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Author Topic: She's having an emotional affair.  (Read 1314 times)
Vatz
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« Reply #20 on: February 16, 2012, 12:40:49 PM »

If she decides to actually be nice it will just be a lie?
Could someone really be that evil?

I mean, she gets me stuff every now and then, is supportive of the decisions I make regarding my studies and life...treats me fairly well...except THIS.

Art...
Could this really be how it is?
Are you trying to scare me straight? I mean...what you describe is just pure EVIL. The kind of evil that only an inhuman monster is capable of doing.
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Newton
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« Reply #21 on: February 16, 2012, 12:50:23 PM »

Vatz I am truly sorry you are going through this   Man hug ...if your partner is suffering from BPD then this is not really about good or evil...it is a severe mental illness with very warped thinking and behavior.

The way she is currently behaving is disrespectful to you and your relationship...it sounds like you know what her responses will probably be should you choose to confront her...

...so the question is, if she continues to behave in the same way, what boundaries (if any) are you willing to put in place to protect yourself and your emotional well being?  There is only one person you have control over in this situation...
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
Vatz
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« Reply #22 on: February 16, 2012, 12:54:21 PM »

Vatz I am truly sorry you are going through this   Man hug ...if your partner is suffering from BPD then this is not really about good or evil...it is a severe mental illness with very warped thinking and behavior.

The way she is currently behaving is disrespectful to you and your relationship...it sounds like you know what her responses will probably be should you choose to confront her...

...so the question is, if she continues to behave in the same way, what boundaries (if any) are you willing to put in place to protect yourself and your emotional well being?  There is only one person you have control over in this situation...
...me. If she continues disrespect and disregard for my feelings. Then a relationship such as this would not be in my best interests.
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artman.1
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« Reply #23 on: February 16, 2012, 01:01:14 PM »

If she decides to actually be nice it will just be a lie?
Could someone really be that evil?  I mean, she gets me stuff every now and then, is supportive of the decisions I make regarding my studies and life...treats me fairly well...except THIS.
Art...
Could this really be how it is?  Are you trying to scare me straight? I mean...what you describe is just pure EVIL. The kind of evil that only an inhuman monster is capable of doing.
    I amm trying to tell you how things are in reality.  She is MENTALLY ILL, INSANITY, NOT EVIL.  There is a difference, although it is hard to tell the difference from your viewpoint.  She is sick, mentally ill, and the illness makes her function like this.
     As Newton said, are you going to bend over and take this treatment, or are you going to stand up for yourself.  The sickness traits tell us that you are replaced.  Let her go, so you are protecting yourself.  Next move for you, is get into a Treatment program for codependents.  I am going to a therapist weekly, and am attending CODA meetings.  CODA = Codependents annonymous.  I am working on me, and trying to heal from my codependent behaviors, and start taking care of me.  I cannot do anything about my UBPDW of 43 years, but I can do something about reprogramming my own behaviors.

Art
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #24 on: February 16, 2012, 02:46:54 PM »

Vatz, Art makes some very good points. Read his posts, past and present. Learn from the people on this board. We care enough to hate to see somebody like you make a very terrible mistake.
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OnceConfused
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« Reply #25 on: February 16, 2012, 02:56:25 PM »

Vatz:

I think she will get defensive when you approach her about the texting with this guy. She will turn the whole thing around against you- that is your fault that she does this or that.

I can recall my xBPDgf letting me know about this or that guy, while she was with me. Looking back, that was how the xBPDgf  let me know sub-consciously that the r.s was dying (though we were having sex every other night) and she began her search for a new beau. I don't know your GF, but my guts feeling is that she is disengaging from you, and is using the other guy to fill the potential emotional void from dumping you.

You really don't have to approach her because the trust is gone. Once the trust is gone, I don't know whatelse she can say.
What do you expect her to say when you feel she is rude and disrespectful?

