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Author Topic: Accepting reality of our willingness to put D25 out on the street  (Read 978 times)
qcarolr
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« on: February 18, 2012, 04:04:53 PM »

As many of you know, dh and I have been struggling with the 4-5 week cycles into rage of our BPDDD. With out gd6 in our home under our custody responsibility it has been very tough for us to manage this the past few months. We also believe that these 3-5 day periods when she loses her ability to manage her emotional distress are pushed by drug use. Of course she denies using meth, but the physical evidence and association with others that are users is present. We are trying trying trying to get our heads out of the sand. At those times when she is just plain angry she has picked lots of holes in her face, neck, belly and she has lost a lot of weight - like 50 pounds since November. She struggled for several years to lose her 'baby weight' after two kids in two years. This delcine in her self-control also happens after she gets her small monthly cash stipend from the county.

So dh and I have been pondering ways to exit her from out house before we have to call the police to mediate this again. DD refuses to leave the house or take a time out in her room when she is this out of control. I have been very assertive in protecting gd during these incidents, and we are working well with gd's T, but there are many pushing us to get her out of our house.

Looking back over the past couple years I do see that DD is more stable being in our home - 90% of the time. She is sleeping, she is eating more healthy, she is appropriate around gd. She is taking her prozac for depression and anxiety, and this is much more stable. She is working to get her face healed. So will she get that she can't use the meth? Is she addicted since she really seems to not be doing this all the time? Or are we just poking our heads in that nice warm, comfortable sand.

The reality - we are not willing to put her out in the snow on the street with no ability to pay for a place to live. We considered signing my older car to her - she would at least have somewhere to keep her stuff from getting stolen or thrown away. But I would need to get another car -- we do not have the financial ability for anymore payments. Deeply in credit card debt already. We cannot afford to help her pay for an apt. and do not want any legal liability for a place we have no control over - we would not co-sign on anything with DD. We need to hold out a few more months and see how her final SSI appeal turns out.

Dh and I talked about boundaries today and how pointless a boundary is if we are not willing or able to follow through with the consequences. DD is on me all the time for being inconsistent with gd. The child T is working with me to be more consistent with both gd and DD - well and dh too. I am tired of going around and around in my head about DD in our house or out of our house.

This is all just so hard, and I get tired. I lose my willingness. But I did go to my Al Anon meeting yesterday, and have been taking 15 minutes to read my 'Courage to Change' book each day. I realize I have to keep practicing every day being willing to participate in my life. And I am fully putting myself into my role as gd's caregiving parent.

I have mellowed my Wise Mind a little - was actually doing a more rigid LC which was feeling like abandonment to DD. So maybe I can take a very superficial interest in her clothes hording/purging hobby. It gives her something to do. And she is doing much more of the purge part. (She dumpster dives, shops at free clothes pantries, trades stuff with friends, takes stuff back to clothes pantries as re-donation. She is getting better at finding my size and taste and for gd as well. Just wish there was a way to make this into a small income producing activity for her).

So am I just going around and around in this post? Have to listen to what others have to offer then work out with dh what we are willing and able to do for today. We will see where we end up after the first of March comes around. If the raging comes again the motivation will most likely be present to set her out on the street - maybe with my car if that is what it takes for dh and I to come to that decision. I have my safety plan in place with gd and the T - always have my keys and phone in my pocket when home. Have neighbors willing to let us come over without notice. Will leave immediately with gd.

