Daughter 21 has BPD, tearing family apart and stress is going to kill me

[Think About It....]

Hi.  My DD21 (did I do that right? LOL) has had BPD along with major depressive episodes the past two years.  We really are at our wits end.  She dropped out of college last semester, tried to go back this semester and dropped after 2 weeks. She's quit 2 jobs.  She has no money, but we are tied into paying her lease as co-signers for a couple more months.  After that, I don't know, and herein lies the problem.

DD21 wants to move back home (she is about an hour away).  My husband feels this is just what she has wanted all along and has been sabotaging herself in an effort to do so.  He says she likes the comforts of home, where I am "mother hen" (I agree, I am) and will be her personal chef, laundress, chauffer, maid, etc. while she watches t.v. and can't work because she is "sick."  (But the minute a friend calls and wants to go do something "fun" suddenly her depression is gone and she can move pretty quickly).

4 professionals all tell us (she sees 2 up where she is and 2 down in our area) and not one has said bringing her to live back home would be healthy.  They say she will "regress" and it will be back at square one and good luck getting her to leave again.  We live in a small, rural town and there are no close colleges or even places to work for her, unless she does like we do and drive 35+ miles daily (and in winter that is not fun).  My husband and DD21 are like fire and water in the same room, and I am constantly on high alert whenever they are together, always being the middleman.

We have been through so much with her; she constantly hospitalizes herself only to get released because they tell us she doesn't need to be there (she even admitted she should be an "actress" because she knows what to say to get in and get out when she wants).  Last few months she has resorted to "cutting" to get herself admitted.  We drive 125 miles each way to her therapy appts twice a week.  All 4 of the psychiatrists that she sees say the same thing: she is non-compliant and not even trying a LITTLE bit to help herself.  Doesn't use any coping skills (she calls them "dumb").  She has told us (and them) that the "people around her" should be watching for signs of trouble and intervening before she gets into "crisis." ?

I have been on medical leave since October because my blood pressure is dangerously high even with 4 medications.  I am at my wits end.  I am learning all I can and trying to get better (I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, I've attended a 12-step program, I am seeing my own therapist for my codependency issues, etc.).  I just can't seem to stop living, breathing, talking about, worrying about, DD21's problems 24/7.  I'm rushing off to appts. and hospitals and I jump every time the phone rings.  My husband constantly worries for my health, tells me I am a stroke waiting to happen.

DD21 has now resorted to having her friends send us "letters" telling us to please bring her back home and if we don't, her "blood will be on our hands."   I even got a phone call from her friends MOTHER last night telling me how wrong I am doing things!  I was caught off guard and basically just listened, but the more I thought about it, I started fuming and was up most of the night upset about it. How DARE she, she has NO CLUE the thousands of dollars spent, the hours spent in therapy with her, the days sitting at various hospitals, etc. trying to help our daughter.  I AM trying to do what's right, but I don't know what RIGHT is...I can only listen to the professionals, and even then, I question everything.  I just don't know what do to.  I want my daughter back, the one I sent off to college 3 years ago, the one who was in clubs and had friends and was happy.  My heart is broken.   

[Ohiomom89]

Hi.  My DD21 (did I do that right? LOL) has had BPD along with major depressive episodes the past two years.  We really are at our wits end.  She dropped out of college last semester, tried to go back this semester and dropped after 2 weeks. She's quit 2 jobs.  She has no money, but we are tied into paying her lease as co-signers for a couple more months.  After that, I don't know, and herein lies the problem.

DD21 wants to move back home (she is about an hour away).  My husband feels this is just what she has wanted all along and has been sabotaging herself in an effort to do so.  He says she likes the comforts of home, where I am "mother hen" (I agree, I am) and will be her personal chef, laundress, chauffer, maid, etc. while she watches t.v. and can't work because she is "sick."  (But the minute a friend calls and wants to go do something "fun" suddenly her depression is gone and she can move pretty quickly).

4 professionals all tell us (she sees 2 up where she is and 2 down in our area) and not one has said bringing her to live back home would be healthy.  They say she will "regress" and it will be back at square one and good luck getting her to leave again.  We live in a small, rural town and there are no close colleges or even places to work for her, unless she does like we do and drive 35+ miles daily (and in winter that is not fun).  My husband and DD21 are like fire and water in the same room, and I am constantly on high alert whenever they are together, always being the middleman.

