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Think About It.... It is very important to talk to children about anger, about what they see in the world, and to evaluate the effects of the behavior they observe. Otherwise, their observations become the lesson itself.~ Jane Middelton-Moz, Ph.D., LCSW, Ultimate Guide to Transforming Anger
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Author Topic: Accepting reality of our willingness to put D25 out on the street  (Read 1074 times)
qcarolr
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« Reply #10 on: February 19, 2012, 01:42:22 PM »

The biggest block in this process is DD herself and her oh so powerful resistance to even getting an evaluation. She did get an addiction initial eval back when gd was a tiny babe but bailed out after the first session. Later when in the system with her son in foster care she was court ordered for monitoring and evaluation - she bailed on that as well. I was so in denial about the drug use all along - and always did the 'poor dd with her cognitive impairment and mental illness issues'. I am slowly realizing how undermining this denial has been for me to be in her life. Yet, maybe neither of us was ready to face down this monster. I am still resistant.

I always have held DD to a different standard than her friends - actually giving more support and compassion to encourage recovery to her various friends and bf's over the years. Was this because there were needs I had that I unconciously expected DD to fufill?  So many questions.

I have called a few places today looking for inpatient adult treatment with payment assitance. I have to wait until tomorrow to contact the state agency to see if there is any funding availble there. Guess my plan is to find the resources, the find a positive way to offer these to DD. All this before she gets her money in March. If she loses it - violent raging - in March she has to leave. I need to find the courage to say this to her before then, and be able to follow through. I need to do this as a team with Dh. Oh so hard. Then have to limit her  contact with gd based on drug testing results - even if we have to pay for these tests. She may refuse to be in gd's life as well. I have to accept that DD has to create the reality of her life. Oh so hard.

My gut says she will choose to leave our house rather than go into any kind of treatment. I can only pray that I will be surprised.

I will keep posting as this process unfolds. Hope she accepts help before she damages her brain beyond repair or commits a crime of unreversible magnitude in a rage. Have to accept my powerlessness over all except taking care of myself, gd and with dh.

qcr cry cry
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« Reply #11 on: February 19, 2012, 02:23:21 PM »

qcaroir
Yes, there were needs I had that I expected my two sons to fulfill.  Well, they haven't and they didn't and that is a good thing all around.  Thank you for that question in your post, because it reminded me of my own narcissism, maybe from broken dreams will come the phoenix.
Hoping your daughter decides well for herself.  I find with my BPDs23 that it seems that he will not cave to the good side and sometimes if I just keep still and let him rant, sometimes he will slowly and in a backwards fashion, full of reluctance, attitude and blackness, turn ever so slightly towards the light.  He meanders his way to what needs to be done, after he has regulated his emotions, which takes ages.  And by the way, the difficulty I have being still is beyond words.  So usually I am not too good at this.
I am hoping your daughter knows how wonderful and unique she is.  I will hold her in my heart.
Reality
Does your dd knit, crotchet or sew?  She likes clothing and material, maybe she could start making her own designs? 
 
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Thursday
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« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2012, 05:40:37 PM »

q,

Your daughter needs your LOVE and your BOUNDARIES. If she can be convinced to give a program a try maybe something will click.

My SD has found a strong connection with her much older female sponsor than we could ever have imagined. She checks in with her sponsor every day and the sponsor is very no nonsense with her. (Her sponsor even tells her to SHUT-UP!)

SD and her father were very enmeshed. There is now enough distance that he can manage to not enable her (this comes from his seeing that she is doing better without him making it so!)  and she is finally learning how to go forth in her life. "Learning" ...I put quotes because she's not really there yet but someone else is taking care of the nagging and she simply has to take care of her own business which really was minimized when she was under our roof.

I assume that part of your anxiety and concern about your daughter is her being out there without some sort of support and structure. I'm aware of your story and how your DDs brushes with the law have hindered her getting much needed assistance, BUT really, if she is an addict, and it certainly seems she has issues with some substance...she is then afforded some really beneficial resources.

And AA is free!

Saying a prayer for your daughter to let her resistance down a tiny little bit.

Thursday
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qcarolr
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« Reply #13 on: February 19, 2012, 07:50:47 PM »


Does your dd knit, crotchet or sew?  She likes clothing and material, maybe she could start making her own designs?  
 


Reality - thanks for the idea. Not sure it would work for DD.

