final death ceritificate

[Think About It...]

When you read that the toxology report takes time, it is true.  Today the funeral home received Evs's death certificate with COD, tramadol overdose.

Althought we knew this, it is still so raw to hear it and read it.  The director called us, as they are friends, and let us know.

Add to this I have been feeling guilty for relaxing, letting down some tension, for the first time in probably five years.  I realized that I am leaving my pocketbook around, leaving doors open, letting my son stay home alone for more time( he is 14), making plans to go places with friends.  Normal everyday things I have not done in years, literally. Saturday my husband and I went out with Eva's godfather and his wife.  Dinner first, and then went to a jazz concert. We had such a terrific time, John was staying the night with friends, we had no concerns.  I felt so strangely free, and later so guilty.

Eva's death is the worst thing that has ever happened to me or our family, and yet I am enjoying my life again.  How I hate this disease, it stole my daughter before her death, caused her death and now is creating such conflict in mourning her death.  Bpd never lets go...

[seekinglight]

When you read that the toxology report takes time, it is true.  Today the funeral home received Evs's death certificate with COD, tramadol overdose.

Althought we knew this, it is still so raw to hear it and read it.  The director called us, as they are friends, and let us know.

Add to this I have been feeling guilty for relaxing, letting down some tension, for the first time in probably five years.  I realized that I am leaving my pocketbook around, leaving doors open, letting my son stay home alone for more time( he is 14), making plans to go places with friends.  Normal everyday things I have not done in years, literally. Saturday my husband and I went out with Eva's godfather and his wife.  Dinner first, and then went to a jazz concert. We had such a terrific time, John was staying the night with friends, we had no concerns.  I felt so strangely free, and later so guilty.

Eva's death is the worst thing that has ever happened to me or our family, and yet I am enjoying my life again.  How I hate this disease, it stole my daughter before her death, caused her death and now is creating such conflict in mourning her death.  Bpd never lets go...

[qcarolr]

seekinglight - seems you have been grieving the loss of Eva for so long. I hope the acceptance part can come for you to allow release of the guilt.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr

[tiredmommy2]

Seekinglight, I am so sorry for your pain, and for your feelings of guilt. 

Add to this I have been feeling guilty for relaxing, letting down some tension, for the first time in probably five years.  I realized that I am leaving my pocketbook around, leaving doors open, letting my son stay home alone for more time( he is 14), making plans to go places with friends.  Normal everyday things I have not done in years, literally. Saturday my husband and I went out with Eva's godfather and his wife.  Dinner first, and then went to a jazz concert. We had such a terrific time, John was staying the night with friends, we had no concerns.  I felt so strangely free, and later so guilty.

While I can't even imagine what you're going through, or what it feels like, in a small way I can understand this. After my BPDd was placed in a residential facility, and I had time to regroup, I also started relaxing.  I started leaving my purse lay around, and leaving doors unlocked.  If my younger d was upstairs playing, I was fine with that because I didn't have to worry about BPDd going into her room and doing something mean to upset her.  I even managed to take a small vacation, and really enjoyed myself, which is something that I haven't done in years...Then came the guilt.  I felt awful for being happy and relieved that BPDd wasn't a part of our everyday lives.  I felt so guilty for having more fun on that vacation then I ever had when she was with us (she has a way of ruining these types of things). Guilt is something that I'm working on, but continue to struggle with unfortunately.

FWIW, I think that what you're going through is perfectly normal, and to be expected. As Qcarolr said, you have been grieving the loss of Eva for so long now - long before her physical death. She's at peace now, and I truly hope that you find a way to enjoy your life free of the guilt that's holding you back. 

[almostvegan]

Seekinglight: I am truly so so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine the pain you and your family feel from this. You have my sympathies and hopes for healing.
You should not feel guilty that you are moving on. Rejoice in the fact that you and your loved ones can now heal. And unlike in the past, now youre truly free to relax and let go of the pain. You can remember the good about eva and forget the pain her illness caused.
When my dad died I felt such guilt that I was having a life again. ( I was his caregiver after my mom died shortly before him). But he made life so miserable for my family I was really happy that he'd passed. He had brain cancer which changed his personality and made him so terrible to live with. It's been a few years since he's gone and I'm able to remember the good times I had with him and have been able to let go of the pain. I hope you and  family find this peace as well.

