I feel like my stepkids' BPD biomom is driving me, my husband and the kids crazy

[Think About It...]

Hi there, I posted this on the newcomers board and another member suggested I post here as well.  Since then, there has been a new development, which I included at the bottom of this post:

 Lately I've felt near the end of my rope with the effect the BPD person in my life is having on me and my family.  I should say that we don't have official confirmation that she has BPD, is that what they call UBPD on here?  (undiagnosed?) I'm new here and I've been doing a lot of research, just trying to learn as much as I can, and have made an appointment for me and my husband with a counsellor who has a lot of experience helping the families of people with BPD.  I am a stepmom of two wonderful kids whose mother is in many ways very destructive to their wellbeing.  We have the kids 50% of the time. I have been with my husband for just over 2 years, married for 6 months, and we have both been convinced for the past year and a half that the kids mother has BPD.  I have tried to have a cordial relationship with her but always end up getting burned, so I now protect myself from her, in as much as I can, by not having a relationship with her at all.

I am the main target of her volatility and to a lesser degree my husband, as well as the kids.  She has been upset on a few recent occasions because I wouldn't let down my boundary of not letting her come to our house or onto our property, and when I didn't speak to her at one of the children's team social events.  I feel extremely strongly that I need to protect myself from her and that I can only do that by having as little contact with her as possible.  I don't interact with her at all, although I have in the past. 

She is now on a kick of not "letting" me talk to the children when we are in a common place, like at one of their sporting events, and it's "her time."   The "reason" she gives my husband and the children for this is that anyone who does not treat her with "respect", including acknowledging her presence and being friendly, does not have "access" to her children on "her time," despite the fact that she treated me with extreme disrespect and cruelty since I have known her, which is why I will not have any interaction with her now (and for the past year, except for one last attempt this past Christmas, after which she burned me, again.)  She goes so far as to physically block me from speaking to them and yelling at them to go to her if they come over to me.  The kids come over and talk to me anyway, which is normal for us, but 2 weeks ago she told the kids that if I speak to either of them again on "her time" she would pull the oldest boy out of his favourite sport and get a restraining order against me.  I'm not afraid of what she says she could do to me, but it is so unhealthy and confusing for the kids.  They have both spoken to me about it and they do not think what she is doing is right. 

She is harming her relationship with them and, honestly, they are responding by getting even closer to me.  But it's a situation where we are all full of anxiety whenever we are all at the same place, which is usually once or twice a week.  She has called me every name in the book to the kids, told them I am a bad influence (which I truly am not, I am a very good and loving influence in their lives and they realize it) to the extent that the kids don't want to be in the same room with her when she starts in on me to them.  That comes from their own mouths.  It is just such an insane situation and she is being so destructive to her kids and trying (but failing) to destroy a healthy relationship with someone they love and trust (me).  My husband and I are extremely concerned, as are the kids, and not entirely sure what to do.

Recently I've been feeling like the situation will never get better, for any of us, but I'm finding glimmers of hope and this website is one of them.  We don't know anyone else who has gone through or is going through the kind of insanity we go through with this woman, and the destructiveness.  I'm looking for information, answers, advice and support. 

Since I wrote this last weekend she has changed her M.O.  At my stepson’s hockey game on Monday night she was still very controlling of the kid’s movements, but when my stepson came out of the locker room (my husband was still inside getting his gear) she walked him slightly in my direction so we could talk.  She kept her arms around his neck from behind while I congratulated him on the game and completely inserted herself in the conversation.  He is 11.  She proceeded to walk away then come back and have a fight with my husband and yell at me for something, but the fact that she made a point (and a show) of coming over to me to let him talk to me is so infuriating because just last week she was practically jumping up and down to put herself in between me and the kids, glaring at me if I spoke to them and telling them about the dire consequences if I spoke to them again on “her time.”  It’s so crazy-making and I just don’t know how to respond.  The next night there was another game and she and her boyfriend walked passed me in the parking lot and she said in a sweet voice “Hi _ _  _ _”.  My husband and I both noticed that the youngest (I have 2 stepchildren) who is 10 was not relaxed or coming over to talk to us as he usually does, and she kept turning around to glare at my husband throughout the game.  So it seems that her alienation is having an affect on the youngest, more so than last week (and it has in the past also).  How do other people deal with this kind of crazy behaviour and how should I respond?  My husband said to just say hi back, but I feel like I’m being yanked by a chain with her and I greatest wish in the world is to never have anything to do with her again.  What should I do?