BPD just sucks, as does drug abuse. Brings the monster side out in our kids. cry

qcr cool

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« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2012, 06:14:48 PM »

Qcarolr,  Sorry to hear you are in such a difficult situation.  Meth is highly addictive and one of the hardest illegal drugs to kick.  The recidivism rate is very high, as high as 90 percent.  Numerous attempts are often made before the habit can be kicked.  Over time it damages the brain and can induce a persistent psychosis similar to schizophrenia.  If your daughter is using, she will likely need intervention to help get off.  I doubt she can do it by herself.  Google it to understand more.  I know as one of my siblings was an meth addict for number of years.  She may "get" that she can't use meth but it won't stop her.  The first step is to get to her to confine her reality to you.  On the car, I can't see that as a good decision.  In a worse case situation, if she maims or kills someone with it, how would you feel and how much liability would you have?  You don't have to put her out in the snow but you do have to get her to put her trust and honesty back with you so that you and she can fight this thing if indeed she is using.  Frankly, I would go with your gut feeling on this.  Sometimes I find it helpful with my son to not ask but rather to just talk (at an approachable moment) as if we have already agreed to the reality of something.  That way you get around the "are you using meth" conversation part and go to the "you know I am reading a lot about meth addiction and I understand that xyz will help you get off of it.  I have researched a clinic/program/xyz where they have some ways to help.". Again I am very sorry that you are facing such a difficult situation.  If she reinvests her trust  with you it will go along way to begin addressing the myriad of problems.  Boundaries will help with BPD.  However, I don't believe they will be an adequate  response to addiction. 
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peaceplease
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« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2012, 07:26:15 PM »

Aw, qcr - my heart really breaks for you.  I know that it isn't easy.  If your dd is a binge user, she still has a problem with abuse.  And, to use crystal meth at all is  drug abuse.  I have never heard of a social user of crystal meth.  She most likely would need a rehab to help her with this.  Would you be willing to allow her to return to your home after successful completion of rehab?  Could you make the choice it is either rehab or out?  Making it not an option, if she would like to contiue to live with you. 

Now, I know that is way easier said than done.  I  think that I can recall that you said that your dd does not do groups and has always quit drugs on her own.  But, sometimes it just gets too big without help.  Perhaps, you can put it in a way that she would be surrounded by peers that would empathize with her agony of addiction.  And, as I sit here typing I do recall your dd preferring jail to rehab.  And, looking at whole picture, I see no easy way for you to do this. 

One idea that I can think of is to tell her that you highly suspect that she is using crystal meth after she gets her money.  Verbalize all that leads up to your strong suspicions.  Tell her that you really want her to prove you wrong.  And, that she will be randomly drug tested for crystal meth.  And, if she tests positive that she must leave.  You continue to have the right to test as long as she resides in your home.(and, these must be supervised by you while she is giving specimen)  Trust me, it is so easy to make the results negative when you are not observed.  There are several ways to make a negative test.  And, if she refuses to this, then she must leave. 

Also, tell her that you know that she really loves your gd.  Tell her that you know that deep down she wants what is best for her dd.  Tell her that you are so sorry for her pain, and that she is self medicating.  Tell her that you do not see drug use as a moral flaw, or that she is a bad person.  Tell her that drug abuse is an illness, and that it is not her fault that she has the disease.  However, it is her fault if she chooses not to treat it, for the wicked disease that it is.  And, perhaps that if she seeks treatment it will help in her being awarded SSI.

An addict will rarely ever admit to drug use, unless they are really ready to get help.  I know that the first time that my dd went to rehab, I told her that she needed rehab or she was out.  That very night, she was caught snorting drugs in the restroom at work.  Her boss told her that if she went to rehab that she would have her job when she returned.  She came home crying that night, and asked me to set her up with rehab.  I believe that I was ready to follow through the eviction at that time, and her boss just made it so much easier for me.

Your situation is complicated.  I know that in ways you see that your dd has made some improvements.  And, that it would be hard for your gd to see her mom homeless, again.  You are darned if you do and darned if you don't.  But, I think that she will probably continue with her rages, and that is where you have to decide what is the least of all evils.  I know that you struggled when your dd was out of your home and homeless.  But, you are still struggling with her in your home. 

Do you currently have a T to help you with all of this?  I think that if I were you, I would definitely need a therapist to help me with this.