She has significant fine motor issues and processing issues from non-verbal learning disability. Doing things with her hands is very frustrating. As is expressing her thoughts sometimes in ways others can understand. I really think the clothing thing is not about the clothes per se, more about finding good 'stuff' and sharing it with others that might need it. She does have lots of compassion unless you cross her, limit her, or for herself. Can be very confusing. And it seems a bit compulsive the volume of 'stuff' she moves through our washer and dryer. A lot of it she then returns to the free clothes center in much better shape than when she got it. Also part of her obsession with things being clean - no bugs. She uses lot of clorox too. And this gives her something to do all night when she can't sleep. She has always been 'good' at laundry. I expected her to help wash her bedding everyday when she had bed-wetting issues - age 10 on. Discoverd due to lithium's effects on her kidneys after we finally got her off that med.


Your daughter needs your LOVE and your BOUNDARIES. If she can be convinced to give a program a try maybe something will click.

I have had my love in a box lately. I am letting it out a little more, with caution, as DD is trying very hard to be part of our dinner time with gd. That is about all we see of her. She mostly sleeps during the day, then back to her room after dinner. Her friend G is here too, though he is very quiet lately. They are up usually when I get home for gd by 2pm.

We have boundaries - house rules. They are being respected right now.

Quote
I assume that part of your anxiety and concern about your daughter is her being out there without some sort of support and structure. I'm aware of your story and how your DDs brushes with the law have hindered her getting much needed assistance, BUT really, if she is an addict, and it certainly seems she has issues with some substance...she is then afforded some really beneficial resources.

And AA is free!


She has been offered lots of beneficial resources and chose to live in the city park - did not want to have to 'check in by 5 everyday' or other rules to follow. There are many resources there for her now - she says they would not be good for her, only cause her pain

She claims not to believe in GOD -- think AA would not fit with her at first anyway.

qcr
« Last Edit: February 19, 2012, 08:03:49 PM by qcarolr » Logged

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« Reply #14 on: February 19, 2012, 10:17:41 PM »

I'm so glad to hear you  are finding your way back to your Alanon group!  I know they can and will help to give you rthe support you need.  And I hear that you are struggling with the first step, which is admitting you are powerless over DD's addiction.  The point is not that you admit it to me or anyone else, but that you admit it to yourself fully.  The first is the hardest.  Everything after that is wayyyy easier.  Admitting you are powerless is not at all the same thing as giving up.  It's just the point at which you admit to yourself that there is a problem, and you are not capable of fixing it.  I hear that each minute of each day, you are hoping and wishing that DD will give up some sign that this disease isn't real, that she has somehow overcome it, that it won't reach out and smack your whole family around yet again.  There IS spontaneous remission in other types of disease, after all.  Right?   RIGHT?   

But no, not this one.  As much as we might wish there was, that does not make it hopeless.  I have had the great privilege of metting many who have recovered from addiction - even the toughest of the tough.  For an Alanon member, reaching a bottom isn't necessary. After all, you aren't the addict, and you don't have to recover frm that disease.  For the addict, it's a very different story.  There is a bottom, and they have to get there for the tide to turn for them.  And because of that, trying to delay that point isn't really the help we wish it was.  Rehab is most often necessary, but it's no guarantee.  OTOH, I have one family member who was sent to rehab 14 times before he finally made it to recovery.  Even with a 90% recidivism rate, that means his chances would always be just as good, providing he lived long enough to try recovering again.  And, he did.   Fourteen times is at the extremes, and still the highest number of treatment and relapse round I've ever heard of.  But even that didn't fail him.  When he was finally, finally ready and had hit his personal bottom, he not only recovered but became a professional drug and alcohol counselor.   No one who is still alive is past hope.  And no one who is not ready can be saved from the disease by someone else's desire for it.  (Years ago, they used to say that nobody who still owned so muc as a wristwatch was ready.  Times have changed.  Some people's bottom is much higher. As in, they don't have a car and a free home any more.  They do still say that it takes whatever it takes.)

So, the answer here is that prolonging DD's avoidance of recovery is not something you can really do for her with any confidence, and doing what points her toward her own recovery is not something you are doing TO her (though you are guaranteed to hear otherwise from her!).  I know it's scary.  I know what the risks are and why you try so very, very hard and drive yourself crazy at times trying to figure out the next move.  Don't get too hung up about how many days rehab lasts, or whatever.  Many have extended resources in the form of sober living houses and such.  She can cross that bridge whenever she comes to it.  The rehab will show her the tools, so that whenever the next phase comes, she will actually be able to be a part of the solution.   You don't even have to worry about the God stuff.  They won't push her to do anything more than recognize a power greater than herself - could be her group, her sponsor, or a doornob.  (Oh yes!  I know someone who chose a doornob.  Because even that doornob was more capable of doing what it was supposed to do than the addict.)  If she thinks otherwise, it's only because she hasn't had the courage to find out different...yet.   

