from hurting more innocent people.  I'd like to do research on just how responsible BP's are for their own actions.  I know from reading all the books and stories about BP's that they are all too similar for this to not be a serious mental disorder that BP's may not have much control over.

But I still can't get over the fact that, when my BP really needed me for something, she could be exceptionally sweet and actually manage to act "normal."  Doesn't this point to the fact that they do indeed have control over the way they act? 

[Tazmo7521]

I think many people misconstrue emotional intelligence (EQ) with actual intelligence (IQ).  The BPD may have the EQ of a 3 year old, but the IQ of a highly intelligent adult.  They may not be able to regulate their emotions, but may be intelligent enough to plot and scheme their way to their desires. 

[avoidatallcost]

They may not be able to regulate their emotions, but may be intelligent enough to plot and scheme their way to their desires.  

No other sentence in the English language describes my BP ex as well and as succinctly as this one does.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[zoso80]

I can personally vouch for this.

After a fight in which I said I was done. I left to go to my parents for a couple days to clear my head. The next day dxBPDgf went to one of my unactivated Chase credit cards with a $9000 limit and in 24 hours ran up $5k in debt.  I wouldn't have known about it except for a fraud notice on my email.

Her name was not on the credit card nor did she had authorization. She perpetuated identity theft and fraud on me by posing as me. She rerouted all correspondence with the credit card company through her email. The only thing she didn't catch was that Chase already had my personal email on file. She also admitted that she was going to hide the statement from me. When I caught her the retort was, "I was going to pay you back" through sheets of tears. I knew better.  I filed a police report on her and told her if she didn't go the hospital, I was going to press charges.

She knew what she was doing.  In my case, dxBPDgf was intent on her wants and desires with zero care of the damage she did to me and the consequences her actions would forever have.

Dipping close to psychosis, she was a unsafe to be around. I couldn't believe a human being whom in the idealization phase seemed to have a good heart would steal behind my back and not feel an ounce of remorse.

What does this say about me not being able to sense that she'd do this?

If their perceived survival is at stake, they have no compunction in plotting and scheming to meet their immediate needs. No matter what destruction it leaves behind.

P.S. I too, believe they can be tremendously detrimental and in some cases, a danger to their children.  Aside from the emotional neglect, if the children speak about it, it may fall on unbelieving ears. The emotional and psychological scars on the kids are terrible. It's frustrating that the system does not want to acknowledge the insidiousness of what BPDs can do to their children.

I think many people misconstrue emotional intelligence (EQ) with actual intelligence (IQ).  The BPD may have the EQ of a 3 year old, but the IQ of a highly intelligent adult.  They may not be able to regulate their emotions, but may be intelligent enough to plot and scheme their way to their desires.  

[push pull]

I can say.. the more I loved her and harder I tried to be a perfect "soul mate", she cared less about me.. and the harder I tried to keep my boundaries and be myself and went on distance she was interested in me again..Just to bad, that a long-distance relationship until the end of my life is not what I prefer.. A no-win situation.

This is 100% what I experienced. The thing is, there's no real love when both of you can't connect, so when I withdrew from her and she was all over me, it didn't feel like we were genuinely connecting in the way a normal couple should do. Then when I reciprocated the affection, she withdrew and her attraction levels for me completely dropped. It was not long after that I'd find myself in dumpsville wondering what the hell I did wrong.

It's hard not to reciprocate affection when someone you love is being affectionate towards you. It feels like the BPD does this on purpose to set you up for a fall. It's like, they invoke feelings of love and warmth within you, which then makes you want to be the same with them, but as soon as you do, they begin to pull away. Then they begin to emasculate you for not "behaving like a real man".

 

[StillInShock]

I can say.. the more I loved her and harder I tried to be a perfect "soul mate", she cared less about me.. and the harder I tried to keep my boundaries and be myself and went on distance she was interested in me again..Just to bad, that a long-distance relationship until the end of my life is not what I prefer.. A no-win situation.

This is 100% what I experienced. The thing is, there's no real love when both of you can't connect, so when I withdrew from her and she was all over me, it didn't feel like we were genuinely connecting in the way a normal couple should do. Then when I reciprocated the affection, she withdrew and her attraction levels for me completely dropped. It was not long after that I'd find myself in dumpsville wondering what the hell I did wrong.

It's hard not to reciprocate affection when someone you love is being affectionate towards you. It feels like the BPD does this on purpose to set you up for a fall. It's like, they invoke feelings of love and warmth within you, which then makes you want to be the same with them, but as soon as you do, they begin to pull away. Then they begin to emasculate you for not "behaving like a real man".

