What would you call this trait

[Think About It...]

My H, never opens doors for me, picks up things I've dropped and even once sat in the chair a waiter help back for me to sit in. (The waiters face was halarious and I laughed out loud and H had no idea why we were reacting that way).

The thing is, he will do these things for me, if his mum is with us.  ?
He is the champion gentleman. He opens car doors, shop doors and waits for us to walk in first and holds chairs back. Says things like "here I'll get that for you"

Whats with this?

[Happiest]

My H, never opens doors for me, picks up things I've dropped and even once sat in the chair a waiter help back for me to sit in. (The waiters face was halarious and I laughed out loud and H had no idea why we were reacting that way).

The thing is, he will do these things for me, if his mum is with us.  ?
He is the champion gentleman. He opens car doors, shop doors and waits for us to walk in first and holds chairs back. Says things like "here I'll get that for you"

Whats with this?

[Auspicious]

Hard to say.

It isn't a "BPD trait" in itself. Here's a summary of BPD criteria in the DSM-IV:

http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm


What does he say when you tell him that it bothers you?

How do you handle your feelings when he doesn't behave the way that you want him to?

[Happiest]

I learnt early to pick my issues with him and this one wasnt high on the list all said and done untill now. I have a tendancy to laugh if I get nervous or secretly fuming.
I made a quirky joke about it, "QUICK SIT DOWN , OR HE WILL PINCH THE CHAIR FIRST" in front of his mum and we all laughed. He admitted he was a work in process. and she says "Oh I'm flattered you do it just for me then" - Later he asked me what I meant and I reminded him of the waiter incident - he said "Oh I thought that guys was weird - like Emannual in Fawlty Towers" we all laugh and it was light hearted as things can be with us.

 
How do you handle your feelings when he doesn't behave the way that you want him to?

[/color]As I mentioned above, I tend to laugh it off, or I can just not show the emotion and not raise the issue. But I can tell you, after watching this for six years and its not improving even a little - I'm pretty jaded by the rudness and unmanlyness of it. I'm almost embarressed by it"
He also holds doors open for our female clients also
/quote]

[Happiest]

Hard to say.

It isn't a "BPD trait" in itself. Here's a summary of BPD criteria in the DSM-IV:

http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm

He has admitted to these things in various times and his mother has told me of some of these things.
Bearing in mind also he has denied all of them too.

 1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment...
has never forgiven his Mother for leaving him with a nany when she travelled overseas with his Dad. HATED child care and hated her going to Bridge. Just to mention a couple of things.

  2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

absolutely - according to his best friends's wife, and from my observation, he either has me (and his exsss on a pedistal or we are slags and whining bit..s. Same with his mum...she is either balck or pure white.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
Totally lost about himself. Wavers from Grandiose to worthless and has no real stable clue about how he is gowing to fullfill his life.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5
Spending (to the point that his parents have put a caveatt on the property) and sexual issues that I have had to fight to have boundaries around, and substance abuse in the form of experimenting with prescription and non prescription drugs.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Not anymore, but morbidly bent

 6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
probably the most telling part about him is his moodyness and irritability. also judgemental opinions of poeple without proof or justification .

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

One of the biggest things he complained of when I first met him, and something he talks about with his T a lot.

 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
Can absolutely be cutting and cruel to his mum and me. He doesnt get physical anymore after nearly knowcking me out about four years ago.

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

what does this mean Auspicious?

[Auspicious]

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

what does this mean Auspicious?

If I understand it correctly, it means episodes of severe paranoia or other severe disconnection from reality. Psychosis-like episodes. Brief forays into the land of "flat out crazy".

My main point in listing the BPD criteria, though, was to point out that {X thing that I don't like} is not really "a BPD trait".

I have been personally finding it helpful to try to take responsibility for my own reactions and judgments.

"She does X a lot, and I don't like X" has turned out to be a better way for me to think things through than constantly thinking "she does X all the time, and it's crazy!" or "she does X all the time to be evil and hurt me!"

[ShadesofGray]

My H, never opens doors for me, picks up things I've dropped and even once sat in the chair a waiter help back for me to sit in. (The waiters face was halarious and I laughed out loud and H had no idea why we were reacting that way).

The thing is, he will do these things for me, if his mum is with us.  ?
He is the champion gentleman. He opens car doors, shop doors and waits for us to walk in first and holds chairs back. Says things like "here I'll get that for you"

Whats with this?

My DH is like this and he's not BPD in any way shape or form. He is, however, just very comfortable with me as his spouse and so he just doesn't think to do those kinds of things for me anymore. Sometimes, too, he's a little clueless, and it used to bother me, but now I find it sort of endearing.

Just another way to view the situation. It sounds to me like he's just trying to be a gentleman around your mom, since she's older. He was probably taught to be respectful of elders. Nothing wrong with that.