I will be praying for you, my friend, qcr.  

 
peaceplease

ps - I can't get my spell check to work right, so please overlook all typos.   grin
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« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2012, 09:01:26 PM »

Rehab also came to my mind to me as a possible solution, if you could get her to go.  Meth is one of the most addictive drugs in existence.  I don't know the statistics, but I would be willing to bet that few, if any, have kicked it without help. At minimum, inpatient rehab would get her out of your home, put her into a safe place, and separate her from her destructive friends.  Best case, it might help her get off the drugs and control her dangerous behavior. Of course I don't know if that is an option.  Whether there is a program available, whether she would go, and how it would be paid for are obviously major questions. I hope you can find a solution for your own peace and for your GD's welfare. Does anyone you have talked to - therapists, social workers, and psychiatrists - have advice to offer? 
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« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2012, 09:16:02 PM »

qcarolr
   I do not have any insight into your situation.  I just wanted you to know that your plight has touched me deeply.  I can not imagine what a horrible situation this is as a mother and grandmother.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.
              Tightrope Walker
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qcarolr
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« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2012, 12:11:23 AM »

I will find some support around what rehab is available in our area as a next step, and if there is a means of payment for her as an 'indigent' person. She has this for her medical care through a local clinic. I need someone to be here for me - I am so naive about all this drug stuff. dh and I almost live in a protective bubble. I need to call a friend in my al anon group that did an intervention for her son's heroin addiction. Maybe she can give me some resources.

My fears lead me away from helping DD - maybe I can see tonight that her sharing about her exbfV doing a lot of meth as a reaching out to me for help - I need a script to repond from. ANd that doesn't even seem to be working for me.

The child/family T is gently leading me in this direction. She is so good at what she does. So good with gd. She has cautioned me to step back from my compassion for DD. I think she finally got last week that I shutdown when with DD and confronted with all this need from her for my trust and help. Her answer to me was something along the line that DD must trigger me in some way. I physically look down - rarely make eye contact with her. I just don't want to see what is there.

DD was really very good with gd tonight at dinner. Mostly slept the day away again prior to that then disappeared downstairs again after dinner. She had a good sense of humor. DD and her friend G prepared dinner tonight - it was good. Gd tried to eat it, pretended to like it and then did not finish after her mom left the table. I see so much benefit coming from her T sessions the past 2 weeks. I also see gd protecting herself - not being in the house alone with her mom, trying to act in a way to not trigger her mom. I am glad there is not much contact time with DD actually. Dh and I really enjoyed gd's plafulness tonight. She was watching some obstacle course show with him, and set up an obstacle course in the living room with pillows and blankets (the blue blankets were the water that the contestants fell into). THe we tossed little stuffies around the room - even got our litte schnauzer puppy playing genltly with us (his can be fiesty one sometimes - BPD little doggie with low arousal tolerance for people and animals outside the family).

My personal T is not much help to me. He has watched me struggle and grow over the past 15 years or so. He seems to just see the improvements I have made. And the HMO has very limited services for our area - he is a long drive away. So I am relying on the family T with gd right now. And I need to reconnect with my Al Anon group - I took a break the past 6 months for whatever the reasons were. Feeling a failure mostly for allowing DD back into our home. I can feel that she needs us to help her and she cannot ask directly for help. I will look for something - there is no money from us for her. Have to find a program with scholarships. Maybe my boss can help me - he seems to be friends with the director of a residential program in a nearby town that has a good reputation. It is only a 30 days program though, and last time I checked it was about 10k. (THat was 5 years ago when gd's daddy was in jail and I was looking for a place for him on probation. He left the state instead. Now that is a whole other story now that he is out of prison - supposedly going to rehab program tomorrow, and calls gd nightly - at least the two nights since his release. So glad he is in another state.)