Yep...I went through the same push and pull dance...it spins you out of control and leaves you very dizzy and confused

[Tazmo7521]

I just found an email my stbx sent to her cousin today.  She signed with her name.  In all of the correspondence I've had w/her in the last 1.5 years, she has never said Dear XXX or anything.

I think it is a matter of respecting outsiders more than their kids or SOs..  They have friends and family, but the friends don't live with them and thus don't see the real BPD in action.  They can get away with murder, but as long as it isn't revealed to the public, you the non are disrespected, treated w/contempt and hated.

BTW she never mentioned a word about me or the pending divorce.  WTH?  More secrecy.

[2010]

Re: Is It Possible They Treat Some Partners Better Than Others

The people that stay do not get treated better than those that leave.  Certain personalities continue to return over and over again to interact with a Borderline due to their own childhood issues. People stay in abusive situations because they are vaguely familiar with the voicelessness from childhood which they have repressed. The Borderline becomes a cipher that unlocks that Pandora's Box of memories. This person, the attachment, is a Fata Morgana.

For many people, a failed attachment to a Borderline gives them a mystery to solve. This can keep some people in obsessive engagement. Are they being treated better? No. There are no happy endings here.  A friendship or relationship with a Borderline can also give people exactly what they secretly feel they deserve but outwardly deny. They will return over and over again to attempt to extract their self esteem from the Borderline attachment. None of this is healthy.

This is a disorder. Stop thinking that "some partners" are better equipped to handle it. No one is above the disorder. It affects all who come in contact with it.  

[G.J.]

Re: Is It Possible They Treat Some Partners Better Than Others

The people that stay do not get treated better than those that leave.  Certain personalities continue to return over and over again to interact with a Borderline due to their own childhood issues. People stay in abusive situations because they are vaguely familiar with the voicelessness from childhood which they have repressed. The Borderline becomes a cipher that unlocks that Pandora's Box of memories. This person, the attachment, is a Fata Morgana.

For many people, a failed attachment to a Borderline gives them a mystery to solve. This can keep some people in obsessive engagement. Are they being treated better? No. There are no happy endings here.  A friendship or relationship with a Borderline can also give people exactly what they secretly feel they deserve but outwardly deny. They will return over and over again to attempt to extract their self esteem from the Borderline attachment. None of this is healthy.

This is a disorder. Stop thinking that "some partners" are better equipped to handle it. No one is above the disorder. It affects all who come in contact with it.  

2010 -- I am REALLY intrigued by your post. And I think there is a wealth of knowledge in it that I could really benefit from. But truth be told, your explanation is way above my intelligence level. I read your post several times... But I'm not fully comprehending it... Would you mind expanding on those thoughts in layman's terms? Please?

[2010]

Whether you like it or not, this person is bringing a hidden (repressed) core wound to the surface. Questioning this, even in denial, is natural. Some people are very controlled because most of their childhood was out of control. Children adapt to inconsistency for their survival. They become either very, very good or very, very bad in response to powerful adults.

As adults, this childhood adaptation is what is mirrored by a Borderline. When that adaptation no longer serves us for consistent and appropriate behavior-due to the chaos of Borderline beliefs, we begin to question it. "Wasn't I good enough?"  Engaging in a fight for understanding is what most of this battle is all about.

Inappropriate behavior must have a reason and we struggle to make sense of it in a way that we couldn’t as children. This mystery is what binds us to the Borderline and guarantees our participation in the disorder, which only keeps us involved in acquiring more misunderstandings. In effect, our adult self is re-working our childhood adaptations with a new stand-in and what a dilemma!

The old patterns of adaptation must now be revised. This can be very upsetting to people who worked so hard to repress the earlier childhood trauma with a structured "false self." The false self was what you thought would protect you from harm. It's also exactly the same reason why a Borderline partner is the perfect guarantee for bringing the core wound to the surface where it festers because the false self is failing to protect the true, core self from abandonment.  What you did in the past is no longer working. Being "good" is now working against you.

Trying to overcome Borderline disorder- is really a process of understanding the Borderline's initial mirroring of your false self. The false self says, "I'm good." The Borderline mirrors this good. The false self then congratulates itself for success-and broadcasts a projective identification of displaced good onto the Borderline.  This is a fusional quality where two people now feel like one and one of the reasons why these relationships are so difficult to disentangle from. The Borderline clings to the false self, then hates it. The false self panics and tries to be good again, at the expense of the true self's preservation, but the relationship decays into a push/pull battle for the initially mirrored, false good.  Both people suffer from core abandonment issues and annihilation fears but one is desperately trying to bear the weight of both people.

