here we go again

[Think About It...]

I am tired and angry.  After what I thought was a pretty good weekend, I get blindsided with attacks over old arguments. The revisionist nature of her recounting the "facts" is madding.  Last night she tells me she wants a separation, in 2 or 3 months, to sort out how she feels.  The 2 or 3 month delay is so she can be with me and be supportive while my mother dies.  Oh yes, I am having a hard time not remembering her statement "I hope you are alone when your mother dies."  I mean, it has been a few years since she said that.  Right now, being alone sounds preferable to having her form of support these days.  I would much rather go in alone and deal alone than to go in thinking I have a partner only to have the rug pulled out from underneath and end up surprised, confused, abandoned, and alone.

I don't have what it takes right now to deal with her crap.  It is depressing to think how screwed up I am to have hooked up and stayed hooked up with her.

[Bair]

I am tired and angry.  After what I thought was a pretty good weekend, I get blindsided with attacks over old arguments. The revisionist nature of her recounting the "facts" is madding.  Last night she tells me she wants a separation, in 2 or 3 months, to sort out how she feels.  The 2 or 3 month delay is so she can be with me and be supportive while my mother dies.  Oh yes, I am having a hard time not remembering her statement "I hope you are alone when your mother dies."  I mean, it has been a few years since she said that.  Right now, being alone sounds preferable to having her form of support these days.  I would much rather go in alone and deal alone than to go in thinking I have a partner only to have the rug pulled out from underneath and end up surprised, confused, abandoned, and alone.

I don't have what it takes right now to deal with her crap.  It is depressing to think how screwed up I am to have hooked up and stayed hooked up with her.

[BelievenHope]

Bair, I can not begin to imagine how you feel. This time must be so hard for you. From what I know about BPD, the impending death of your mom could be triggering her abandonment fears and she is acting out partially because of that? Not sure...what I am sure of is that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. When you said it was depressing to think how screwed up you are for hooking up and staying with her. We all know that they can be amazing and make us feel incredible about ourselves when we are being painted white. I am sure there was a period of time in the beginning (when you developed your feelings for her) that she was being caring and wonderful. It's hard to be treated like that and then get blindsided by the ugliness of this disorder. My thoughts are with you over your mom and how you feel about the obnoxious behaviour of your SO. The disorder is obnoxious and that has no bearing on you and who you are 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[martillo]

Bair:  I agree w BelievenHope.

I don't know you or your mom's specific situation, but is Hospice involved at this point?  If not, it is definitely something to look into. 

Hospice can provide physical, emotional and spiritual support to you and other family members through a variety of resources.  They are also accustomed to dealing with all sorts of behavior triggered by end of life stresses and should be able to provide some guidance in those areas.

Take care of yourself and your mom first - then worry about your SO...

[GreenMango]

"I hope you are alone when your mother dies."  I mean, it has been a few years since she said that.  Right now, being alone sounds preferable to having her form of support these days.  I would much rather go in alone and deal alone than to go in thinking I have a partner only to have the rug pulled out from underneath and end up surprised, confused, abandoned, and alone.

She is brutal.  I don't care if she has abandonment issues no semi decent person would say sh!t like this...this crosses the line. I would feel the exact same way you do. I'm so sorry.

[jeffrey12]

thats brutal and however much it's stated in most BPD guides not to take their actions or words personal this would be an instance where it would be near impossible not to..

my ex one argued with me when i was going to one of my best friends funeral. why? because in her mind their was going to be women there which meant that there was a possibility of me cheating on her.. how in her mind she perceived a funeral as being a pick up joint is something that i and no one will be able to comprehend.

[Bair]

It has only been a day but it has felt good to be away from my SO.  I appreciate the kind words.  I have to say, I don't think I am being too hard on my self.  Somewhere on these forums I saw a quote about connecting with someone of the same emotional maturity.  Of course, if we go our separate ways, perhaps it means I have matured past my SO.  

It also seems to me, the closer I am to her--the more it sucks.  So I can only imagine how much it sucks to be her.  

As far as not taking it personally, yes it is hard.  With some distance & time I can look at things differently.  But if I am caught off guard, already highly stressed emotionally it can hurt like hell.  All in all, it wasn't as bad as the time she said more or less "F you bair" and downed a bottle of Xanax in front of me.  Looking back on those days, it was such a hell.  Think about it a person with BPD with social inhibitions medicated away...

Changing subjects to my Mom: I don't think it is time for Hospice.  I am thinking more in terms of pain (physical) vs emotional.  Today was a good day for her.  It all can change fast, but to day was a good day.  

[GreenMango]

Bair
I guess I'm wondering when you can lean on her? I've found there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.   And, what was sad for me was not being alone (with a partner) and being lonely at the same time.  It's a contradiction. 

My heart goes out to you having to go through both the loss of the relationship and the loss of a parent.  One at a time is hard, but at the same time can bring you to your knees.  I am so very sorry .

-GM