Think I need my sleep now to have courage and strength for tomorrow. Keep me in your prayers - for guidance and the ability to take it in and use it.

qcr cool
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« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2012, 02:11:45 AM »

Qcarolr,  here is the website for the National Institute for Drug Abuse which is part of the National Institute of Health http://www.drugabuse.gov/patients-families
It is a helpful page.  By the way my sibling was able to get off of the addiction and has been free of meth for many years.  There is hope. 
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« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2012, 02:35:58 AM »

24/7 treatment locator service run by the federal government's Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Helps people locate treatment facilities near them.  If there is no health insurance they refer to the state offices and programs that are low cost and also programs with sliding scale fees.  Confidential and no cost service.
http://www.samhsa.gov/treatment/index.aspx
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« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2012, 02:58:23 AM »

Pretty good site with info on meth addiction http://www.recoveryconnection.org/methamphetamine-addiction-treatment-withdrawal/

Be aware while this is a helpful website and it might be worth a try to talk to them this nonprofit is connected to a company that runs treatment centers in Florida.  They do state this clearly on their site. 

Wish I could help you more.
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« Reply #9 on: February 19, 2012, 07:28:23 AM »

qcarolr,

I think you have made remarkable progress, I think you are a very loving mother to face your daughter's situation.

There is such good advice above this post of mine.

In knowing my SD it's easy to see that she is a sitting duck for addiction. She, like your daughter, does not want to face herself and drugs ease the pain, the guilt, the worry, the anxiety. Now that she is sober she still has the personality disorder but the steps she has worked in her program have truly helped her to regulate. She needed a clean slate to begin again, to build herself into someone she herself could tolerate.

Truth is, she will probably never really be able to delve too deeply into what is amiss in her psyche. But AA keeps her on a path she can navigate. It gives her some clout. It gives her that extra family that she has been seeking.

There will be services out there for your DD. Start with a rehab that has a sober living facility for aftercare and ask them what charity they might have to offer. I've been amazed at what is available for addicts. If you can't get help with one try the others. I don't know how close you are to a major metropolitan area...you may have to send her to another town.

You will have to be very, very strong in this. Talk to your DH and get on the same page. This is the best thing for your daughter. You do not want to let her get so low in her addiction that she does something irreversable, unforgivable, destructive.

You always hear about addicts needing to reach a bottom. I don't agree with that necessarily. Peaceplease gives a lot of ideas for the conversation to have with her. Try to reach her with your love, with her love for her daughter. Even if she has a hard time  thinking about her bad behavior, knowledge of this is inside of her and I'm sure she fears what she deep down knows she is capable of. I think that's why she told you she thinks about hurting you.

Best wishes. Please keep going to your al-anon group. They understand and can help you with humor and empathy.

Thursday
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qcarolr
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« Reply #10 on: February 19, 2012, 01:42:22 PM »

The biggest block in this process is DD herself and her oh so powerful resistance to even getting an evaluation. She did get an addiction initial eval back when gd was a tiny babe but bailed out after the first session. Later when in the system with her son in foster care she was court ordered for monitoring and evaluation - she bailed on that as well. I was so in denial about the drug use all along - and always did the 'poor dd with her cognitive impairment and mental illness issues'. I am slowly realizing how undermining this denial has been for me to be in her life. Yet, maybe neither of us was ready to face down this monster. I am still resistant.

I always have held DD to a different standard than her friends - actually giving more support and compassion to encourage recovery to her various friends and bf's over the years. Was this because there were needs I had that I unconciously expected DD to fufill?  So many questions.

I have called a few places today looking for inpatient adult treatment with payment assitance. I have to wait until tomorrow to contact the state agency to see if there is any funding availble there. Guess my plan is to find the resources, the find a positive way to offer these to DD. All this before she gets her money in March. If she loses it - violent raging - in March she has to leave. I need to find the courage to say this to her before then, and be able to follow through. I need to do this as a team with Dh. Oh so hard. Then have to limit her  contact with gd based on drug testing results - even if we have to pay for these tests. She may refuse to be in gd's life as well. I have to accept that DD has to create the reality of her life. Oh so hard.