Although painful, the failed relationship is necessary to learn from and expand on for personal growth.  The core wound can be repaired and healed if the childhood pattern is explored and understood. Who does this person remind you of? The answer will probably change several times until it returns to a ghost-like parent. Once you realize these feelings are familiar but repressed, you can begin to process of releasing them during the abandonment depression. That is, if you leave this person. Your other choice is to hang on and continue the fight.

There comes a time when we all have to realize that the relationship we are struggling with is due to our own wishful thinking for childhood acceptance. Just like in BPD, thoughts can become beliefs. When our beliefs are so strong- yet, unsuited to personal happiness, we must discard them and replace them with new beliefs. This is the bulk of your work in the aftermath of a failed relationship, especially with someone who cuts so deeply into your core wound. We must understand the reasons why we became involved with a dramatic and erratic person who had as many ideas about who we were as we had about them. Maybe who we were has changed in the aftermath and now we can see clearly what needs to mature.  The repressed pain is at the surface and hurts, but rather than repress it again- you've got to delve into it. You can't delve into pain while simultaneously searching for the good reflection from your Borderline partner. Borderline personality disorder is a persecution complex. All you are going to find is a professional victim. Let go.

Boundaries are necessary to distance ourselves from people who don't share our healthier beliefs or who might have (with their own unhealthy belief systems) taught us to disbelieve ourselves.  This means stopping the dysfunction and discovering the emotions and sadness within that really are being medicated with your anger. As children we weren't allowed to express disappointment. Now, we can. But the disappointment is posed to who you think you are, not who you think your partner is.  Your partner only mirrored your false self.  Your sadness needs to be allowed as you let go of outdated beliefs about who you are and turn your focus to your true persona, the one who is scared and alone. That child has a need to be understood and deserves a pat on the back. Stop being distracted by trying to fix a broken mirror. Help that child.

It all begins with letting go of trying to control others and turning the focus to ourselves.  

[G.J.]

Wow 2010 - Thank you! What a great post. I'm going to have to read it several more times -- there is so much info in there. I think I get your overall point though. Thank you again. Looks like I've got a lot of work to do on me.

[Icecreamgenius]

'Looks like I've got a lot of work to do on me'

You and several more of us G.J

2010 - very interesting post. I wonder if you could elaborate why the Borderline 'hates' the false self so much. I broke NC under fairly controlled circumstances recently, and have been surprised by the apparent hatred my former partner now has towards me, even though I treated her like a princess for a year and a half and walked away from the abusive relationship when she asked me to.

[Faded]

hmmm, heres a thought that just came to my mind reading this thread.

I can understand that we want to think they will treat there new partner the same as they treated us, as though clarifying to ourselves that the Ex is truly BPD/PD.

As i was reading the thread though it came to mind that the partner that they are now with are not us, they could be very much us in terms of personality etc or they could be complete opposites of us.

Does thinking there partner is better looking than you have any grounds to sway our thoughts?
Does knowing there partner is actually that not much of looker/isnt a great catch in terms of looks have any grounds to sway our thoughts?

Either way, there partner is not us.

For me personally...

My ex is with someone i wouldnt call much of a catch, hes a decent fella but not much of a looker.
I consider him very similar to me in personality, seems quite a funny guy, caring, loving but a more docile version of me. Hes pretty much bald on top, has his belly showing in terms of a beer belly.

I questioned myself WTf was she thinking tbh! but it was her choice and i wished her all the best and him also.

Maybe the fact hes more tolerant/docile and just goes along with the random madness.
Hes not been in a serious relationship before so dont believe he would have any knowledge of random madness and its effects, hes in the stage where he either still see's it as normal life for him or just recently is when the bomb droppped for him.

So for me it comes down to the personality and experience in relationships of the ex's new partner/s to how long they would last.
Im also in the frame of mind that my high functioning ex wants to make this look like the perfect partnership and make it last as long as possible.
With a mate so docile and willing im sure theres another 3 or 4 years left in him yet.

In perspective, if we become the new partner to someone who possibly has a PD in some way then we have the knowledge now to make our decision to try and play the game or get the hell out.
Those that dont have our knowledge will be the next victim/new member here or they may never realise  or have what is considered a normal, loving and mutual relationship.

Phew, hope that makes sense.
Had along day at work and just split open a can

[ithurts2much]

I have spoken with both her previous partner before me and the one who came after me. Both of them expressed the same frustrations with her that I did.

She attempted to recycle me and I found out that she had been cheating on her current partner, with me, for the entire duration of their relationship. A LOT was discovered in that time and I am now counting my lucky stars about the bullet I dodged.

During that time I talked with her current partner (they got back together after I refused to deal with her crap). She had been treating him like dirt, yet he went right back to her and just accepted all her cheating - mindboggling.

