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Think About It... Defending our boundaries is more than a response in times of conflict - it's a lifestyle. Learn how to get in touch with your values, define and communicate boundaries of those values, and defend against boundary busters. ~ Skip
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Author Topic: She's having an emotional affair.  (Read 1753 times)
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Gender: Male
Posts: 2161

« Reply #30 on: February 16, 2012, 06:03:52 PM »

There is something I feel guilty about.
I am talking to a support group about all these feelings I'm having. All this pain and confusion-yet I haven't told her about it. I feel bad for not speaking up but talking about her behind her back. I don't like it at all.
    I believe this is a help group only for you, and she should not be told you are trying to get therapudic help from this website.  This is strictly for your own mental well being and healing and of no buisiness of anyone else in the world except your own self.  You post, and recieve corrispondence in a total anonymous process.  What is up with your total honesty of your own personal issues, when she won't be honest with you in the simplest of things.  You have lost a lot of trust with her, yet you want to open your heart so she can stab you right through that heart.  You should think about what you are doing, and stop being that guy whose GF brings her lover home for him to watch them.  You are that guy, I can see that.  WOW!



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Gender: Female
Posts: 28

« Reply #31 on: February 16, 2012, 06:05:25 PM »

Will you be happy spending the next few decades dealing with the ups and downs she will bring to you? The disrespect, doubt about your self worth that her crap puts on you? I am just learning all of this. Look in the mirror and know that you are better than this. I have it written on my mirror so I see it everyday. My uBPDh is trying, but I don't ride the roller coasters too much anymore because I know it is his illness that will finish our almost 30 year marriage.  Save yourself... have your say and get away!
GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

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Posts: 4

« Reply #32 on: February 16, 2012, 07:35:31 PM »

Hey man - I think everyone here is giving you good advice. She is mentally ill - but her crazymaking has you questioning yourself whether you are the one imagining things. This is how they work. They live in a parallel universe. You are dealing with a mental illness - she is not a bad person and can't help herself. Its funny how they all behave in the same way. And comforting in a way because when you see other people's examples of the same behaviour - you begin to understand that you were not imagining things. She has totally eroded your self confidence. Think about it - if you had a picture of another girl you were flirting with as the background image on your phone, if you were bragging to her about flirting with this girl, about spending the night at this girl's place - would she accept that? And more importantly, would you have a need to rub that sort of thing in her face to hurt her and get a reaction out of her. Of course not. No normal person would. That is the line between insanity and normality. You would especially not do that to a person you are in a relationship with - because in a normal relationship you care about the other person. But they are mentally ill - you are not. You may be codependent - but certainly not mentally ill. She is. And there is nothing you can do to fix it. You can put up with her behaviour and hope it will change but I wouldn't advise it. Don't hate her for who she is. Move away from the crazy-making, work on yourself, and you will be attracted to healthier people.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2012, 07:44:27 PM by zakdzeger » Logged

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Posts: 26

« Reply #33 on: February 22, 2012, 09:16:28 PM »

My recommendation is to leave. You will be hurting pretty bad for several months, but by staying your will be hurting much longer...over and over and over, by the way she seems.
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Gender: Male
Posts: 274

« Reply #34 on: February 22, 2012, 10:14:14 PM »

She would probably reply "I can talk to whoever I want, however I want. If I flirt, it's okay because that's just how I am."

I would probably say "Well, but you realize this is actually hurting me and I feel disrespected."

And she would say "It's not personal, it's not you."

Talking to this other person, and carrying on as she does has a price.[/b] The price is her SO (me) is hurt, feels disrespected, and uncomfortable.

Knowing the cost and continuing means that my hurt feelings matter less to her than this other person. Ergo, I am less valuable to her than he is.
Re-read your very own words a few times... again I've live this crap.  I've lived the I'm a flirt crap... no more, I'm done with it.  It is very personal to your SO if that is a boundary of theirs.   

I just wouldn't tuck tail and run, confront it and be prepared to walk.  If for nothing else, yourself.  You're probably not going to hear what you want to hear, but it's better to hear it as opposed to not IMO.  Is this the sort of person you want to have a relationship with long term?  Really?   
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