We have been through so much with her; she constantly hospitalizes herself only to get released because they tell us she doesn't need to be there (she even admitted she should be an "actress" because she knows what to say to get in and get out when she wants).  Last few months she has resorted to "cutting" to get herself admitted.  We drive 125 miles each way to her therapy appts twice a week.  All 4 of the psychiatrists that she sees say the same thing: she is non-compliant and not even trying a LITTLE bit to help herself.  Doesn't use any coping skills (she calls them "dumb").  She has told us (and them) that the "people around her" should be watching for signs of trouble and intervening before she gets into "crisis." ?

I have been on medical leave since October because my blood pressure is dangerously high even with 4 medications.  I am at my wits end.  I am learning all I can and trying to get better (I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, I've attended a 12-step program, I am seeing my own therapist for my codependency issues, etc.).  I just can't seem to stop living, breathing, talking about, worrying about, DD21's problems 24/7.  I'm rushing off to appts. and hospitals and I jump every time the phone rings.  My husband constantly worries for my health, tells me I am a stroke waiting to happen.

DD21 has now resorted to having her friends send us "letters" telling us to please bring her back home and if we don't, her "blood will be on our hands."   I even got a phone call from her friends MOTHER last night telling me how wrong I am doing things!  I was caught off guard and basically just listened, but the more I thought about it, I started fuming and was up most of the night upset about it. How DARE she, she has NO CLUE the thousands of dollars spent, the hours spent in therapy with her, the days sitting at various hospitals, etc. trying to help our daughter.  I AM trying to do what's right, but I don't know what RIGHT is...I can only listen to the professionals, and even then, I question everything.  I just don't know what do to.  I want my daughter back, the one I sent off to college 3 years ago, the one who was in clubs and had friends and was happy.  My heart is broken.   

[heronbird]

Oh gosh, this is a dilema for you isnt it. What does she say if you say no she cant come home?

See, we have  a similar thing with our son who is 21, hes not BPD. He left home at 16 to join royal marines so we kind of got a lucky escape even though we missed him, he was hard work and seemed to be getting harder you see. Eventually he left and came back to our area but lived in a flat nearby, it only lasted a year and he wanted to move back home because he was lonely mainly. Which is surprising as he is so quiet at home.
Anyway we obviously let him back home, we gave him all the rules he would have to do. Does he do it NO

We cant get him to leave now, he says hes only 21 and we shouldnt keep saying he has to leave, so once you have your dd back you wont get her to go again.

Anyway, what are they thinking, they cant move out and come back, it often wont work if they do that. What happens when she gets married and they have a row, is she coming home then. Oh Id hate that

When I left home to get married my mum made it very clear to me, dont think you can come back home if you have an argument, seems a bit harsh, but good boundary.

Let us know how you get on

[Ohiomom89]

Thank you for the reply.  She gets very upset when she is told she can't come back home.  However, my husband and I are trying to make it as easy for her as possible; we've offered to get her into a place "close" to home but that's not good enough.  NOTHING is good enough.  The more I am learning about BPD, the more I realize it will NEVER be good enough.  Nothing we do is right. 

We were just with her yesterday, went to therapy, took her to a fantastic lunch to talk, went to her apartment, dad filled up her gas tank.  She was fine with us yesterday, and now today, I've got 6 nasty text messages about how I am against her, how I think she is manipulative, etc.  I am not going to engage in a marathon session of "text fighting."

She makes it so hard--is it any wonder we can't have here here at home?  Geez.  ?

[bjewels11]

There is no way in hell that my daughter is going to move back in with us.She will be 21 in a couple of months.  I would also be dead after a short time.   I love her but we just clash after more than a day.   I learned that she is pregnant again.   She did give the first baby up after getting pregnant and no job out of girls school.  Kind of forced to because she was not given a choice by family members staying with.    She can not keep a job.  Did go to job core I think she finished but has had trouble keeping jobs since Graduation in september.  Her boyfriend and her moved in with his mom.   I have been told his mom hates her.     My sisters were paying for her depo but I guess someone forgot to go.        I would say no do not do it.    I know it will be hard but do not feed into her illness   

[tiredmommy2]

What a tough situation to be in. 