My gut says she will choose to leave our house rather than go into any kind of treatment. I can only pray that I will be surprised.

I will keep posting as this process unfolds. Hope she accepts help before she damages her brain beyond repair or commits a crime of unreversible magnitude in a rage. Have to accept my powerlessness over all except taking care of myself, gd and with dh.

qcr cry cry
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« Reply #11 on: February 19, 2012, 02:23:21 PM »

qcaroir
Yes, there were needs I had that I expected my two sons to fulfill.  Well, they haven't and they didn't and that is a good thing all around.  Thank you for that question in your post, because it reminded me of my own narcissism, maybe from broken dreams will come the phoenix.
Hoping your daughter decides well for herself.  I find with my BPDs23 that it seems that he will not cave to the good side and sometimes if I just keep still and let him rant, sometimes he will slowly and in a backwards fashion, full of reluctance, attitude and blackness, turn ever so slightly towards the light.  He meanders his way to what needs to be done, after he has regulated his emotions, which takes ages.  And by the way, the difficulty I have being still is beyond words.  So usually I am not too good at this.
I am hoping your daughter knows how wonderful and unique she is.  I will hold her in my heart.
Reality
Does your dd knit, crotchet or sew?  She likes clothing and material, maybe she could start making her own designs? 
 
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« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2012, 05:40:37 PM »

q,

Your daughter needs your LOVE and your BOUNDARIES. If she can be convinced to give a program a try maybe something will click.

My SD has found a strong connection with her much older female sponsor than we could ever have imagined. She checks in with her sponsor every day and the sponsor is very no nonsense with her. (Her sponsor even tells her to SHUT-UP!)

SD and her father were very enmeshed. There is now enough distance that he can manage to not enable her (this comes from his seeing that she is doing better without him making it so!)  and she is finally learning how to go forth in her life. "Learning" ...I put quotes because she's not really there yet but someone else is taking care of the nagging and she simply has to take care of her own business which really was minimized when she was under our roof.

I assume that part of your anxiety and concern about your daughter is her being out there without some sort of support and structure. I'm aware of your story and how your DDs brushes with the law have hindered her getting much needed assistance, BUT really, if she is an addict, and it certainly seems she has issues with some substance...she is then afforded some really beneficial resources.

And AA is free!

Saying a prayer for your daughter to let her resistance down a tiny little bit.

Thursday
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« Reply #13 on: February 19, 2012, 07:50:47 PM »


Does your dd knit, crotchet or sew?  She likes clothing and material, maybe she could start making her own designs?  
 


Reality - thanks for the idea. Not sure it would work for DD.

She has significant fine motor issues and processing issues from non-verbal learning disability. Doing things with her hands is very frustrating. As is expressing her thoughts sometimes in ways others can understand. I really think the clothing thing is not about the clothes per se, more about finding good 'stuff' and sharing it with others that might need it. She does have lots of compassion unless you cross her, limit her, or for herself. Can be very confusing. And it seems a bit compulsive the volume of 'stuff' she moves through our washer and dryer. A lot of it she then returns to the free clothes center in much better shape than when she got it. Also part of her obsession with things being clean - no bugs. She uses lot of clorox too. And this gives her something to do all night when she can't sleep. She has always been 'good' at laundry. I expected her to help wash her bedding everyday when she had bed-wetting issues - age 10 on. Discoverd due to lithium's effects on her kidneys after we finally got her off that med.


Your daughter needs your LOVE and your BOUNDARIES. If she can be convinced to give a program a try maybe something will click.

I have had my love in a box lately. I am letting it out a little more, with caution, as DD is trying very hard to be part of our dinner time with gd. That is about all we see of her. She mostly sleeps during the day, then back to her room after dinner. Her friend G is here too, though he is very quiet lately. They are up usually when I get home for gd by 2pm.

We have boundaries - house rules. They are being respected right now.