If I were you, I would begin the process of disengaging. HOW:

1. Still in contact with her, but just observe her texting and stuff so that you can slowly convince your heart and mind that she has no longer interested you. Write it down on a journal so that you can later come back to and be reminded.
2. Don't try to discuss future plan with her.
3. Slowly cut back on the contact.
4. Do a spot check on her
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Vatz
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« Reply #26 on: February 16, 2012, 04:40:25 PM »

So something interesting. I sorta recalled this odd detail while on my home from classes.

We were at a con together about three weeks ago.
We sat down and she walked off to go look at something at a booth (not far away, I was able to see her.) Some girl actually walked up to me and said "Hey, you're all by yourself-want a hug?" Which I just assumed she was just being nice (I had never been to one of these things before.) I sorta didn't know what to say so I stammered for a second and my GF came up.
My GF said, and I'll try to quote as best as I can "He doesn't have any condoms left." The rest was sort of a blur because I was taken aback by that.
Later I asked my GF "I don't have any condoms left? Was that really necessary" and my GF said
"A hug can turn into a lot more at one of these places."
So I wondered... it's okay for her to flirt with other guys-but the POSSIBILITY of me getting propositioned for sex makes her defensive?
It's like she doesn't like the thought of someone else trying to screw me, but her flirting with someone else is totally okay?

Anyway, it's sort of a funny story.

But I do have one question...
Is there even the SLIGHTEST possibility that maybe I can work this out with her and perhaps fix the relationship? We've only just started going to couples counseling.

Also should I tell her that I lost much of my trust in her?  On the one hand when looking at the red flags-I don't have reason to trust her. But on the other...I could just be oversensitive.
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LostinBPDland
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« Reply #27 on: February 16, 2012, 04:51:11 PM »

It's your choice to do what you want with the relationship.  What would you fix?  What can she fix?  More importantly, what will she be willing to fix?

My guess is you would be the one to do the changing and accepting while she did the same thing she has always done.  

She is in complete control of you.  That girl approaching her was out of her control so she had to shock the girl into backing away with crazy talk.  It also caught you off guard so 2 birds with one stone!  The condom comment was rude, crude and downright uncalled for.  

What do you see in your future if she was to "fix" things on her end?  How much are you willing to accept.

And my personal opinion, she has gone WAY past flirting man.  She is cheating on you if not physically, but emotionally.  They are both infidelity and it is happening right in front of your nose.  Saying it bothers you is a no-brainer.  It would bother anyone and saying doesn't change her perception.  I mean, hey, it doesn't hurt her so it must be fine.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation.  It sounds like she is done and she has already done so much damage to you that I just don't see it working out.  Just my opinion but everything just adds up to her playing on your low self esteem.

YOU ARE NOT BEING OVERSENSITIVE.  THAT IS YOUR LOW SELF CONFIDENCE SPEAKING.   

Just go NC on her.  You will be better off.  She is going to do what she wants either way.  You can't stop her when you are with her, what would make the difference other than you don't have to watch her do it. 

Oh, and stop having sex with her.  Do that for your own health.
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #28 on: February 16, 2012, 04:51:56 PM »

It sounds like you really want to make this work with her despite the posts that have discouraged you. I really cannot say anything negative about that because I stayed in the Undecided board for several years. You have to reach your own personal limit before you can pronounce it is finished.

Go to counseling and see what you can accomplish with her. I would not tell her you do not trust her outside of a counseling session though.

Good luck.
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Vatz
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« Reply #29 on: February 16, 2012, 05:31:26 PM »

It sounds like you really want to make this work with her despite the posts that have discouraged you. I really cannot say anything negative about that because I stayed in the Undecided board for several years. You have to reach your own personal limit before you can pronounce it is finished.

Go to counseling and see what you can accomplish with her. I would not tell her you do not trust her outside of a counseling session though.

Good luck.
I know I feel like I may just be delaying the inevitable, but if there's even a CHANCE that things could actually work-I guess I'm willing to gamble on it.
But yes, take her to counseling, tell her how I feel about all this.