He says she likes the comforts of home, where I am "mother hen" (I agree, I am) and will be her personal chef, laundress, chauffer, maid, etc. while she watches t.v. and can't work because she is "sick."  (But the minute a friend calls and wants to go do something "fun" suddenly her depression is gone and she can move pretty quickly).

I know for a fact that this is my daughter's preference.  She has very little motivation to do anything, and loves to be taken care of. She's currently in a psych facility and continually sabotages her discharge because she likes it there (no responsibilities, no laundry, meals just show up, dishes cleared), and when she was at home, it was the same.  She was pretty much fine if I didn't ask her to do anything, and just took care of her much like I would a toddler. If one of her friends would come over or call, all of a sudden she had energy to get dressed and hang out with them though.  I had many discussions with her about not everything in life being 'fun', but certain things were necessary anyway - it didn't do any good.

DD21 has now resorted to having her friends send us "letters" telling us to please bring her back home and if we don't, her "blood will be on our hands."   I even got a phone call from her friends MOTHER last night telling me how wrong I am doing things!  I was caught off guard and basically just listened, but the more I thought about it, I started fuming and was up most of the night upset about it. How DARE she, she has NO CLUE the thousands of dollars spent, the hours spent in therapy with her, the days sitting at various hospitals, etc. trying to help our daughter.

How horrible this must have been for you.  I'm pretty sure that I'd be furious for all of the reasons that you listed if someone called to tell me how wrong I was. She, like many other people who haven't dealt with all of this, has absolutely no clue what this is like!  Shame on her for judging you!

I have been on medical leave since October because my blood pressure is dangerously high even with 4 medications.  I am at my wits end.  I am learning all I can and trying to get better (I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, I've attended a 12-step program, I am seeing my own therapist for my codependency issues, etc.).  I just can't seem to stop living, breathing, talking about, worrying about, DD21's problems 24/7.  I'm rushing off to appts. and hospitals and I jump every time the phone rings.  My husband constantly worries for my health, tells me I am a stroke waiting to happen.

This is very concerning.  This situation is hard enough to deal with without dangerously high blood pressure on top of everything else - as you know, stress is something that should be avoided. As hard as this is, you have to take care of you...As someone pointed out to me when I first got here - When you're on a plane, the instructions that you are given in case of emergency are to put on your own oxygen mask first, and only then should you assist others.  Without your own oxygen mask in place, you won't be in a position to help anyone.   

cross-posted

[heronbird]

This whole situation is so hard and heartbreaking. I havent had same issues yet but I know with my dd once she gets a bee in her bonnet she is fixated on that one thing. I find if you just wait a few days or so, things might change again, my dd is so unpredictable.

Last week she needed help urgently, went into hospital, couldnt wait till Monday morning when the process would of been easier, then on Thursday she was begging for discharge, the longer the hospital put it off the more she changed her mind, she was in such a bad state crying and so out of control, I was so upset for her, then an hour later she phoned I was thinking oh here we go again, but she was fine.

Try to buy time with dd, well Ive never read that, but its worked lots for me, dont react.
Dont tell her she cant come home, validate her, give it back to her ask her what shes going to do about it, isnt that what we should do?

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[Ohiomom89]

You are all so wise.    Thank you.

It is SO extremely difficult;  to worsen matters, I already lost my other daughter due to an accident ten years ago when she was 5.  So my daughter now, when she takes an OD of pills, cuts herself, etc. it just brings all the pain up again and I can't even imagine the shape I would be in if my DD21 succeeded in suicide.  I have a son, too, who just went off to college in September, is doing fabulous, has made the Dean's List and is just a delight.  But DD21 is taking up all my time and attention, I am missing out on my son's life.  I have not been to visit him, I don't get a chance to call much...DD21 and her problems are a 24/7 "job."  I don't want him to end up resentful and it's one of the things I'm working on in my own therapy--not to let DD21 dictate my whole life, to do some pleasurable things for myself, too.  But I feel guilty "having fun" when she is so miserable.

She has actually told me its our "job" to take care of her--emotionally, financially, etc. as she "never asked to be born." ?  She tells lies to people about being sexually molested (not by us, by her daycare provider when she was 7 which I know isn't true), she's said she was almost kidnapped as a child (? not true), that she was bullied in school her whole life (not true, she liked school, was in clubs, never did not show any signs of not wanting to go to school, etc.). 

