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Video: Validation -- encouraging peace in a "BPD" family Alan Fruzzetti Ph.D. provides an in-depth explanation of validating and invalidating communications and the importance of creating a validating environment for the entire family. This is a "must see" for any family that has a family member who has a highly sensitive personality or who may be suffering from BPD.

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Author Topic: Questions about consoling?  (Read 221 times)
Mike76
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« on: February 17, 2012, 09:26:33 PM »

I am in consoling and my wife is not,  I started consoling with my first consular almost a year ago now, left them for a new consular after about 3-4 months.  I left the first consular for a few reasons: scheduling conflicts, my wife knew of this consular and once told me if she ever needed to talk to one she would talk to them(she changed her mind),  I feel the consular told me to leave my marriage to easily and there was nothing I could do. (Told me this several times)

My new consular I like and I do feel stronger when I tald to them...

My experience :  I feel like all I do is paint my wife black and list all the crazy stuff my wife does when I talk to them.  I also get ask what I want to do...  He is helping me with change, (ie setting boundaries although we do not call it by that name),  I have ask more than once "What am I doing wrong?, I am human I must be making mistakes", I have never got a answer... 

Few of my concerns: we never talk about BPD,  he has never encourage my wife to attend, and I told him last session a friend and doctor told my wife she should think about consoling.  When I told him this he gave me a reference for someone other than him.

Ideas?  Thoughts?


 
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eeyore
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« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2012, 09:28:15 PM »

does your counselor have experience with BPD?  To me this makes a BIG difference. 
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Wanda
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living one day at a time, one moment at a time...


« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2012, 09:34:39 PM »

 I went to a Therapist many years ago but my husband did also but not for BPD, Most therapist  can't diagnoise BPD due to the person with BPD has to be diagnoised  first.
I was told he did have some type of personality disorder, and i needed to figure out which one my therapist and i went through lots of personality symptoms signs non fit till we go to BPD. i read The first book i hate you don't leaveme  fit my husband to a tee.
so from there i was told that i needed to learn tool and skills ways to deal with him, and i beleive they knew he had BPD i beleive he does but he isn't diagnoised due to he  beleive he doesn't have a problem. i asked his therapist if he could just tell him what he has and i was told good chance he won't be back he wanted to make sure i learned all i could first. and so i did. he was told and  never came back... 
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Letting go of what was or what you thought was, and accepting what is, is all part of the piece to the puzzle  we need to move forward.


united for now
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« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2012, 01:42:03 AM »

YOU are in counseling - not your wife.
YOU are the patient - not your wife.

Your counselor is working on YOU, not your wife. They are working to help YOU make better decisions and to help you understand the dynamics of your relationship. Their role isn't to give you any answers. It's up to you to decide how you want to live your life. You live according to your own values. Not someone else's.

And some counselors don't want to see both partners, to maintain an impartial attitude. Thus why he gave you a referral for her to see someone else.
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Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes


eeyore
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« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2012, 02:12:01 PM »

YOU are in counseling - not your wife.
YOU are the patient - not your wife.

Your counselor is working on YOU, not your wife. They are working to help YOU make better decisions and to help you understand the dynamics of your relationship. Their role isn't to give you any answers. It's up to you to decide how you want to live your life. You live according to your own values. Not someone else's.

And some counselors don't want to see both partners, to maintain an impartial attitude. Thus why he gave you a referral for her to see someone else.

I agree with you UFN.  I also think it's helpful to the non to see a counselor who is familiar with BPD because otherwise I think some aren't able to help the non sufficiently.
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