If you'd like him to be more chivalrous around you, then say something.

[Happiest]

My H, never opens doors for me, picks up things I've dropped and even once sat in the chair a waiter help back for me to sit in. (The waiters face was halarious and I laughed out loud and H had no idea why we were reacting that way).

The thing is, he will do these things for me, if his mum is with us.  ?
He is the champion gentleman. He opens car doors, shop doors and waits for us to walk in first and holds chairs back. Says things like "here I'll get that for you"

Whats with this?

My DH is like this and he's not BPD in any way shape or form. He is, however, just very comfortable with me as his spouse and so he just doesn't think to do those kinds of things for me anymore. Sometimes, too, he's a little clueless, and it used to bother me, but now I find it sort of endearing.

Just another way to view the situation. It sounds to me like he's just trying to be a gentleman around your mom, since she's older. He was probably taught to be respectful of elders. Nothing wrong with that.

If you'd like him to be more chivalrous around you, then say something.

re saying something......its been said dont you worry, nicely and with tact...you know fluffing his ego etc.
I'm not backward in coming forward. I just dont make a fight of it.
And I think if he (or any male , my 3 sons included can be manly and polite around thier mum, they can do the same for the woman who they have sex with and who washes thier sox. I dont consider myself on a lower level to a woman who is only 8 years older than me in any situation. And I wouldnt want him to think I am either.

You know what, It wouldnt matter if he didnt do it for me, if he didnt know any better, but obviously he does.

[ODGreen]

My H, never opens doors for me, picks up things I've dropped and even once sat in the chair a waiter help back for me to sit in. (The waiters face was halarious and I laughed out loud and H had no idea why we were reacting that way).

That is too funny. Thank you for the laugh. It feels good to laugh these days.

[united for now]

This discussion is all about changing him - not something you can do.

What about shifting your focus to how can I accept that my H doesn't want to perform gentlemanly manners towards me? - something you CAN do...

[CodependentHusband]

Ha! I missed this thread somehow until just now. My dBPDw has gotten to where she no longer wants me to open the car door, or hold doors for her. Well, actually, when she is really angry, she makes it a point to not allow me to do those things for her. Otherwise, she is okay with it. I just find it interesting to see the other side of the equation. It is probably a control thing for my wife, I would guess.

[united for now]

CodependentH

. Don't we all look favorably on others when we are happy with them and find fault when we are upset with them? That's more human than BPD...

Our focus is on what "we" value and stand for.

[Happiest]

This discussion is all about changing him - not something you can do.What about shifting your focus to how can I accept that my H doesn't want to perform gentlemanly manners towards me? - something you CAN do...

actually , I thought the  discussion was about "What would you call this trait".
How to change the behaviour wasnt the question. The question is more of a help me understand it.

i can accept it, (already have), but it doesnt stop it from perplexing me. and you have to admit, theres something funny (haha and funny weird )about a bloke in his late 30's taking a seat the waiter holds back for his wife.

My H, never opens doors for me, picks up things I've dropped and even once sat in the chair a waiter help back for me to sit in. (The waiters face was halarious and I laughed out loud and H had no idea why we were reacting that way).

That is too funny. Thank you for the laugh. It feels good to laugh these days.

...yes it was very funny. I'm glad it cheered you up. 
I can tell you some more halarious stories if you want.

Auspicious your right, about the taking it personally thing. I have stopped doing that a while back...but having said that, I would like to figure out what the makeup of this is. Its intregueing.

Ha! I missed this thread somehow until just now. My dBPDw has gotten to where she no longer wants me to open the car door, or hold doors for her. Well, actually, when she is really angry, she makes it a point to not allow me to do those things for her. Otherwise, she is okay with it. I just find it interesting to see the other side of the equation. It is probably a control thing for my wife, I would guess.

Man she does not know what she is knocking back. But your right I think if I was so peeved at my H so far as to refuse him opening doors etc., it would be more about punishing and being independant of his love. "You hurt me, so I'm going to distance myself so you cant get through my skin again"
I think I may have been there with my Ex H at sometime. Difference is, he had an affair and I WAS justifyably fuming.

This isnt about how I handle it thread. I think I handle it just fine. How I feel about it is slightly different and I was just wondering what is in a person that is like that.

[united for now]

You're right. Understanding your partners behavior is the first lesson we focus on 

For positive change to occur though, it's important to work our way beyond just understanding them and more to understanding ourselves...

Members only change when they begin to work on their own thoughts, feelings, and reactions to the problems they are facing. Why? cause trying to change others is bound to fail.

This isnt about how I handle it thread. I think I handle it just fine. How I feel about it is slightly different and I was just wondering what is in a person that is like that.