Quote
I assume that part of your anxiety and concern about your daughter is her being out there without some sort of support and structure. I'm aware of your story and how your DDs brushes with the law have hindered her getting much needed assistance, BUT really, if she is an addict, and it certainly seems she has issues with some substance...she is then afforded some really beneficial resources.

And AA is free!


She has been offered lots of beneficial resources and chose to live in the city park - did not want to have to 'check in by 5 everyday' or other rules to follow. There are many resources there for her now - she says they would not be good for her, only cause her pain

She claims not to believe in GOD -- think AA would not fit with her at first anyway.

qcr
« Last Edit: February 19, 2012, 08:03:49 PM by qcarolr » Logged

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« Reply #14 on: February 19, 2012, 10:17:41 PM »

I'm so glad to hear you  are finding your way back to your Alanon group!  I know they can and will help to give you rthe support you need.  And I hear that you are struggling with the first step, which is admitting you are powerless over DD's addiction.  The point is not that you admit it to me or anyone else, but that you admit it to yourself fully.  The first is the hardest.  Everything after that is wayyyy easier.  Admitting you are powerless is not at all the same thing as giving up.  It's just the point at which you admit to yourself that there is a problem, and you are not capable of fixing it.  I hear that each minute of each day, you are hoping and wishing that DD will give up some sign that this disease isn't real, that she has somehow overcome it, that it won't reach out and smack your whole family around yet again.  There IS spontaneous remission in other types of disease, after all.  Right?   RIGHT?   

But no, not this one.  As much as we might wish there was, that does not make it hopeless.  I have had the great privilege of metting many who have recovered from addiction - even the toughest of the tough.  For an Alanon member, reaching a bottom isn't necessary. After all, you aren't the addict, and you don't have to recover frm that disease.  For the addict, it's a very different story.  There is a bottom, and they have to get there for the tide to turn for them.  And because of that, trying to delay that point isn't really the help we wish it was.  Rehab is most often necessary, but it's no guarantee.  OTOH, I have one family member who was sent to rehab 14 times before he finally made it to recovery.  Even with a 90% recidivism rate, that means his chances would always be just as good, providing he lived long enough to try recovering again.  And, he did.   Fourteen times is at the extremes, and still the highest number of treatment and relapse round I've ever heard of.  But even that didn't fail him.  When he was finally, finally ready and had hit his personal bottom, he not only recovered but became a professional drug and alcohol counselor.   No one who is still alive is past hope.  And no one who is not ready can be saved from the disease by someone else's desire for it.  (Years ago, they used to say that nobody who still owned so muc as a wristwatch was ready.  Times have changed.  Some people's bottom is much higher. As in, they don't have a car and a free home any more.  They do still say that it takes whatever it takes.)

So, the answer here is that prolonging DD's avoidance of recovery is not something you can really do for her with any confidence, and doing what points her toward her own recovery is not something you are doing TO her (though you are guaranteed to hear otherwise from her!).  I know it's scary.  I know what the risks are and why you try so very, very hard and drive yourself crazy at times trying to figure out the next move.  Don't get too hung up about how many days rehab lasts, or whatever.  Many have extended resources in the form of sober living houses and such.  She can cross that bridge whenever she comes to it.  The rehab will show her the tools, so that whenever the next phase comes, she will actually be able to be a part of the solution.   You don't even have to worry about the God stuff.  They won't push her to do anything more than recognize a power greater than herself - could be her group, her sponsor, or a doornob.  (Oh yes!  I know someone who chose a doornob.  Because even that doornob was more capable of doing what it was supposed to do than the addict.)  If she thinks otherwise, it's only because she hasn't had the courage to find out different...yet.   