[seekinglight]

I guess depending on which child I am mourning it has either been two months or five years, I feel that in so many ways I already lost my daughter before I did in fact lose her.

I read that it takes about two years for parents who have lost children to regain normalcy.  In these circumstances I have no idea.

It is chilling to read some post and understand exactly what the parents are feeling and going though.  Some of the details are different, but the family problems caused by BPD are so alike.

I wish all a peaceful night tonight.

[cbcrna1]

I have to believe that in eternity we will all exist without BPD.  You did all you could here, I believe your daughter is in a better place, and is now able to look down and send you love.  Tears as I write this, love to you, you are still doing the best you can and that is all we all can do.  Blessings.

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[Thursday]

seekinglight,

Thank you for checking in. I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope pleasure without so much guilt and pain will someday find you.

Be careful of books that say

it takes about two years for parents who have lost children to regain normalcy.

Do we really have to give grief a time limit?  What if you just need a little more time?

Such very difficult circumstances can complicate the journey.

I know two years or more sounds interminable...especially on the front end. Let yourself feel your feelings. Find something that makes you laugh.

Thursday

[swampped]

Just to add my thoughts, Seeking Light---for sure, grief has no timetable.  It takes however long it takes, and with such a painful loss as a child, it may never totally resolve.  But the waves of grief that knock you over with such suddenness and frequency gradually come less frequently and less intensely.  A year, two, three---but I am not sure they ever stop altogether.  There is after all an empty place in your heart that will never be filled in the same way.   As for feeling guilty about not thinking of your dear Eva every waking minute, I think that is part of the healing as it takes its slow course.   Reading the death certificate is always difficult with a loved one---there is a finality in that official paper with its technical terms and dates of birth and death---as if Eva were something with a beginning and an end.  IMHO your progression to occasionally thinking about something else and even laughing after just two months suggests a very healthy progression of your grief.  NOt that anyone wants to have such a thing characterized by stages and accomplishments.  Please know that you remain in my thoughts and prayers, as you deal with this terrible loss.  You and your family are an inspiration to so many of us---and your dear Eva, finally at peace, has helped us all immeasurably to understand this terrible BPD.  May God bless you and grant you peace.   Swampped   

[cbcrna1]

I dont think we get over grief, I think we learn a way of living with it. 

[bpdmomma]

Dear Seeking Light,

My continued thoughts are with you as you travel through your grief.  Once someone shared this analogy with me.  It has helped me understand the process, maybe it can help you.

Grief is kind of like a full backpack you carry on a hike (filled with all of the memories of your Eva). At first you feel the full weight of it.  As you continue on the weight is easier to bear, though the backpack still carries the same load.  There are times, at the end of a long day, when treading uphill, etc. that you begin to feel the load of the backpack again.  But the longer you carry it the lighter it gets. 

I know this doesn't change anything, but I hope it can help you chart this difficult road ahead.

BPDmomma 

[Kidnapped]

I'm so sorry to hear you had to face another round of the greiving process.  I guess this is why we tend to ritualize our ways of memorializing those who have passed.  We make a place for it and a space for it - not forgetting them at all, but so that we can also make the places and spaces for life to go on as well.  If we didn't, then we might never be able to get on at all.  And what good would that be?  I remember feeling very wildly energized after losing my mother unexpectedly when she was very young.  Maybe even savagely, as you put it so well.  I think now, it was mainly the clearest of all reminders that life is just plain shorter than we wish.  We do have to dig in and live it to our fullest ability, or whatever there is to be of it will get away from us.  I wasn't forgetting her. I was just asserting that I was, in fact, still here myself.   I wasn't celebrating her death. I was celebrating my own aliveness.  No regrets there.   

I hope that you will see your way clear to rejoin your life without guilt and to take joy wherever you may without fear.  I can't remotely imagine that the well version of your child would wish anything less for you, or that the child who is still here deserves anything less than the happiest and healthiest mother you can be.  And you deserve it for yourself.