We have paid her rent for the past year (we co-signed, bad idea we now know), pay her car insurance (on the car we bought her when she was 16 to get to work), just had a new transmission installed at $2,000.  New winter tires.  $1,000.  We pay her cell bill.  (Yes, we are just learning about the word "enabling" ).  But when she says we don't "do enough" it really, really hurts.  We are behind on OUR bills to pay for HERS.

At 21, even with BPD, she can and should be able to figure things out for herself, shouldn't she?   ?

[tiredmommy2]

At 21, even with BPD, she can and should be able to figure things out for herself, shouldn't she?

Yes, she should. I've read posts from other members who say that when they implemented some boundaries, their BPD children started to figure things out on their own. While we're doing a lot for them, it's easy for them to sit back and enjoy the extras; they have no incentive to work for what they want.

My BPDd still will occasionally say that I don't do enough for her, but it's absolutely not true.  I have done everything for her and then some, including lots of extras that I didn't have to provide.  She's after me now to buy her a car, but I'm not going to.  I told her that when she gets discharged from the hospital, she can come home and get a job, and whatever she manages to save for a car, I will match.  After that, she's on her own with car insurance, gas, and whatever else the car needs.  She knows that I can afford to outright buy her a car, and doesn't care for my offer, but too bad...I'm not always going to be here, and when I'm not, who is going to take care of her?  She has to find a way to be somewhat independent, plus if she has to work hard for this, she'll probably take better care of it. *She has a history of being very irresponsible, often destroying or losing nice things I've given to her*

I'm sorry that you're also dealing with this situation, which has to be made so much worse by the loss of your other daughter. 

[Battle Weary]

Ohiomom,  What a difficult situation! I am not at your point yet, but could certainly see how I could be down the road.  It is so heart wrenching that you are doing so much only to have people you barely know reprimand you.  In your place, I would probably respond, "Thank you so much for your concern.  As you know, we have found the best mental health experts we can for our dd and are following their advice." 

[Reality]

Dear Ohiomom,
Like the rest of us here, your situation isn't an easy one and wow! BPD sure does have a devastating effect on the family.
Your health comes first, imho.  It is imperative that you do everything to promote your own well-being.  Whatever you need to do for yourself is the top priority.  Maybe if you had a daily check list, it would help to remind you of what those self-care strategies are.  Build pleasure into your life.  Go and visit that wonderful son of yours with your dh and have a memorable day of it!  How lucky you are to have him.  Congratulations to you, your dh and to him for his impressive academic achievement.  Enjoy!  
I, too, have been lectured by people telling me what to do.  Now, I simply say,  " Oh, please excuse, I cannot continue this conversation right now." You don't need to listen to people, who don't know the details of your situation.  It makes me sick to my stomach just listening to the non-sense.
That being said, your daughter is in trouble, clearly and she does need help.  I don't agree that you can't have her come home and then have her leave if she disregards the house rules.  Simple.  Lay out the ground rules and if she can't be respectful, thoughtful and helpful, then she can't stay.  At the same time, she needs DBT skills training and a DBT therapist and there can be zero negotiation on that.  
People with BPD are extremely difficult, yes, but they do need help.  BPD is a serious medical illness.  Your daughter is not able to
regulate her emotions and she cuts not to be manipulative but to quiet her distress.  She needs a calm environment.  If your dh can't deal with that, he needs to do some reading and get some help regulating his own emotions.  You should not be the middleman.  Too many of us have had to play that role with our dhs.  
Why are there so many psychiatrists involved?  Are you and your dh convinced that they understand BPD?  The reality is that many medical people do not.  At least where I live.  
PwBPD need attachment and they also need definite structure and routine.  Without people around them, they become very dysregulated emotionally.  I might be totally off the mark here and if I am, please excuse my outspoken way, but I think it is important to be very careful about putting someone with BPD in an isolating situation.  Maybe as a wake-up call for a day or a week or whatever it takes, to show you mean what you say, but not long term.  A 'guardian angel' kind of connection is key.  
In a way, it was my own weak parenting that created some of the behaviour issues in terms of rudeness etc with my own BPDs23 and my dh's inability to understand the disorder and thereby escalating the situation through his own emotional reaction.  He was not 'Wise Mind' by any stretch of the imagination!  I think these pwBPD need to face limits and consequences, but they need to know there is a safe haven once they have realized they have a part to play in their recovery.
Our children with BPD are ill; that is our reality.  If you look at the You Tube Back from the Edge, you can see the brain scans showing how their amydalas are over-active, responding in a heightened way to any sign of trouble, worry and danger.  Whereas a non would not have a reaction at all, our pwBPD will have a rapid and significantly heightened emotional reaction to stimuli and it lasts for a long time.  Plus, the prefrontal cortex is under-developed, meaning that their brains have less executive control managing brain functioning, less ability to moderate that overactive amygdala.  The skills training in DBT creates new neural pathways in the brain  by repetitively mastering  strategies to deal with distress and emotional dysregulation.  Our kids didn't decide to create this nasty gig; it is clearly biological, imho, mainly so.  
Once they learn to regulate their emotions, these recovered pwBPD can live good lives.  They just need the skill-set to teach them to manage their particular brain functioning.
I hope I don't sound like I have this figured out.  I suffer immensely with the heart-breaking decisions and processes involved in dealing with my BPDs23.  These are just some ideas, to offer my perspective.  I have to check list my eating and exercise every day or I forget even that simple self-care.  
My Reality          

