YOU are in counseling - not your wife.
YOU are the patient - not your wife.
Your counselor is working on YOU, not your wife. They are working to help YOU make better decisions and to help you understand the dynamics of your relationship. Their role isn't to give you any answers. It's up to you to decide how you want to live your life. You live according to your own values. Not someone else's.
And some counselors don't want to see both partners, to maintain an impartial attitude. Thus why he gave you a referral for her to see someone else.
I agree with you UFN. I also think it's helpful to the non to see a counselor who is familiar with BPD because otherwise I think some aren't able to help the non sufficiently.