[Steplove]

Hi there, I posted this on the newcomers board and another member suggested I post here as well.  Since then, there has been a new development, which I included at the bottom of this post:

 Lately I've felt near the end of my rope with the effect the BPD person in my life is having on me and my family.  I should say that we don't have official confirmation that she has BPD, is that what they call UBPD on here?  (undiagnosed?) I'm new here and I've been doing a lot of research, just trying to learn as much as I can, and have made an appointment for me and my husband with a counsellor who has a lot of experience helping the families of people with BPD.  I am a stepmom of two wonderful kids whose mother is in many ways very destructive to their wellbeing.  We have the kids 50% of the time. I have been with my husband for just over 2 years, married for 6 months, and we have both been convinced for the past year and a half that the kids mother has BPD.  I have tried to have a cordial relationship with her but always end up getting burned, so I now protect myself from her, in as much as I can, by not having a relationship with her at all.

I am the main target of her volatility and to a lesser degree my husband, as well as the kids.  She has been upset on a few recent occasions because I wouldn't let down my boundary of not letting her come to our house or onto our property, and when I didn't speak to her at one of the children's team social events.  I feel extremely strongly that I need to protect myself from her and that I can only do that by having as little contact with her as possible.  I don't interact with her at all, although I have in the past. 

She is now on a kick of not "letting" me talk to the children when we are in a common place, like at one of their sporting events, and it's "her time."   The "reason" she gives my husband and the children for this is that anyone who does not treat her with "respect", including acknowledging her presence and being friendly, does not have "access" to her children on "her time," despite the fact that she treated me with extreme disrespect and cruelty since I have known her, which is why I will not have any interaction with her now (and for the past year, except for one last attempt this past Christmas, after which she burned me, again.)  She goes so far as to physically block me from speaking to them and yelling at them to go to her if they come over to me.  The kids come over and talk to me anyway, which is normal for us, but 2 weeks ago she told the kids that if I speak to either of them again on "her time" she would pull the oldest boy out of his favourite sport and get a restraining order against me.  I'm not afraid of what she says she could do to me, but it is so unhealthy and confusing for the kids.  They have both spoken to me about it and they do not think what she is doing is right. 

She is harming her relationship with them and, honestly, they are responding by getting even closer to me.  But it's a situation where we are all full of anxiety whenever we are all at the same place, which is usually once or twice a week.  She has called me every name in the book to the kids, told them I am a bad influence (which I truly am not, I am a very good and loving influence in their lives and they realize it) to the extent that the kids don't want to be in the same room with her when she starts in on me to them.  That comes from their own mouths.  It is just such an insane situation and she is being so destructive to her kids and trying (but failing) to destroy a healthy relationship with someone they love and trust (me).  My husband and I are extremely concerned, as are the kids, and not entirely sure what to do.

Recently I've been feeling like the situation will never get better, for any of us, but I'm finding glimmers of hope and this website is one of them.  We don't know anyone else who has gone through or is going through the kind of insanity we go through with this woman, and the destructiveness.  I'm looking for information, answers, advice and support. 

Since I wrote this last weekend she has changed her M.O.  At my stepson’s hockey game on Monday night she was still very controlling of the kid’s movements, but when my stepson came out of the locker room (my husband was still inside getting his gear) she walked him slightly in my direction so we could talk.  She kept her arms around his neck from behind while I congratulated him on the game and completely inserted herself in the conversation.  He is 11.  She proceeded to walk away then come back and have a fight with my husband and yell at me for something, but the fact that she made a point (and a show) of coming over to me to let him talk to me is so infuriating because just last week she was practically jumping up and down to put herself in between me and the kids, glaring at me if I spoke to them and telling them about the dire consequences if I spoke to them again on “her time.”  It’s so crazy-making and I just don’t know how to respond.  The next night there was another game and she and her boyfriend walked passed me in the parking lot and she said in a sweet voice “Hi _ _  _ _”.  My husband and I both noticed that the youngest (I have 2 stepchildren) who is 10 was not relaxed or coming over to talk to us as he usually does, and she kept turning around to glare at my husband throughout the game.  So it seems that her alienation is having an affect on the youngest, more so than last week (and it has in the past also).  How do other people deal with this kind of crazy behaviour and how should I respond?  My husband said to just say hi back, but I feel like I’m being yanked by a chain with her and I greatest wish in the world is to never have anything to do with her again.  What should I do?