[Ohiomom89]

 Hi!

Thanks again for the great replies.  I am soaking in everything I can right now and taking it all under consideration.  I think more than half the problem is my daughter thinks she has zero responsibility in her recovery.  Everything I hear from her, it's "my roommate didn't notice I was down" or "the people around me need to be intervening on my behalf before I get into crisis."  During therapy sessions, she rolls her eyes  , buries her face in a pillow, turns towards the wall, etc.  When asked a question, she answers "whatever."  She is bad with her medications, not taking them "if I don't feel like it."  I *know* my daughter, and I think she would personally like me to be her 24/7 bodyguard, following her around, begging her to take her meds, etc.  She looks to me for EVERYTHING and that is what the doctors say isn't helpful at all.  She has to learn to cope with her own emotions.  I won't always be here to soothe her.  At the first sign of being anxious, she calls or texts me.  Yesterday we had a 10-hour marathon text-fight-text which in the end did neither of us any good; once again, I got sucked into it by her remarks, and I know I should have ended it when it began to get abusive, but I didn't.

Which is why my husband is reluctant to let her come home.  He knows my health issues and he knows how she pushes my buttons to get the answer/reaction she wants.  And it works.  I'm working on myself on changing that, it will take time.  DD21 is borderline abusive to her brother, too, when he is around; she wants ALL my attention, 100% of the time.  If DS comes near me to try to talk to me, she shoots him a dirty look.  He has said when my husband and I aren't home, she is nasty to him.  I cannot tolerate that, and I can't be home 24/7 to play babysitter to a 19 and 21 year old.  We know she is very jealous of him, he is very popular and well-liked in our small community and is excelling at college--things she has not done.  But that is not his fault, he has worked very hard for everything he has, and in reality, we have given her tenfold what we've given him.  He is sweet and laid-back to a fault, he won't say anything to her to possibly "upset" her and get her on a rampage, so he is silent.  He sends her money, cards, etc. He always tries to help her.  In turn, she didn't show up for his HS graduation, didn't call or text or anything when he had a major operation several months ago.  Nothing.  Everything has to be about HER. 

The reason we have 4 people involved is that she lives in an area our insurance doesn't cover, so she has county-assisted assistance where she lives, then when she is here, this is where her main doctors are.  Waivers have been signed so all can speak to each other regularly and all are on the "same page" so to speak.  However, when she "hospital hops" there is no control over what the doctors do there and that doesn't help.  She wants to hear only what she wants to hear.  Do only what she wants to do.  Coping skills? Nah--they're "dumb."  Doctors?  "They know sht."  Her parents?  "I didn't ask to be born, it's your job to take care of me."  This is the attitude that the doctors are concerned about with her coming home--that she will once again become so dependent on me and getting her needs met without having to do any work on her own. I have not heard her say once yet that she has any responsibility in her own welfare.  It's always someone else that needs to do the work, to do more, etc.