But I also know you're lining up to move on to the next stage of life and whatever it brings.  I'm so happy to hear you are ready to put your own effort toward her potential recovery instead of her disease!  It would be wonderful if you can come up with some options as to rehabs, so they will be there at hand when it comes down to it.  It would also be good if you and DH can get very clear on what your boundaries are now, and give them to DD.  You don't have to be mean, or nice, or any given way about it. All you have to do is give them to her as the new reality in your home.  It's only fair to let her know the rules.  I think you're probably right that the next check she receives will tell the tale and that will be the point where having those rehabs available will be useful, but one of the reeasons she keeps you on edge all the time is because there isn't 100% predictability as to her behavior.  She may not be capable of being that consistent.  But you are, I don't care what DD says!  Have you not loved her consistently every single moment of her life?   Then I rest my case.    You are as consistent as anyone could ever hope to be.  You may want to alter what you choose to do outwardly with that love, but it hasn't gone anywhere and it never will.  Heh - as many questions as you ask? You never ask that one.  And I know why.

And you don't have to do any of it alone.  You have us here, you have your Alanon people, you have DH and those helpful neighbors.  In fact, if you ask, you can also get guidance from recovered addicts themselves.   You have your own higher power. You are about to add the staff at the rehab)s. With all of that, you can't be outnumbered or outpowered.  And by 'you', I mean that literally.  You'll get everything you need, do what you need to do, and be ok.  All you have to do is set your boundaries, lay your plans, and stay on track.  You are coming from the strongest position that exists in the world - that same love that you have always had for her. And alll of your reources will now be directed at giving your DD the best shot at improving her life she has ever had. 

You're doing ok.  Right where you're supposed to be.  Just hang in there.           
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« Reply #15 on: February 20, 2012, 07:57:23 AM »

qcarolr,

My SD is an atheist. I haven't asked her questions about the "higher power" aspect of her recovery and she's never explained.

thursday
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« Reply #16 on: February 20, 2012, 09:00:47 AM »

It sure does feel better to be searching proactively for rehab solutions to offer DD. Thanks so much for all the support kidnapped and thursday.

qcr cool
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« Reply #17 on: February 20, 2012, 10:42:46 AM »

Your plan of action sounds solid.

 
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« Reply #18 on: February 20, 2012, 08:44:07 PM »

dear qcr,

I am so sorry about recent events.  I don't have any new suggestions but I did want you to know I'm thinking of you.   

I still feel that our two kids are so similar in so many ways.  My S had big drug problems and resisted treatment until we made it a condition of his continuing to live with us.  He didn't like the prospect of living the streets so he complied half heartedly.  It took several attempts at being clean before he made it.  What really made the difference for him though was not a program or support in detox etc. but the fact that he started to have bad trips that scared the  living bejeepers out of him.  If I only knew what caused that to happen I would bottle it and send it your way   grin.  Like your D, he doesn't like to be told ANYTHING but also hates to be wrong and he hates to be late for anything.  He was having major issues with alcohol until recently when he decided that he was drinking too much of his money.  He wants a new computer and I ran some numbers to show him how he'd be able to get one if he cut out drinking.  I guess he really wanted that computer, because he is now only drinking about 6 beer a week when he had been drinking so much you'd think it was going out of style.

What it really boils down to for him is finding something that will motivate him to change and then what I call my planting a seed so that he can come up with the idea to make the change on his own.  He may still need my help to see what needs changing and often I am involved in coming up with a way to see him meet his goal, but that's within my personal boundaries .

I know when you put your mind to a problem with your D you can move mountains!

Take good care,

pennifree
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« Reply #19 on: February 20, 2012, 09:35:03 PM »

So glad to hear you're feeling more surefooted, Carol!  I still go a little bonkers with BPDD doing her BPD thing every now and again.  You make me remember what it was like to deal with that AND the drinking and using.  But DD's living clean and sober now, and even chose it herself, when she was finally ready.  But I was sure sweating bullets over it for a long time there. 

It's do-able, BPD or not.  Just try not to tear your hair out on the way there so you'll be lookin' good when you get to the goal, eh?   

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