[beyondbelief]

To be honest there is probably not much you can do to control how she acts.  You can do things to help the kids deal with it.  Here are a couple of resources: 

What is "parental alienation"?

http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Poison-New-Updated-Bad-mouthing/dp/0061863262/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_c

I would suggest being civil and having as little contact as possible with X.  Kids are pretty smart and will usually figure out who is causing the problems and who is acting reasonably.

[DreamGirl]

Hi steplove.

 

I'm a stepmama too. My stepkids' mama suffers from BPD too. I also have such a loving husband.  

The kids deserve to participate in sports.
The kids deserve to be stress free while participating in sports.
The kids deserve to have their parents watch them while they shoot goals.
The kids deserve to not have to worry so much as to who they are allowed to speak with.

Those are what I think my stepdaughters deserve. My stepdaughters also deserve to be allowed to love me and want me there too. My stepkids' mama decided a few years ago once, that if I went... then she wasn't going.  It was great for me, except without her going, that meant I had to take them. All the time.  ;p

Well, at the end of the year banquet, my oldest SD broke down in tears because she wanted her mama there so much. As I consoled her and told her that I was sorry she was so sad, I had an epiphany.

And I quit going to sporting events.

I had the power to stop the madness... and I did. I stopped the madness. I did it because yes, I deserve to go and they deserve to have my support... but not at the expense of all that which is most important. Their right to be in a stress free environment while participating in a positive outlet to their already stressful life.

Most Stepmamas don't agree with me, and that's OK. I was once at my rope's end too. I'm not anymore and it started with my accepting the beautiful disaster that is my husband's ex-wife... just the way she is. I stopped waiting for her to "knock it off" because I came to realization that she never would.  

I stopped giving her the power over my life to "drive" me anywhere.    

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Faded]

To be honest there is probably not much you can do to control how she acts.  You can do things to help the kids deal with it.  Here are a couple of resources: 

What is "parental alienation"?

http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Poison-New-Updated-Bad-mouthing/dp/0061863262/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_c

I would suggest being civil and having as little contact as possible with X.  Kids are pretty smart and will usually figure out who is causing the problems and who is acting reasonably.

Thanks for link to the video, bought some reality to my mind.

Opens my mind up so much more to my situation, was unable to find much info on the 3 scenarios during parental alienation (The child, the alienating parent, the target parent).

Have struggles myself with placing myself in the alienating position by having to defend myself, made me feel as though i was also alienating but now i can see i was just defending my role as a parent and not blackening the alienating parent.

The one 1 thing i keep seeing though is that the parent who is targeted is the one the child separates from.
In my case my D13 left her mum and chose to live with me full time after the emotional abuse layed out towrds me and daughter. was left shell shocked this time round.

Im sure my T will help me through the fog.

[tog]

My SO has a 12yo son and an uNPD/BPDx.

If there's anything good about her narcissism, it's that she cares about her "image" and so does not target me directly, or even indirectly. For some reason, she seems to want me to think highly of her. When she found out I was reading the nutty email manifestos that she sent my SO, she stopped sending them.   So when we see her in public, she acts like Mother Of The Year. Once even told me that her son tells her how much he adores me. 

However, she works very, very hard to alienate the child from his father in every way possible, so I know how heartbreaking it is to see a child you care about so confused. SS12 talks to me a lot about it. Unfortunately, he's got a touch of Stockholm Syndrome, so he believes a lot of the negative stuff his mother says about his father. The stress and anxiety of it all just weigh him down, because he does love his father and he loves me too. We try to tell him our version of the truth without bad-mouthing her.

I have to say, if I were in your shoes, I would bow out of going to the events in favor of keeping the peace and letting the kids have both of their bio parents around. Even if the kids miss having you, they will appreciate now or eventually, that you were the mature one who took them out of the middle.  At some point, they may get the courage to tell their mom that they want you there and to knock it off.