I am going to check into DBT further.  However, I am very concerned about her attitude that she doesn't have the problem, everyone else does.  To me, any kind of therapy is going to be a moot point if this continues to be her attitude. 

[cbcrna1]

My dBPDd 33, has 2 degrees, is married and now lives abroad.  She functions in life, it is so difficult for her, for me, for all of us.  But she does function.  She would be doing none of the above if it were totally up to her and if I would have done it for her.  I learned and am still learning about codependency long ago (30 years).  When pushed (wrong word) maybe setting boundaries about where I would not go in my mind and in her life (with an eye on where our future, hers and mine and my husband's wouldbe); she was able to rise up and "do" it.  I.e. go to school, support herself etc.  I asked her to leave our house when she was in her 20s. I helped her in specific ways, but in other specific ways I let go.  It took alot of strength on my part because I was really surprised that she actually could "do it".   Not just strength, but letting go, respecting who she was as an adult person.  I really deeply know I can't control another person that their life is not up to me.  I am always there but I have definite boundaries.  
On another note, she manipulates people and situations because of her mind of desperation.  Don't listen to what other people say they have no idea.
I keep thinking of this post, I read it awhile ago.
This was posted here a long time ago, but, someone brought it up today so I thought I'd repost it.

THE BRIDGE - A METAPHOR

"The Bridge"

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted
from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had
experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his
share of both success and failure. At last, he began to see
clearly where he wanted to go.

Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he
came close, only to be pushed away. Often he applied all his
strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly
blocked. And then at last it came. But the opportunity would not
wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it
were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not
come again.

Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he
wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his
heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found
renewed vigor. Strength that had left him since his early youth
returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from
their long-dormant positions.

Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the
middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order
to protect it from the floods of spring.

He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the
opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though
the other was coming to greet him. He could see clearly,
however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed
similarly except for something tied around his waist.

When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what
the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around
him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length
of 30 feet.

The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were
coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so
kind as to hold the end a moment?"

Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he
agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "two hands now, and
remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.

Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the ropes
length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull.
Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the
side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and
after having caught his breath, looked down at the other
dangling, close to oblivion.

"What are you trying to do?" he yelled.

"Just hold tight," said the other.

"This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul
the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as
though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope
had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they
created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the
other back to safety.

"Why did you do this?" the man called out.

"Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I will be lost."

"But I cannot pull you up," the man cried.

"I am your responsibility," said the other.

"Well, I did not ask for it," the man said.

"If you let go, I am lost," repeated the other.

He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How
long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him
now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined
the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some
protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the
railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces
between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound
burden, even temporarily.

"What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below.

"Just your help," the other answered.

"How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to
tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you."

"I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope
around your waist; it will be easier."

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied
the rope around his waist.

"Why did you do this?" he asked again. "Don't you see what you
have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?"

"Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."

What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I
let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward
my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt
me forever."

With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump
off the bridge while still holding on. "That would teach this
fool." But he wanted to live and to live life fully. "What a
choice I have to make; how shall I ever decide?"

As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of
decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own
goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was
already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible
choice to have to make.

A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this
other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten
the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and
again, together they could do it. Actually, the other could do
it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it
still and steady.

"Now listen," he shouted down. "I think I know how to save you."
And he explained his plan.

But the other wasn't interested.

"You mean you won't help? But I told you I cannot pull you up by
myself, and I don't think I can hang on much longer either."

"You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I
die."

The point of decision arrived. What should he do? "My life or
this other's?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in
fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional
way of thinking.

"I want you to listen to me carefully," he said, "because I mean
what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice
for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your
own life I hereby give back to you."

"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid.

"I mean, simply, it's up to you. You decide which way this ends.
I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring
yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began
unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew
against the side.

"You cannot mean what you say," the other shrieked. "You would
not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so
important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me."

He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope.

"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.