I don't think they treat other partners any better than they treated us. Depending on the reactions of the partner, it will just be different types of abuse. I was always pretty stubborn about my boundaries so the fights got progressively worse and just blew up in a big way.

I was very lucky with timing and her attempt to recycle me, that I got to speak with her partner. He said some very nasty things about her and she expressed that she had no desire to continue a relationship with him. Which makes me just feel sorry for both of them.

[bpdlover]

I'm glad you had the chance to speak to ex partners. I believe that it's all about them so the treatment of others is irrelevant in many ways. They will always be a handful until they get help. Mine kept everything under lock and key. Her phone was always out of sight or turned off. I was rarely allowed on her computer except to load music. I got negative and unusual stories about her parents and second hand gossip that made no sense. It was like she was setting me up to fail in their eyes a long time before we broke up. The ex never spoke to me and I didn't get his number either. The end for me was about standing up for me. I was very frustrated and this showed her that I had really got to the end of my patience. She never returned and filed an RO on me. She also broke up with her ex before me the same way. They were both false and exaggerated and given to her very easily. It was the ultimate insult and she used her/our children as excuses in both cases. I also saw it as a blessing. I feel for anyone caught up in her shallow childish schemes and grandiose power plays. She has been away from me almost two years and I am happy with that. Hoping she is NPD and doesn't return after the order is lifted. Would that be too good to be true?

[Sailskier]

That child has a need to be understood and deserves a pat on the back.

2010...thank you!  I always look for your posts.  This one, in particular, has resonated profoundly to me.  All you've stated has struct me in a very familiar manner, but the portion quoted above caused a bout of tears.  

Until this journey, I'd never thought of myself as a lonely child, abandoned, and unheard. Since being unheard and invalidated was a common occurence, I learned to do...I learned that if I did something for my mother, she would show her love for me. I recall, at the tiny age of 5, picking wild flowers/weeds for hours, obsessing on which she would prefer.  When I would present this bouquet, she would loudly pronounce how wonderful I was; that was the only time...all other times, I was told to go away and behave.  This picking of flowers continued into adulthood...I did for her, and all others.  I expected love...recognition of the "good" in me.  It always worked...until now...until BPD.
 

[Gowest]

Can anyone else confirm this idea that the more you love the BP ex, the worse they treat you through their own experiences?

No... The rule is that the more you feel you need them, the more they can use you.

[Sailskier]

Can anyone else confirm this idea that the more you love the BP ex, the worse they treat you through their own experiences?

In my experience...he treated me worse when he recognized that I was 'in" for the long-haul. He felt engulfed, he felt that he would have to give of himself; lose control, divulge who he really was.  His self core/identity is almost non-existent (as he perceives), and to give that up spins him into self-perservation.

 It matters not, they treat you well one day because they feel unsure of your love, they treat you badly the next because they are sure.  Conversely, they treat you badly because you leave them, as they stalk and abuse you, then treat you well for a tiny bit, until you are back 'in-the-pocket".  Push/pull behavior is at play here.

My take

[ithurts2much]

This is 100% what I experienced. The thing is, there's no real love when both of you can't connect, so when I withdrew from her and she was all over me, it didn't feel like we were genuinely connecting in the way a normal couple should do. Then when I reciprocated the affection, she withdrew and her attraction levels for me completely dropped. It was not long after that I'd find myself in dumpsville wondering what the hell I did wrong.

It's hard not to reciprocate affection when someone you love is being affectionate towards you. It feels like the BPD does this on purpose to set you up for a fall. It's like, they invoke feelings of love and warmth within you, which then makes you want to be the same with them, but as soon as you do, they begin to pull away. Then they begin to emasculate you for not "behaving like a real man".

I noticed during our relationship.

At first she was crazily "in to me". All over me like a rash, constantly. It just seemed kind of strange to me, because she barely knew me, but I just went with it. I became REALLY in to her. Boom, we swapped positions. She quickly started becoming emotionally abusive, I wouldn't have a bar of it. She threatened to break up, I called her bluff. We swapped positions again - she commented on this during one of her "loved up" phases, that I had turned the tables on her. As I slowly grew to trust her again, trusting she'd gone through a short "phase", I began to love her wholeheartedly again. Boom, we swapped positions again.

This time, instead of having healthy boundaries, I just trusted she would "come right". She didn't. The harder I tried, and expressed love for her, the more anger and emotional episodes I got in response. Until it completely boiled over - one night I had just "had enough" and stopped walking on eggshells. I told her that emotionally, she treated me worse than my father ever had (I had an abusive alcoholic father). The relationship exploded. ONE DAY later, she told a new man she loved him. ONE DAY.