There is something I feel guilty about.
I am talking to a support group about all these feelings I'm having. All this pain and confusion-yet I haven't told her about it. I feel bad for not speaking up but talking about her behind her back. I don't like it at all.
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artman.1
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« Reply #30 on: February 16, 2012, 06:03:52 PM »

There is something I feel guilty about.
I am talking to a support group about all these feelings I'm having. All this pain and confusion-yet I haven't told her about it. I feel bad for not speaking up but talking about her behind her back. I don't like it at all.
    I believe this is a help group only for you, and she should not be told you are trying to get therapudic help from this website.  This is strictly for your own mental well being and healing and of no buisiness of anyone else in the world except your own self.  You post, and recieve corrispondence in a total anonymous process.  What is up with your total honesty of your own personal issues, when she won't be honest with you in the simplest of things.  You have lost a lot of trust with her, yet you want to open your heart so she can stab you right through that heart.  You should think about what you are doing, and stop being that guy whose GF brings her lover home for him to watch them.  You are that guy, I can see that.  WOW!

Art
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MeSoBlu
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« Reply #31 on: February 16, 2012, 06:05:25 PM »

Vatz
Will you be happy spending the next few decades dealing with the ups and downs she will bring to you? The disrespect, doubt about your self worth that her crap puts on you? I am just learning all of this. Look in the mirror and know that you are better than this. I have it written on my mirror so I see it everyday. My uBPDh is trying, but I don't ride the roller coasters too much anymore because I know it is his illness that will finish our almost 30 year marriage.  Save yourself... have your say and get away!
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zakdzeger
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« Reply #32 on: February 16, 2012, 07:35:31 PM »

Hey man - I think everyone here is giving you good advice. She is mentally ill - but her crazymaking has you questioning yourself whether you are the one imagining things. This is how they work. They live in a parallel universe. You are dealing with a mental illness - she is not a bad person and can't help herself. Its funny how they all behave in the same way. And comforting in a way because when you see other people's examples of the same behaviour - you begin to understand that you were not imagining things. She has totally eroded your self confidence. Think about it - if you had a picture of another girl you were flirting with as the background image on your phone, if you were bragging to her about flirting with this girl, about spending the night at this girl's place - would she accept that? And more importantly, would you have a need to rub that sort of thing in her face to hurt her and get a reaction out of her. Of course not. No normal person would. That is the line between insanity and normality. You would especially not do that to a person you are in a relationship with - because in a normal relationship you care about the other person. But they are mentally ill - you are not. You may be codependent - but certainly not mentally ill. She is. And there is nothing you can do to fix it. You can put up with her behaviour and hope it will change but I wouldn't advise it. Don't hate her for who she is. Move away from the crazy-making, work on yourself, and you will be attracted to healthier people.
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ODGreen
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« Reply #33 on: February 22, 2012, 09:16:28 PM »

My recommendation is to leave. You will be hurting pretty bad for several months, but by staying your will be hurting much longer...over and over and over, by the way she seems.
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xeon
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« Reply #34 on: February 22, 2012, 10:14:14 PM »

She would probably reply "I can talk to whoever I want, however I want. If I flirt, it's okay because that's just how I am."

I would probably say "Well, but you realize this is actually hurting me and I feel disrespected."

And she would say "It's not personal, it's not you."


Talking to this other person, and carrying on as she does has a price.[/b] The price is her SO (me) is hurt, feels disrespected, and uncomfortable.

Knowing the cost and continuing means that my hurt feelings matter less to her than this other person. Ergo, I am less valuable to her than he is.
Re-read your very own words a few times... again I've live this crap.  I've lived the I'm a flirt crap... no more, I'm done with it.  It is very personal to your SO if that is a boundary of theirs.   

I just wouldn't tuck tail and run, confront it and be prepared to walk.  If for nothing else, yourself.  You're probably not going to hear what you want to hear, but it's better to hear it as opposed to not IMO.  Is this the sort of person you want to have a relationship with long term?  Really?   
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