A mental illness 

[Happiest]

You're right. Understanding your partners behavior is the first lesson we focus on 

For positive change to occur though, it's important to work our way beyond just understanding them and more to understanding ourselves...

Members only change when they begin to work on their own thoughts, feelings, and reactions to the problems they are facing. Why? cause trying to change others is bound to fail.

This isnt about how I handle it thread. I think I handle it just fine. How I feel about it is slightly different and I was just wondering what is in a person that is like that.

A mental illness 

Doh! ... of course. 
all jokes aside, I do get your message though. Its maddening to keep working out a maddening issue isnt it.
And considering all things, I'd rather he deal with the revolting name calling and telling me my whole family hates me, than be too worried about him plonking his bum on a chair that I had my eye on.
I'd like him to get off the ten hours a day computer games too, but that isnt going to happen because I want it too though.

Oh well life is peacefull today and I got to work effectively and make my targets. Who cares if I have to open my own doors.   ;p

[united for now]

My uBPDbf got into the playing games all day habit for awhile  ;p

I used the opportunity to work here and on my own issues and let him do his own thing. It took him  awhile, but when the thrill of killing enemies finally lifted, he realized I wasn't there like I used to be, and he changed...

My DBT Family Skills T told be that we need to stay on course. She likened it to using a compass, where North was safe. Our partners try to lure us into facing South with them, which leads to pain and heartache. It's our choice how we want to behave though. Join them in facing South and follow their lead into destroying the relationship, or maintain our own internal healthy compass setting of facing North and wait for our partner to join us... It didn't happen immediately, but I find my bf facing North a lot more 

[Auspicious]

actually , I thought the  discussion was about "What would you call this trait".

Well, it's not a trait. Not a BPD one, anyway. (ref the DSM-IV criteria)

Sometimes stuff just annoys us, or there are things about our partners that we wish were different, and it has nothing to do with BPD 

[eeyore]

I call the trait selfish.  But like others said it is not exclusive to BPD.  Nons can be selfish as well. 

On another note, what happens if you are at a restaurant and he sits in the chair a waiter pulled out for you and you continued to stand there.  Does the waiter go to the next chair and pull it out for you?  Does your H realize that him sitting in the seat you were supposed to sit in is bad etiquette? 

[CodependentHusband]

CodependentH

. Don't we all look favorably on others when we are happy with them and find fault when we are upset with them? That's more human than BPD...

Our focus is on what "we" value and stand for.

. Yes. That is true... Now I find myself continuing to open doors for her because I want to, but I ease off when I sense that she is feeling agressive about it. I don't consider this so much walking on eggshells as it is just trying to read what my partner wants/needs are at a given time.

[united for now]

Which in itself is a courtesy (( tip my ears to you ))

[Happiest]

My uBPDbf got into the playing games all day habit for awhile  ;p

I used the opportunity to work here and on my own issues and let him do his own thing. It took him  awhile, but when the thrill of killing enemies finally lifted, he realized I wasn't there like I used to be, and he changed...

My DBT Family Skills T told be that we need to stay on course. She likened it to using a compass, where North was safe. Our partners try to lure us into facing South with them, which leads to pain and heartache. It's our choice how we want to behave though. Join them in facing South and follow their lead into destroying the relationship, or maintain our own internal healthy compass setting of facing North and wait for our partner to join us... It didn't happen immediately, but I find my bf facing North a lot more 

[/b]

I really like that statement. I'll have to write it down and remember it.

I call the trait selfish.  But like others said it is not exclusive to BPD.  Nons can be selfish as well. 

On another note, what happens if you are at a restaurant and he sits in the chair a waiter pulled out for you and you continued to stand there.  Does the waiter go to the next chair and pull it out for you?  Does your H realize that him sitting in the seat you were supposed to sit in is bad etiquette? 

You would have laughed if you were there Eeyore. After the waiter and i giggled and he picked his Jaw up , he just walked off to get the menus. I was left standing there for a second while I pulled out the next chair to sit on. My H thought thats what made the waiter remind him of Manuelle in Fawlty Towers. It was an "Eh?" moment.

CodependentH

. Don't we all look favorably on others when we are happy with them and find fault when we are upset with them? That's more human than BPD...

Our focus is on what "we" value and stand for.

. Yes. That is true... Now I find myself continuing to open doors for her because I want to, but I ease off when I sense that she is feeling agressive about it. I don't consider this so much walking on eggshells as it is just trying to read what my partner wants/needs are at a given time.

I agree with that, and CoDH, I'm glad yous till do it when you can and are aware of when it wont work.
I also continue to pull out my own chair these days.  ;p

So the trait is selfish. ah ha.
I find the difference in the way he behaves around me and what he is unselfish about with his mUm, concerning.

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