--From "FRIEDMAN'S FABLES" by Edwin Friedman,
published by Guilford Press

[Reality]

I hear you Ohiomom.  Sounds like your dd needs a serious wake-up call.  No, I couldn't tolerate the abusive behaviour either and I sure wouldn't want my other children to have to tolerate it.  I agree that you shouldn't be waiting on your dd.  A 10 hour text-message marathon would throw me into the looney bin.  I am not kidding.  My own reality is that I didn't understand how ill my son really was/is and I also tended to get too panic-struck and over-react in ways that weren't the best, because I didn't understand what was wrong with my BPDs23.  I would get so fed up, that I over-withdrew and then would feel so guilty that I would over-compensate like a lunatic.  I can't believe how crazy my own behaviour got, dealing with my BPDs23.  
Just throwing out ideas and hoping you can be healthy your self.
Please know that as I was writing ideas, I wasn't assuming that I understood your situation at all or that I know your dd or dh, I was just tossing out thoughts, to see if anything I said might somehow help you.
It is interesting that so many of your daughter's statements have been used with almost exactly the same words by my BPDs23.    
I hope you have a good, restful day today.
Reality

[Ohiomom89]

Hi--I sure appreciate ALL the replies and thoughts; I don't feel so "alone" now as of course, all the parents I know who have kids the same age are all thriving in college, work, their own lives.  I am left to feel "what did I do wrong?"  I do not know anyone else who is or has ever dealt with mental illness.

DD21 now, after the ten hour fight/text marathon yesterday, is again on the keyboard, this time telling me she is having a "seizure and blacking out."  Mind you, this is NOT the first, second or third time otherwise I would be concerned. (She would feign "fainting spells" at work to get sent home).  Again, I think its a way to get home and attention. (She's been thoroughly checked out, she is fine).  Still, like you Reality, I get worked up about things pretty quickly.  It's a horrible balance of figuring out if she wants attention or if something is truly wrong, but so far, 100% of the time, it's NOT the latter. As we speak, she is on the phone with the hospital triage nurse getting advice.  She calls them like 50 times a month, no kidding.  She is racking up hospital bills galore in addition to her student loans (when she's not even attending school) and hospital hops.  She is in more debt at age 21 than my husband and I.  She just says "oh well, isn't everybody in debt?"  Absolutely no concern, while hubby and I are worried sick about her future.

She just simply has too much idle time on her hands.  No school.  No work.  My mind would run wild, too, if I had nothing to think about but my own problems.  Her psychiatrists all say she needs to learn to deal with being alone sometimes.  She will have a panic attack when her roommate goes to the store.  This is why I am just not up to being a full-time entertainer which is what she would expect if she came home.

We will see how this seizure thing pans out now.  I'm sure in just the five minutes I've been online here, I already have ten texts on my phone.  Before I even woke up this morning, she called my phone 14 times!  I AM going to end up in the looney bin! 

[tiredmommy2]

I AM going to end up in the looney bin!

There was a time where I would have told you that I would probably end up being your roommate in there!  I'm so grateful for this place - learning about boundaries, communication tools, and not feeling so alone has made a big difference in my life.

  Her psychiatrists all say she needs to learn to deal with being alone sometimes.  She will have a panic attack when her roommate goes to the store.  This is why I am just not up to being a full-time entertainer which is what she would expect if she came home.

This is something that I dealt with when BPDd was at home, and something I'm going to have to learn how to live with when she gets home.  She can't be alone, not even with me in the same house with her.  She has to be in the same room as I am, and follows me around the house when I change locations.  She'll literally just sit across from me, just staring at my face...While she was in residential, I decided to bring this up during a family T session, not being mean, just so I can understand what's going on here.  The T started talking to her about this, hoping to feel her out, and looking for alternatives for her besides following me around the house, and BPDd had a total meltdown. She was furious, and called me later on trying to chastise me for bringing it up to the T. *sigh* Something has to give because the thought of being a full-time entertainer doesn't appeal to me either - I don't think I have it in me to do this again.

She will have a panic attack when her roommate goes to the store.

Does someone just have to be home with her, or does she need to be in the same room with other people?

[heronbird]

tiredmommy Hi!
I had that recently, we were in meeting with consultant at hospital, I brought up a sensetive issue dd started crying and told me off for bringing it up, I was worried the consultant would be cross with me, but he was brilliant and told dd she has to try to talk and understand why I am talking about it.

I dont understand why pwBPD iether cant be alone or have strange fears like my dd wont go out in the snow, says all she can do is stay in her room(unheard of these days) she stayed in her room all day at Christmas when we had all the family which she loves here.

anyway, sorry for changing subject