But I also know you're lining up to move on to the next stage of life and whatever it brings.  I'm so happy to hear you are ready to put your own effort toward her potential recovery instead of her disease!  It would be wonderful if you can come up with some options as to rehabs, so they will be there at hand when it comes down to it.  It would also be good if you and DH can get very clear on what your boundaries are now, and give them to DD.  You don't have to be mean, or nice, or any given way about it. All you have to do is give them to her as the new reality in your home.  It's only fair to let her know the rules.  I think you're probably right that the next check she receives will tell the tale and that will be the point where having those rehabs available will be useful, but one of the reeasons she keeps you on edge all the time is because there isn't 100% predictability as to her behavior.  She may not be capable of being that consistent.  But you are, I don't care what DD says!  Have you not loved her consistently every single moment of her life?   Then I rest my case.    You are as consistent as anyone could ever hope to be.  You may want to alter what you choose to do outwardly with that love, but it hasn't gone anywhere and it never will.  Heh - as many questions as you ask? You never ask that one.  And I know why.

And you don't have to do any of it alone.  You have us here, you have your Alanon people, you have DH and those helpful neighbors.  In fact, if you ask, you can also get guidance from recovered addicts themselves.   You have your own higher power. You are about to add the staff at the rehab)s. With all of that, you can't be outnumbered or outpowered.  And by 'you', I mean that literally.  You'll get everything you need, do what you need to do, and be ok.  All you have to do is set your boundaries, lay your plans, and stay on track.  You are coming from the strongest position that exists in the world - that same love that you have always had for her. And alll of your reources will now be directed at giving your DD the best shot at improving her life she has ever had. 

You're doing ok.  Right where you're supposed to be.  Just hang in there.           
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Thursday
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« Reply #15 on: February 20, 2012, 07:57:23 AM »

qcarolr,

My SD is an atheist. I haven't asked her questions about the "higher power" aspect of her recovery and she's never explained.

thursday
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qcarolr
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« Reply #16 on: February 20, 2012, 09:00:47 AM »

It sure does feel better to be searching proactively for rehab solutions to offer DD. Thanks so much for all the support kidnapped and thursday.

qcr cool
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I must have the courage to live with the paradox, and the strength to hold the tension of not knowing the answers, and the willingness to listen to my inner wisdom.
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« Reply #17 on: February 20, 2012, 10:42:46 AM »

Your plan of action sounds solid.

 
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« Reply #18 on: February 20, 2012, 08:44:07 PM »

dear qcr,

I am so sorry about recent events.  I don't have any new suggestions but I did want you to know I'm thinking of you.   

I still feel that our two kids are so similar in so many ways.  My S had big drug problems and resisted treatment until we made it a condition of his continuing to live with us.  He didn't like the prospect of living the streets so he complied half heartedly.  It took several attempts at being clean before he made it.  What really made the difference for him though was not a program or support in detox etc. but the fact that he started to have bad trips that scared the  living bejeepers out of him.  If I only knew what caused that to happen I would bottle it and send it your way   grin.  Like your D, he doesn't like to be told ANYTHING but also hates to be wrong and he hates to be late for anything.  He was having major issues with alcohol until recently when he decided that he was drinking too much of his money.  He wants a new computer and I ran some numbers to show him how he'd be able to get one if he cut out drinking.  I guess he really wanted that computer, because he is now only drinking about 6 beer a week when he had been drinking so much you'd think it was going out of style.

What it really boils down to for him is finding something that will motivate him to change and then what I call my planting a seed so that he can come up with the idea to make the change on his own.  He may still need my help to see what needs changing and often I am involved in coming up with a way to see him meet his goal, but that's within my personal boundaries .

I know when you put your mind to a problem with your D you can move mountains!

Take good care,

pennifree
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« Reply #19 on: February 20, 2012, 09:35:03 PM »

So glad to hear you're feeling more surefooted, Carol!  I still go a little bonkers with BPDD doing her BPD thing every now and again.  You make me remember what it was like to deal with that AND the drinking and using.  But DD's living clean and sober now, and even chose it herself, when she was finally ready.  But I was sure sweating bullets over it for a long time there. 

It's do-able, BPD or not.  Just try not to tear your hair out on the way there so you'll be lookin' good when you get to the goal, eh?   

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