Did Turmoil when younger trigger BPD

[Think About It...]

100 years ago people were said to be suffering from " melancholy " and were locked away in asylums.
Though we don't do this anymore I'm sure I'm not the first to say this: we still have a long way to go in regard to how society handles and relates to mental illness.

[almostvegan]

100 years ago people were said to be suffering from " melancholy " and were locked away in asylums.
Though we don't do this anymore I'm sure I'm not the first to say this: we still have a long way to go in regard to how society handles and relates to mental illness.

[heronbird]

Yes, interesting question, I saw a period drama when a lady seemed very depressed and after a time drowned herself in their river, she was married to a very rich man and he was sokind but didnt understand, tried so hard to help her. So sad.

Can someone tell me what co dependancy means, I keep reading it here and dont know the term, dont think we use it in UK

[paradisl]

We may never know what the exact cause was, I have gone through every detail myself.I wish you all the best. It is definatly hard to watch and be in the middle of this battle. My son had a tramatic illness, he also had epilepsy from 2-5years of age. Again, I wish you all the best.

[trytrytry]

Dear Heronbird,
Re: question on co dependency.  My definition (not a technical one) is - whenever I am doing for someone what they could do for themselves, in order to keep the calm- I'm being co dependent.
I'm a pro.

[heronbird]

Try Hi!

Do you think that is what it means. I didnt think it ment that. Im confussed now

Ill tell you what my dictionary says
of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alchol or gambaling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

What do you think of that

[Violet719]

It's my understanding that a codependent helps and enables the "dependent" (addicted or ill) person to continue their dependency because the co-dependent "benefits" in some way - perhaps by maintaining peace, avoiding conflict in the relationship or not having to face change.  If I give in to everything my BPDD demands of me just to keep the peace, or if I fix problems that she has caused herself, or if I don't stick to my boundaries because I hate to see her in pain, that would make me co-dependent.  I "benefit" because I don't have to fight or face change or see her suffer. She stays in the relationship instead of leaving, and that is ultimately what I want. Rather than facing our problems, we are denying them and developing patterns of interaction that seem polite and caring but really just disguise the fact that we can't talk about real issues.  The result is that the person with the addiction or illness does not have to change their behavior.

I'm not saying I do all these things; I'm just writing in the first person as an example.  I do them sometimes, though, but not without awareness or reasons.  Sometimes it's a matter of picking my battles for my own sake. Sometimes it's because I don't think the tougher approach is best for my grandchildren. And BPD is not an addiction and the same concepts can't be used in the same way (I don't think).  Yes, it's about behavior change, and it involves partners in a relationship, but the motivations and contexts seem way different.

I don't know if this is accurate; it's just how I interpret what I've read about codependency.

Heronbird, I think we are all talking about the same thing.  If I'm psychologically dependent on my BPDD staying with me, then I may enable her to maintain her behavior to keep her here or because I just sincerely want to help her. But I think the reason has to be taken into account.  I don't want her here because I NEED her; nor do I help her for her sake or even mine. I do it because I think her children are better off.  And she is not addicted to anything.  Her behavior is not centered around substance use; it's caused by something else.  So I don't know if codependent is even the right term.  I am way out of my league here.  Not a psychologist or expert in addictions.

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[heronbird]

It's my understanding that a codependent helps and enables the "dependent" (addicted or ill) person to continue their dependency because the co-dependent "benefits" in some way - perhaps by maintaining peace, avoiding conflict in the relationship or not having to face change.  If I give in to everything my BPDD demands of me just to keep the peace, or if I fix problems that she has caused herself, or if I don't stick to my boundaries because I hate to see her in pain, that would make me co-dependent.  I "benefit" because I don't have to fight or face change or see her suffer. She stays in the relationship instead of leaving, and that is ultimately what I want. Rather than facing our problems, we are denying them and developing patterns of interaction that seem polite and caring but really just disguise the fact that we can't talk about real issues.  The result is that the person with the addiction or illness does not have to change their behavior.

I'm not saying I do all these things; I'm just writing in the first person as an example.  I do them sometimes, though, but not without awareness or reasons.  Sometimes it's a matter of picking my battles for my own sake. Sometimes it's because I don't think the tougher approach is best for my grandchildren. And BPD is not an addiction and the same concepts can't be used in the same way (I don't think).  Yes, it's about behavior change, and it involves partners in a relationship, but the motivations and contexts seem way different.

I don't know if this is accurate; it's just how I interpret what I've read about codependency.

Heronbird, I think we are all talking about the same thing.  If I'm psychologically dependent on my BPDD staying with me, then I may enable her to maintain her behavior to keep her here or because I just sincerely want to help her. But I think the reason has to be taken into account.  I don't want her here because I NEED her; nor do I help her for her sake or even mine. I do it because I think her children are better off.  And she is not addicted to anything.  Her behavior is not centered around substance use; it's caused by something else.  So I don't know if codependent is even the right term.  I am way out of my league here.  Not a psychologist or expert in addictions.

I cant  do quotes so I just want to add about the last paragraph, I understand now you said that last bit, it makes sence a lot more and I dont think it is the right term.
Someone posted that she was seeing a P because of her codependency issues that she struggles with, so that confussed me more. I kind of get it now I think. Is it like what it says in my book an enabler.

[Gentle Lady]

I think the main thing to remember is that the reality for a child is what the child perceives that reality to be. In childhood we do not always interpret what is going on correctly. A loving parent can be doing their best, but then the child perceives this differently and builds up a kind of theory that makes them feel neglected. I am fairly sure that this happened with my daughter. I did all I could to meet her needs. I think I followed the manual. She however felt her needs were not met. In my daughter's case there  were outside traumatic events which did not help - I am talking here of murder, rape and death. It was hard enough to cope with as an adult. What she perceived as the lack of care was that with all those things I tried to get help for her. Telling others she went through those experiences whether  vicariously or not was perceived as the big betrayal. How on earth was I to know that by doing what was recommended, I was actually creating the problem?
  That said, I think there has to be something genetic in all of this. My fathers mother was soooooo similar. My dad is pretty like his mother. I seemed to gain my mum's over empathic nature and can see how this all conspired to push along the BPD.
  I don't think we can blame ourselves unless we consciously abused a child any more than we can blame ourselves if we pass on an inherited disability or illness. Sometimes it is out of our control.
   Some children would probably end up with the same traits whatever family they were in because the expectation of those who are not BPD of their behaviours would still be the same?