Partly, I think my SO's X treats me semi-decently because I have always stayed out of the parenting and told the boy early on that I wasn't trying to be his mother. X was initially very anxious about that (and I think still worries that he will love me more), but staying in the background and having no communication with her other than a polite hello has helped.

I would say to them, "Guys, I think your Mom is having a hard time with me being in your life and it comes out when she sees us together. I see how hard it is for you to feel caught in the middle, so I am no longer going to those events when she will be there...not because I'm angry at her or at you, but because I want you to enjoy your hockey games without worrying about all of us adults".

She will likely never change. She may tone it down, or it may be off and on (like people with BPD generally are) but she will always have a disorder. Sometimes I want to chuck it all and walk away, but luckily, that passes. 

[KHat]

Hi Steplove.  I'm also a stepmom married to a man with an undiagnosed disordered ex.  Everything you describe sounds familiar to me.  One thing that I find crazymaking is that she can be fine with something one week, she creates a scene about it the next week, and then fine again another week after that ... for no apparent reason.

My husband and I were just married a few weeks ago and it has ramped up her crazy.  She has taken it out on him and the kids, because I have hard boundaries when it comes to her.  Any email she sends me gets forwarded to my husband and trashed without ever reaching my inbox.  On drop-offs - which I frequently avoid in general when possible - I stay in the car and read or something and pretty much don't acknowledge her.  We have "exit plans" for situations in which she may be, since once she raged at me and tried to attack me in front of her children.  

The trying thing is finding that balance between letting her control our choices and doing what's best for the kids.  As you've figured out, the kids know what's what.  They know whose behavior seems normal, unembarrassing, predictable.  My husband does a great job in helping the kids understand what they feel and how to express themselves to their mom.  She has a lot of trouble with mirroring - she sees the kids as extensions of herself, and so their liking me is a major act of disloyalty.  In her world, people are either good or bad ... conveniently for her, I'm always bad, but inconveniently, my husband, her ex, goes back and forth between bad or good depending on her needs or the children's needs (she thinks he's a lying piece of garbage, but she still thinks they were wonderful together).  Unfortunately, SD13 is at a point in her development in which she is starting to figure out who she is independent of her parents - another big act of disloyalty for a PD mother - and so sometimes she too is "bad," and has, sadly, sometimes begun to refer to herself that way.

I try to remember three "rules" about my husband's uBPD ex, which help me maintain perspective:
1 - more than anything, she fears abandonment.  When my husband left her, it was such a huge thing that emotionally, she lives it over and over, and her words and actions seem to indicate that it happened recently rather than three years ago.  However, she spent much of the marriage threatening to leave him, and even cheating on him.  She's afraid of her children abandoning her too.  Their liking me, in her eyes, somehow seems to translate to my attempt to "steal" them from her and replace her.  She will probably spend her life trying to control and emotionally suffocate them.
2 - she is, as DreamGirl puts it, an unfillable cup.  No matter how much attention/love/loyalty you give her, it is never enough.  
3 - she believes herself to be Mother of the Year and is never wrong or mistaken.  She will never apologize except in sarcasm.  She is too emotionally fragile to process the concept of being wrong, at fault, in error.  She needs to blame and project and deflect and recreate facts and even lie in order to protect her psyche.

Now, the issue is 1) getting the children to understand that without denigrating their mother, and 2) focusing on minimizing the behaviors that spring from these core truths.  I agree very much with DreamGirl in that it would be lovely, and is really the children's right, to have all of their parents participating together in their activities, even if it just requires tacitly ignoring each other.  But if it's not possible for you and her to be in the same place at the same time, then what?  

Over the holidays, we had a family session with our couples counselor, and we all talked openly about some of these challenges.  The kids have found ways to deal with the loyalty binds, but for the most part, we ask what makes them comfortable.  I'm not going to assert my "right" to attend their functions with their father if it will end up with their mother creating a horrible scene that embarrasses them.  

So my advice is to talk to your husband first (and often).  Create an exit plan for the "what if"s to make you feel more comfortable.  Talk with the kids.  I give mine permission to do what they need to get along with their mom; I'm not going to take it personally if they ignore me because it keeps the peace.  SD13 is rather proud of her relationship with me and likes using it to irritate her mother, but SD9 is still more loyal and hesitant.  Just stay sensitive and keep the lines of communication open.  And good luck.

[NorthernGirl]

Hi Steplove. I'm another stepmom chiming in to let you know that you are not alone. 

The fact that a number of the stepmoms are on this site trying to figure out how we can help our stepkids speaks to the struggle many of these kids have. You may hear different advice from different stepmoms on this site, but in my experience it is all helpful to figuring out what you choose to do. There are no easy answers, and there certainly doesn't seem to be any way to avoid the madness and turmoil altogether.

I've had similar sports event issues that you described, the most recent with Mom (undiagnosed BPD -- UBPD) telling her son that she didn't want me at soccer games when she was there because she was worried I would yell at her (she had yelled at me a few months earlier but claimed I was the one who had lost it.) The hard thing for my stepson was that he knew I understood the game, took him to practices when his dad was away, etc. And he knew his Mom didn't know the game, refused to drive him to practices and only went to one game per season. So he wanted me there, but didn't want to upset his Mom. So most games we let her decide -- if she was going, I didn't, and it turned out to not be a big deal because she went to so few games. I believe she was just testing his loyalty, and when his loyalty wasn't tested, she dropped it.

Mom has tried several campaigns to discredit me, but usually the truth comes out. The inconsistency you mentioned does leave the kids confused and wondering when she is going to loose it - that's the "Walking on Eggshells" you often hear about with people who have someone with BPD in their lives. Another word you used was "control", and you will find that if she is in control, she is often less stressed (and therefore less volatile.) You are a threat to her because she can't control you (like the kids, and your DH through the kids.) That's likely why you are a target. It sucks, but there is not much you can do about it except just keep being you and the kids will hopefully figure it out (sounds like they already have).

Good for you for getting counseling for you and your SO. Stick to your principles and boundaries. DH's ex is not allowed in our home (she was before I was in the picture.) DH only emails her (she used to phone and scream at him), neither of us answer her phone calls. I will only give a brief hello if we see each other in person. I rarely talk about her with the kids (usually only if they bring something up or it is some fact like your mom is coming to get you at 6.)

Look after yourself and do your best to build a strong partnership with your husband -- and the kids will see a good example in you, and in a loving couple, and learn from that. 

[DreamGirl]

So he wanted me there, but didn't want to upset his Mom. So most games we let her decide -- if she was going, I didn't, and it turned out to not be a big deal because she went to so few games. I believe she was just testing his loyalty, and when his loyalty wasn't tested, she dropped it.

I think this tends to be the pattern.

Good advice, NG. 

[Steplove]

Thanks so much everyone for your thoughtful replies and support.  There is a lot here for me to seriously consider and it really helps to know that others are going through the same kind of thing as our family.

"I rarely talk about her with the kids (usually only if they bring something up or it is some fact like your mom is coming to get you at 6.)" - NG, this is one of many the things that you said that rang true for me (I'm not sure how to "quote" like I've seen others do yet...).  I rarely talk about the kids' mom to them either, I find it extremely hard to respond in a neutral way when they bring her up.  Sometimes it's heartbreaking because they, especially the oldest, will tell me things about her that they think will make me like her, such as "Mama's started going to the gym" (they know I love going to the gym) or a funny story about her.  I do my best just to say something un-charged like "that's nice" and leave it at that. 

Tog and Dreamgirl, how did your stepkids and your SO react when you said you were going to stop going to sporting events where the kids' mother would be?  One sport in particular, which my oldest stepson (11) plays is a big part of our lives, including going away to tournaments once or twice a year as a family, and I have gotten to be friends with other parents of team members.  My husband is also the team manager and we go to team games/practices/social events 1-3 times a week.  For us my not going would mean me bowing out of a big part of what our family does together, and I know my husband would find it very hard if I decided not to go anymore.  In some ways the idea is very appealing to me because it would diminish stress and anxiety for the kids and for me.  But I feel like it's a big price to pay, I feel like it would be running away from a bully and I a big part of me doesn't think it would be fair to my husband, to the kids (because it means so much to them to have us there to watch them) and to me, because I would be missing out on a big part of our family activities.  I wonder what other parents (step or not) out there think or have done in similar circumstances.

Again, I really appreciate all of the feedback and suggestions. I have a lot to think about and, yes, to talk to my husband about.

Steplove